Going through hell....

[FlyingHigh]

Off for the day.

 

Have kids, feel a twinge in regards to whats going on.

 

Been reading up on that book Flyinghigh suggested.

 

"Dont Sweat the Small Stuff"

 

Need to focus for the day, all impacted by 1 phone call from stbxw.

 

I'm stronger than this. I'm a good dad. I am a patient, loving and caring dad.

I cant afford to forget that.

 

Write again soon.

You are a great Dad, Dof3!!!

 

Sometimes, we all forget the role we're supposed to play to those who mean the most to us. We get detoured, distracted and thrown off the road once in awhile for whatever reason. You are no different.

 

You are slowly taking control of the wheels. You already know what roads not to take or avoid by virtue of your experience and having been there before.

 

Keep in mind, however, that while you are focused at the road ahead with both hands at the wheel, there will always be another time when you may presented with the same road of opportunity. Your decision to take that same road will be determined by your state of mind. Like anyone, you will be faced again with the split second decision whether you will take another detour to that same path or keep moving forward. It is this crossroad that seperates those who will cheat again from those who have learned their life lesson and have moved on.

 

Judging by everything you have done and are doing, you are more focused now with goals. All you have to do is reread you first few posts and compare them to your most recent ones, the last few pages. Let it be a reminder of where you've been and where you are going. It's as if you are reading two completely different people. You went from an "all about me" individual who was desperately trying to regain control of his life and marriage with schewed expectation and who could've lost everything in one incident to someone who finally "accepted". It is this sense of "acceptance" that slowly helped you adjust....Remember?....

 

I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND, BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS.

 

You should be proud of yourself. Some people never get to this point of acceptance because they refuse to accept that there is another way of doing. You have and you are seeing and experiencing it.

 

Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day". It was built for centuries. That is why it is still standing today for us and the world to enjoy its grandeur. In other words, be careful to not expect too much too soon. It is this type of expectation that causes the greatest fall and disappointment. Like running in a marathon, you will eventually cross the finish line, at your own pace.

 

As you are rebuilding your life and children's, do so as if you were building your home...with a solid foundation and not by short cuts. But with love and attention to details, and the best materials you can afford so that the next generation can live in it and appreciate the love you put into it. This is how you want your children to remember you for.

 

So, one day at a time, Dadof3. Keep growing and learning as you are doing. That's what life is. Enjoy it meanwhile. And you seem to be doing just that. There is no deadline for growth. But growth is optional.

[FlyingHigh]

Nice... I hate places like California..Australia all that sun and everyone looks tanned and relaxed.. except in LA.. :lmao: (kidding)

You're going to hate me more when I tell you that I'm a transplant from the tropics.....drum roll please........

 

******* HAWAII!!!! *********

 

There! Eat your heart out! :D :D

 

And NO, Hawaii isn't a country!!!!

 

And YES, we have snow! :D

 

And the BEST Mai Tais especially watching the sunset at the beach!! :D

 

..Okay...I'll shush....... :D

[Dad_of_3]

I've done my sums, I cant move out and pay a mortgage at the same time.

 

I got to move on. Its driving me insane.

She cant make half payments for the mortgage as it is.

 

I'm not happy in my current living arrangements.

 

Will have a discussion tomorrow about the finality of the house.

IT was in my heart, I said she could stay there with the kids but in my head, it cant happen.

Things have since changed since I said it. With the OG and what not.

This is not about him, but a need to get out on my own.

 

In my mind, I think its the kids home, but in actuality, its me thinking I'm still a part of it. Even if we reconcile, which is still a one in a million. I wouldnt want to stay there long term Tooo many bad memories.

 

I'll post how it goes.

 

Changing sails ....

[FlyingHigh]

I've done my sums, I cant move out and pay a mortgage at the same time.

 

I got to move on. Its driving me insane.

She cant make half payments for the mortgage as it is.

 

I'm not happy in my current living arrangements

 

Take a deep breath.....

 

Try not to do too many things at once otherwise you're liable to go insane.

 

IT was in my heart, I said she could stay there with the kids but in my head, it cant happen.

Things have since changed since I said it. With the OG and what not.

This is not about him, but a need to get out on my own.

If it weren't about the OG, even if it were a little, you wouldn't have mentioned him, Dadof3.

 

Refocus...

 

In my mind, I think its the kids home, but in actuality, its me thinking I'm still a part of it. Even if we reconcile, which is still a one in a million. I wouldnt want to stay there long term Tooo many bad memories.

All right, reread this. There's a hint of your reverting to some "old" pattern.

 

You will ALWAYS be a part of that home regardless of what happens. I'm sure your wife goes through the same things living in it. Trust me.

 

When my STBX was gone from the home we bought a year ago (I'm still in it), there are reminders! His bedroom set which he trekked from the midwest are still here because he doesn't have anywhere else to put it at his late mother's house where he's been living with his sister. But because I chose to move on, I'm redoing things a little and his "things" don't affect me the same way as it used to. They are just things.

 

Put the reconciliation on the side for now. Don't expect it as long as the OG is around. Concentrate on moving on. And if there ever is going to be a reconcilliation, it will happen in its own time.

 

If you're the one who ends up with the house, you will re-create "new" memories. Kinda like the way you re-invented yourself. Often the "house" becomes an emotional trap in the midst of divorces and seperations. Avoid getting caught in it.

 

Is she opting to move out and move in with the OG? If so, let her. Child support may be the only thing to contend with, financially allowing you to keep the house.

 

If she's opting to stay (hopefully not allowing the OG to move in, which by the way you can't control unless there's a law in your country to forbid it while still legally married), you have a few options:

 

1. Have her buy half of your interest, then she and the OG can pay for the mortgage.

 

2. Sell the house and split the net proceeds. This may allow the two of you to move on a lot faster.

 

3. Refinance and buy her interest out. You'll be the sole owner of the house.

 

Realistically and financially these are your options.

 

Changing sails ....

NO, don't "change" sails. The wind just shifted and got stronger.

 

ADJUST.....

[FlyingHigh]

The other option you have with regards to the house is if you two want to hang on to it jointly/seperately, you could always rent it if it makes sense even if you break even. You cost would be:

 

1) maintaing the house which you could probably do yourself if you opt to living nearby.

 

2) Spusal/child support which is usually a percentage of your income and hers if it's similar to USA.

 

But you don't want to sell the house if there is no equity in it. Again, here in California, the seller usually pays 6% commission which includes 3% of the buyers' portion.

 

Good luck.

[Dad_of_3]

Thanks for getting my head back into gear Flyinghigh.

 

When I wrote that, I was tired, a little, bah I lie ! I was a lot emotional. had the kids, gah, excuses !

 

You're right though, the wind has picked up and I need to make the necessary adjustments to go with it.

 

I dropped the kids tonight, and wanted nothing more than to leave with a little dignity. I wasnt worried about asking how her weekend went or what not. I was pleasant and nice. Put away the kids stuff and was ready to go.

She brings up arrangements for the kids, especially my daughter as I will be tending to her and her dancing when she leaves on her holiday with her friends.

I go with it, its for the kids, arrangements. I can handle that.

 

I'm jumping ahead of myself. The kids called to say good night to her last night, and I had a chat to her letting her know things on my mind in regards to moving out on my own. We will need to discuss finances and settlement of the house.

I let her know that it has been on my mind and we will need to discuss this issue in further detail. Not now, but when its convienent for both of us. I asked her to have a good think on how things are going in regards to this.

As it stands, she hasnt asked for any child support as I am paying the mortgage off.

I done my sums, and I cant move out paying the mortgage, certain bills that come out of my account, my own rent and live. Its just not financially viable. I'm trying to be realistic.

Where I am, its just not home, I look forward to the time next year that I can call my new place home for me and my kids.

I'm barely living where I am, I hate where I am. The change and move is going to be a kicker to my new life as who I am and provide the most safe and loving environment for the kids.

 

I know I am going back on one of those things I said to her. I did say to her that her and the kids could stay there as long as they wanted. I hate that I have to go back on that, if I could have it any other way, I would have her stay there.

But as I see it, its just not reality of the situation we are in. I feel for me to move on as a new phase in my life as me and as a dad, I need to get on with it. This is a step in the right direction. Not aimed at putting her out or anything like that. Moving forward and on with my life.

 

Anyway, once we spoke tonight about the arrangements, she brought up the topic of the house. She stated that she was quite resentful of what I was asking of her. She stated that I was not considering the consequences of this move of selling the house or whatever.

I stated that selling the house was not the only solution. I was open to suggestions and her views on how it would possibly work. I think all she hears is me asking her to leave the house now. I let her know my intentions of moving out and the decision to was based on me and the kids. I've thought about the disruption it would cause the kids i regards to their school and friends and what not. I have put a hell of alot of thought into this. It was not just come up with on the spot.

She brought up the whole issue that doing so meant she would have to move house to a different area as she couldnt afford the rent in the area we live now. She even stated she would have to move back to her parents place and live in a 'granny flat' with the yucky and foul smelling dog smell that follows them. She brought up that maybe she would go work fulltime and I look after the kids then.

I truly feel she played the 'poor me' card here, I did feel bad hearing it, I would not allow myself to feel sorry about this.

All I stated was I understand the crappy ugliness of it. This is all messed up, and it is. But as things are, this is the reality of it.

AS she is moving on with her life, this is part and parcel of me rebuilding my life and how things will be for the kids and I.

We eventually will have to settle and well, certainly what you stated about my options, I have had a good weekend to think about them as well.

She even suggested she pay rent and we redo finances again. I know as I have sat down with statements that she cant afford to pay rent close to even market value, pay bills and live. As much as I cant do it.

I know there is still alot of anger in her about it all. It came through in a very subtle and demeaning way. I just wish she could be more upfront about it, just let me know, I can handle it then.

As it stands, I know she thinks I am telling her to get out of the house and its my way and thats it.

I said she could have enough time to sort things out. In regards to finding another solution as I am looking as well.

In the meantime, a little financial sacrifice for something secure for the kids and for them to have a more happy father and a stable environment is all I can think of.

 

I'm adjusting as best to my ability in this crazy time.

I'm still excited as ever at getting my own place. Fixing it up so the kids can have there rooms, and most important in my heart, somewhere they can call 'home' with dad.

[FlyingHigh]

With respect to your wife, I knowwhere she's at emotionally. She's now faced with the difficult realization that she may have to move out of the home she once thought would be it. The thought of moving back with her parents and having to go back to work can be emotionally shocking. She too, is worried about her financial stability.

 

Your initial intentions to have your wife and children to remain in that house was genuinely from the heart. But, once you did the sums, reality set in.

 

The next time you and your wife discuss options with regards to the house, rather than doing it over the phone, ASK her if she wants to discuss this in person at her convenience. Be prepared to bring your paperwork (paycheck statement), a notebook, your monthly expense/receipts and a calculator so that both of your are LOOKING at the same numbers. This will/may help her understand the necessity of "moving forward" and eliminate any doubts. Plus, it will be a great way for both of you to learn to be better coparents. Most importantly, it may give her the encouragement to reestablish herself back in the work force which definitely will help her.

 

Consider the next step as another learning curve for BOTH of you. It will be tough. But a necessary one.

 

Like you said, maintaining emotional stability for the kids should always be a priority regardless whether or not finances will force a necessary move.

 

When my sister (4 kids, ages 6-23) divorced her X, she moved in with our Mom along with her 3 youngsters temporarily to save enough money to buy her own place. It was an amicable split, equal custody alternating every other week. She and her X were flexible that if for some reason, a change in their visitation was needed, they accomodated each other respectfully. A year later, she got her own place, a one bedroom condo. My sister got a second job when she doesn't have the kids.

 

My point? Just as long as the kids are a priority, loved and cared, it doesn't matter where they will live. It matters a lot on how their parents can maintain a healthy relationship with each other. In the end, kids know if their parents aren't happy divorce or not.

 

Let me share with you a time when I was with my sister and her three young ones who were 4-12 years old. While my sister was driving and we were all laughing, my oldest niece came out of the blue with this:

 

Niece: "Mom, I don't know why you and Dad didn't divorce earlier."

Sister: "Why do you say that?"

Niece: (bluntly) "Cuz. You're so much happier."

 

Her kids also "adjusted". While it initially broke their hearts to see their parents divorce, they adjusted and are happier. Their parents worked together to maintain as much stability as possible. Your kids will, too, adjust.

[Lor]

In my mind, I think its the kids home,

 

No, its just a house. if you can't afford it, either one of you, then sell it and move on. That way, more money for the important stuff ~ food, medical, night out with the kids.....

[ilmw]

No, its just a house. if you can't afford it, either one of you, then sell it and move on. That way, more money for the important stuff ~ food, medical, night out with the kids.....

 

Yup...

 

Thats what DW and I did...

 

She got a smaller house.. and I got an apartment.. We both have places the kids can come to/go too that they have room to play... be kids.. and they can feel somewhat comfortable in...

 

And like Lor said... it frees up a lot of cash... we made money on the house... so we where able to pay off alot of the (strangeling bills)...

 

Now.. I can take the kids out and do what ever.. movies... dinner... what ever...

 

It also takes a bit of pressure off.... and I can tell you this... from my own experience.... getting ride of those bills.. was a life saver..

 

Do what you think is best... but consider all your options...

 

BTW... when I went to get my stuff from my old house... (some of it was in storage there)... I felt nothing... although it was kinda weird... all the other furniture.. there... I don't have any regreats... getting ride of our dream home... cause the only dreams we got from it... turned into a nightmare... (acumulation of bills)... I know now.. that is one of the big deal breakers from my own relationship.... the pressure from those bills... a classic case of living within your means...... ( )

 

ilmw

[Dad_of_3]

Up, down and all over the place.

I'm still standing

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Some in regards to stbxw, but some things have accelerated in regards to my life.

 

I have a meeting back with my counsellor today after almost 5 weeks as she has been on leave.

After everything I have written and experienced in that time, I have come such a long way from where I was.

 

As Lor has said, I feel ready today to rip it all open. I have dug deep, but not to the core of it. I look forward to bleeding, I look forward to confronting it and finally experiencing it.

These ARE the life lessons I have been meant to learn. some I have already come to realise, some yet to even reveal themselves to me.

 

As for stbxw, its become frustrating to the point that she is now expecting me to take the children every weekend. Which I have not minded, hell if its what the kids want, i more than anything want that too.

I've tried to ask for time durign the weekend to sort out my own stuff, to do my own thing. Laundry etc etc

I still dont think she gets it entirely, but its not my concern anymore.

Kids are excited about the weekend too!

As I am taking them this weekend, House and furniture shopping !

Will try to make it as fun as possible as they help furnish our home.

I'm moving out ! Independent and on my own 2 feet !

'mini wave and celebration to myself' - can anyone tell me that quote came from ? lol

 

My daughter wrote me this letter that just knocked me off my feet last week. It was a real heart felt letter letting me know how proud she was of me. The changes that have been occuring, how I make her laugh, I hardly ever yell or get cranky anymore .... you get the drift.

When I read that I was in tears ! Good tears !

I miss them everyday, wish I could see them everyday.

I do know they are with me always ...

 

Weathers beautiful, perfect for sailing

[Dad_of_3]

Ooooops double post

[Dad_of_3]

first up, I want to say thank you to the resommendation on the books. It has really kept me going.

 

5 Love Languages has been a real eye opener for me. Something I've really come to understand and hopefully get a grip of.

Not only in regards to stbxw, but mainly myself and with my kids as well.

cant say how thankful i am for that recommendation

 

Still waiting on divorcebusters to come in from states.

 

Things are starting to look up and better. I received a little surprise from the Tax department ! I got a refund from them for the tax taken out throughout the financial year. That will be going to setting up a new place for myself.

Also taking a little bit out of it for my birthday coming up, something that I need to do, cant wait !

 

For my birthday this year, I decided to give myself the gift of conquering a fear. I'm gonna jump out of a plane ! LOL

Only a handful of people know about it and looking forward to it.

Kids dont know, stbxw will be bringing them out to meet me. she doesnt know either. All i know is that this is a fear I have had my whole life, part of moving on with a new outlook on life and accompanied by the real me

[PWSX3]

For my birthday this year, I decided to give myself the gift of conquering a fear. I'm gonna jump out of a plane ! LOL

Only a handful of people know about it and looking forward to it.

Kids dont know, stbxw will be bringing them out to meet me. she doesnt know either. All i know is that this is a fear I have had my whole life, part of moving on with a new outlook on life and accompanied by the real me

Sorry but I just can't see a good reason to leave a perfectly running airplane..

If you come out this way I can take you 4-wheeling on a shelf road or two at about 12,000', at least if we roll we have a cage over our head!!!!!! Well I guess you would have to wait until summer now with all the snow.

 

My sister has sky dived and she said that is the biggest rush. Just remember it's not the fall that hurts its that quick stop at the end......

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!

[FlyingHigh]

You go Dadof3!!

 

You know I have a fear of height, but I work at 30,000 ft. That's how I concquer my fear! :laugh:

 

But jumping out of an airplane? LOL! Now, that's bravery!!!

 

How come you won't tell your family?....just curious.....

[Dad_of_3]

You go Dadof3!!

 

You know I have a fear of height, but I work at 30,000 ft. That's how I concquer my fear! :laugh:

 

But jumping out of an airplane? LOL! Now, that's bravery!!!

 

How come you won't tell your family?....just curious.....

 

Hi FlyingHigh, thank you for the well wishes !

 

The reason why I havent told the kids or stbxw is that this will be totally out of character for me. My whole life I have been scared of heights, scared of rides. Hell we have been on family holidays where we went to amusement parks and I never went on any rides ... why ? Cause I was always sh*t scared, even kids rides !!! LOL. My fear took over and I always convinced myself not to.

Well this time I am facing it, I aint running away. I think of how surprised, how proud my kids are going to be when they see me do this. They wont see it coming. Just knowing that they will see dad accomplish this fear, I hope will inspire them, that no matter what, Fear shouldnt hold you back.

 

My heart pounds everytime I think about it and it just drives me on even more. I look to the sky everyday and think in myself I am going to conquer you, no way are you holding me back anymore.

 

All I know is that when I land, I wont be the same anymore. AS much as I am not the same person as when I first posted.

 

14,000 ft and counting ! 8 days to D-day !

*D as in Destiny ! lol

[Dad_of_3]

On a serious note, its been up and down.

 

I saw stbxw tonight at the mall. She had brought the kids down shopping for I kow for my B'day. I think its sweet that she still thinks of me in this way. I take nothing of it. Just shopping with the kids for their fathers B'day present.

 

The hard thing was my daughter ringing me today. It broke my heart in two.

She said how much she missed me, how much she wished she could see me everyday. I could hear that she had been crying as well. I was in the middle of the street and tears just started coming down. I felt like I was ripped in two.

I could only reassure her that I was always with her and even though I wasnt there I was only a phone call away.

I sang her a song " How do I live " by Tricia Yearwood

She calmed down abit as this is a song I told her I think of her when I hear it.

I then sang " My Little Girl " by Tim Mcgraw

 

We have this thing where when I find a song, I put it on a CD for her. The songs are growing so quick. Its something she keeps with her and listens to when she needs her daddy.

God I miss her, I miss all my kids so much still.

 

My change in myself I am really seeing. It's like I am seeing for the first time. My life is clear, the pain, anguish, sorrow, happiness, joy. Its all in front of me. I embrace it all with everything that I am. No one needs to say a word, I know in myself. I'm starting to find myself and who it is that I am.

 

Again tonight when I saw her, I was looking like a million dollars ! I'm fitter, healthier and happier than I have been in awhile. I had just been for a haircut as well, a friends GF is a hairdresser and I basicly said to her to cut 5 years off !! LOL

I've had the same haircut for the last 7 years ... I love my new haircut, I look 10 years younger ! LOL

 

In any case, I know she was looking me up and down again. I feel a little evil, saying to myself, its here but you cant have it .. lol

I was pleasant and polite and we only spoke a little. I was there to spend time with the kids and to make my little girl know I thought of her and that I was always here for her.

 

Stbxw I've noticed gets lost for words or forgetful with things when I am with her now ... symptom of the changing me maybe ? Like I said, not reading into it.

 

With the help of that book, whether its too late or not, I found out her love language. Its been absolutely brillant in helping me understand, myself, stbxw, my kids and any other people who will come into some form of friendship or relationship in my life.

 

Secondly ... I think I am going to have to kill my guitar teacher !!!

The songs he chooses for me to learn ! GAH !!!!

 

Last two songs have been horrendous, but I have kept my lip shut due to the fact that I am sure he knows whats best for me.

 

Tell me whats with learning:

 

R.E.M - Everybody Hurts

Evermore - Its too late

 

All I can see is the irony and have a chuckle to myself. Life sure does know how to throw you curly ones ! ROFL

 

One last thing before I go, I've been talking to some new ladies within the office, just being the new me and getting out there. I'm not looking for a relationship at all, really all I can say is I can offer friendship at this stage with no expectations.

Funny thing is one of the ladies has started emailing me a bit, having a joke and what not. I wrote that I wouldnt be there much longer as I am soon on leave. She wanted to know if I would be back for the Staff Christmas party. I said I wouldnt miss it for the world as it wouldbe necessary for me to attend as a Manager.

She says, "Im so glad, I would need someone else to check out and there is no one around at the moment..."

 

This brought a smile to my face, and I certainly am aware what could mean. Again, I will not read into this too much. If it goes on further I will politely and honestly advise that that is not what I can be. I can be a friend and a damn good one at that.

I like to think that I am worth waiting for. While all this sorted out in myself , that there 's worth in that. I know in myself and that is all that matters

 

My counselling session with the counsellor went really well. We spoke for nerly 2 hours.

I let her know of my experience with the Dr Phil book and basically she confirmed what I had known for weeks before I had seen her.

Its time I let her know. As Lor told me, it is time to rip me apart and find out what is underneath it all.

I look to it with eyes wide open and am ready. I'm not scared anymore !

 

Well could go on and on ... but I'll leave it for now.

 

One last thing, I got the kids this weekend and I can't wait ! A day in the Blue Mountains and dropping over a friends house for dinner after.

Sunday I will get to drop them off to their mum and have another day of househunting and furniture shopping.

 

I'm really loving my sailing .....

 

 

Thank you all, especially you FlyingHigh !

[Dad_of_3]

Just a quick note ...

 

Off to pick the kids up and spend the day in the Blue Mountains.

 

Its a gorgeous day here in Syd. Sun is out, its about 27" outside.

I'm thankful for the day that has come today.

 

My little girl wants to learn guitar as well !

Hmmm wonder what she might get for Christmas ? LOL

 

Post again later

 

 

*Oh that part of it being gorgeous was aimed at ilmw

Hope everyone has a great weekend

[ilmw]

Just a quick note ...

 

Off to pick the kids up and spend the day in the Blue Mountains.

 

Its a gorgeous day here in Syd. Sun is out, its about 27" outside.

I'm thankful for the day that has come today.

 

My little girl wants to learn guitar as well !

Hmmm wonder what she might get for Christmas ? LOL

 

Post again later

 

 

*Oh that part of it being gorgeous was aimed at ilmw

Hope everyone has a great weekend

 

Though so....wanker! :lmao:

 

Its raining here... it warmed up and all that horrible white stuff melted away...

[FlyingHigh]

Dad_of_3,

 

With your new outlook in life you ought to be saying "Who's the Daddy?" :laugh:

 

Your last few posts have been the MOST colorful, cheerful and funny! Your sense of humor is showing! BOY, what a new set of threads and haircut will do to a man's self-confidence! And it's infectious with the attention you're getting from the female species! Your wife should be at a lost when she sees you! She's BEGINNING to see a new person and she may be re-thinking things through. Keep doing it.

 

We have this thing where when I find a song, I put it on a CD for her. The songs are growing so quick. Its something she keeps with her and listens to when she needs her daddy.

God I miss her, I miss all my kids so much still.

Have you thought downloading the music in an MP3 for your daughter?

 

You wouldn't be a loving, caring father if you didn't miss your kids.

 

I'm not looking for a relationship at all, really all I can say is I can offer friendship at this stage with no expectations.

Be careful with developing friendships with the opposite sex at this time IF your mission is to win back your wife.

 

Right now, with your "new" look, your wife is probably thinking you've move on and have someone new in your life. The interests you're getting from women is not to be develop a "sister/brother" relationship. Women are just as assertive as men and have become more the aggressive ones when it comes to relationships.

 

Meanwhile, enjoy the spotlight...

[lisapizza]

Thanks FH for your recomendation reading this thread. I think DO3 should read mine ...22 yr marriage unsalvageable too. Just so he sees what an impact peoples actions really have on everyone...

 

DO3 you sound alot like my h/. trying everything to get back your wife. I think sometimes people wake up when it's too late..too much damage has been done. I don't want to sound bitter.

 

I really wish you the best out of life, afterall we are all human, we all have desires, wants & needs. It just makes me sad to see how much hurt poor decisions can make to so many people.

[FlyingHigh]

Thanks FH for your recomendation reading this thread. I think DO3 should read mine ...22 yr marriage unsalvageable too. Just so he sees what an impact peoples actions really have on everyone...

 

DO3 you sound alot like my h/. trying everything to get back your wife. I think sometimes people wake up when it's too late..too much damage has been done. I don't want to sound bitter.

 

I really wish you the best out of life, afterall we are all human, we all have desires, wants & needs. It just makes me sad to see how much hurt poor decisions can make to so many people.

UR welcome LP.

 

I think the difference between you and Dad_of_3 is while he and your husband did the unthinkable, Dof3 has recommitted himself to the possibility of winning his wife's heart back and wanting his marriage even if he feels there's a slim to none chance. In doing so, he is making adjustments to his sails which allowed him to change or adjust his approach his wife by improving himself. As a result, his wife seems to have noticed the changes and he is personally benefitting also. Whether or not his approach will win her back or if his wife will give him another chance...only time will tell. Should his wife decides not to give him a second chance, this will be his cross to bear. But in the end he'll be a better person/father because of it simply by the costly experience caused by his infidelity. Your husband, unfortunately hasn't been willing to change and recommit himself to your marriage or wanting to win you heart, and doesn't seem interested in wanting to change his ways.

 

My point in wanting you to read his post is that while you and your husband are still living under the same roof, you might want to make some changes to your approach towards your husband when he annoys the heck out of you or when he does something without "joint consent" because whatever you've been doing so far hasn't worked.

 

Dad_of_3 used to whine and complain about WHY his wife wasn't reacting in certain way as he expected when he did something that he thought WOULD bring some positive outcome. And when it didn't, he complained and whined some more and couldn't understand why...Sorry Dad_of_3.... :laugh:

 

In other words, if you want certain outcome, just don't expect them to happen. Adjust your approach (sails) because you've got a 50-50 chance of getting what you want than none at all if you don't, even IF the adjustment you make is totally different from what you would ordinarily do. Who knows, maybe, you fear the conflict would escalate if you challenged him. And if this were the case, then used a different approach that won't "challenge" him....

 

Just a thought.....

 

Happy Thanksgiving...everyone!

[Dad_of_3]

Dad_of_3,

 

With your new outlook in life you ought to be saying "Who's the Daddy?" :laugh:

 

Your last few posts have been the MOST colorful, cheerful and funny! Your sense of humor is showing! BOY, what a new set of threads and haircut will do to a man's self-confidence! And it's infectious with the attention you're getting from the female species! Your wife should be at a lost when she sees you! She's BEGINNING to see a new person and she may be re-thinking things through. Keep doing it.

 

 

Have you thought downloading the music in an MP3 for your daughter?

 

You wouldn't be a loving, caring father if you didn't miss your kids.

 

 

Be careful with developing friendships with the opposite sex at this time IF your mission is to win back your wife.

 

Right now, with your "new" look, your wife is probably thinking you've move on and have someone new in your life. The interests you're getting from women is not to be develop a "sister/brother" relationship. Women are just as assertive as men and have become more the aggressive ones when it comes to relationships.

 

Meanwhile, enjoy the spotlight...

 

I don’t think so much that it is to do with the female attention. I’m not overly concerned with that. I just feel great and it makes me pleased that I can bring a smile to someones face is enough for me. I really don’t want to delve into someone’s head to find out what they may or may not be thinking. That’s what I used to do !

Its just me and how I think and feel about myself. The realm I can control.

I am doing the right things, I am making the right decisions. Sometimes they turn out not to be right or the best decision, but it is something I am learning. Everything will fall into place, will occur and happen around me as long as I know in myself that it has been done in the best interests and for all the right reasons. I can live, walk and breath with no regrets.

 

Whether she sees, believes, wants me back. I for the longest time thought it was what made me, that it was a measure somehow. I’m ok even in this time and space I occupy now.

I’ll be who I am. I know the person I am striving to be, the person I want to be. That is the path I am going to stay on. Thank you for the encouragement FlyingHigh.

 

As for my daughters CD, yeah they are in Mp3 format, I just love finding that song that I can just add to it. I mean after reading that book, its her primary love language !

Receiving gifts, even something as simple as an mp3 song.

My son is a different kettle of fish to work out. I’m working on it though [FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT]

 

My mission now has been to adjust how I’m approaching things.

Enough has been said, enough has been done, enough has been conveyed.

She needs to do what she needs to do, to get on with life.

Myself, I am taking the steps moving forward. My kids are my priority as is myself. I will always care and love her but I cant put so much emphasis on it.

I know its been at the point where its been doing more harm and damage.

 

She has asked if I have met anyone. All I can say is not while I have so much to sort out. I don’t want to be back in a place where I can only think of how much I need someone. It will be as equals. someone I am standing side by side with. Not behind or in front.

I know what I want in life. Yes there is the dating and meeting new people eventually down the track, if that’s what happens in life.

But ultimately, I do want to fall in love again. I want a life partner to walk with. If that doesn’t happen, that’s life and I can still have my head up high as well [FONT=Wingdings][/FONT]

 

Friends with females I will always be cautious of. Its an understanding I come to terms with, especially with what I did with my affairs. I even see for myself how much things have changed in my perspectives. How I view situations and things.

There was another female I was emailing with, her responses have been very bland, but over time she’s come to be quite friendly. She eventually commented how well I looked on certain days, how nice my hair was etc etc.

As soon as I realized the ring on her finger, warning lights hit. I’ve stopped the emailing, if I see her in person, I am polite and nice as I was. I wasn’t looking for anything but being a nice guy. DEFINITELY not wanting to play.

I look at this decision I have made, I think over it and I know I did right. Before I would have just put it off lightly or not have put much thought into it. Actions have a reaction no matter how it turns out, as so many people know, this lesson I have learned the hard way.

[Dad_of_3]

Thanks FH for your recomendation reading this thread. I think DO3 should read mine ...22 yr marriage unsalvageable too. Just so he sees what an impact peoples actions really have on everyone...

 

DO3 you sound alot like my h/. trying everything to get back your wife. I think sometimes people wake up when it's too late..too much damage has been done. I don't want to sound bitter.

 

I really wish you the best out of life, afterall we are all human, we all have desires, wants & needs. It just makes me sad to see how much hurt poor decisions can make to so many people.

 

Hi lisa,

 

I have read over your thread and I just want to say, my heart broke as i read on. It has been tough on you. In fact you are right. Your H and I have alot of similarities, alot.

His behaviour, his actions, how he has expressed things. Its mirrored.

You can only try so hard on the surface but really its just paper thin unless you mean it.

 

I dont know him, or whats going through his head, but it is all a facade that will one day may or may not drop.

 

I can and do see the impact what this has done. I will not shirk it, I will not look away from it any longer. I'm here to take ownership for what I have done and do the best I can in a situation that is just really messed up.

 

I know my stbxw didnt ask for such a screw up of a guy when we met and committed to each other. I've made my mistakes and paid the ultimate price. What now ?

I could have continued to just blind myself to it all, sat down and wallowed in my continued misery or learn and build on it. My life is in rubble.

But I'll use what I have to make the best foundation that I can, even if it is pieces of the rubble. All the pieces cant all be bad, I see some strength in those pieces.

 

My greatest wish would be to turn back time and redo everything with the knowledge I have know in my head and heart. But I cant, thats life.

I still do think the events that have unfolded would not have made me the person I am now. Would I have wanted all this to have happen? An emphatic NO.

 

I dont take your comments as bitter. You are right, we are all human at the end of the day. We make mistakes, we have to move on with life, cause it aint stopping for anyone.

 

I've got what ? 30? maybe 40 years on this god given earth. When its all said and done, I dont control that. God does.

But what I do want is to live each and every day with no regrets and know I did the best I can with the rest of my life as a father and the person who I am.

[FlyingHigh]

Do3,

 

You are starting to walk the talk...(I think that's how the pharse goes...sorry if I killed it:laugh: )

I for the longest time thought it was what made me, that it was a measure somehow. I’m ok even in this time and space I occupy now.

I’ll be who I am. I know the person I am striving to be, the person I want to be. That is the path I am going to stay on. Thank you for the encouragement FlyingHigh.

Amazing isn't how letting go of certain expectations can be such a relief? It allows a person to see things they would not otherwise see...the "unreligiously" spiritual side of them....the human spirit.

 

Your quote says it all...

My mission now has been to adjust how I’m approaching things.

Enough has been said, enough has been done, enough has been conveyed.

She needs to do what she needs to do, to get on with life.

Part of the adjustments you have made is simply a process of GROWTH which most people don't realize as they are making changes. But once you DECIDED to "adjust" your sails rather than changing the direction of the wind which you or anyone can't unless they're God, you have changed the direction of your life. GROWTH IS OPTIONAL and you opted for it....Good job!!

 

As long as you continue to make adjustments to your sails as you continue to sail, things will fall into place. I think you are beginning to see it just by your mere acceptance of your wife that "She needs to do what she needs to do, to get on with life." This is a big transition mentally because you are "slowly" finding contentment and peace within yourself and possibly without her. And whether you are aware of it or not, this will be YOUR GIFT to yourself which is immeasureable. Value it.

 

As for the "friendly" female friends...

As soon as I realized the ring on her finger, warning lights hit. I’ve stopped the emailing, if I see her in person, I am polite and nice as I was. I wasn’t looking for anything but being a nice guy.

Yep this is exactly what I meant....

Just "being nice" to someone of the opposite sex somehow it is automatically assumed you've opened the door to come in and "play". I've had married men (yep...with their rings on) hand me their business cards with their cell# and scribbled notes on the back enticing me to call and meet with them. I've even been offered stays at exclusive hotels/inn they manage/own. Like you, while it may be flattering, it's both an insult to me and their wives.

 

Having experienced being the one cheated on, things like this seem more obvious. And I'm just amazed and in disbelief how married people can calously do what they do behind their spouses' back....Sad...

 

Take care Do3. You will be fine...better than you've ever been.

[ilmw]

Do3,

 

You are starting to walk the talk...(I think that's how the pharse goes...sorry if I killed it:laugh: )

 

Amazing isn't how letting go of certain expectations can be such a relief? It allows a person to see things they would not otherwise see...the "unreligiously" spiritual side of them....the human spirit.

 

Your quote says it all...

 

Part of the adjustments you have made is simply a process of GROWTH which most people don't realize as they are making changes. But once you DECIDED to "adjust" your sails rather than changing the direction of the wind which you or anyone can't unless they're God, you have changed the direction of your life. GROWTH IS OPTIONAL and you opted for it....Good job!!

 

As long as you continue to make adjustments to your sails as you continue to sail, things will fall into place. I think you are beginning to see it just by your mere acceptance of your wife that "She needs to do what she needs to do, to get on with life." This is a big transition mentally because you are "slowly" finding contentment and peace within yourself and possibly without her. And whether you are aware of it or not, this will be YOUR GIFT to yourself which is immeasureable. Value it.

 

As for the "friendly" female friends...

 

Yep this is exactly what I meant....

Just "being nice" to someone of the opposite sex somehow it is automatically assumed you've opened the door to come in and "play". I've had married men (yep...with their rings on) hand me their business cards with their cell# and scribbled notes on the back enticing me to call and meet with them. I've even been offered stays at exclusive hotels/inn they manage/own. Like you, while it may be flattering, it's both an insult to me and their wives.

 

Having experienced being the one cheated on, things like this seem more obvious. And I'm just amazed and in disbelief how married people can calously do what they do behind their spouses' back....Sad...

 

Take care Do3. You will be fine...better than you've ever been.

 

Its so true... once you make a conscious effort to adjust your attitude and take the time to reflect and realise that the sun does not shine out of our arses... we are not perfect and we have our own little defects..

 

Once we admit to ourselves we think we "have issues" we can then do something about it....

 

Once we do something about it.. and believe there has been a "actual" change... it can feel very uplifting.

 

Its true... it does sound like you are consistant... this is a good thing... Keep it up.

 

Enjoy the sunshine...

ilmw