Younger male lost...

[Abenaki Blood]

I'm 29 years old with a young wife who is 23. We have been married almost five years and have been together for 6. Everyone has told us that we are the role model of a marriage that they would love to have. I thought this as well.

 

However, my wife told me the other day that she doesn't love me anymore. She said it happened about 6 months ago and thought that it was a phase that would pass. Well now she said it hasn't passed. I do not believe her, but it hurts knowing that she believes that she doesn't love me.

 

I have lost the balance of being a father and a husband. I spent all of my time with my kids and never go out with my wife. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying out of trouble (Before the kids I was "bad ass" if you will) but I became a boring person. I never took my wife anywhere. I did tell her everyday that I was in love with her and how beautiful she was but I didn't show it I suppose.

 

After she told me I hated her for a day. I told her I would divorce her. What I didn't realize is .. is that I love her more than I could imagine and I can't even picture a day in my life without her and the kids. They really are the glue that holds my life together. The love I have for them I can't even put into words.

 

Can she really fall out of love with me this fast after being so madly in love with me? I know she hates where we live and feels like a prisoner in this small town and maybe blames me for it since I told her I would never move away from my parents.

 

I've done a lot of small things over the last year that I realized I need to change. I will make the changes not only for her, but for myself. I need to change for me too. I can admit that I haven't been there for her.

 

Since then, she asked me to stay in the house. She ask me to sleep in her bed. We have had the best sex of our marriage the past few days. But she is confused and I am not asking for answers. I am just living one day at a time.

 

Any thoughts/comments? Think there is hope? I have read in the forums here that once a woman makes up her mind and a man admits his mistakes, it may be over for good?

[dgiirl]

Since she seems to be confused and is asking you to remain in the house and is still sleeping with you, it doesnt sound like she's made up her mind just yet. I would recommend counselling fast for both of you, and if she refuses to go, then you get some individual counselling. Even alone and with a good therapist you might be able to change things around. I also recommend you to read divorce busting and visit marriagebuilders.com It sounds like you still have some time to fix it, or atleast fix it enough to part amicably.

[Abenaki Blood]

She wants us to work, but she is scared that she may let me down and never love me so told me today. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it if I am unsure where it truely is broken.

 

Her comment tore me up, "Even if you were perfect maybe I would still have these feelings." I'd rather have her cheat or anything besides simply falling out of love with me. It's heart wrenching.

[Gunny376]

Women are typically more in-tuned with their feelings than men are, thus they typically are more prone to make decisions from their emotional state of mind as often as they are from their rational state of mind (par the course for men) thus as a result it seems illrational to men ~ because men are far less in-tuned to their emotional state of mind than women are.

 

With that said, regardless of wheater a woman makes a decision from either from her rational state of mind or her emotional mind, its is ineveteable that she must everntually reconcile the differences between the two. That is to say if she say makes a decision rationally (and women are very capable of being non-emotional and rational) she must reconcile it with her emotional state of mind, and vice versa. Men generally aren't in-tuned with their emotional state of mind, and generally only use their rational state of mind.

 

Its not that men are incapable of being in touch with their emotional state of mind nor that they don't have one. They do. But, its been so culturally and socialy conditioned out of them for tens of thousands of years, that it seems normal for men to be as they appear today. The reason for this was simple combat. Tens of thousands of years ago, armies were not comprised of individuals that from different parts of the country that didn't know each other until they joined the "army" but brothers, cousins, fathers, uncles, grandfathers that not only knew each other, but were of lifelong kin. Military discipline dictates that you can't afford for any one given indiividaul, let alone any one given closely kinned group of individuals to "lose it" during the heat of battle. The answer was to socially and culturally factor out the emotional side, and factor in the warrior code.

 

That's part of it.

 

Another part of it, is that being "in love" is primarly a tempoarly bio-chemical reaction in the brain which typically last from three months to six years. Interestingly enough this is the minimum amount of time necessary to conceive a child, and the mariginal amount of time for the same child to become marginally self sufficent, (They can feed themselves, talk, walk, dress themselves, are potty trained etc).

 

Also interestingly enough, is that CAT scans of people who are "in-love" is almost identical to those that suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0602/feature2/

 

and

 

Brain Sex: The Real Difference between Men and Women Anne Moir

 

 

Many women, again using their emotioal mind, fall out of love, because the bio-chemicals of the intial attraction have worn off, and when they wear off there had best be somthing there that replaces that.

 

Bottom line here, my friend, don't move out of the house, get control of your emotions, esepcially your fear. If you and her are still living together, still sleeping in the same bed, still having sex you're ahead of the game.

 

With that said, its time for you and the wife to go back to school, start reading some books, start checking out marriagebuilders, and divorcenet. com, get some individual couseling, and some marriage couseling.

 

As to your wife's fears that if she goes through all of this ~ that's a definate possibility. But what is all the more a possibilyt is that she'll go serial mongonmy (multiple marriages) and still never find "true happiness.