deadline - its her call

[everlong]

Without getting into specifics, I know that something like this [a deadline] truly should be communicated in person, or via the phone, but my situation is complex, in that, those options are not available to me -and while i have no idea if this person [or those that know this person frequents this site or others] I have decided to post my decision on this site [and a few others] in the event that this person 'sees' it and understands that I have come to a crossroad.

 

I really do not have any great expectation that this person actually goes to these sites, but I guess I am hoping she does. In many ways, a non-response is what I am expecting and I guess this might be more about just having 'closure' - one way of the other.

 

What this is about is whether or not this person wants to move on forever, or figure out what the next steps are. I have decided that, if I do not hear back from this person, and I am giving the 'window of opportunity' to do so 1 week [this is fair considering the amount of time that has past] to tell me either way what they want to do. They already know my stance, as I have stated it in the past.

 

However, I am now in a situation where I must make a decision because other people are involved and seeing that this person is the only one that can contact me - the ball is in her court.

 

I will not accept anything other than face to face communication, or a phone call, or an email - and this cannot be under cover, it must be real and directly from them. And anything else that is involved with this will only be discussed privately.

[Alexandra-Girl]

It is clear that you would like a second chance with this woman. However, what is unclear is who she is. As you have written you do not know if she reads these boards. If she does, how is she to know this is you and that you are looking for her. Perhaps you may want to type her Initials to give some indication that it is her.

 

As notable we all use aliases, therefore you could too. I suggest posting her Initials such as A.B. or perhaps her first name A****. B

 

This might help narrow it down for you and for those who read these boards. Additionally, have you tried initiating contact with her directly via email or some form recently? I'm not sure how much time you two have been apart. You might want to try that. Additionally, are you being truthfull with placing such a strict deadline on your 'turn to move on forever' - can you actually do this and NOT think of her?

 

Those are just some questions to ask yourself. We all like to set dealines, and unfortunately our hearts ignore them. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that she does see this.

 

Alex

[everlong]

Hi Alexandra-Girl,

 

Thanks for the the helpful advice. I appreciate it.

 

I would like to clarify a few things. I am not looking for a second chance with this woman, I am not asking for a 'second chance' because that implies that I am needy, and that I somehow am to blame for things having ended - what I am asking her, is if she wants 'US' to move forward and figure out if we can have a relationship again. That's a big difference.

 

"As you have written you do not know if she reads these boards. If she does, how is she to know this is you and that you are looking for her. Perhaps you may want to type her Initials to give some indication that it is her."

 

True. However, the nicname I choose she would recognize as I recorded a song with that title for her and gave it to her. However for the sake of clarity her initals are: C.A.G.

 

"Additionally, have you tried initiating contact with her directly via email or some form recently?"

 

As I mentioned, she is the only one that has the ability to contact me via email and phone and she has that information.

 

"I'm not sure how much time you two have been apart."

 

The time apart is long enuff for both to have reviewed, thought over and examined what went wrong and whether or not either would want to move forward or move on - hence the deadline.

 

"Additionally, are you being truthfull with placing such a strict deadline on your 'turn to move on forever' - can you actually do this and NOT think of her?"

 

Yes. absolutely. All that is being ask for here is communication - if one can't even do that, then what's the point.

 

Thanks again.

[everlong]

Calling off the deadline. Moved on. Not going to get something honest, trustful and true anyways. Please take good care of yerself and L.

[CarolAnne]

I don't understand why you set up a critical, high-pressure deadline for her to respond if she, as you state, doesn't even know the deadline exists?

 

Maybe you need to be more direct with her. I used to do the same thing, hoping people would figure out the 'clues' and know what I'm feeling. Its easier just to say it out loud

[everlong]

you want to know why?

 

here is a story of a person that was my gf. took her under his wing and gave her back confidence. sheltered her from an abusive ex during visists [she had being in a 10 year abusive lie] and cared for her child, with trips to the hospital and trips at his expense. he did all the litte things that a partner is supposed to do, and she gave back in kind because they were in love.

 

little did he know all the secrets she held back, all the little mind games, and all the ways she would condem him for things she would be actually doing. she liked to condem and use him, shift blame, she decided he had trust issues.

 

she was a beautiful, and smart and creative and caring but she was also vindictive, jeaulous, manipulative, and like to play games and lie. she would pretend to be someone else and then cuddle up with him. and even thought he never once gave her doubt his faithfullness, she questioned him constantly, and devalued herself. she never told him all the ways she lied, hid, the illnesss she had but expected totally honesty from him.

 

she had many sets of logic that she would use to justify. she had a history she kept to herself while being charming and false. she devalue everything that was a core value to him, demanded respect, dignity, and honesty reach refused to give the same things she demanded of others.

 

he was a one woman man, while she disappear without warning, under the cover of false promises and fantasy. she teased and mocked and tortured him with a poker face. and she gladly accepted shelter at no cost, switched her furniture for his, complained about how he was raising his daughter and cancelled many promises.

 

she agreed to family planning and once the 'op' had been done, claimed it was his decision only and that had nothing to do with her - even though she preached teamwork and duality and eqaulity, it didn't matter what he did she saw as power, and control. she told him she was his soulmate and yet called him an abuser when he was suffering from depression, which lead to addiction because of work and family stress. she devalued him so much that he ended up living in his own home on a couch in the basement while she slept unstairs in her bed, in his room. she stopped talking to him, no sex, nothing, so during the peak of his despair he behaved as he had never done in his life. talked like a zombie onone chat room, watched a few porn vids, which she introduced first ti him then made him feel dirty because he wanted to do that just with her.

 

after she abandoned him, and left him in an empty house with a promise to return and never did. as a resulty he had two operations. she would go on dating sites pretending to be someone else to confuse him and would freak out on him when he bought house warming present. she made him 'work' to be a bf, tested and placed loops to jump htru when they didn't count anyway. she took information he gave her, from the heart and used it to go to the police.

 

she would never tell him, things that if he knew about he would easily had stopped. she attacked every core element that a person had and couldn't understand how that played a role into his depression.

 

she preached observation yet made judgements, and only looked at actions and behaviours as accountable even though she was an expert in a field of study where u never do such a thing. she discussed going to school full time and having him cover everything, then blasted him for not giving her the freedom that she needs. all the while he gave her the space to study at night go to gym, go out with friends, take care of her duaghter with school, ballet and ex vists and hospitals.

 

she claimed she lost herself because of what was going on and blamed him and walked out leaving him in an empty house and a promise of commitment and communication. she immediately went into hidding and people she knew and including herself told tales of affairs and posted information directly related to him so him would know and never once thought about how that would feel.

 

and then dangled the option of him telling her all the ways he messed up. and she did all of of this during the peak of his depression and even thought she did all of this she would never accept blame. in his suffering, she torn off his armour then questioned why he became distant. and she slept in her bed in his room while he coughed up blood downstairs. at the worst when he would stay up for 5 days, feeling guilty for trying to everything a provider is supposed to do but failed she grew frustrated at the pace of recovery and claimed maybe he was faking. things that were important to her had to be important to him, and her opinion was correct - and his invalid.

 

she kept secrets and nightmares hidden but worried about his, even thought he opened up his home and heart and would answer whatever she asked. because of the pressure she placed on dealbreakers, he avoided being honest, when what that was really about was covering up the guilt of her sins. he asked her to go steady in a romantic way, she broke up with him over the phone and went directly to NC without any response. he bought her clothes and jewellery and anything she wanted, she demanded he eat diner with her every night. he shared his music with her and helped her write songs and record them, and she blogged about him in nasty ways whenever she felt slighted. it was ok to break his dealbreakers but hers were written in stone. she counted on him to care for her child during work, school, fitness and parties, but thought he might be cheating if he ever went out.

 

he offered to locate in a home they would buy together, she went and bought one own her own without considering him in the discussion even though they were planning a future together. he enrolled her child in a great school and she warned the school he was to be watched. she called the police when he professed his love for her. she made sure they bought the type of food that she liked and would be upset at how he loaded the dresswasher because it wasn't done just right. she never once mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedges or swept the laneway, but enjoyed playing sims hour after hour and would complain he didn't give her attention.

 

she would play hide and seek with meanings he was supposed to guess at, but always complained he spoke a language she didn't understand. he would post comments on sites to help and they would disapear only to reappear under someone else's nicname. so his comments were taken as valid yet she would not lift a finger to call to repair his kind deeds. her and others would post little stories of affairs and misdeeds and mock him and leaqv just enuff truth or information so he would know it was then.

 

she would do all of this then tease him with notices of love others while telling him she didn't love him anymore. they laughed and the giggled and did so many great things and never once told him about her insercurities, and yet wanted him too only to claim that made him weak. he lost 25 pounds during his struggle nd she was eating balanced meals and going out meeting new people while he was stranded alone. she started to look at him wityh pity and went from calling him handsome to thinking she deserved to have better looking men around her at times. she would say i don't know how things happened, maybe i was drunk then, but then would easiely talk about how great random sex was. he recorded music with her, which got played all over the world and the songs told the tale of their rise and fall. that takes great confidence yet she called him needy and weak for crying about losing a soulmate.

 

she would accept blaming him for things she didn't work on and claim that is what drove her away and into temptation. she lost trust because he did things and attached her own values to them, and yet was the only one to take fantasy and place it in her reality and wonder why did that happen. she is wonderful and wicked and unrecognizable. she never once had enuff respect to pick up the phone and call so we could plan how our children could cope with this. and that and concern for her health, because that behaviour is nuts, was all i was trying to do. and this is only one year out of 4 that i spent with her.[/FONT][/COLOR]

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he has a found a great woman and has been with her fer a while. she cares, is a partner, they work together - everything that a couple should do.

 

is that clear enuff? if not look at his post called 'the blame game'.