Going through hell....

[Dad_of_3]

On a quick side note,

 

Can anyone suggest any decent reading material.

 

I've started on some Dr Phil books and hey as silly as some people will think, he's talking about me as I read.

 

Looking for more to read up on.

 

Thank you !

[behonest63]

dad,

 

I hope you are having a wonderful day, may god bless you and give you the strength to continue to move forward and carry on. I know he will and I know you will. Your Friend Donald

[dgiirl]

*gasp* a man read dr phil? I'm shocked

 

Do3, I'm very glad to see you are doing some very productive things! Like you said, you can choose to sit idle while everyone keeps moving forward, or you can get off your butt and start making changes. (Thanks for that, I needed a reminder today Keep focusing on you, and try to work through that anger in a productive way. Seeking revenge will get you nowhere. And I've had a very hard time not giving into revenge. But I noticed that every time I do give into even the smallest of revenge, or even contemplate it, negative things happen to ME. It's a karma thing. The more positive energy you produce, the more you'll get returned. The more negative energy you produce, or wish onto others, will get returned onto you. If you cannot wish them well yet ( i know i certainly cannot), then atleast aim for indifference. Focus on you, focus on how you can make today a better day for you and your loved ones. Every day you need to ask yourself two important questions. 1) Did you accomplish at least one thing today? 2) Did you have fun today? In order to have a good day, you need to be able to take care of your responsibilities, and you also need to enjoy life.

 

As for reading, you can always pick up The 5 love languages, Divorce busting, and take a look at marriage builders website. I think this is the typical required reading for divorcee's as of present.

 

Hang in there. In time, you will get through it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

On a quick side note,

 

Can anyone suggest any decent reading material.

 

I've started on some Dr Phil books and hey as silly as some people will think, he's talking about me as I read.

 

Looking for more to read up on.

 

Thank you !

 

hello Do3

 

I have read those self help after an affair books too...and they do help....they help change the attitude of your brian.

 

 

Not sure what your faith is....or if you have any faith at all....but this book helped me alot. it put everything in perspective

 

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

 

this book changed the attitude of my heart....

 

good luck and stay strong...those who endure the pain will get relief in time...

[ilmw]

Hi there,

 

read your reply... to me... sounds good where you are heading.... keep it up.... You will keep hearing on here.... it does get easier... it is true... you get used to the pain... adapt to it it guess. Focusing on the kids is one way of finding joy.... but I find I should not over do it.. I don't want to be a Disney Dad... spoiling them everytime they come over.. Just try to have much fun as possible...with them and cook their favourite foods... now that I have a kitchen:laugh:

 

As for books... Dr Phil eh? Looked at some of his books... sounds like you found one worthwhile... which one... I'm in need of more reading...stuff..

 

BTW..how is your spring weather down under?

[LakesideDream]

Behonest, and Do3, why are you guys missing? Your problems are about YOU.

 

I already posted my opinion on Do3 earlier. I didn't post on "Behonest63" because I didn't buy into his/your B.S.

 

The reason you "strayed" (sounds better than Fu**ed other women" eh?) was because your wife of 24 years wasn't "supportive" and your sex life sucked? Pleeeassse! After 24 years of marriage, you know your partner, and should know yourself.

 

I'll tell you from hard won experiance that I'd trade all the "support", and good sex for a joke and a warm smile anytime.

 

You guys need to be honest with yourselves first. Both of you were way to selfish. You cared about yourselves first, and didn't give a second thought to what you were doing to ruin your marriages and families. As a person who has been on the other side of it (I'm male) I can tell you without doubt in my mind that you are getting exactly what you deserve. Justice isn't usually so quick and direct.

[Dad_of_3]

*gasp* a man read dr phil? I'm shocked

 

Do3, I'm very glad to see you are doing some very productive things! Like you said, you can choose to sit idle while everyone keeps moving forward, or you can get off your butt and start making changes. (Thanks for that, I needed a reminder today Keep focusing on you, and try to work through that anger in a productive way. Seeking revenge will get you nowhere. And I've had a very hard time not giving into revenge. But I noticed that every time I do give into even the smallest of revenge, or even contemplate it, negative things happen to ME. It's a karma thing. The more positive energy you produce, the more you'll get returned. The more negative energy you produce, or wish onto others, will get returned onto you. If you cannot wish them well yet ( i know i certainly cannot), then atleast aim for indifference. Focus on you, focus on how you can make today a better day for you and your loved ones. Every day you need to ask yourself two important questions. 1) Did you accomplish at least one thing today? 2) Did you have fun today? In order to have a good day, you need to be able to take care of your responsibilities, and you also need to enjoy life.

 

As for reading, you can always pick up The 5 love languages, Divorce busting, and take a look at marriage builders website. I think this is the typical required reading for divorcee's as of present.

 

Hang in there. In time, you will get through it.

 

Yup, grabbed a Dr Phil book. I checked at all the book shops I could across for some of the recommended reading material. 5 languages, divorcebusting, but most of them they had to backorder. I've ordered divorcebusters and waiting on shipment of that from the states.

Its Dr Phil's "Self matters" I've read like the first 2 chapters and the wonderous thing is, as strange as it sounds, its me he is talking about. I am a bit freaked out but excited at the same time.

I mean I have always had a Dr Phil book in my old home. Whether Relationship rescue or Life Strategies. I've never really took them seriously or had the time to read them, I got nothing but time now.

I've grabbed them tonight and look forward to reading them as well.

Thanks for the words of encouragement dgiirl.

I know nothing I can do externally is going to get her back.

If she is gone, then she is gone. As much as it is gut wrenching and painful to say. I want to cry just reading over that sentence, but its whats real.

Not the delusions and yes as some people have stated, my selfish mis-doings, its all too real.

I can put myself in pain, put my thoughts, my emotions and energy into that. Why the hell would anyone want to?

I'll keep with the positive, as much as I can.

I'm glad i was even able to help a little by seeing your post dgiirl.

I really have let my anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, all those negative feelings go.

Dont get me wrong, they do creep up, but what do I do about it that matters. I aint looking for a distraction, thats what I have been doing my whole life.

I acknowledge it, I deal with it. Then i remind myself of the good things so far in my life. I'm a long way from ok, but it'll do for now.

 

Positives to make in my life and my loved ones ? Sounds like sound advice dgiirl. I'll keep that as a facet to help

thanks dgiirl

[Dad_of_3]

hello Do3

 

I have read those self help after an affair books too...and they do help....they help change the attitude of your brian.

 

 

Not sure what your faith is....or if you have any faith at all....but this book helped me alot. it put everything in perspective

 

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

 

this book changed the attitude of my heart....

 

good luck and stay strong...those who endure the pain will get relief in time...

 

 

Thanks for the post thumbingyourway.

I've never really been much of a religious man. I mean I have always known of a higher entity and believe in an afterlife.

 

Thanks for the recommendation for the book, will look into it for sure.

[Dad_of_3]

Hi there,

 

read your reply... to me... sounds good where you are heading.... keep it up.... You will keep hearing on here.... it does get easier... it is true... you get used to the pain... adapt to it it guess. Focusing on the kids is one way of finding joy.... but I find I should not over do it.. I don't want to be a Disney Dad... spoiling them everytime they come over.. Just try to have much fun as possible...with them and cook their favourite foods... now that I have a kitchen:laugh:

 

As for books... Dr Phil eh? Looked at some of his books... sounds like you found one worthwhile... which one... I'm in need of more reading...stuff..

 

BTW..how is your spring weather down under?

 

Thanks for the encouragement ilmw. Here i have found a little bit of both. encouragement as much as the in your face cold hard facts, both have been helpful.

As for the kids, I hear ya, i dont want to burn out and have them think every day is suuuper duuuper with dad. Dont get me wrong, the times I have had them now, they have had a ball. Even the simple pleasure of taking them on a walk around my old neighbourhood has been good.

I've also joined a group for single parents that have children as well. That wasnt too bad, i felt very strange thats for sure, these people that I knew nothing about, was a little daunting at first thats for sure, butthe kids had a blast. They made new friends and had fun. At the end of the day, all I could think about was that it was a good day for them. for me, I dont know if I will be going to the adult events, as its probably not where I am at. I know its about gong out and meeting people and what not, but I gotta figure myself out first. I dont hold any expectations on what the future will hold, but i gotta figure me out! I dont have many friends who have children so its hard to find some common groud for the kids. Even I understand the kids need to be just that, kids ! So I dotn mindalready planning more days with this group with the kids in mind, they're estastic, which makes me happy.

 

The Dr Phil book I am reading atm is "Self Matters" First 2 chapters and I am really shocked, its confronting but damn its gives me that spark !

check it out as much as I will check out whats been posted on for me to read so far.

 

Spring in Syndey ? Doesnt get any better ... 27'celsuis, beautiful days

cant wait for the aussie summer ... beach, beach and more beach. plus with the work I am putting into working out and keeping fit, I'm really gonne shine come summer

I'll send some of the aussie summer to you guys ! :-)

[Dad_of_3]

Behonest, and Do3, why are you guys missing? Your problems are about YOU.

 

I already posted my opinion on Do3 earlier. I didn't post on "Behonest63" because I didn't buy into his/your B.S.

 

The reason you "strayed" (sounds better than Fu**ed other women" eh?) was because your wife of 24 years wasn't "supportive" and your sex life sucked? Pleeeassse! After 24 years of marriage, you know your partner, and should know yourself.

 

I'll tell you from hard won experiance that I'd trade all the "support", and good sex for a joke and a warm smile anytime.

 

You guys need to be honest with yourselves first. Both of you were way to selfish. You cared about yourselves first, and didn't give a second thought to what you were doing to ruin your marriages and families. As a person who has been on the other side of it (I'm male) I can tell you without doubt in my mind that you are getting exactly what you deserve. Justice isn't usually so quick and direct.

 

Ouch ... well you are gonna get the blatant truth smack bang whether I want it ot not.

A different and confronting aspect to what you say as a mess I created. Yup I sure did. I messed up, I cheated on my wife, I f*cked another woman, I cheated on my wife with another woman in emails. Talked dirty and with talk that should onyl have been with my wife. I took my wife, my family and my kids for granted.

Do i believe each and every word I have typed yeah I do.

there really isnt much more anyone and including yourself that could run me down.

We may have been selfish, f*ck ok, I WAS selfish, the most selfish person I have ever known in all history but you know what?

Regardless of what anyone whether on this forum or in real life says it aint all thats there.

I am a new man and roses should be sprinkled where I walk? Hell no!

again, I acknowledge my shortcomings, Hell i cant even say that, my big, huge, life changing f*ck-ups.

Its time to move on from this. Is it all lies, well to be blantantly honest, I really could care less what anyone else thinks abotu that issue. For me its enough, and thats all that shoudl matter.

Posts like these, do me more good than harm. Do I want to keep getting them? If they have a point, but its getting to the point where its just flogging the same dead horse. and the thing is, i aint watching people do it anymore. The only good thing it makes happen is drive me on to make the right changes, the right steps to make.

 

As Dr Phil says, I can only be honest with myself first, all else can wait till then. I need to find me.

 

take a ticket ... nicest way possible !

[ilmw]

I figured you would get some posts that would be blasting you...

 

There are alot of hurt people on here... and when they read some stuff that others have done to each other... I guess it hits a nerve...

 

Its good to that you are listening to both the positive and the negative sides to it as well... perspective.. other peoples that is.. is and can be insightful...

 

I am not impressed with anyone who cheats on their spouse... especially those with kiddies... My dad did it to my mom... and at age 8.. I made a promise to myself... I would neve hurt my wife and kids by doing the same... well I never did cheat on my wife...but alas... things still went to S#it. I'm no saint... you know.. you have read my posts... BUT

 

On saying this... the fact that you recognise what you have done... and are truly willing to make the changes... having realistically thought about it.... "Can I... Will I.. do this..." Its like quiting smoking... you realy have to want to...or you won't...

 

As what has been said before... it may be too late for your relationship.. who knows realy... but if you want something... and it realy has meaning to you... it is worth fighting for... if you lose... you will lose with honour..... because you tried... BUT... (and there is that but again)

 

You will have changed your attitude and way of thinking.... you will like you... and that is something....

 

How many people can truly say they like themselves/love themselves...eh?

 

It would be a reward in itself;)

 

BTW... yeah... send some of that sun shine this way... they are calling for snow... in the near future... (friggen Polar vortex's and the like)

 

PS... my son likes the Wiggles... do you know them.... :lmao: ...just kidding;)

ilmw

[dgiirl]

Like ilmw, i'm very impressed that you are willing to look at all sides, hear the pain and negative things people have to say, and keep growing from it. The only way to fix a problem is to be able to understand it, and the only way to understand it is to be able to see all the good and bad about it. It shows a lot of character to admit that you f*cked up, take the beatings that come with it, and then say "ok, now how do i fix it", instead of just trying to deflect the heat onto someone else.

 

Like I said in the beginning, first time, it was a mistake. Second time, it's not a mistake anymore. You really have to ask yourself why you cheated.

 

I believe there are two types of cheaters, the one time offenders, and the serial offenders. The one time cheater usually finds themselfs in a really vulnerable place, they are lost in their relationship, they are just trying to hold everything together, but are slowly losing themselves. Then a new friend comes into the picture and the vulnerable person starts to have all these butterfly feelings and starts to feel alive again. They become confused and caught up in the heat of the moment and find themselves doing something they should not have. They dont usually think about the consequences and do not realize how much pain they are really causing. However, once the faithful partner finds out, and all the pain comes out, then they realize just exactly what they did. The serial offenders are the ones who keep looking for that high, even tho they know how much pain they've already caused, and do not seem to care anymore.

 

So you really need to ask yourself, what was missing in your relationship that made you cheat. Nothing justifies you cheating, but understand what state you were in, understanding how an "innocent" friendship can lead one thing to another, understanding the feelings you felt, will help you prevent the situation from ever happening again.

 

I cheated once on my LDR bf. I was young and stupid and kissed another guy. And although I caused a lot of pain to myself and my bf, I learned quiet a lot from that experience. I'm able to recognize the warning signs. I'm able to recongize that when i'm flattered from a "friends" attention, that I cannot handle that situation. I know that doing x, although very innocent on it's own, could possibly lead to y and z, so I prevent x from even happening, even tho it's really innocent. And until you recognize the triggers, truely admit how much pain you caused your spouse, and truely get it, and really commit to never allowing that to happen again, not only for the faithful spouse, but also because you, yourself, cannot live with yourself inflicting so much pain on another human being, let alone someone you claim to love, she'll never ever be able to trust you. Noone will!

 

Remember, it's not just your wife you've affected. You've also affected every future relationship you will now have. Any potential mate will look at your past and will question whether you will cheat again. History tends to repeat itself until you learn the lesson you needed to learn.

[FlyingHigh]

OK, Do3,

 

I'm up to date w/your thread. While I admire you tenacity in doing so much to improve yourself in order to win your wife back, maybe what you need to do is switch gear.

 

The decision is in your wife's court. You can sign up for every book club on self improvement or marriage recovery, but the decision to want you back is up to her. Let me give you some insight of what your wife is going through.

 

My xWH2B is doing the same thing you are doing....trying, tho less conspicous than you. Seperated since 9/11/06, and filed for divorce, and he comes over to drop something or pick up his mail once or every two weeks. I see a man I no longer know. I can't look him in the eye long enough. I feel tensed before and more so during. His presence brings a rush of negative feelings and memories. Nothing good or pleasant. Sometimes, wishful thinking. Nevertheless, strange and awkward. No talks about us or our marriage, just idle chit chat about the house, dog, family updates.

 

He mentions he bought some relationship tape online. His voices shakes a little with regrets, reflecting what he didn't do and shouldn've done in our marriage/relationship. A rush of anger and pain hits. I'm thinking WTF? But I remain calm. I think silently, he's lying again with his smooth talking. He comes across sincere. I read his body language which I have to rely on to be more truthful than his words. I see his sincere talking way as another ploy. I stopped believing him after the "second chance". What he says no longer counts. What he does is always scrutinized with doubts. At the end of the day, I no longer care what he says or do because to me he no longer is a man of credibility nor the man I loved.

 

The smile of pride I used to have for him died. While you can't just turn off the switch of "care", yes there is still a part of me that cares. BUT, so much damage has been done with his continued lying and cheating that I don't have it in me to allow him in my life ever again. It died. I made that decision on 9/11. In short, I have emotionally and mentally walked away to preserve what was left that he did not destroy so that I can rebuilt me.

 

So while you are trying to figure out yourself and grow from this life lesson, your wife is rebuilding herself without you in it.

 

Your gear is to keep growing for yourself. And if she comes around, you will be be prepared to implement all that you are learning.

 

It's a wonder how most people are more afraid of the IRS than the fear of risking losing everything, spouse, family, finances, job, reputation, not to mention a possible life sentence from STDs which they can infect themselves and their innocent spouse in their decision to have an affair....just food for thought.

 

Life has a way of teaching us that if we refuse to learn the first time, it will keep throwing the same lesson back at us until we get it right. Perhaps, this is one your life lessons to bear. We all have them. Trying not to be preachy here. But, I think a lot of times people forget or choose to look the other way because they get so self absorbed with themselves that they carelessly throw the people who should have mattered the most in the first place to the back burner just to satisfy their own selfish needs.

 

The one postive lesson it seems is that this experience has taught you the value of what you always had and will treasure it even more if you ever get the chance to have it again.

 

Good luck.

[Dad_of_3]

I figured you would get some posts that would be blasting you...

 

There are alot of hurt people on here... and when they read some stuff that others have done to each other... I guess it hits a nerve...

 

Its good to that you are listening to both the positive and the negative sides to it as well... perspective.. other peoples that is.. is and can be insightful...

 

I am not impressed with anyone who cheats on their spouse... especially those with kiddies... My dad did it to my mom... and at age 8.. I made a promise to myself... I would neve hurt my wife and kids by doing the same... well I never did cheat on my wife...but alas... things still went to S#it. I'm no saint... you know.. you have read my posts... BUT

 

On saying this... the fact that you recognise what you have done... and are truly willing to make the changes... having realistically thought about it.... "Can I... Will I.. do this..." Its like quiting smoking... you realy have to want to...or you won't...

 

As what has been said before... it may be too late for your relationship.. who knows realy... but if you want something... and it realy has meaning to you... it is worth fighting for... if you lose... you will lose with honour..... because you tried... BUT... (and there is that but again)

 

You will have changed your attitude and way of thinking.... you will like you... and that is something....

 

How many people can truly say they like themselves/love themselves...eh?

 

It would be a reward in itself;)

 

BTW... yeah... send some of that sun shine this way... they are calling for snow... in the near future... (friggen Polar vortex's and the like)

 

PS... my son likes the Wiggles... do you know them.... :lmao: ...just kidding;)

ilmw

 

It was always inevitable, i can live with that.

rough and jaggy, i can live with it.

No one knows the life story of anyone, what they went through. If I started from point a in my life to point b ... we would all be here for a very long time.

I dont need to justify myself to anyone unless I choose to.

right here since I joined these forums, I have opened myself, as much as I can humanly can.

You ask a question, i will try and answer it to the best of my ability. I have nothing to hide anymore, I cant say this enough, I AM DONE RUNNING AWAY !

Thank you for your encouragement, even amongst strangers, it is a comfort.

My changes seem to have come into question, and thats ok, I would expect peoples opinions.

The changes I make for my loved ones, and yes that does include my separated partner. I truly understand that at the end of the day, its all lost and and gone now.

But for the love of god, I cant change whats in my heart. Its there, the more people say dont get your hopes up, setting yourself up to get hurt when it doesnt happen. Its still in my heart, doesnt mean i dont hear what people are saying to me. It just is, as much as the time IF the time for divorce gets filed.

I cant obsess over these things anymore. Doesnt mean I dont think about these things, it means I WILL NOT let it comsume me.'

 

As I work through this, I need to discover me. I truly believe even before I started reading up on anything, I lost me when I first found out my partner was pregnant with our first. I was 19 at the time.

I havent known me for a long time, I saw glimpses of him throughout the years, but i truly believe he's pushing to get out. I cant wait for him to get out.

 

My condolenses on the weather though. I'm sending over sunshine as we speak !

 

As for the wiggles ... know them like the back of my hand. "Hot potato, Hot potato ... cold spagetti, cold spagetti"

 

*cue the hook to pull me off stage

[Dad_of_3]

Like ilmw, i'm very impressed that you are willing to look at all sides, hear the pain and negative things people have to say, and keep growing from it. The only way to fix a problem is to be able to understand it, and the only way to understand it is to be able to see all the good and bad about it. It shows a lot of character to admit that you f*cked up, take the beatings that come with it, and then say "ok, now how do i fix it", instead of just trying to deflect the heat onto someone else.

 

Like I said in the beginning, first time, it was a mistake. Second time, it's not a mistake anymore. You really have to ask yourself why you cheated.

 

I believe there are two types of cheaters, the one time offenders, and the serial offenders. The one time cheater usually finds themselfs in a really vulnerable place, they are lost in their relationship, they are just trying to hold everything together, but are slowly losing themselves. Then a new friend comes into the picture and the vulnerable person starts to have all these butterfly feelings and starts to feel alive again. They become confused and caught up in the heat of the moment and find themselves doing something they should not have. They dont usually think about the consequences and do not realize how much pain they are really causing. However, once the faithful partner finds out, and all the pain comes out, then they realize just exactly what they did. The serial offenders are the ones who keep looking for that high, even tho they know how much pain they've already caused, and do not seem to care anymore.

 

So you really need to ask yourself, what was missing in your relationship that made you cheat. Nothing justifies you cheating, but understand what state you were in, understanding how an "innocent" friendship can lead one thing to another, understanding the feelings you felt, will help you prevent the situation from ever happening again.

 

I cheated once on my LDR bf. I was young and stupid and kissed another guy. And although I caused a lot of pain to myself and my bf, I learned quiet a lot from that experience. I'm able to recognize the warning signs. I'm able to recongize that when i'm flattered from a "friends" attention, that I cannot handle that situation. I know that doing x, although very innocent on it's own, could possibly lead to y and z, so I prevent x from even happening, even tho it's really innocent. And until you recognize the triggers, truely admit how much pain you caused your spouse, and truely get it, and really commit to never allowing that to happen again, not only for the faithful spouse, but also because you, yourself, cannot live with yourself inflicting so much pain on another human being, let alone someone you claim to love, she'll never ever be able to trust you. Noone will!

 

Remember, it's not just your wife you've affected. You've also affected every future relationship you will now have. Any potential mate will look at your past and will question whether you will cheat again. History tends to repeat itself until you learn the lesson you needed to learn.

 

 

dgiirl, thanks for another really brillant post.

Out of that I see one question screaming out at me !

That is screaming to get answered, that I maybe never thought so much about.

How did the ínnocent' friendship become what happened. When that attention was shown, what was it I was feeling.

You hit a nerve without realising it. The first affair was with someone I had come to consider a close friend even only at work.

We both started at the same time, in the same position, bloody hell, we even sat next to each other in the office before i was promoted.

The other one started working there and started just normal chatting and then I made the CHOICE to take it further.

 

I really am going to have a think about that one. Plus with this knowledge, what could I have been thinking at the time, not what I would like to change, cause I cant.

 

I'll get back to that one dgiirl.

Thanks for the hand

[ilmw]

My condolenses on the weather though. I'm sending over sunshine as we speak !

 

As for the wiggles ... know them like the back of my hand. "Hot potato, Hot potato ... cold spagetti, cold spagetti"

 

*cue the hook to pull me off stage

 

:lmao: :lmao: ..you know them personaly...awsome... can you get me their autographs... :lmao:

 

Thanks for the weather.. just looked out the window... and hay the sun is shinning.. but not like it is down under I'm sure:p

 

On a more adult note...

 

Allot of what you said in your last post reminded me of how I felt at times... and, I too think I changed when my son was born.... I think it was an overwhelming sence of responsibilty... that I had no knowledge of how to handel... as my dear old dad buggered off when i was 8. Now that you mentioned it... another piece of the puzzle is revealed.... I guess I had to hear it from someone else again... I guess inside I had to realy, realy realy grow the hell up... and well is seems like the weight of it just went on top of the pile of all the other crap I let build up...

 

another...Hmmmmmmmm;)

[Gunny376]

We can sit here all day, "could of, should of, would of" but when it comes down to it ~ and all is said and done ~ its not so much a matter of what you did or didn't do ~ what you should of done ~ could of done ~ would have done (hindsight is 20/20) but what really matters is what are you going to do about it today? How are you going to deal with it today?

[Dad_of_3]

Flyinghigh, reading your post, has just about welled up tears in my eyes.

god, I know thats what is going on within my separated partner.

Most of it is the same. God I can see her face, the way she reacts when we see each other. The tone in her voice when we talk about whats happening.

The small chit chat, the talk of kids, property asnd money.

I'm hurting right now. You didnt hurt me, just the visualisation and the 'realness' of your words.

 

I hear you, as much as everyone giving their voices to push on for self-care and devleopment.

I look to the future, the person and man I will be. Its for me, but its also for my loved ones. Even the ones lost and maybe gone for good.

 

Thank you for your post.

[FlyingHigh]

Flyinghigh, reading your post, has just about welled up tears in my eyes.

god, I know thats what is going on within my separated partner.

Most of it is the same. God I can see her face, the way she reacts when we see each other. The tone in her voice when we talk about whats happening.

The small chit chat, the talk of kids, property asnd money.

I'm hurting right now. You didnt hurt me, just the visualisation and the 'realness' of your words.

 

I hear you, as much as everyone giving their voices to push on for self-care and devleopment.

I look to the future, the person and man I will be. Its for me, but its also for my loved ones. Even the ones lost and maybe gone for good.

 

Thank you for your post.

Your wife is hurting much more than you can ever imagine. There are no words to explain the pain of betrayal, humility, broken dreams and uncertain future. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Your wife has her own life lessons to bear. The grieving process can be lengthy. Death of a marriage is even tougher than the death of a loved one. The emotional damage of trust leaves deeper wounds than any cheating spouse can ever imagine. The recovery pain can be painfully long that sometimes it affects their ability or willingness to give themselves openly, fully and be trusting to another person in a new relationship. It causes them to question their ability to love and be loved again. It destroys their self image and confidence. They are forced to learn how to deal with their feelings of anger, resentment and hatred. With faith, strength and support they eventually recover. But there are betrayed spouses who many never "truly" recover. Then there are the children who are impacted emotionally. And many of them, like their divorced parents, carry the same emotional scars and never "truly" recover. THESE are the ugly scenes of what infidelity does to the human soul and spirit.

 

If anyone who is reading this and on the verge of cheating on their significant other, look beyond of what you are about to do. Just imagine of the aftermath...that's all you need to do.

 

So Dof3, keep doing what you need to do. Consider this a "crash course" in life, as a person, a man, a father, and as a human being. You're not alone. There are still many who won't own up to their responsbilities for the choices they have made because it comes down to simply having the sense of entitlement. You have. You can't go any lower than where you've already been. By some chance, one day, your wife may look at you in a "renewed" and different light. If this happens, you'll know what to do.

[ilmw]

it comes down to simply having the sense of entitlement. .

 

That is something I was trying to define...but could not put my finger on..Thx FlyingHigh..

 

Good post BTW.. even if I totally deleted it all in your quote:p

 

Its been a good day for enlightenment for all:)

 

I've gotten 3 today alone... keep this up and I will transend in no time at all... :lmao:

 

ilmw

[Dad_of_3]

How do I say this ...

 

Its been a tough weekend, I look back over and I think WTF !

It was crazy and way out of left field, I am going to need time to recover from this.

Had a big fight, police where called in.

No I wasnt violent or anything, I was just over emotional and lost.

Hell I lost it again, but the funny thing, how I viewed the whole chain of events of today.

I feel like I have some closure on what is happening.

 

This chapter in my life is done.

 

I'll post more about it later, but I feel so drained right now.

[Sup]

OK, what's going on?

[Dad_of_3]

Where do I begin …

 

Ok well I agreed to look after my youngest at home as that’s where all his things are. Its much easier looking after the children as its there home, its child proof and I know where he is at all times.

I’m still in the process of making my parents place more kids friendly. That is until I get my own place. Yes, I am one of those who have had to move back to their parents place.

What she was going on was a group event with her new found friends and the man she is seeing. I took care of my daughter and took her to dancing prior to her picking my daughter up as well and taking her down to the event.

My son also had his soccer presentation the same day. We agreed to meet there. When I got there, I made a deliberate and conscious decision not to sit with her, It was not in spite or anger or anything of that nature. I guess I am done pretending to the world that my life is ok and fine.

She came over and told me to go sit with the kids I help coach. Now cause I got there a little late I was fine sitting where I was till the team got called up. I didn’t want to make a scene or anything, but she was pushing for me to go and it really hit a nerve. I didn’t loose my cool, I just put it simply that I was ok where I was.

So we went and sat with the other parents. As I had my daughter and my youngest on my lap, I was ok.

When it came time to go up with the kids, she came and got my kids so I could go receive the awards with the team. I am sooo proud of my son. He looked like a million dollars with his trophies.

Afterwards came time to get our presents from the team. It was sensational as I got a awesome jacket for next year. Afterwards she took off home and rang me to meet her there.

When I got back to our home, I helped her pack up for her event. Trying to do the right things to help her along and be as nice as possible.

We didn’t say much but I could see that there was something on her mind. I asked, she declined and I didn’t push it.

She left and I was left to my own devices with my baby boy. He makes me laugh so much, I don’t know what I’d do without him. When it came time for his nap, I was by myself and yes like the title of my thread, going through hell.

Here I am thinking to myself, getting into that state of, Where is she? Who is she with? Its that guy she seeing! He’s down there, with my family!

I was able to only distract myself with guitar playing and reading so much. I wasn’t in a good state. I know I was the only one who put myself there.

Thank god, I had a friend come over to have dinner and watch the football on tele. We talked somewhat but he isn’t as close a friend as I allow.

When it came time for him to leave, I was panicking, thinking I was going back into that place again when I am by myself. Talk about insecure.

I played music, I played my guitar, I read more. I eventually fell asleep crying in my old bed I used to share with my stbxw.

[Dad_of_3]

When morning came, it was strange waking up in a bed that felt like yesterday. I spent the next few hours entertaining my son and cleaning up the house. Washing up, doing laundry, making all the beds. Just trying to help out and do things that I want to do.

She came home and immediately went, you know what I am really tired, I have had like 2 hours sleep, I need a nap. I offered to take the kids out for some ice cream and lunch so they would be out of her hair and she could get some sleep.

As I was getting ready, I went into where she was sleeping and just wanted to clarify some things in regards to what I had planned for myself.

We started talking as normal, she was saying how she wanted to go to the gym later. I was taken a bit back, cause the thing is, I have spent my own weekend not for myself, but trying to make things easier for her and the kids.

Whether it was the right time or not, I let her know that I need some structure in whats happening. Yes its great that I get to see the kids whenever I want and I get them every weekend at this stage, but I need some me time to sort myself out. To figure out what it is I am going through.

She brought up what happened at my sons presentation, she said how I came across cold and making a scene about the whole issue. I calmly stated that I was sorry if that’s how it came across but I cant pretend anymore that my life is ok. We are not together and sitting together would be giving the wrong impression to everyone whther we knew them or not. It would give the wrong ideas to the kids.

We haven’t even told the kids what is going, they still are limbo. They know something is seriously wrong with mum and dad and that’s about it.

I let her know that I am surviving and I cant pretend anymore. It hurts too damn much.

She went on to say that if we are supposed to be friends and ok with each other. Thing is I cant. I cant at the moment be ok with whats going on, I’m hurting and I do need time to heal. I am messed up big time. Regardless what anyone says about what I have done, I’m only human and yeah I do hurt.

I apologised that I couldn’t be stronger to do this, but I am dying each and every time I see her. I need to fix myself up first and that requires some time for me. If its selfish, I know I will have to cop it on the chin. Don’t get me wrong, in the back of my mind, I know its like, hang on I take care of my children on the weekend and she can go out and hell even spend time with this guy. What the hell am I doing?

I’m not saying this so that I now can go out and pick up lots of women and just party it up. I truly feel I need me time to fix issues and get myself right.

She brought up that I was shirking my responsibility of being a father, that she needed a break too from the week with them. That its been hard having them and doing it by herself and she needs to get away from them once in awhile. I have been doing that, but I cant anymore, I’m not strong enough to do it at this stage.

She blasted me, saying how she has been making all the effort and being flexible with the kids when she didn’t have to. I can remember one thing that was said, that still stings right now. She owes me nothing, I owe her everything.

She asked what it was that I wanted then.

I let her know maybe rotating on a fortnight basis, I would pick the kids up on Friday or Saturday, her choice and then drop them back when it suited her.

She started saying how it would inconvience the kids with there swimming on Fridays and I am messing them up. Ok, I will pick them up after swimming. She says, by then its too late for them, its there bedtime. I’m trying my hardest to work with it here; I am not trying to be difficult.

I let her know that looking after the kids on a Monday is having a toll on me. It needs to change, I don’t know how, but something’s got to, cause I feel myself cracking. Now before I had gotten there early so I could see her, have a coffee and a chat. Maybe if I got there just before she left, so we could minimise that contact. I was just making suggestions, I’m only trying to protect myself in this messed up situation.

I dotn even remember half of it, but it just spiralled from there. She cried, was upset, angry, sad. I cried, I just wanted to make things better, I felt like I had messed up again. I just wanted to hold her, reassure her, tell her everything would be ok.

She wouldn’t let me, she wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I desperately wanted her to be ok. I eventually walked out of the room, it was driving me insane.

When she came out, she looked worse for wear. The kids where in there room as I had decided I needed to get out of here, away from this. I didn’t want to fight or yell anymore, I was done. I said good bye to the kids and as I was leaving, she makes a remark, STUPID ME, I bought into it.

It spiraled again, the crying, her yelling. I just didn’t understand what it was she wanted from me. I did a stupid thing, I grabbed her mobile phone and checked her messages she received. I got a shock of my life.

Here is this guy, telling her he loves her. And the messed up part, she was telling him how he can keep telling her that and she loves him to.

I know I crossed a boundary there, privacy and what not. I mean it was how I found out what was happening the first time.

I just needed one questioned answered then. It was a simple question, did she love him?

I have never said I love you to anyone other than my wife in my life. Not even in the mist of the affairs did I even consider it. I’m not saying oh well kudo’s to me for that, but damn it that’s what hurt more than anything else.

She was saying this wasn’t the time, the kids didn’t know what was going on and it was supposed to take time. I was at the stage where I wanted the kids to know what was happening with there mum and dad. I knew in my heart, when I read those messages and when she refused to give me an answer, it is finally over.

I wanted to tell the kids that although mum and dad aren’t together anymore and they wont be together anymore, it wasn’t their fault. I mean, they would have heard enough. I believe she thought I was going to tell them about this new guy, I wasn’t going to say a word about that. Even when I am upset I am not going to unnecessarily distress my children any further.

She threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave, I just wanted to talk to my children. I did the stupid things, I pulled the phone out of the wall, I took her mobile. I look back now, I should have just let her call them or at least just left. I JUST WANTED TO LET MY KIDS KNOW THAT THERE DAD WAS OK.

After I spoke to them, I gave her the phones, still trying to reason with her. She called the police and I just asked her one last time, is it true? Do you love him?

We still wouldn’t answer, I don’t think she had to anymore.

I walked out the door and waited for the police to arrive.

Before the police arrived, I still wanted to speak to my children. She refused.

I explained to her that I wanted them to know that Dad was in control and ok. She finally agreed, but made them talk to me through a window, god I felt like, you guessed it, a criminal. I couldn’t hold them, I couldn’t hug them. Funny thing is, if I wanted to go in the house I would have, I still have my set of keys.

I asked my kids to come and out, which they did after some hesitation cause of there mum. I hugged them, I kissed them and let them know I loved them.

They had just gone in when the police arrived. One officer went in, while one came out.

He asked what was going on, I explained, everything, I’m at the point where I have nothing to hide anymore. I would never in a million years strike a woman. Especially someone I loved so much.

In any case, the police explained that I would not be allowed there unless she specifies I can be. I left there, there was nothing left.

I rang a friend and he talked me through it. Even talking to my friend, I was still trying to defend her and what happened.

I’ve tried and tried and tried. Making me, my stbxw and pretty much everyone else happy. I'm done.

 

Regardless of how it came about, I know now its over. I got what I needed to know.

Whether it was me trying to still protect her, as I think this relationship is too fast or early. Or me still incredibly in love with her. I have closure that it is over.

Its all about my kids, me and my future.

 

I still hurt and I think I always will, but I feel a piece finally floating away from my being. I’m not ok, I’m surviving.

[Dad_of_3]

1 Last thing I guess ...

 

My feelings haveent changed, my focus hasnt changed, my goals havent changed.

 

Just I get a new persepective on things in life. A new outlook on life.

 

I pray and I pray for my strength when I fall.