Going through hell....

[LakesideDream]

Do3, how about taking a week off from your crusade? It's might be worth a try. Do what's good for you, and your kids given the oppertunity, and refrain from "doing" things for your wife.

 

Give the "I'm gonna blow her away by being super cool" a break.

 

Your chances of reconciliation are pretty limited. You are not improving them by pushing the issue. You major asset in the relationship is the kids you share. Be a good Dad, and chill out on the rest of the blarney, at least for awhile.

 

You wife may like what she see's when all the mirrors are gone, and the smoke clears a little. I imagine she's pretty blinded by all your "afectations" by now.

[FlyingHigh]

I purposely didn't reply to Lor's last post because I wanted to see what Dadof3 had to say. Trying not to get into an extended debate. It's quite alright to disagree. That's the beauty of being different and living in a country with the consitutional of freedom of speech....blah-blah-blah...

 

No matter how his situation is sliced, Dadof3 still had to go through similar process/stage as a betrayed spouse. That similarity is the grieving stage done at different time. Whether or not his wife didn't want him back at all, (easier to do when there's someone else) he still needed to go through the process of knowing that he gave it his all before he gave up. And whether or not it was incosiderate of him to not respect her wishes, he didn't realize it at the time. Again, it's easy to make judgement watching from the sideline. No different than watching a movie with a predictable outcome...you know...where we yell "No, don't open the door!" because we know what's behind it.

 

In other words, LIFE has to play out its course in order for it to have any meaning to those who matters most.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dadof3,

 

It's poignant that you finally revealed that your wife had cheated on you after the first child was born. This is probably the core of why you also cheated on her because her infidelity, it seems was not dealt with. If it were, you wouldn't have had these unresolved issues which drove you to cheat on her as well. Who knows, maybe it was your way of getting back at her.

 

I once wrote that life is such that if we don't take the time to learn the lessons we're supposed to learn, it will keep coming back until we get it right. Life is like a bommerang. That lesson came back seven years later which you are finally taking the time to learn.

 

In regards to helping with the PC, in the time right now, I have no problems with. In fact my reasonings are not that I am doing it for her but for the children. they love playing games on it, sending daddy special emails at work and at his home address. A email alone from my kids give me the biggest smile for days !

This is a great example of how to establish your boundary when to say yes or no. If what she requests pertains to the children, than you know you're doing your part as a father and not as a "husband". Other than that....well you know the answer.

 

As for asking about how I am? She has always stated that she is still interested in me and whats happening with my life. how my day went, etc etc.

I just find it hard to stomach at times, she is really back and forth on this. I dont read too much into it, I cant control that.

I am stuck sometimes on what to do, she's still interested in my life, asking questions, where I am going, who I was with, yet ... do you guys know what I mean ?

Don't read too much into it. If it makes you feel awkward or you start thinking she has other motives/agenda for being "nosy", just reply with a simple, "I'm fine. Thank you for asking." Then turn the table on her and ask her the same thing. Make it short, finish what you need to do for the kids and leave. And yes, we know what you mean, mate. We've all been there. But, it will get easier. Trust yourself.

[PWSX3]

I once wrote that life is such that if we don't take the time to learn the lessons we're supposed to learn, it will keep coming back until we get it right. Life is like a bommerang. That lesson came back seven years later which you are finally taking the time to learn.

This is so true!!!!!

[Lor]

Do3, how about taking a week off from your crusade? It's might be worth a try. Do what's good for you, and your kids given the oppertunity, and refrain from "doing" things for your wife.

 

Give the "I'm gonna blow her away by being super cool" a break.

 

Your chances of reconciliation are pretty limited. You are not improving them by pushing the issue. You major asset in the relationship is the kids you share. Be a good Dad, and chill out on the rest of the blarney, at least for awhile.

 

You wife may like what she see's when all the mirrors are gone, and the smoke clears a little. I imagine she's pretty blinded by all your "afectations" by now.

 

LSD is so right on this. Really, Do3, all you're actions up until a day or two ago have been to try and win her back. You're posting the other day showed more of a personal side of you, the need for attention side. Not that it was bad! Don't get me wrong, it sounded more like a real posting of how you feel than the stuff you normally post. I get the impression that you do a lot of things for approval and to get noticed....and you sounded geniunely happy and it was a good day. Waking up to a good day is such a nice feeling.

 

As far as your W's infidelity, that may be a symptom of your own cheating but it is not the core of the problem. That lays within you and once again your need for affection and attention from others. It's like a craving that you can't slake ~ always looking for afirmation that you're a good person, that you're attractive, that people like you. You need to be happy in your own skin and to not worry so much about what others think, say or do about you.

 

In my other postings to you it may seem that I don't like you. That's not the case ~ I don't even know you ~ and as far as your infidelities in the past, hey we all make mistakes. I too had an EA and my H cheated on me ~ so I know what both sides feels like. I've read your flowery prose ~ very nicely written btw ~ but have been hearing only surface stuff. Dig deeper and tear yourself apart, examine your strength and weaknesses. I think you'll find the weakness part of you has been contributing more to your actions than your strengths. Focus your energy on yourself and not so much the situation, cuz until you like yourself and are content with being alone, you'll be stuck in a rut.

[ilmw]

 

I once wrote that life is such that if we don't take the time to learn the lessons we're supposed to learn, it will keep coming back until we get it right. Life is like a bommerang. That lesson came back seven years later which you are finally taking the time to learn.

 

 

Yeahh that is so true... kinda like reincarnation.... coming back time after time.. until we get it right... and reach Nirvana ( )

 

I have noticed a common theme on Sep/Div from those who have been there...done that... have survived and are now on the other side of it... and that is of "self love".. To find self love... you have to find yourself... then learn to like yourself... then love

 

"to thy own self be true".. "love thy self"... without self love ... how can we feel love... how can we show love.. as love comes from within...

 

You need to get there... it is in my humble opinion( ) the #1 priority to recovering /getting over.. or reconcilation....

 

Anywhooo... please continue..

[PWSX3]

"to thy own self be true".. "love thy self"... without self love ... how can we feel love... how can we show love.. as love comes from within...

Another good one!!!!!

I will have to write this one down and keep it on my fridge..

[ilmw]

Another good one!!!!!

I will have to write this one down and keep it on my fridge..

 

you may do so for a small fee.. you may make payment by VISA, Mastercard... or American express.....

[PWSX3]

you may do so for a small fee.. you may make payment by VISA, Mastercard... or American express.....

How about trading for hits on making cookies????

[ilmw]

How about trading for hits on making cookies????

 

ok... you got me there...

 

Damn.. I'm never gonna retire early at this rate... friggen barter system... :lmao:

[FlyingHigh]

Yeahh that is so true... kinda like reincarnation.... coming back time after time.. until we get it right... and reach Nirvana ( )

 

I have noticed a common theme on Sep/Div from those who have been there...done that... have survived and are now on the other side of it... and that is of "self love".. To find self love... you have to find yourself... then learn to like yourself... then love

 

"to thy own self be true".. "love thy self"... without self love ... how can we feel love... how can we show love.. as love comes from within...

 

You need to get there... it is in my humble opinion( ) the #1 priority to recovering /getting over.. or reconcilation....

 

Anywhooo... please continue..

Great addition! And sooooo true!!!

 

For some, they have to hit rock bottom before they get it. A 2x4 from friends and family won't do it. They have to experience the fall. Once they do, how they rise above it helps redefine who they are.

 

It's a process like "making cookies?" Hell, it takes time, the right amount of stuff and heat which by the way you have to take into account if you live in higher altitude (I don't). Makes a BIG difference on how the cookies will turn out. I've tried different recipes for macademia nut chocolate chip cookies and only had a few batches that I consider "Mrs. Fields" clone.

 

Anyone wanna share their "secret" recipe?

 

I could go to McDonalds for their 3 for $1 chocolate chip cookies (they're great by the way), but it takes the fun out of making them.

 

Anyone?

[PWSX3]

A 2x4 from friends and family won't do it.

You mean all those hits along the side of the head LOR has given me won't help me? That is depressing.....:lmao:

[Lor]

You mean all those hits along the side of the head LOR has given me won't help me? That is depressing.....:lmao:

 

....well, if you're head wasn't so damn hard they would've..... :lmao:

[Dad_of_3]

Do3, how about taking a week off from your crusade? It's might be worth a try. Do what's good for you, and your kids given the oppertunity, and refrain from "doing" things for your wife.

 

Give the "I'm gonna blow her away by being super cool" a break.

 

Your chances of reconciliation are pretty limited. You are not improving them by pushing the issue. You major asset in the relationship is the kids you share. Be a good Dad, and chill out on the rest of the blarney, at least for awhile.

 

You wife may like what she see's when all the mirrors are gone, and the smoke clears a little. I imagine she's pretty blinded by all your "afectations" by now.

 

I read this a couple of days ago and thought I'd try it out.

I feel great!

Just spent alot of time to myself and taking care of myself.

Doing things I've put aside since all this started.

Some things I missed, like relaxation time to read, play the computer and what not. I've missed it .... alot.

Spent a great Thursday night down at the local Shopping mall at a cafe with friends, meeting new ones.

It was really good to get out and have a little down tiem and fun. I really enjoyed it. The talking, the interaction, watching life go by.

As for the kids this weekend, thinking of taking them to see some professional sand sculptures by the beach at bondi. just me and the kids and whoever wants to come.

focusing on there beaming faces for the weekend.

BTW .. summer is here in Sydney. Heat, sweat and skimpy clothes all the rage in Syd ... thought I'd rub it in a little

[Dad_of_3]

YEP! LS is definitely cheaper than the several hundreds of dollars in marriage counseling.

 

People's life story is raw and microscopically analyzed by all of us! That's the fun part. Kinda like we're all surgeons and friends trying to figure out how to fix each other's problems.

 

I must agree, i was always a bit scared to post on here for the longest time.

 

I wish I had discovered this place and you folks a long time ago before all this.

It doesnt make me any less grateful to be here.

 

I'll be on board for awhile

 

Even half a world away ... lol

[PWSX3]

I was reading my Boundaries book this evening and came across this little prayer and I wanted to share it;

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Something else that is going up on the fridge!!!

[LakesideDream]

I was reading my Boundaries book this evening and came across this little prayer and I wanted to share it;

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Something else that is going up on the fridge!!!

 

Amazing it took you a lifetime to find that one. It's called the "Serenity" prayer. It's a cornerstone of "self help" starting with AA and spreading everywhere.

 

Good for you though, better late than never!

[ilmw]

I read this a couple of days ago and thought I'd try it out.

I feel great!

Just spent alot of time to myself and taking care of myself.

Doing things I've put aside since all this started.

Some things I missed, like relaxation time to read, play the computer and what not. I've missed it .... alot.

Spent a great Thursday night down at the local Shopping mall at a cafe with friends, meeting new ones.

It was really good to get out and have a little down tiem and fun. I really enjoyed it. The talking, the interaction, watching life go by.

As for the kids this weekend, thinking of taking them to see some professional sand sculptures by the beach at bondi. just me and the kids and whoever wants to come.

focusing on there beaming faces for the weekend.

BTW .. summer is here in Sydney. Heat, sweat and skimpy clothes all the rage in Syd ... thought I'd rub it in a little

 

Thx....Do3... had to drive through a blizzard coming back from a seminar...today...over 10cm...

 

Good to see you getting out and about... feels good eh?

[Dad_of_3]

Off for the day.

 

Have kids, feel a twinge in regards to whats going on.

 

Been reading up on that book Flyinghigh suggested.

 

"Dont Sweat the Small Stuff"

 

Need to focus for the day, all impacted by 1 phone call from stbxw.

 

I'm stronger than this. I'm a good dad. I am a patient, loving and caring dad.

I cant afford to forget that.

 

Write again soon.

[Guest]

what you can control and what u can't....u can ask and plead and request until you are blue in the face but the only thing u can control is yourself and your behaviour and activities....i had been making the cardinal mistake of thinking that others would do what only i needed to complete so today i tied up all my loose ends and now i can just focus on moving forward again. as some of u may be aware, i was having a few identity issues - so i contacted all the places that know me and ensured that they remembered me, and requested all my previous encounters with them dating back 4 years,

 

i made three copies of my history [computer, files, photos] and and delivered them to an identity specialist and they promised i would soon be my old self again. then i contacted a communications expert and enrolled in a few courses, and let some friends in on my weight loss program and they told me i would gain it back because they believed in me. then i informed the technician at the photo lab that i would not be back for the negatives and i covered off a few other things - i feel much better. being proactive instead of passive always works best i believe.

[FlyingHigh]

Thx....Do3... had to drive through a blizzard coming back from a seminar...today...over 10cm...

 

Good to see you getting out and about... feels good eh?

Okay, if y'all wanna play the rub it in....here's mine.

 

It's sunny here in Long Beach, California in the low to mid 70's! No swealtering heat just, shorts and flip flop day. :D

 

Yes! Right on Dof3. Glad you're taking some R&R for yourself. It feeds the soul and mind....

[ilmw]

Okay, if y'all wanna play the rub it in....here's mine.

 

It's sunny here in Long Beach, California in the low to mid 70's! No swealtering heat just, shorts and flip flop day. :D

 

Yes! Right on Dof3. Glad you're taking some R&R for yourself. It feeds the soul and mind....

 

Nice... I hate places like California..Australia all that sun and everyone looks tanned and relaxed.. except in LA.. :lmao: (kidding)

[Dad_of_3]

In my other postings to you it may seem that I don't like you. That's not the case ~ I don't even know you ~ and as far as your infidelities in the past, hey we all make mistakes. I too had an EA and my H cheated on me ~ so I know what both sides feels like. I've read your flowery prose ~ very nicely written btw ~ but have been hearing only surface stuff. Dig deeper and tear yourself apart, examine your strength and weaknesses. I think you'll find the weakness part of you has been contributing more to your actions than your strengths. Focus your energy on yourself and not so much the situation, cuz until you like yourself and are content with being alone, you'll be stuck in a rut.

 

Reread this post just now while the kids are having some down time on the computer and resting up.

That line in itself, has me worried some what, I know I am a truck load scaredof whats there.

I was working through Dr Phils's book and one of his exercises and it has changed some perspectives in my life. From what I remembered as a happy moment in my life, digging deep, it wasnt.

The cold hard truth that I lied to myself at that time came crashing down.

I felt so alone but in a way so relieved as I had finally acknowledged what was really there.

Part of me hasnt wanted to continue the exercise, but I will when I get myself together after that.

I've turned to other books for the moment, until I am ready.

 

Your comment Lor, gives me a nudge that I know I can get through it. I do look forward to when it comes.

 

Damn Dr Phil ... lol

[Dad_of_3]

I was reading my Boundaries book this evening and came across this little prayer and I wanted to share it;

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Something else that is going up on the fridge!!!

 

 

I found something similar in a shop, I was going to buy it.

 

The last part was a little different.

 

.... and give me the wisdom to hide the bodies when people dont get it through there heads to leave me the hell alone !

 

ROFL

[Dad_of_3]

Nice... I hate places like California..Australia all that sun and everyone looks tanned and relaxed.. except in LA.. :lmao: (kidding)

 

Hehehehehe ... this summer, I'll be sure to take alot of snaps and put them here just for you ilmw. Hehehehehe

 

Was a good day, now its just relaxing and spending the night with the kids watching a movie.

 

I hope the snow hasnt dampened too much of your high spirits.

Just feel the intent form here to melt the snow for ya.

[ilmw]

Hehehehehe ... this summer, I'll be sure to take alot of snaps and put them here just for you ilmw. Hehehehehe

 

Was a good day, now its just relaxing and spending the night with the kids watching a movie.

 

I hope the snow hasnt dampened too much of your high spirits.

Just feel the intent form here to melt the snow for ya.

 

Cheers mate