Going through hell....

[lisapizza]

 
I have read over your thread and I just want to say, my heart broke as i read on. It has been tough on you. In fact you are right. Your H and I have alot of similarities, alot....... but really its just paper thin unless you mean it.

I can say you are also right but I have to take off my hat to you as well, so far in your posts it seems that something inside of you is truly starting to change..... I think you're starting to "Get it". I my h/ would. I think he wants to but maybe does not know how and that's something he needs to realize, as you have started to do.

 

No one can make you do this, it's between you and you higher power (whatever that may be). I am also reading a book called "the seat of the soul" by Gary Zukav in which he speaks of the power of "intention".

 

"We are exactly what we intend, every experience and every change in your experience reflects an intention...An intention is not only a desire. It is the use of your will. If you truly desire to change your relationship (with whomever it may be) that change begins with the intention to change it. How it will change will depend on the intention that you set."

 

 

 
My greatest wish would be to turn back time and redo everything with the knowledge I have know in my head and heart. But I cant, thats life.
I still do think the events that have unfolded would not have made me the person I am now.

 

You And I and everyone reading this post is exactly where we need to be to learn the lessons that have been intended for us to learn. We need to grow from our experiences and then we can live a fulfilled life. If we choose to ignore these lessons than we will only repeat our mistakes that made life so unhappy.

 

 

 

 
I've got what ? 30? maybe 40 years on this god given earth. When its all said and done, I dont control that. God does.
But what I do want is to live each and every day with no regrets and know I did the best I can with the rest of my life as a father and the person who I am

...Sounds like you are coming around, funny thing is, I too am going to try my darnest to change "my intentions" or like FH suggested "my sails"...I may not have been the one who had the affair, but I am tired of everyone around me paying the price for my unhappyness, if when I come out of this I am still married, then God does work miracles, only time will tell..wish me luck.

[lisapizza]

...Oops sorry, I wish you luck too, In my opinion, I think you'll be just fine...

[Dad_of_3]

First of all ... what a couple of days !!!

 

Woooooahhhhhh is all I can say.

 

So much has happened in the last couple of days that have really warped me a lot.

20th of November passed. I didnt say much as it was a hard day. It was my wedding anniversary. Its been a hard couple of days. I've been thinking but nothing of it for well over a week. I have been dreading it a little as it would hit home.The day came and well it was difficult, I had to face her as I was picking up the kids to look after them so she could go to work.

I had been going over in my head whether or not to get her a present or not.

I eventually settled on a card, made her a cd, gave her a copy of the 5 Love Languages and a watch.

It seemed like she just let the day pass. No nothing, it hurt alot but I dont blame her. I'm sure she had her own private demons to deal with that day.

I know in my heart I will always look back on my wedding day as a day of joy no matter how much it hurts inside. Its been 7 days since then and I must admit that even things change at such a rapid rate its not even funny.

Now for the fun part. 25th November ! D-Day ! LOL

I did it ! I did a tamden sky dive from 14,000 ft !

OMG is all I can say ! I can't describe the feeling of it.

I was sooooo scared of it, the whole day.

It didnt turn out how I would have liked it to be.

Because of the day I had half expected her to come watch as this was something I have tried to combat my whole life. My extreme fear of heights and rides, you name it, I had a fear of it. Because of this, she wasnt able to bring the kids out as she didnt want to stay and watch. Which hurt a little.

None of my friends where able to make it, but the funny thing is, the friends which I am sure would of came, I didnt invite them. I think by my own design, it worked out I was there by myself.

They did push my sky dive back and the wait killed me ! rofl

All I could think about was this was for my children. I want them to see a man who is able to stand up to his fears and conquer them. That fear doesnt need to hold them back.

It was for them, my angels.

All i could think about was that when I landed I would have left a man behind that I no longer wanted to be, The man that landed had changed in mind, body and spirit.

I've conquered my biggest tangible fear in life. If I doubt that I cant do anything, all I got to do is close my eyes and imagine the feeling of falling out of the plane and letting god do his magic as I fell to the earth.

I still cant believe I did it ... If anyone knew me, I would never have done this. It has truly blown my mind.

Having the kids tell me how proud they where of me, was the best feeling I got. Although 1 other moment opitimised what it was that I accomplished.

I played the DVD movie of my dive later that night.

I could see my son cry, I asked him, are you ok ?

He said, " Dad, I am soooo proud of you. I cant believe you did that"

It was at a bit where I looked into the camera and in the emoption of what I had just done, I blurted out my childrens name and how it was for them. Blew them kisses ... ahahahaha

I've just had the best weekend despite the circumstances. It wasnt what my dream was, but you know the funny thing, I made the best out of it.

I loved sitting down to a quiet dinner with my children on my B'day night. I couldnt have asked for more as they gave me cuddles all night long !

 

Even today, I've been getting feedback from alot of people that the change is happening ! I am stoked ! I am a little surprised but more and more people are starting to talk to me more.

I got feedback from a young lady that I never seem to be down, never have a bad word to say about anything, I always seem to have a smile on my face. She doesnt know how I do it. I justr explained why be sad ? Me sad, makes other people sad. I prefer to bring a smile to someones face and have them feel good about things than impart my negative feelings.

Thats not to say I dont have bad moments, I've come to accept them now. I can live with it, I am coming to understand them and ride them out.

I know which I prefer ! Gimme a smile and a positive outlook anyday !

 

Oh other feedback ?? lol

Another older lady from another divion just started conversation with me in the lift, asking if I had lost weight.

I said "yes". She said "alot havent you ?"

Again I said "Yes."

She sayd, " Oh some of the girls and I have been talking about how good you look now. You've lost alot of weight and doing really well. Whats your secret? "

I chuckled to myself. Stress and heartache I thought to myself.

I just said " Accepting you need change and doing something about it. I wasnt happy, now I'm taking those steps to get there "

After speaking to her it gave me a little ego boost I must admit.

I know in myself this positive and happy attitude, it attracts not only the best in people but people who are like-minded. People see you as someone they want to be around. I get more from seeing someone smile and have a laugh throughout the day than anything they can provide.

I want to get to the point that I wont have to pretend I am happy during the time when I am not. It will come naturally, working hard on that one

Close friends to me have seen the weak side, helped when I have needed it I couldnt fail them by giving in.

I may not reach my goal of getting an 8 pack for summer. But the thing is, I gave it my best shot. I dont have any regrets about not reaching it. I know in myself, I did the best in the circumstances and I am ok by that

 

1 last thing, Christmas will be tough, It will be the first Christmas I wont be spending with my family.

I've taken the suggestion earlier and have volunteered during the evening of Christmas night. No one deserves to be alone during Christmas.

I'm actually looking forward to it. Whether serving meals or visiting people.

 

Thank you for the best wishes Lisapizza. I appreciate it and extend it back to you as well. I hope your dreams, wishes and hopes come true with all my heart.

 

Perfect songs where I am at:

Somewhere in Between - Lifehouse.

Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park

 

Take care all ! Christmas Approaches !

Btw being an Aussie, I had no idea it was Thanksgiving or even what that holiday represents ... please dont shoot the poor Aussie ! Hahahaha

 

Thansk for the posts guys, Hope to hear from you guys again !

[PWSX3]

CONGRATS ON JUMPING OUT OF A PLANE.

 

Maybe it was better you were able to do it without anyone else watching, to me I feel that made it more personal for "you" and there was no one there except yourself to make sure you did this for yourself which was your goal in the first place.

Then you were able to share it with your kids afterwards, which is a bonus I feel.

 

Good to hear you are so positive and like you said; when you are positive others will notice even if you don't think they do.

 

I know you will be able to make it thru the Christmas season because you have the positive attitude. Sure it won't be easy as it won't be for the rest of us, but if you go help others I bet you will find it will be one of the better times you have had at the holidays.

 

Just remember there will be people thinking of you over the holidays such as myself. Good luck.

[ilmw]

I have to totaly agree with PW;)

 

You realy do sound from your writing much more upbeat.. just reading it got my spirits up...

 

Its true that when you do something out of the norm... (drastically out of the norm) that it has an effect on you..) Bursting the bubble you have been cacconed in:)

 

Yeah.. the family days (anniversary) Thanksgiving and Xmas are hard... but aslong as you can surround yourself with positive people it helps... and having a positive frame of mind too.

 

I actually have to work Xmas night and xmas day night... ...

 

So I get to see Santa to his deliveries.. hope he hasn't been drinking... cause I'd hate to contribute to millions of kiddies not getting presents...

 

take care

ilmw

[FlyingHigh]

Congratulations!!!! You did it!!!!

 

People do notice when a person is happy. It's infectiously attractive and admirable. Pleple want to get to know you...as if you have some secret. It's all attitude and feeling good about yourself. What a turn you have made!

 

I once volunteered to help feed the homeless on Thanksgiving one year. It's very rewarding. It gives you a better perspective and appreciation for you already have that most can only dream of.

 

Yep, you Aussies wouldn't understand Thanksgiving....American style. But it's just as much as a celbration of family coming together giving thangs. It's as big as Christmas.

 

Keep growing....

[Dad_of_3]

CONGRATS ON JUMPING OUT OF A PLANE.

 

Maybe it was better you were able to do it without anyone else watching, to me I feel that made it more personal for "you" and there was no one there except yourself to make sure you did this for yourself which was your goal in the first place.

Then you were able to share it with your kids afterwards, which is a bonus I feel.

 

Good to hear you are so positive and like you said; when you are positive others will notice even if you don't think they do.

 

I know you will be able to make it thru the Christmas season because you have the positive attitude. Sure it won't be easy as it won't be for the rest of us, but if you go help others I bet you will find it will be one of the better times you have had at the holidays.

 

Just remember there will be people thinking of you over the holidays such as myself. Good luck.

 

Thank you so much !

 

It was a little for me, the sky dive I mean. But last night again sumed it up as to why I did it. My kids !

 

Last night, I spoke with my princess and she was very scared to tell me something.

I gave her my certificate from the Sky Dive to present at show and tell.

During the day, she lost it.

She had been crying all day and worried about it. She even told me, the whole school was looking for it.

I calmly said to her, "darling its a piece of paper. Do you know why I did it?"

She says" A change in life?"

I say " A little, but I did for you guys! Not for a piece of paper. That doesnt mean anything to me!"

I also told her to not worry about it anymore. If its gone, its gone. "Dont Sweat the small stuff!" (Thanks FlyingHigh)

If she starts to feel sad about it, to think instead of why I did it for.

She was instantly better for it. She thanked me.

I said "No darling, Thank you!" I dont think she quite understood but maybe one day

I let her know she can tell me anything, what she thinks is going to happen, may not necessarily happen i.e BIG BAD DADDY getting angry ... lol

I then played her my new song I learnt on Tuesday night. This is a song I have been wanting to play for a long time now. Hell I'm still trying to get it and my fingers are soooo damn sore !!! LOL

She knew the song straight away ! She even started singing along.

Green Day - Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

 

Just clearing that up with her and making her smile and giggle over the phone lifted my heart and spirits.

Knowing she can go to school clear from what was worrying her did more for me than I know for her.

 

I spoke to my son as well, chatted briefly about the day and what happened. Spoke about the weekend past how good it was to spend it with them. Played my new song for him as well. He was soooo excited! He knew this was one song I had been wanting to play for a loooong time. I'm glad I was able to share that with him.

I hope they carry that tune with them today as they head off to school.

I miss them each and everyday that passes not seeing them, hugging them. I know my peace comes from them knowing they can always call on me should they need me. I love them to bits ! They are the greatest gift and accomplishment in my life and always will be.

 

Have a good day folks from around the world !

[Dad_of_3]

I have to totaly agree with PW;)

 

You realy do sound from your writing much more upbeat.. just reading it got my spirits up...

 

Its true that when you do something out of the norm... (drastically out of the norm) that it has an effect on you..) Bursting the bubble you have been cacconed in:)

 

Yeah.. the family days (anniversary) Thanksgiving and Xmas are hard... but aslong as you can surround yourself with positive people it helps... and having a positive frame of mind too.

 

I actually have to work Xmas night and xmas day night... ...

 

So I get to see Santa to his deliveries.. hope he hasn't been drinking... cause I'd hate to contribute to millions of kiddies not getting presents...

 

take care

ilmw

 

Mate ilmw, thank you so much. Appreciated ... alot.

Getting your spirits up ? You havent kown it, but I draw strength from your strength and resolve you show. I have read through your thread many times, I may not write in it, but it displays to me there is hope.

 

Hell you all do. I mean regardless of how we ended up here, people are still people. They hurt, the can be depressed, they can contemplate suicide. Thats one side.

They can truly hurt other people, they can be arrogant, they can be rude, they can be spiteful.

But the beaty of it all is that, people can be beautiful in there own way.

Regardless of who or what they have done. Where there is an open heart and mind, you only need to see the beauty in it.

For me, to see things so one-dimensional these days is just robbing me of the value and fullness of life.

I'm stronger and better to not do that.

 

Did I burst out of my bubble ??? I rocketed at 120mph to the earth !!!!

I felt soooo alive !!!!

Next up is the H.A.L.O jump in Chicago ! Its on my 50 things to do before I die. For anyone who doesnt know what that is. Its a Skydive from 30,000 ft in the air, military style ! Suit, oxygen tank, and extreme adrenalin provided .. ahahaha

No I'm not turning into a adrenaline junkie, not just yet ... lol

But no way am I going to forgo missing out on life anymore. Too much, do to, too many people to I hope inspire and change the course of, its endless.

Its not how my heart would have liked it as I tread this new path in life, but I can live with no regrets. There's still isnt the shirking of responsibility for my part of how things turned out. I still accept it and face up to it.

I'm just better and stronger now to do it as well.

 

Christmas is not going to be bleak, it will be tough but life does go on doesnt it ?

Make the most of it, and I certainly will do.

 

BTW .. when I am in Chicago doing my H.A.L.O jump, anyone want to come join me ? HAHAHAAHHA

 

Take care and have a great day !

[Dad_of_3]

Congratulations!!!! You did it!!!!

 

People do notice when a person is happy. It's infectiously attractive and admirable. Pleple want to get to know you...as if you have some secret. It's all attitude and feeling good about yourself. What a turn you have made!

 

I once volunteered to help feed the homeless on Thanksgiving one year. It's very rewarding. It gives you a better perspective and appreciation for you already have that most can only dream of.

 

Yep, you Aussies wouldn't understand Thanksgiving....American style. But it's just as much as a celbration of family coming together giving thangs. It's as big as Christmas.

 

Keep growing....

 

Thanks again FlyingHigh.

 

Today I fell again, hard, in myself. The pain, the guilt, the self punishment.

I know in myself its just a stage of whats happening. I got to ride it out. That I did. Spent a night with coffee and friends, in time it passed.

I'm feeling ok at the moment.

Its a tough path, funny thing is .. I wouldnt want it any other way now.

 

With even this support plus the ones close and dear to me, I'll get on.

[ilmw]

Thanks again FlyingHigh.

 

Today I fell again, hard, in myself. The pain, the guilt, the self punishment.

I know in myself its just a stage of whats happening. I got to ride it out. That I did. Spent a night with coffee and friends, in time it passed.

I'm feeling ok at the moment.

Its a tough path, funny thing is .. I wouldnt want it any other way now.

 

With even this support plus the ones close and dear to me, I'll get on.

 

Yeah... the falls happen..

 

I too can be driving to work...pass by some place..have a flash back... then I realy get down.. but have to shake it off..before I get to the station... gotta have my wits about me... but still to this day.. sometimes go off by myself...and regroup.

 

Getting out and having fun is a great way to get your mind of things.. although now I have to let people to not bring up my marriage.. as I didn't come out to talk about it...

 

Good stuff Do3:D

[scripter]

I am new to this site and hope to find exciting people to conversate with. I also have my own site for dating which includes free webcam chat. If people are caught being pornographic on the cam they will be banded. It is not to be used in that manner but instead to be used to view the person as they really are before attempting to meet them face to face.

http://mypursuit.com

[ilmw]

I am new to this site and hope to find exciting people to conversate with. I also have my own site for dating which includes free webcam chat. If people are caught being pornographic on the cam they will be banded. It is not to be used in that manner but instead to be used to view the person as they really are before attempting to meet them face to face.

http://mypursuit.com

 

Hmmm..kinda strange post for this forum.. ...

 

Some folks have no srcuples...

[Dad_of_3]

Yeah... the falls happen..

 

I too can be driving to work...pass by some place..have a flash back... then I realy get down.. but have to shake it off..before I get to the station... gotta have my wits about me... but still to this day.. sometimes go off by myself...and regroup.

 

Getting out and having fun is a great way to get your mind of things.. although now I have to let people to not bring up my marriage.. as I didn't come out to talk about it...

 

Good stuff Do3:D

 

Strenght and composure come from strange places.

When it truly comes from within, you even surprise yourself.

 

Time out, clarity and clear vision sort it out.

 

I couldnt agree with you more ! Getting out and letting your hair down is truly a great way of getting that burst of positiveness in your life.

This weekend ended up being a bit of a bust.

I was suppossed to be going down to Melbourne for a trip with some of my friends.

Due to some poor planning, schedules and flight changes we had to abandon the trip.

Instead we made the most of it, we planned a trip into the city. What a night it was! I have not had as much fun in a looooooong time !

I used to work at the casino in Sydney " Star City " and hell the guys wanted to visit there and learn to play some games.

I used to love that job, it was the best. I have such fond memories from there. There I was confident, popular and well known amongst the staff.

Oh god, I have 2 bad memories from there as well.

Time for another confession.

There where 2 times I cheated on my stbxw while I was working at Star City. I never had sex with either of them, but it was cheating nonetheless.

The first girl was someone who I worked with from the very start of when the casino opened. We where really good friends throughout the years. Sure we mucked around a fair lot but it would never be anything in it. One night we finished work, she needed a lift home, she asked me and I was fine by it. Thats all it was in my mind, I was dropping her off home. We stopped at the staff drinking hole for a drink which sort of became a custom for staff, then headed off.

On the way home, she asked to drop by to buy some alcohol, which was on the way anyway. We ended up stopping in the pub and having a drink, putting $5 each in a poker machine and talking. I think in my mind then was when things started ticking over in my head. Once we where back in the car and heading back I was already thinking things that could happen.

When we got to her place she invited me in for a drink, I accepted.

Warning bells should have been going off, but they didnt. She got me a drink and we were talking again as usual. I know in my mind that I had wanted something to happen. We ended up cuddling together. The point I know where it was serious was when I was 'dry humping'

It stopped when I tried to kiss her and she turned away. I got up and had to leave. She asked me to stay and just sleep on the couch. I couldnt, I felt so stupid and guilty. I left with my mind so messed up.

The stbxw on the way home called me on my mobile, but I didnt answer it. I was so ashamed of what I had done, god so guilty of it.

When I got home, all I did was lie about what I had done, saying I was tired and had pulled over on the side of the road to sleep it off. I couldnt bring myself to tell her at that time. I know she didnt believe me, and being the lier and being scared of the consequences I stuck to my story for the longest time.

 

This kinda hurts a bit, I'll have to write up the rest later when I get myself over this fall, it will pass

[ilmw]

Its good to get things off your chest once an awhile...

 

Question for you... and I can't remember if you have posted this before....but why did you allow yourself to do these things with other woman?

 

Are you able to anwer that?

 

If not... you may want to try to figure that one out... cause that would seem to be a biggy.

 

Take care mate

 

ilmw

[Dad_of_3]

Its good to get things off your chest once an awhile...

 

Question for you... and I can't remember if you have posted this before....but why did you allow yourself to do these things with other woman?

 

Are you able to anwer that?

 

If not... you may want to try to figure that one out... cause that would seem to be a biggy.

 

Take care mate

 

ilmw

 

Getting things of my chest ... yeah its rough.

Its a bugger actually ...

 

Do I know why I have done all these things with other women?

In a way yes. Comes down to wanting to feel loved and having the fact someone want me as a indication of my own self worth.

If I felt attractive and wanted, hey I was a nice guy. How silly that looks now in the light of day.

I've only been able to see what is has been with work with my counsellor, talking with friends and a hell of a lot of soul searching.

One of the biggest discoveries since all this happened is my own self worth.

This doesnt need to be determined by how someone views me.

I know deep down inside I am a great guy, a loving father and a terrific friend. I need to just be me.

Hold true to my ideals, be honest with myself and the world and everything else will fall in its place. I've always tried to say and do allthe right things to make people happier to satisfy my own needs.

I need to be honest to myself and stop the lying to myself. If I cant be truthful to myself, how the hell can I be honest with the world.

 

Still discovering and learning as I go.

 

Anyway off for the day. Hope everyone has a good day !

Another gorgeous summer in Sydney, better go, I dont want to miss a thing !

[lisapizza]

Comes down to wanting to feel loved and having the fact someone want me as a indication of my own self worth....

If I felt attractive and wanted, hey I was a nice guy. How silly that looks now in the light of day..One of the biggest discoveries since all this happened is my own self worth....

 

This sounds like my h/, he says he did it because he wanted to feel like a man...is that what you mean??

 

I don't mean this in a bad way at all so please don't take it like I'm being sarcastic. He does not seem to think he needs IC but boy does he (he definately will need it when I leave his butt!)

I just think it's weird that the comments you made are alot alike, I thought maybe you could help me understand how men think??

[Dad_of_3]

This sounds like my h/, he says he did it because he wanted to feel like a man...is that what you mean??

 

I don't mean this in a bad way at all so please don't take it like I'm being sarcastic. He does not seem to think he needs IC but boy does he (he definately will need it when I leave his butt!)

I just think it's weird that the comments you made are alot alike, I thought maybe you could help me understand how men think??

 

No, never did I try to pass it off that it made me feel more like a man. For my own values, thats such a cop out. If I want to feel like a man, I would have signed up for the army or gone on some guerilla camp.

To me, trying to pass that off as manly is just bull****. I blame stereotyping and hollywood for that excuse.

 

Just even now getting back from my counselling session, its open my eyes. Self Worth goes deeper than that. Back to my childhood, back to my parents. I had a pretty messed up childhood. This isnt a cop out for me.

I opened some real wounds just even in the last 4 weeks.

Being seperated from my parents at a young age, finally meeting them in Australia. The change and shift in how things where viewed.

The role of my parents in my life. How weak my mother is in spirit. How much of a domineering and decietful person my father is.

They played a role in shaping the person I developed into but I will not let that become a cop out.

I'm an adult now, I can recognise, analysis and grow from this.

Its taken me 31 years to find a small part of my authentic self. I am worthy of being me. I can be honest, confident and open me without the approval of others.

It just came down to self worth and self esteem.

I looked to others for justification of who I was. When I say attractive, wanted. I felt validated, I felt the biggest high. It was a measure of who I was, what I was about. I was not comfortable with myself.

If I didnt get it, I went looking for it, I went and hid from it.

Even with stbxw, I looked to her, for validation that I am a nice person, that to be wanted back and loved by her would be a measure of who I was.

I dont know if I explained it well, but in the end, I wasnt honest with myself.

 

It sounds like your H is treading the same ground I was on. If a person can be honest with themselves and truly seek all avenues to better assist themselves then there is hope.

 

I've read, I've talked, I've gone to IC. I will look for anything to help myself and my loved ones.

 

If he has a reluctance to go to IC, why ?

Its only going to benefit him and eventually the people around him. So I got to ask why the reluctance?

 

If you want my opinion and itsa just that, he is still in his dream land. Everything is going to work out by itself. He doesnt have to do a damn thing, from the sounds of it.

Like I did, he is taking for granted all that is around him, he isnt facing up to the consequences as yet.

Dont get me wrong, I dont know him, but admitting mistakes and actually taking action are 2 different things.

Seems like he wants to but he may not know how to.

Like FlyingHigh did with me, he may need to walk that path and learn the hard way.

By then the decision will be up to you whether he's worth it or not.

But by then you may have already 'sailed'

 

I dont take anything written on here for face value, you do not have to apologise.

If I can help in anyway, please do ask me.

I have nothing to hide, I have only my life experiences and the lessons I have learnt to share.

If I can in some way help just 1 person whether now or in the future, then I would more than anything like too.

[ilmw]

No, never did I try to pass it off that it made me feel more like a man. For my own values, thats such a cop out. If I want to feel like a man, I would have signed up for the army or gone on some guerilla camp.

To me, trying to pass that off as manly is just bull****. I blame stereotyping and hollywood for that excuse.

 

Just even now getting back from my counselling session, its open my eyes. Self Worth goes deeper than that. Back to my childhood, back to my parents. I had a pretty messed up childhood. This isnt a cop out for me.

I opened some real wounds just even in the last 4 weeks.

Being seperated from my parents at a young age, finally meeting them in Australia. The change and shift in how things where viewed.

The role of my parents in my life. How weak my mother is in spirit. How much of a domineering and decietful person my father is.

They played a role in shaping the person I developed into but I will not let that become a cop out.

I'm an adult now, I can recognise, analysis and grow from this.

Its taken me 31 years to find a small part of my authentic self. I am worthy of being me. I can be honest, confident and open me without the approval of others.

It just came down to self worth and self esteem.

I looked to others for justification of who I was. When I say attractive, wanted. I felt validated, I felt the biggest high. It was a measure of who I was, what I was about. I was not comfortable with myself.

If I didnt get it, I went looking for it, I went and hid from it.

Even with stbxw, I looked to her, for validation that I am a nice person, that to be wanted back and loved by her would be a measure of who I was.

I dont know if I explained it well, but in the end, I wasnt honest with myself.

 

It sounds like your H is treading the same ground I was on. If a person can be honest with themselves and truly seek all avenues to better assist themselves then there is hope.

 

I've read, I've talked, I've gone to IC. I will look for anything to help myself and my loved ones.

 

If he has a reluctance to go to IC, why ?

Its only going to benefit him and eventually the people around him. So I got to ask why the reluctance?

 

If you want my opinion and itsa just that, he is still in his dream land. Everything is going to work out by itself. He doesnt have to do a damn thing, from the sounds of it.

Like I did, he is taking for granted all that is around him, he isnt facing up to the consequences as yet.

Dont get me wrong, I dont know him, but admitting mistakes and actually taking action are 2 different things.

Seems like he wants to but he may not know how to.

Like FlyingHigh did with me, he may need to walk that path and learn the hard way.

By then the decision will be up to you whether he's worth it or not.

But by then you may have already 'sailed'

 

I dont take anything written on here for face value, you do not have to apologise.

If I can help in anyway, please do ask me.

I have nothing to hide, I have only my life experiences and the lessons I have learnt to share.

If I can in some way help just 1 person whether now or in the future, then I would more than anything like too.

 

This post got me thinking...

 

I too used to try and blame my past... for my present situation... but after reading ...IC and well coming on here.. I figured out that .... living in the past doesn't help your today.. and will do nothing for your tommorow...

 

Although.... we can look into our past and try and learn from those mistakes... (hell... this is pretty common knowledge. )

 

Do3 a lot of what you wrote up there... reminded me a lot of what I came to realise too.... strange hugh... it kinda gives you some peace.... I lost 10lbs of my shoulder from the (chip) I have been carrying along for so many years... Once you understand.. what it is... you can do something about it.... wash it away.... let it go...

 

That is why my frown is now a smile..... Do you feel like you have a new lease on life...? (I do... )

 

ilmw

[WhisperingWillow]

Hi Do3,

 

I've been on this forum and the others reading quite a bit. I even posted. However I have gained a handle on my situation. I just wanted to say that it takes a small man to do the things you did to your wife, but it takes a bigger one to own up to them, not make excuses, and get on with your life as you have. I admire that, and you should be proud. Not only have you been moving on but you've also done the right things in taking care of yourself for yourself and the kids.

 

When I went through my divorce it hurt like hell, I tried everything in the book to hang in there, I eventually told my now exH that we had to sell the house, sometimes there is no way around it. I worked all the time and he was a stay at home father. Since I had the better education and I could make more. Didn't bother me. I looked at it as taking care of my children and my Husband. He was furious when I told him that I could not afford my own place, plus pay mortgage on our house, pulled out the "Oh pity me" card just like your wife is doing. Be sympathetic but do not feel guilty for having to live. You have needs just like your wife does and your needs are just as important. As for the kids and moving schools and friends, telephones I have found are great things, as well as email, play dates, and sure the kids get a little unnerved but guess what? They're resilient. They will adjust. This is a huge adjusting time for everyone.

 

As for doing things for her, she will have to learn everything on her own. Stop doing things for her unless it will benefit the children. I had to learn to do simple maintenance on my car, register my car, take care of maintenance around my home. I had to learn quite a few things. It takes time, and this will make it very real to her for her to have to take on some responsibilities and stand on her own two feet. Not to try and put this in your face either, but she does have a boyfriend and if she needs the extra help then she needs to rely on him now, not you. So just keep that in check.

 

On another note about her going out and about with friends, boyfriend, etc. She needs to learn to include the children into some of her activities. It is not wrong for you to want some down time, to get your bearings and to have some time to just think, relax, learn something new, go out with friends of your own. Do not be scared to tell her no. Your children deserve a happy healthy emotional and physical father. I have told my ex no many times. I have primary custody, but he, in the beginning, did not want to take on the kids every other weekend like we had agreed. Citing that he had things to do with friends and had already made those plans, or that he had a date. So on and so on. His girlfriend had to get use to having children around. I started saying no, he needed to take the children like we agreed upon. I have found that when kids are in the mix that our ex's SO's at the time wake up with a hard dose of reality, and the fairytale goes poof. That's too bad.

 

In closing I'd just like to say that you aren't a bad person and I commend you on all you're doing. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[Dad_of_3]

This post got me thinking...

 

I too used to try and blame my past... for my present situation... but after reading ...IC and well coming on here.. I figured out that .... living in the past doesn't help your today.. and will do nothing for your tommorow...

 

Although.... we can look into our past and try and learn from those mistakes... (hell... this is pretty common knowledge. )

 

Do3 a lot of what you wrote up there... reminded me a lot of what I came to realise too.... strange hugh... it kinda gives you some peace.... I lost 10lbs of my shoulder from the (chip) I have been carrying along for so many years... Once you understand.. what it is... you can do something about it.... wash it away.... let it go...

 

That is why my frown is now a smile..... Do you feel like you have a new lease on life...? (I do... )

 

ilmw

 

I can't explain it. Its like an open book. Its like seeing clearer for the first time, experiencing things for the first time.

Noticing the little things, the big things. The scope and the nature of it all.

I figured out that .... living in the past doesn't help your today.. and will do nothing for your tommorow...

 

That is is just brillant ! It sums it all in a nutshell. So simple, yet it escapes so many people, and I will admit I was one of them.

Yeah I curse myself, I beat myself, and cry over it, but in the end, if I do nothing, I'm still in that same spot.

 

You certainly have grown even in the last couple of months that have past. I'm there with you buddy, I may not be in the same situation but I know what you mean. I cant explain it, but its like something I've been clutching to my chest for so long, it became second nature. I've clutched it harder when times got rough, never knowing what it was.

I've squeezed too tight and made it a part of me too long. I've just opened my arms and let it go, wherever it chooses too. I have made the decision not to have it with me any longer.

 

A smile, so simple to do yet these days it seems there's not enough on people's faces.

I love a simple smile, the look of joy, happiness andthe feeling of peace.

I'm not talking about a 'camera' or 'put on ' smile, but one that comes from your nature of who you are. Smile on buddy !

 

A new lease on life ?

Absolutely and positively. It already began with little steps months ago, they may be little steps but its already started.

When did life begin ? It doesnt matter, what does is that it has and I embrace it with everything I am

[Dad_of_3]

Hi Do3,

 

I've been on this forum and the others reading quite a bit. I even posted. However I have gained a handle on my situation. I just wanted to say that it takes a small man to do the things you did to your wife, but it takes a bigger one to own up to them, not make excuses, and get on with your life as you have. I admire that, and you should be proud. Not only have you been moving on but you've also done the right things in taking care of yourself for yourself and the kids.

 

When I went through my divorce it hurt like hell, I tried everything in the book to hang in there, I eventually told my now exH that we had to sell the house, sometimes there is no way around it. I worked all the time and he was a stay at home father. Since I had the better education and I could make more. Didn't bother me. I looked at it as taking care of my children and my Husband. He was furious when I told him that I could not afford my own place, plus pay mortgage on our house, pulled out the "Oh pity me" card just like your wife is doing. Be sympathetic but do not feel guilty for having to live. You have needs just like your wife does and your needs are just as important. As for the kids and moving schools and friends, telephones I have found are great things, as well as email, play dates, and sure the kids get a little unnerved but guess what? They're resilient. They will adjust. This is a huge adjusting time for everyone.

 

As for doing things for her, she will have to learn everything on her own. Stop doing things for her unless it will benefit the children. I had to learn to do simple maintenance on my car, register my car, take care of maintenance around my home. I had to learn quite a few things. It takes time, and this will make it very real to her for her to have to take on some responsibilities and stand on her own two feet. Not to try and put this in your face either, but she does have a boyfriend and if she needs the extra help then she needs to rely on him now, not you. So just keep that in check.

 

On another note about her going out and about with friends, boyfriend, etc. She needs to learn to include the children into some of her activities. It is not wrong for you to want some down time, to get your bearings and to have some time to just think, relax, learn something new, go out with friends of your own. Do not be scared to tell her no. Your children deserve a happy healthy emotional and physical father. I have told my ex no many times. I have primary custody, but he, in the beginning, did not want to take on the kids every other weekend like we had agreed. Citing that he had things to do with friends and had already made those plans, or that he had a date. So on and so on. His girlfriend had to get use to having children around. I started saying no, he needed to take the children like we agreed upon. I have found that when kids are in the mix that our ex's SO's at the time wake up with a hard dose of reality, and the fairytale goes poof. That's too bad.

 

In closing I'd just like to say that you aren't a bad person and I commend you on all you're doing. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

 

WhisperingWillow, I thought I'd had my last big cry but reading this post from you made me realise 2 things. I'll always have tears to cry.

Whether tears of joy or sadness. They will be there, to say I wont will be me denying who or what I am.

Secondly, I thank you so much. To have even this small support, is amazing. To read your words, words you didnt even have to type but made the choice to voice them to me, it speaks volumes to me.

 

I do keep my head held high, but I also know that it can get weary and sometimes just a little too hard to do.

These days, I try to look into myself for that strength thats always been there, but never listened to.

And even if I fall, no matter how hard, I will always try to pull myself up. Even when that doesnt work, I've found that the people who have become a facet, a part of my life, offer a hand. They dont come down to pick me up. They dont make me get up.

They offer a hand cause they know I have the strength to do it.

Thats whether in real life and as I have come to learn on here as well.

I guess the biggest thing I have discovered from it all, is that its ok to fall, your meant to in life, things happen for a reason.

Its what you are going to do with it after, its how you pick yourself up and whether to curse yourself or put a smile on your face, say ' Well that sucked but I am ok. How did that happen ? Right ! Next time I'll watch that step '

 

I better stop here otherwise I am going to be late for work.

I would like to post more to your post WhisperingWillow

 

Thank you again !

 

Well ladies and gentlemen thats enough from me for now ... Have a great day, and take care of yourselves !

[Dad_of_3]

Well well well, what a couple of days can do to you.

 

Have been looking after the kids at 'old home' First couple of days have been rough. Its like going back in time. Most things are the same, subtle changes here and there. I cant even begin to look into the bedroom. It just makes me sick to the stomach.

A friend has said just to view it as a hotel, thats all it is. I've tried countless times, and it is tough. Disractions work the best when I get into that state.

Kids been having a ball. Its good to be back in a contstant environment with them. The whole cooking, looking after them gives me more pleasure than anything at this stage.

What my little girl said to me the other captured it all.

She said, " Daddy we have so much fun with you. More than mummy"

Now my response to that straight away was " I like hearing that honey, but you know your mummy and you guys have fun too. As long as you are "

That for me was from something as simple as going on a shopping trip for the fortnight.

My mission that afternoon was to embarass them with daddy's randon singing in the supermarket ! hahahah

Lets say nothing prepared the shoppers or my kids for a little sing song whilst shopping. They where laughing and carrying on, I loved it !

 

I guess I am at a point where I am looking for this to be over.

I dont like the person she has become or turned into.

It is starting to get to a point where all i see in her is her anger and resentment. that I can live with, as long as she was open and honest with it. But the way things are turning out, its starting to become hostile and really spiteful in certain things. Its her way that she has to be right and she can get away with anything she damn well wants.

Its gotten to the point where we are meeting in public to change over the kids, kills me that it has gotten to this point.

Our last exchange was not pleasant at all. She threatened me at that point, in regards to getting a 'lawyer'

Oh ok I thought, I'm not taking this crap anymore.

I dont need this crap from her.

I politely nodded and walked away. Last words from my mouth where me politely informing her I will be contacting real estate agents to put the house on the market, get some interest.

I've always known her to have this temper, that she snaps, makes me look lame, her need to be right at this time. I just dont like how its all coming clear to me.

 

I truly have my own thoughts about her and what she is doing. She has resolved nothing, in herself. Her issues, her insecurities.

For me, its coming from a there's nothing I can do, to a approach of I'll accept the choice that has been made, and well I really dotn give a damn. I have my own morals and ethics, especially with work in IC and self discovery, it just goes against what I believe in myself.

 

All I can think of at this stage is the remaining time with children, the end of the year and a brand new start in the coming new year.

I will not let something like this stop the change and start to something i know will only get better.

 

Have a good one guys !

[Dad_of_3]

On a good note .. my divorce busting book finally arrived after much hassle.

 

Now lets have a read ...

[FlyingHigh]

Hi Do3,

 

I may have not replied for awhile, but doesn't mean I haven't been keeping up on your trail either...

 

A new lease on life ?

Absolutely and positively. It already began with little steps months ago, they may be little steps but its already started.

When did life begin ? It doesnt matter, what does is that it has and I embrace it with everything I am

Your new lease on life BEGAN when you DECIDED to adjust your sails. You knew you couldn't change your wife or the direction of your marriage (the wind) until YOU changed your approach towards your wife AND marriage. That's all it took.

 

Funny thing about life is that God gave all of us EQUAL time, minutes, seconds and hours each day. But how we decide to use that time is up to each of us. Somewhere along the way is a path filled with hurdles but each carries immeasurable growth. There are those who advances because they've chosen to grow and learn from each hurdle, while others remain behind. Those who are left behind are those who neglected to take the time to learn from each hurdle (life lessons) for various reasons depending on their value system. Some are constantly looking to others for self validation in order to make them happy. But it always end up being temporary because for many, the skills to be happy with ourselves are rarely taught and learned from our parents or schools. Only through traumatic and life experiences that teach us about ourselves---as you have.

 

I dont like the person she has become or turned into.

This is one of those ironies when one changes, their perception of those whom they regarded with high standards at one point also changes. Because you have redefined your self worth and value system by your experience, your wife suddenly appears different. Consider this as another shift in the wind which you will need to adjust your sails. So far, you've handled it remarkedly well with civility and respect.

 

Understand and accept that your wife's resentment and anger towards you probably won't die down for awhile. In her mind, the wounds are still fresh. And because she has recognized and NOTICED a "new and improved" you, her resentment level will probably increase. She probably thinks that the change in you equals to a new exciting life which she is not likely a part of. A little jealous and envious perhaps.

 

Continue approaching her the way that you have...respectfully and calmly. Add also that while you have changed positively, your wife's emotions are still raw at best. When you feel she starts to get upset and not hearing you, always GIVE HER AN OPTION. By doing this you are allowing her to be a part of the process when it comes to selling your marital home or anything to do with your children. Unless she becomes violent then, by all means walk away. But, one thing that we women hate is for the guy to walk away without giving us a clear cut indication of where the matter is going. So this will be a challenge on your part. Consider you've been sailing smoothly for awhile. Now, it's time to adjust again....

 

Rather than "telling" her what you would like to do with the house, "SUGGEST" to her the "best" possible solutions for the both of you. Then ask her what she thinks. Remember that her response will most likely be an emotional one and will probably vent in between. Don't get upset. Just listen. Empathize with her maybe with an apology thown in somewhere then go back and reiterate the practicality of what needs to be done and why. If she is not hearing your version, simply suggest that she think about it.

 

She may be hurt, but if she's smart, she knows she can't use the children against you. But, that doesn't mean she won't. Just be prepared that emotionally desperate people will do desperate and stupid things. So rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, you may want to prepare for this possible outcome. Since you know her well and how she thinks, use it to your advantage. Hopefully, it won't come to this.

 

You're doing very well.....

[ilmw]

Do3 just asked Chad the same thing... how are things going

 

You have posted in other threads... but lets here how you are doing in your own...

 

BTW... do you Aussies BBQ your xmas turkey?.. :laugh: