Going through hell....

[behonest63]

This is a typical man problem as far as I am concerned, again its so similar to me and when I found all my wifes stuff and her guys, it hurts but you knew in your heart something was up..you just needed more proof and you couldnt come to terms, my wifes boyfriend left her after all the problems of her cropped up and the good sex was over I guess, and what most people dont realize after long relationships is the first guy to talk nice to them and give them what you havent in a while is the greatest and they force there selves to say they love them for there own needs, especially when the guy that is stealing your womens emotions says he loves her and wants her to love him..i think guys say i love you too easy..she isnt right either..but you should learn to control those emotions if you can and do the right thing, in time if she is really wrong or if she feels guility or finally learns that grass isnt always greener she may come back or get better, not sure. This is pretty typical I think and you should just watch them if you can when she ask and go with the flow, dont kiss your butt, but you know just do it and dont make waves, who cares where she is going and what she is doing you are there to spend time with the kids, act like you dont care about anything but the kids..dont ask her anything and if she offers shrug it off and say okie dokie just here to take care of our kids etc etc, easier said than done, weird things happen, go look at my latest post, my wife appears to be changing now that she cant even pay her own rent and her boyfriends dont care, as I am paying it. It shouldnt be that way, but both men and women sometimes have to experience things separately to realize what you may already be trying to tell them. Like if you think your good for her and you can do better but someone new you cant compete with, just let it go, its hard but I know cause I am doing and going thru the same thing, only difference is my 19 year old lives with me and my 24 year old lives right next to my wife. I dont really have the same responsibilites as you. Hope your doing better now Dad3 and I understand exactly what went on and as far as I am concerned I dont think you have anything to be ashamed of, you did what you did cause you still love her so much and cant get over her and she knows that, but she has a man in her life and thats why its easier on her than you...trust me I have seen it in my situation...What we need is a new girlfriend and I gurantee that will fix it...Donald

[Dad_of_3]

Thanks for the well wishes Don.

 

I’m doing ok today. Like I said, I’ve got some closure on what has happened.

I feel lighter for it, better for it.

Am I pissed, angry, upset? No not really, I don’t want to waste my time on those feelings. Its a waste of my energy and does put me off focus.

I just keep repeating to myself now, I have closure, I can move on.

 

I got that firm belief of what you put out, you get back in return.

I got a lot of important things to take care of now, and I need to start now.

As for my stbxw, well, she knows how I feel, she maybe blinded by her anger, hate and resentment from seeing it. I know she is still hurting as well, scared, frightened and definitely running away. I cant change that anymore.

She finds happiness with this new guy, I’m happy for her. I truly do hope it works out. Even if it doesn’t, she’s not my responsibility anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I will be more alert now, wary.

If in the future, there is something, I will be different, changed for the better. Comfortable within myself with many of the questions answered

I’m looking forward to the future.

My friend that I spoke to yesterday has helped me back on the right path, I can never thank him enough for what he has helped me with through these last couple of weeks.

 

He asked me to write down on a piece of paper 50 things I want to accomplish or do before I die. God, even today I am still stuck at 31.

These things are only intrinsically for me, no one else. I’m stuck.

 

As for a girlfriend. I don’t think that’s the right idea. I know a part of me is like, yeah well I will find someone better and she'll complete the picture.

 

Truth be told, I know I’m not ready for that. I need to find me. I need to sort out me. Cause at the end of all this, I will be happier being me.

She may have moved on, but has not resolved anything as far as I can see.

And you know what everyone on here has been saying, you gotta sort it out or things are destined to happen again.

I make the choice not to have it happen again, I don’t want to fall/ fail like that. I refuse too … stubbornly.

For it to happen, my focus, my determination is on me. I am hurting so bad, so much but I am not going to buy into it.

If there is a girlfriend in the future, then I’m worth sorting out and waiting for.

 

My new theme song :-)

 

Overdrive Bachman-Turner Lyrics - Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

 

 

Now time to get back to my guitar and Dr Phil

 

Will update as I go ...

[LakesideDream]

Pretty serious stuff.. yelling and posturing, grabbing phones to make your wife helpless. That's about as clear as threats get. In many jurisdictions in the U.S.A. that act alone is a felony.

 

As I suspected your wife HAS moved on. Women often have "back up plans" waiting in the wings. I suppose men do too. Time to begin the new phase of your live.. being a Dad to 3 kids, who isn't emotionally linked to their mother.

 

BTW, I was dissapointed by your revelation that you moved back in with "mommie". Kinda puts all your blather about "growing as a man" becoming "Dr. Phil" aware, and improving yourself at the gym and with your guitar lessons into perspective.

 

I have never seen the women on this board manipulated as handily as you have managed to. Congratulations.

 

Now Grow a Pair.

[FlyingHigh]

I JUST WANTED TO LET MY KIDS KNOW THAT THERE DAD WAS OK.

This isn't a man or father who is OK or as you put it "in control". As a betrayed spouse (formerly "TheWife"), I could easily tell you "you deserve what you got", but I won't. IT's unfortunate that your kids had to witness it. This will have a long lasting impact on them.

 

I’m doing ok today. Like I said, I’ve got some closure on what has happened.

I feel lighter for it, better for it.

Am I pissed, angry, upset? No not really, I don’t want to waste my time on those feelings. Its a waste of my energy and does put me off focus.

I just keep repeating to myself now, I have closure, I can move on.

Your "closure" was not created by the spirilng event that took place. Rather it was YOUR discovery of her "new" found relationship because it relieved some of your own guilt from your affairs. It may even give you back a new sense of entitlement in which you now no longer see the need to keep trying. To you, you think that you and your wife are now on an even keel. Be cautious with this thought because it gives the cheating spouse a false sense of empowerment. Comparing what you did and what she did is pointless and immature. You cheated. You left. She simply moved on.

 

Accept that some betrayed spouse will do what your wife (STBXW) has done which is to jump into a new relationship without resolving the old. It's their way of coping with loneliness, feeling abondoned and rejected by their cheating spouse. It fills whatever void they feel and validates their sense of attractiveness. It's a temporary fix, rarely a long-term solution.

 

Re-read what you have just posted. There is a lot of "I". Rarely did you mention what you need to do to reconnect with your kids. You haven't even begun to consider what that event has done to them. One moment they're celebrating after a game, the next minute, their father is being escorted by cops to leave. Put yourself in their shoes or in your XW's. Maybe, you might be able to put your self interest on the side just for a little bit and grasp the reality of what happend. Maybe it's too soon to figure it out with your anger and hurt. But you seem to have the answers on what you need to do for yourself.

 

What happened with the cops will be a very difficult thing to undo or erase from your childrens' memory. If you haven't already done so, you owe them an apology as much as you owe your STBXW an apology. Whether or not it was right for her to start dating, only she can decide. And if she did not tell the kids of this new guy which is commendable and respectful act towards the kids, you just now compounded the problem. Your kids did not need to be dragged into this. A cheating parent may choose to conceal their behaviour from their kids, but they already know. And if they don't, they will eventually know.

 

But this is the first step, an apology. You have to do it if you want to reconnect with you kids. Put your self interest aside. This is the "fatherly" thing to do. And if they already know that you cheated on their mother, it is your responsibility as much as your wife's, to teach them the wrongness of it. If you conceal this life lesson from them, they will repeat what you have done to their future spouses. After all, children learn by examples.

[Dad_of_3]

Pretty serious stuff.. yelling and posturing, grabbing phones to make your wife helpless. That's about as clear as threats get. In many jurisdictions in the U.S.A. that act alone is a felony.

 

As I suspected your wife HAS moved on. Women often have "back up plans" waiting in the wings. I suppose men do too. Time to begin the new phase of your live.. being a Dad to 3 kids, who isn't emotionally linked to their mother.

 

BTW, I was dissapointed by your revelation that you moved back in with "mommie". Kinda puts all your blather about "growing as a man" becoming "Dr. Phil" aware, and improving yourself at the gym and with your guitar lessons into perspective.

 

I have never seen the women on this board manipulated as handily as you have managed to. Congratulations.

 

Now Grow a Pair.

 

 

Hmmm ... as again, thanks for the post.

Not as constructive as I thought it would be, but thanks all the same.

 

Its all got to start somewhere.

You dont know me, and I guess that is where your assumptions and pandering will come from.

Thank you for you candour though.

[behonest63]

There is a nice way to put things and BS way to put things and some people just want to drive a stake deeper, these are the same people that lie to themselves and try to cling to others misfortunes to make themselves feel better, we are all human have emotions and are not perfect.

 

I fully understand what you are going thru and what you have done. We all do similar things just the color may be different. Wrong is Wrong.

 

Is it okay to steal a piece of bubblegum vs a plasma tv.

 

This is how people try to justify there own shortcomings.

 

Bottomline, I know your a good person and you love her so much and NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE knows how they will handle the same situation until it happens. So yes constructive is one thing but trying to bring people down further with a mean spin IS JUST WRONG PERIOD! I am a good person but it comes a time when I have to speak up and tell someone they are a jerk no matter what my situation, and this is the case.

 

Your Friend Donald

[ilmw]

Hmmm ... as again, thanks for the post.

Not as constructive as I thought it would be, but thanks all the same.

 

Its all got to start somewhere.

You dont know me, and I guess that is where your assumptions and pandering will come from.

Thank you for you candour though.

 

Just read about your weekend.....

 

What can I say...but... Jezz man you realy screwed up!

 

No.... I cannot say what I would do in your situation... so I am not going to preach....

 

But.... you are lucky you do not live in Ontario Canada...cause you would have had your but thrown in the clink... for what happened... Do3... you lost it there mister.... not good...

 

I have arrested people for doing what you did..... and it all came down to a loss of control.... cause they were not in control... The phone thing is a tell tell sign... pretty common thing... happens allot.

 

I am not even going to try and understand... the anger you felt.... am not in the same boat... and are situations are different... although we are both seperated from our wives... they are for different reasons....

 

I was in my last LTR cheated on... I got angry.. she treated me like crap... and cheated on me more than once... which I found out after the fact... I did not lose it... I just walked away from her...

 

I did not have the knowledge... I have today.. but I did know.... not to show anger the way you did....

 

If you wanted closure with your wife... I think you may have just gotten it... You probably scared the crap out of her and the kids too....

 

If you are just stewing cause of what you found on her cell phone.... and you are just negativily venting.... You might want to step way back from this... and sort your self out....get your emotions in check... then apologise to the kids and your wife... but you better mean it... k

 

As for some of recent posts to your weekend events... I can understand the hostility that may have come out... Bud... you kinda were saying one thing on here... and then you acted in a different way there.... it was not love you were showing but... an act of wanting your way.... Its a natural reaction... but it does not make it the right one...

 

Think about it...

 

Hope your doing better now... k

ilmw

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm.... holding a man to his word, is not constructive. Your missives on last weekends activities revealed your personality very well.

 

I don't get all the flowery rhetoric, even your screen name, Dad of 3. When the going gets tough, you turn into a raging bully, threatening, and posturing like a madman.. and expect sympathy.

 

Most of the people and posters here are here because they have felt adversity. Some a doers, some as victims. All return to share experiances, or just to confirm that they are not alone. Seldom has a poster like you came aboard who talked one thing and did another so openly.

 

Work on yourself Dad... and leave your soon to be ex wife alone for awhile. Get in control of your emotions before opening dialog again. Your children deserve much better. Your ex probably deserves better. Maybe even you deserve better.

 

It wouldn't hurt to get yourself an apartment somewhere (kid proof it if you like), put your guitar lessons and gym membership on hold and learn how to live on your own. The reality of responsibility and solitude may just be the nudge you need to start getting your life together.

 

No, I'm not buying your flowery banter, when you back it up with bullying and threats to the mother of your children. Shame on you.

[Dad_of_3]

This isn't a man or father who is OK or as you put it "in control". As a betrayed spouse (formerly "TheWife"), I could easily tell you "you deserve what you got", but I won't. IT's unfortunate that your kids had to witness it. This will have a long lasting impact on them.

 

 

Your "closure" was not created by the spirilng event that took place. Rather it was YOUR discovery of her "new" found relationship because it relieved some of your own guilt from your affairs. It may even give you back a new sense of entitlement in which you now no longer see the need to keep trying. To you, you think that you and your wife are now on an even keel. Be cautious with this thought because it gives the cheating spouse a false sense of empowerment. Comparing what you did and what she did is pointless and immature. You cheated. You left. She simply moved on.

 

Accept that some betrayed spouse will do what your wife (STBXW) has done which is to jump into a new relationship without resolving the old. It's their way of coping with loneliness, feeling abondoned and rejected by their cheating spouse. It fills whatever void they feel and validates their sense of attractiveness. It's a temporary fix, rarely a long-term solution.

 

Re-read what you have just posted. There is a lot of "I". Rarely did you mention what you need to do to reconnect with your kids. You haven't even begun to consider what that event has done to them. One moment they're celebrating after a game, the next minute, their father is being escorted by cops to leave. Put yourself in their shoes or in your XW's. Maybe, you might be able to put your self interest on the side just for a little bit and grasp the reality of what happend. Maybe it's too soon to figure it out with your anger and hurt. But you seem to have the answers on what you need to do for yourself.

 

What happened with the cops will be a very difficult thing to undo or erase from your childrens' memory. If you haven't already done so, you owe them an apology as much as you owe your STBXW an apology. Whether or not it was right for her to start dating, only she can decide. And if she did not tell the kids of this new guy which is commendable and respectful act towards the kids, you just now compounded the problem. Your kids did not need to be dragged into this. A cheating parent may choose to conceal their behaviour from their kids, but they already know. And if they don't, they will eventually know.

 

But this is the first step, an apology. You have to do it if you want to reconnect with you kids. Put your self interest aside. This is the "fatherly" thing to do. And if they already know that you cheated on their mother, it is your responsibility as much as your wife's, to teach them the wrongness of it. If you conceal this life lesson from them, they will repeat what you have done to their future spouses. After all, children learn by examples.

 

 

Flyinghigh, I hear ya.

I messed up bad.

 

What I was trying to get at was that it is hard for me at this stage and I do need to distance myself from the situation. For the life of me I couldn’t bring myself to walk away when I should of. It should have been way earlier before it degenerated into what happened.

I hear you I regards to how I got to look outside of myself.

My only point I was trying to get across was that it needed to change.

I didn’t want to be difficult but if we could come to some other arrangements in regards to the children.

If I picked them up instead of looking after them at home.

If we restricted time that we spent together.

My concern was that I was not functioning to the best of my ability for either the kids or her. I needed to sort things out to better function for the kids and well ultimately her. Things needed to change.

I need to distance myself from that, and yes, from further hurting my family. I need to remove myself from that.

 

Thank you for your post, you’re right. There is so much “I” at the moment, rather than kids and I. I need to focus.

 

Yes and as everyone will see, I turned into a raging lunatic, over emotional, and I agree wanting her to see how things where topsy turvy in my world.

 

I crossed that boundary, I only got myself to blame there.

I agree with what I need to do.

 

I have spoken to the kids and stbxw today.

We’ve arranged for me to see the kids while getting some ice cream and for me to explain and apologise to them.

I’ve explained to stbxw, I’d like her there as well. She suggested that I have time with them myself, but as I said I wanted her there, she has agreed.

It boils down to just the facts. I’m only going to talk about what happened on Sunday, nothing else.

Stbxw and myself have also agreed we will need some formal arrangements in regards to the kids. We have agreed that at this stage of things we cant talk about anything but the best interests of the children.

 

Thanks again for your post flyinghigh.

Will post how I go.

[Dad_of_3]

Just read about your weekend.....

 

What can I say...but... Jezz man you realy screwed up!

 

No.... I cannot say what I would do in your situation... so I am not going to preach....

 

But.... you are lucky you do not live in Ontario Canada...cause you would have had your but thrown in the clink... for what happened... Do3... you lost it there mister.... not good...

 

I have arrested people for doing what you did..... and it all came down to a loss of control.... cause they were not in control... The phone thing is a tell tell sign... pretty common thing... happens allot.

 

I am not even going to try and understand... the anger you felt.... am not in the same boat... and are situations are different... although we are both seperated from our wives... they are for different reasons....

 

I was in my last LTR cheated on... I got angry.. she treated me like crap... and cheated on me more than once... which I found out after the fact... I did not lose it... I just walked away from her...

 

I did not have the knowledge... I have today.. but I did know.... not to show anger the way you did....

 

If you wanted closure with your wife... I think you may have just gotten it... You probably scared the crap out of her and the kids too....

 

If you are just stewing cause of what you found on her cell phone.... and you are just negativily venting.... You might want to step way back from this... and sort your self out....get your emotions in check... then apologise to the kids and your wife... but you better mean it... k

 

As for some of recent posts to your weekend events... I can understand the hostility that may have come out... Bud... you kinda were saying one thing on here... and then you acted in a different way there.... it was not love you were showing but... an act of wanting your way.... Its a natural reaction... but it does not make it the right one...

 

Think about it...

 

Hope your doing better now... k

ilmw

 

Surviving still at this point.

I hear all of you, even close friends I have spoken to.

I will be apologising tonight to both stbxw and my kids.

From there I need to distance myself from her so as not to get to that stage again.

 

We’ve already spoken on meeting somewhere neutral and public to discuss kids matters and that’s it. Everything else is either on hold or water under the bridge.

If we need to talk, we will do so at a public place.

In regards to arrangements for the kids, we will be putting it down on paper for what is going to happen till next year at least and review it then.

 

I know I need to recognise the triggers for these things before I get to that stage.

Nothing can change what I have done, except on how I handle it from now.

 

I need to distance myself from her in all this.

 

 

Thanks ilmw

[Dad_of_3]

There is a nice way to put things and BS way to put things and some people just want to drive a stake deeper, these are the same people that lie to themselves and try to cling to others misfortunes to make themselves feel better, we are all human have emotions and are not perfect.

 

I fully understand what you are going thru and what you have done. We all do similar things just the color may be different. Wrong is Wrong.

 

Is it okay to steal a piece of bubblegum vs a plasma tv.

 

This is how people try to justify there own shortcomings.

 

Bottomline, I know your a good person and you love her so much and NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE knows how they will handle the same situation until it happens. So yes constructive is one thing but trying to bring people down further with a mean spin IS JUST WRONG PERIOD! I am a good person but it comes a time when I have to speak up and tell someone they are a jerk no matter what my situation, and this is the case.

 

Your Friend Donald

 

Thanks for the support Don.

 

But I also accept my failings and falls as well.

I screwed up big, whether its to make me feel worse.

I already do in any case.

 

Thank you though mate

[Dad_of_3]

Hmmm.... holding a man to his word, is not constructive. Your missives on last weekends activities revealed your personality very well.

 

I don't get all the flowery rhetoric, even your screen name, Dad of 3. When the going gets tough, you turn into a raging bully, threatening, and posturing like a madman.. and expect sympathy.

 

Most of the people and posters here are here because they have felt adversity. Some a doers, some as victims. All return to share experiances, or just to confirm that they are not alone. Seldom has a poster like you came aboard who talked one thing and did another so openly.

 

Work on yourself Dad... and leave your soon to be ex wife alone for awhile. Get in control of your emotions before opening dialog again. Your children deserve much better. Your ex probably deserves better. Maybe even you deserve better.

 

It wouldn't hurt to get yourself an apartment somewhere (kid proof it if you like), put your guitar lessons and gym membership on hold and learn how to live on your own. The reality of responsibility and solitude may just be the nudge you need to start getting your life together.

 

No, I'm not buying your flowery banter, when you back it up with bullying and threats to the mother of your children. Shame on you.

 

This I can use Lakeside !

 

I hear you in regards to getting my own place. That’s in part and parcel of trying to get back on my feet. I’ve done the sums and I need to stick to it now.

 

I’m not on here to get all the sympathy I can get. I do expect some posts like yours have been.

 

I can thank you in this post, this I can use to make things better and right.

I hope you keep posting as I continue to do so

[Gunny376]

When you get down to it, her fault, your fault, my fault ~ no-one's fault, it bloody over! It sucks! Its not bloody fun, and its not bloody pretty! Its just the **** the way it is! Mr. Reality is knocking at your door, and He's one bad Mother Trucker! He don't play and he won't be ignored! Its time! Time to get "real" about your life! Its time to either go for your life, to go for your knife, or go for your gun! Either way, its time to get "real" about your life and about living! This isn't a "play" reheresal, where you get to say, "Wait, wait........... Let start over, I screwed up! Let's start over! You get it right the first time, everytime! And, that's just how the **** it is!"

 

Either get busy living, or get busy dying! That's just the way it is! Either be part of the solution instead of part of the problem, part of the answer instead of part of the question or be gone!

[FlyingHigh]

Flyinghigh, I hear ya.

I messed up bad.

Will post how I go.

Consider this a another hard lesson. You can't afford to repeat it.

 

My only point I was trying to get across was that it needed to change.

I didn’t want to be difficult but if we could come to some other arrangements in regards to the children

You had expectations of the end result. You wanted to control the situation to meet those expectations. The problem with this is that you did not allow for flexibilities, thus the outcome.

 

Accept that you and your wife are living seperately. Without you under the same roof, your wife had to adjust her schedule to accomodate the kids daily routines. This is where you two need to TALK and agree amicably on arrangements. And if your heart is still hoping, you're going to have to chalk up your ego and let go of your rigid expectations or the need for things to change. It's not your choice for things to change especially now.

 

Discuss ONLY about the kids. Nothing more! You can't expect for anything more. Your wife, if she wanted to be vindictive, she could have easily taken a temporary restraining order against you if that's an option in Canada. But she didn't. Consider yourself lucky. Consider this as another chance to make amends with your kids. Don't screw it up! You may not get another chance!

 

I need to distance myself from her in all this.

Be careful with this. You cannot disconnect or "distance" yourself because of what happened. This is a cowardly way of not wanting to face up with what you created. Rather than expecting things to "change" according to your expectations, you need to change your approach.

 

Have you ever heard of this saying: "I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS?". Think about this for a moment. And every time you want certain things to be, think about this.

 

Your approach hasn't worked. You allowed your anger, insecurity and jealousy get the best of you. It led you to stormy waters. Unless you adjust your sails or change your approach whenever you're with your wife and kids, you will never get out of that storm. It might help to understand your wife's love language. What are they? It shouldn't be hard to take a trip down memory lane.

 

Even if you two are seperated and will divorce start showing things contrary of what you've done so far. For starters, always thank her respectfully whenever she agrees to allow/invite you to see the kids and her willing to spend time with you. The next time you see her, bring her flowers or whatever brings smile to her face. NEVER, NEVER bring the topic of her love life! Unless her relationship harms your kids' safety, you don't have the right to ask. When she's ready and feels comfortable and safe to talk about it, she will open up to you. And when she does, keep you lips and tongue under control, and just listen. Your "approach" should be that of a friend, not a jealous, ex-husband to be.

 

Remember, appreciate each time you're given a chance to see the kids. You don't need to explain WHY things happened. It's not their job to understand why Daddy went crazy. Your job as a father is to reassure them that it will never happen again and that you are there to protect them and to not fear you. Allow and reassure them it's safe to ask you questions and with discretion, be honest with them. They'll know if you're not being honest with them. This may also be something that you and your wife, if she's willing to discuss together as a "family". YES, you are all still a family!

 

Lastly, I have to agree with Lakeside that you need to find a place of your own temporarily if you can afford it. Consider a personal overhaul or makeover.

 

Good luck.

[chadnickole]

God, I've read so much on these forums and tried to find some focus in what is happening. To be honest I dont even know where to begin.]

 

 

I'm in a simular boat now and the fact of the matter is that this sucks and sucks bad. You screwed up! We all do. I screwed up my whole marraige, I've come to grips with it! Follow Gunnys post the man is full of infinate wisdom his words hold true. I applaude you for seeing a counseler.

You and you Wife started Young. She may be looking to this as a chance to explore life now (we all do that from time to time) Don't be like me and push, push push. She could be on the fence and pushing will only knock her to the opposite side! That is what I did. I'm sorry and if you truley love and respect your wife, you have learned a huge lesson. Keep it with you and never forget the feelings you have. And Please in the future if God see willing do not make the same mistakes again (She needs to see your changes, not here you telling her you've changes)

 

Man Up, Love your wife, give her space, don't fight her, stay active, and things will fall into perspective.

 

Take Care

Chad

[chadnickole]

Sorry I didn't read your whole post, take the words that help from me, and throw the rest away!!

[Guest]

yes..space...good old fresh air ....hey, don't feel too bad about things not working out...u think you had it bad...listen to this cd...hands over 'hell is empty all the devils are here' - lol

[ilmw]

yes..space...good old fresh air ....hey, don't feel too bad about things not working out...u think you had it bad...listen to this cd...hands over 'hell is empty all the devils are here' - lol

 

Ummm...what?

[behonest63]

Hi Dad hope your doing okay..Donald

[Dad_of_3]

What a week, what a rollercoaster its been.

 

I printed off the thread and have read it a lot in the last couple of days.

 

FlyingHigh, I just want to say that your post hit home on all points.

It put things in real perspective. Its helped me so much. Thank you.

 

I was fortunate enough to have stbxw meet me in a public place so I could see the kids and apologise to them all for what happened on Sunday. It worked out fine.

I got them some ice cream and sat them down.

I followed your sound advice Flyinghigh, I kept the facts of why and what not out of it, I stuck to the fact that dad was sorry for what happened. I can’t take it back, but know that it will never happen again.

I let them know I was here for them and that they could always talk or call on me if they ever needed.

We hugged and they then went to play on the playset.

 

Came time to speak with stbxw and well I didn’t want to get into it with her if she chose not to.

We talked about the kids and arrangements for the rest of the year, As I will be looking after them when she goes travelling for 3 weeks with some friends. I will have them for 3 solid weeks and now coming up with plans with the kids.

We made arrangements in regards to how I was going to look after them on a Monday night so she can go to work. I will take them back to my place and drop them off at school Tuesday morning. We agreed to trial this dependant on how the kids cope with this.

We’ve gone back to our original arrangement that I take them every Saturday night and alternating Sunday nights as well.

I listened to the wants of my kids and I know they miss there dad a lot.

Whatever it is I think otherwise, they come first now, they need to know they are loved and cared for by me. I’ll never forget that again.

 

At the end of it, it was very exhausting but I do think both parties came out of it agreed. It needs to be in control and civil for all the right reasons, the kids.

 

It felt good for all the right reasons on settling it without the negative and painful atmosphere.

 

A lot more has happened this week, which has been on a positive note. For both stbxw, myself and the kids.

 

I’m still a bit confused in regards to some of the things she says and do, but the outlook is she is no longer a concern unless as you said, my kids are in trouble or she can’t function as there mother. Don’t mean I still don’t care for her, or love her. A part of me will always.

 

The rest of what happened this week especially toda,I hope to write up at a later date and even get a clearer understanding for myself..

 

Thanks for listening and thanks again flyinghigh

[FlyingHigh]

I’m still a bit confused in regards to some of the things she says and do, but the outlook is she is no longer a concern unless as you said, my kids are in trouble or she can’t function as there mother. Don’t mean I still don’t care for her, or love her. A part of me will always.

 

You're welcome Dadof3. That's what were here for...

 

As far as your confusion with regards to your wife, don't over analyze what she said or did not say because your assumption whatever it is will be 99.9% incorrect.

 

If she says something confusing, ASK calmly and politely in non-threatening or defensive manner. Say, "I'm not quite sure what you mean by that..." She'll most likely telll you in a different way. And if you're still confused, say..."What I understand you're saying is this..... Please correct me if I'm wrong." Don't interrupt when she respond. Just listen. This approach will help take away assumptions from both of you.

 

No different than if you were given an assignment from your boss. If unclear, you ask for clarification in order to get the job done right. There is no room for assumptions or else you'll get fired. Negotiation and resolving conflict with your wife is no different in terms of method/process.

 

Keep in mind that your wife will be more cautious or reluctant for now to get into deep seeded conversation simply because she "fears" how you might react. Over time, as long as you demonstrate your "new approach" to conversations with her, she will begin to feel comfortable to open up.

 

AND...compliment her whenever you see her. But be honest and don't over do it. The next time you see her and the kids to go to the park, rather than just sit and talk, plan something that involves her, like a picnic under some big tree. It will take the anticipated pressure off her where she expects that you'll want to sit and chat. You can still do that, but a picnic takes the edge off. Most importantly, allow her to be the one to start the subject about your marital situation. Don't be the one to initiate it. This will come with time.

 

In other words, show a different side of you she's never seen before or only knew when you two were dating. She'll start to see a "new and improved" you. I guarantee you, she will start having second thoughts about wanting a divorce.

 

Remember, keep tweaking your approach. Sounds like you're off to a good start. Maintain it. This will be the tough part. But, if you don't the alternative is a definite pink slip or the end of your marriage.

 

You have ONE major advantage over your wife's potential suitors and that is you two have a "history" and children together. If you want to beat your competition, you're going to have to play smart to win her heart back. So start adjusting your sails...

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[FlyingHigh]

Dadof3

 

Just wanna add on how you can win your wife back. Read "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS" from this website www.marriagebuilders.com.

 

One of the things it lists is "physical attraction". Look your best even if it's just a stroll in the park with the kids. Sometimes, marriage makes us become complacent with the way we take care of ourselves. We get too comfortable that it takes away the need to keep trying...hence...affairs.

 

Anyway, women find it "sexy" when a father looks good while he's playing with the kids and he's happy....yes, even in jeans!! So look like you just stepped out of an Eddie Bauer ad...or whatever you think she'll like. No different than the way you men want to see us looking like we just stepped out of a Victoria Secret catalog.

 

Keep in mind that even if you have ONE major advantage...YOU have to work harder to beat your competition. Their advantage over you is that they offer your wife something "new" and exciting. That's a thrill in itself. If you are to double your points with your wife, you will have to step up your game.

 

Think of it like a game of American football. Your favorite team (go San Francisco Niners!) is down by two touchdowns on the 4th quarter. As a coach, you've had 3 quarters to learn your opponents tactics and your offensive/defensive weaknesses. To win the game, you're going have to "adjust" and step up your game. Now, apply this with the game of winning your wife's heart back.

[Lor]

Do3, you lost it. Which you already know. you sound sincere and hopefully you are.

 

You say you've let her go and understand that she has moved on but your actions the other night showed that you haven't and you don't. I know, I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Hopefully this episode has shown you where things really lie and you can let go and move on now. She's gone, she's not yours anymore, and right now she probably looks at you and realizes that she doesn't know you anymore. do you know yourself anymore?

 

As far as the why in why you went looking outside the M, it can happen if you are looking for appreciation becuase you yourself don't like yourself and when someone else shoots you the eye, it makes you feel good. To not cheat again, you need to find contentment in yourself, be happy with yourself and where you are, M or not. Until you find that and worked on that aspect of your personality, you will continue to cheat. cuz it fills a void you find in yourself, not a void that your M isn't filling or your SO isn't filling. The problem is with you and your lack of self-esteem and pride in yourself. Guitar lessons and the gym are a start but they too are a filler. Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are happy, that you like yourself? Until you can, you've got a long way to go.

 

Cheaters are not lifetime cheaters. I don't go with the saying Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if it does happen more than once. You can consiously make the descision to never go down that path again, to see what harm it caused, whether it becomes known or stays hidden, its still festering within you, the guilt and pain that was caused, the harm it did to yourself and your own pride in yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing it to happen and make up your mind that, like D said, there are triggers and to realize what they are and to keep them from affecting you.

 

You don't need anyone's approval on here. You only need your own approval. but you also need to examine your actions and to think of what the reasons were behind them. There are words and there are actions. You talk a mean game but you don't walk the walk, as Gunny would say.

[Lor]

Do3, Flyinghigh:

 

don't try and win her back. If you really love her, let her go. Maybe in time it will happen but you've hurt her so much right now that it will never work, no matter how hard you try.

 

Show her respect and respect the fact that she's moved on. Nothing you do will get her back, and all you will do is push her away that much more. Be there for your kids, and be kind to her, but leave her alone. hasn't she been thru enough without confusing her even more by trying to integrate yourself back into the picture?

[FlyingHigh]

Lor,

 

Affairs will either break a marriage OR make it stronger. No offense, but it's easy to tell someone to let go when you've been there and found happiness on the other side. As a betrayed spouse, I'd be siding with you. But people make mistakes.

 

Yes, Dof3 has a lot to learn. He's admitted it. Sometimes, it takes longer for people to realize their mistakes while others are jolted on their first goof. Nevertheless, you learn from it.

 

While it is up to his wife to decide whether to stay or not, Dadof3 remains hopeful that he can change the course of his relationship with his wife by changing and improving himself. You can't knock him for trying. And it's that glimmer of "hope" that triggers the human spirit to keep "trying".

 

If his attempts to win back his wife's heart doesn't work, he can at least know in his heart that he gave it his all. This alone serves a lesson and will allow him to look at his next relationship with better perspectives. It may even help him and his wife develop a "friendship" especially for the kids, which most often lacks in marriages from the get go.

 

I agree with you with respect to him walking the talk. He needs to follow through with what he says.

 

Unless I missed it on one of his posts where his wife told him to go "pound salt", then, the message is clear for him to "move on". Meanwhile, he needs to get to the point where he feels he has given it his all without regrets before giving up. He's not quite there yet.