Need GOOD advise

[miamipeds]

Hello everyone, this is my first time on this forum. I am not sure if I picked the correct forum but this is my story. Before I post the question at the end, I need to give you a background history on this so please bare with me for a few minutes. Thank you.

 

My first love and I were very close (like most first loves) but people used to say that we really were close. To make a long story short, she wanted to have sex and I did not (not that I did not want to) but I thought it would be irresponsible of us to do so, finally, after much debating she got me to agree to say "yes," but with protection. My father, who was reading my letters all the time and I did not know about it, told her parents and they, of course, broke us up. Now, we had known each other since elementary school and she always liked me for some reason but it was not until the 8th grade that I fell for her. Not only did my father broke us up but he made sure it was truly blown out of proportion and got the school involved and it was a HUGE things. There is no time to get into why he did this neither is it the point of this thread.

 

So, as you can imagine, I was devastated and I suffered A LOT for many years. My friends told me I was no longer happy and I was not. I try to look for her, try to communicate with her but she moved out the city and eventually I gave up (although my dreams or nightmares continued). I tried to "live again," and talk to other girls in my second year of high school but I was too traumatized and still living with a mean (emotionally sick) and controlling father. Then, one day, I found out thru one of her cousins who happened to be in the same school as me that she had moved to another country and I immediately began looking for her but never found her in that country.

 

"Fast forwarding," I finally left my father and began to live again in my 1st year of college. I started making friends and female friends but I never stopped thinking of her. Then I met someone and dated for several years. Although I was now a happy and outgoing person, I was still insecure about other things. Then, 3 months before I was to get married (and 10 years later) my first love, all of a sudden and without any warning, came back into my life looking for me. As you can imagaine, this was a HUGE, HUGE, emotional blow to me, I mean, here she was, the person that I had loved SO MUCH and had suffered SO MUCH for was all of a sudden back in my life and I was VERY confused and majorly stressede-out!!!! Briefly, she told me over the phone (we spent an entire night talking) that had father was dying or had died ( I don't recall) and that she was now free to look for me and that she too, although she had other relationships, had never stopped thinking of me too. I made a huge mistake and met with her, she flew to my city, and did eveything in her power to get me back and to fly away to the country to where she was living. I suffered, I TRULY SUFFERED for many days but in the end, I could not go thru with it because I TRULY loved the person I had known for 4 years and I was going to married. So, as much as it hurt me (and it hurt me very much) I had to say "good bye" again to her for a second time.

 

Time passed again, I had children with my wife, genarally a happy life (althought it took me several years again to get over my trauma again) but we always seemed to have a power struggle and/or arguments all the time. "Fast forwarding again," we have many problems (and yes, I know all couples have problems) because of the stress of raising 3 small kids and working two full-time jobs and me going to school and hardly anytime for her and me. I fully understand that. I am also aware (now I am) of the traumas I may have taken into my marriage and the problems they have brought (and yes, I have seeked counseling on my own) but I am also very dissapointed about other issues in my marriage (my wife has a very bad temper) and I have been sad for many years and it was not until recently (the last year, approximately) that I finally had the courage to stand up for myself. So, where does this lead? Patience, I am almost there.

 

I am fully aware that I may have hurt my wife with issues about my past with this girl and of for that I am truly sorry and we will probably FINALLY confront this issue in therapy in the next few months.

 

But as life would have it, we (the entire family including in-laws and very close friends) go on vacations each year. Each year, I am the one who has to coordinate about 20-25 people on our travel plans and as you can imagine, that is no easy task. Finally, this year (2006) we decided to go on our first winter vacation and I said to everyone "no way, I am not doing the planning, reservations and bookings for everyone" so my brother-in-law agreed to do it. I gave him my credit card and I told him "I don't care where we go just YOU take care of it." So as life would have it (or is God trying to tell me something?) and out of all the hundreds of places we could have gone for a winte vacation in the US, my brother-in-law ended up booking NON-REFUNDABLE tickets and hotel reservations to the CITY WHERE MY FIRST LOVE LIVES, I mean, seriously, what are the chances??? This is the one city (in Canada) where I would have NEVER, under any circumstances, gone to and here I was on my way there. This is the city I dreamed about for years when we first where separated. So can you imagine how I felt on my way there? How I felt when I was there? I felt VERY unconfortable and a MILLION emotions and memories came back out of nowhwere. I wanted to tell my wife about it, I really did but I did not want her to suffer again, I wanted her to enjoy her vacation and she did but I did not.

 

It has been 6-7 months since I was in that city and now, for whatever reason, I cannot stop thiking about her. NOT thinking about the past that much but I REALLY, TRULY have a HUGE urge to communicate with her (not in person) and let her know how much she hurt me my coming back looking for me. That I had to deal with the pain and suffering all over again and now that I flew to Canada, to the city where she lives, all my emotions are VERY strong and I am hurting and I am just "dying" to get it off my chest. Please, do not get me wrong, I DO NOT want to meet her, I am NOT thiking about her in a romantic or foolish way, NOT AT all. I am just angry and full of hurt and I would like to tell her via an e-mail or letter how much she hurt me and that she should have never come back. I just want to put closure to this chapter of my life, I want to FINALLY end it and work on saving my marriage. I have talked to a priest and 2-3 VERY close friends and they ALL agree that I need to put closure to this and with the exception of the priest, they agreed that it would not be a bad idea to tell her my feelings and just get them off my chest once and for all, to let go of the pain completely.

 

Why do you guys think? Is counseling enough do you think or should I finally "release all my emotions" in a letter or e-mail and explain to her that I DO NOT wish to meet her or anything but that she needs to know how much she hurt me and that I must do this for myself, my family. What do you all think please.

 

Thank you for your patience.

[everlong]

wow. what an amazing story. i am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. have you thought about why it is you feel so hurt? i mean, you stated that this 'special' person is someone you fell in love with in grade eight and many years have since passed - i think you mentioned 10 to 20 years right? i am confused about a few things. we all have had 'first loves' in grade school but it was grade school. our level of matuartity during that time, and our cognitice development at that time, would in no way resemble how we think and at 10 or 20 years later. do u have 'puppy love' when you are 30 or 40? do you have the same understanding of morals and vaules and love [etc.] in grade 8 that you would after so many years - no. so, i guess what i am saying is how does a childhood event continue to 'impact' you to the extent that the distance and growth you have as a person becomes zero? i mean, it sounds almost like regression or arrested development. would you really consider throwing everything you have worked for, the person you have become, simply because someone from your teenage years decided to suddenly show up? if that is the case then it really is something other than 'first love' - it sounds trauma related....i once knew someone that dated a guy in high school, and to this day she still 'compares' every guy she dates [serial dater because of this and continues to suffer because of that] to this one guy that dumped her and treated her bad. i feel sorry for those who have been hurt or lost a love so far in their past that it still effects their life many, many years later.