New Relationship

[Jenny]

I am in a relationship that seems to be going well. We are totally compatible. Like the same things, have common interets and goals, he is nice, dependable, has a steady job, faithful etc. We are talking of getting married. The weird thing is that although I am content I still expect the relationship to turn bad. I was in two prior relationships that were very unhealthy (both cheating and one abusive). I am a bit afraid to totally trust this guy. How can I get over looking for flaws and discontent and open myself up to new possiblities. Part of the problem is my ex keeps calling me and telling me he changed etc. and he wants me back. I think about my ex once in a while and wonder what I did wrong that he cheated on me. Any advice would be helpful. I love my SO and he treats me like a queen. I am quite lucky.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "I am in a relationship that seems to be going well."

 

When it stops "seeming" to go well and actually is, you can start thinking more about a future with this guy.

 

2. "We are totally compatible. Like the same things, have common interets and goals, he is nice, dependable, has a steady job, faithful etc. We are talking of getting married."

 

Have you ever been in love? Do you know what it feels like? You didn't use the word "love" one time in your post. (I finally found it among your last sentences.) Now, if you don't feel you are capable of experiencing love, then this guy may be OK. But if you have experienced love and you know how good it feels to be in love with somebody, go find somebody you are IN LOVE WITH!!!

 

3. "The weird thing is that although I am content I still expect the relationship to turn bad."

 

What a deal! Now that's really something to look forward to. If you can't get this thought out of your mind, move on.

 

4. "I am a bit afraid to totally trust this guy."

 

Why? Are you judging him by past relationships? Every man on the planet is not a cheater. I can understand why you would be a little gunshy...you've been through a lot of stuff in the past with other men.

 

5. "How can I get over looking for flaws and discontent and open myself up to new possiblities."

 

Heal from your previous relationship, then let it go. Once you do that, then go find the RIGHT guy for yourself.

 

6. "Part of the problem is my ex keeps calling me and telling me he changed etc and he wants me back."

 

Yeah, right. And my butt's a banjo. It takes millions of years of evolution for men to change...permanently. If there's anything you shouldn't trust, it's a desperate man who says he's "changed." DUH!!! He didn't want you when he had you...but now that somebody else has you, he wants you. What a dirtbag!

 

7. "I think about my ex once in a while and wonder what I did wrong that he cheated on me."

 

You didn't do anything wrong at all. He's a two-timing, horny toad who doesn't care who he hurts in order to get some strange. Plain and simple. You were probably very nice to him. This always happens to the really nice ladies.

 

What you did wrong was date him in the first place. If you take him back, you'll only teach him that it's OK for him to cheat and you can get sucked back in. He's probably very sorry for having been caught, though.

 

It was HIM who cheated, not you. Don't take blame for this. He was just looking for a way to satisfy his animal instinct to spread his genetic material. It's a primitive animal thing, not anything to do with you at all. You need a man who has some civilized control over these urges, along with morals, ethics, principles, etc.

 

It really pisses me off that you would even start to blame yourself for his crap.

 

8. "Any advice would be helpful. I love my SO and he treats me like a queen."

 

Oh, so you finally mentioned the love word. I'm happy to hear that.

 

So do you love him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him or would you prefer to go back to a guy who you can't trust who will cheat on you?

 

I don't know. I can't tell if you're really happy with your current guy or not...enough to marry him??? I can't tell if you really love him enough. I don't think so. If you really loved him with all your heart, you wouldn't have reservations. You wouldn't be thinking about your two-timing ex.

 

My advice is to forget about both of these dudes. Spend some time alone being kind to yourself, healing, getting over your ex. No more communicating with him. I mean he hurt the hell out of you and you may be thinking of having him come back to do more damage...come on now, I know you're not crazy!!!

 

Once you've had some time without any man around, and that's a very nice way to live sometimes, then you'll be able to think more clearly and find the right guy you can fall in love with, trust, and not have any doubts about. When you find him, you'll have no need to post for advice. It will work out really well for you.