Going through hell....

[PWSX3]

Thanks DO3 for another good song. I find myself listening to the words a lot more then I used, because there are good listens in the words.

 

It is a new year and we need to all look at it as a new beginning to our life.

 

If you ask me it's a second chance, might not be with our spouses but a second chance for "US" to become better people. I have to say all of us that realize that we are the ones that can make a difference in who we are and how we want others to see us will be such better people in 2007 and that includes you my friend.

 

In 2007 if you have a chance to try something new, DO IT! What's the worse thing that can happen, you might like it???

[Dad_of_3]

Thanks guys.

 

PWSX3, my pleasure. I know what you mean about the music.

One of the things that have gotten me through this time has been the music.

The songs I choose, each and every one of them express some feeling or emotion that stirs in me.

I'll have plenty more to post up as we travel along

 

Well I have kept something in reserve for so long. To think it over before I posted.

One thing that was causing friction was the fact I was speaking to my brother, whilst her best friend is my Sister-in-law. So you see a problem straight off the bat!

So rather than cause problems, I backed off. I have not spoken to my brother nor stbxw. I'm going on with my life.

I get a phone call out of the blue from my brother letting me know what stbxw has been saying about me. I have been rude, disrepectful and hateful to her. Hmmmmm, I wonder, for everytime I have any interaction with her has been change over of the kids. I am never anything but all smiles and happy.

Yeah I will admit, I do get angry, but thats away in my own space to learn from. Never in front of stbxw nor my children.

She played hard ball last time we changed over in regards to some financial issues. Last thing I did before I said something I would regret was, "I need time to think about it " I left with a smile on my face, blowing kisses to my kids.

Now it just comes about all this. I dont know what she is playing at, and quite frankly I really could care less.

If she chooses to paint me in such a bad light then there is nothing I can do about it. All I know is how I am in myself and my children know how I am.

If there's issues we talk, issues with mum, I encourage them to talk to her.

I will not be drawn into a spiteful and hateful ending of this.

I want nothing more than to come to the table and sort this out.

The finality of my marriage and any ties with stbxw.

At the end of the day, she is the mother of my children, that I will never forget nor disrespect.

But to honest other than that, I hope she has a great and happy life.

I make the choice not to be a part of it.

As sad as that sounds, for the simple fact that the person in the here and now is not the person I grew up, fell in love with, raised a family with.

Dont get me wrong, I will assume and accept my part in the problems and dissolution of my relationship.

I did wrong, I made bad choices and face up to them.

Do the crime, do the time. But I wont dwell on it, let it state who it is or who I am.

I am who I am.

 

Evolve, adjust, learn and move on.

 

It can be that simple ... choices !

[Dad_of_3]

Relagated to page 3 ... wow.

 

Been a bit busy I guess.

So much to do with moving on with life post-stbxw.

 

Just dropped the kids off to stbxw. Happy to leave with the kids knowing how much I love them and miss them everyday.

Taught my daughter "Pretty Woman" this weekend. Love it

Miss them already, tears down my eyes as I headed home. I hate leaving them, I hate departing them. But this is the hand I got dealt, I dealt myself, whatever spin you put on it, But I'll play it.

I must admit, you asked me just 3 months ago if times makes things better, they do. Not only time but the choice to let go of the fear of life going on whether alone or not. Its nothing to be scared of, just like going skydiving.

Letting go of that inate fear and embracing all the facts that the plane is gone and thats left in front of you is the earth beneath you. There's nothing else. Enjoy it while you can, because it wont last forever.

 

I've booked my motorbike course last week. I look forward to that with anticipation. How liberated and free to jump on a bike and hit the highway. One more thing to tick off my list. LOL

 

I offer to all the people going through one of the toughest times in their lives. It will past with time, you'll be stronger, you'll be wiser and yes better for it.

No matter what situation has brought you here to this board, no matter what choices have been made, whether in your control or not.

There is clear skies ahead, it wont kill you, embrace it with open eyes, choose to take the blinkers off and take the good with the bad.

Once you accept that fact of life, it will open up a whole new playing field.

 

Happy living !

[ilmw]

Relagated to page 3 ... wow.

 

Been a bit busy I guess.

So much to do with moving on with life post-stbxw.

 

Just dropped the kids off to stbxw. Happy to leave with the kids knowing how much I love them and miss them everyday.

Taught my daughter "Pretty Woman" this weekend. Love it

Miss them already, tears down my eyes as I headed home. I hate leaving them, I hate departing them. But this is the hand I got dealt, I dealt myself, whatever spin you put on it, But I'll play it.

I must admit, you asked me just 3 months ago if times makes things better, they do. Not only time but the choice to let go of the fear of life going on whether alone or not. Its nothing to be scared of, just like going skydiving.

Letting go of that inate fear and embracing all the facts that the plane is gone and thats left in front of you is the earth beneath you. There's nothing else. Enjoy it while you can, because it wont last forever.

 

I've booked my motorbike course last week. I look forward to that with anticipation. How liberated and free to jump on a bike and hit the highway. One more thing to tick off my list. LOL

 

I offer to all the people going through one of the toughest times in their lives. It will past with time, you'll be stronger, you'll be wiser and yes better for it.

No matter what situation has brought you here to this board, no matter what choices have been made, whether in your control or not.

There is clear skies ahead, it wont kill you, embrace it with open eyes, choose to take the blinkers off and take the good with the bad.

Once you accept that fact of life, it will open up a whole new playing field.

 

Happy living !

 

Motor cycles... in Australia... are you nuts....

 

I have seen the Mad Max Movies... You Aussies are crazy drivers... running each other off the road... and causing horrendous accidents. People living in armed compounds for mutual defence... against the bands of roaming hoards. (Kinda like footy hooligans)

 

Besides... where would you really be able to drive a motorcycle?? Australia is just all dirt roads... and beaches...

 

..... but of course you know I am just kidding!

 

Sounds like another great step... to where you want to be..

 

I for one would never... get on one of those contraptions. Seen to many mangled people... cause someone else... made a mistake...

 

But that is just me... (... and this is coming from a guy who... is going to jump from a plain in the spring)

 

I have done some crazy ass stuff in my life... one of them is managing to keep all my body parts.

 

Have fun Do3... and drop in more... then you won't take 1/2 an hour trying to find your own thread as it has been relagated to pg 3..

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Motor cycles... in Australia... are you nuts....

 

I have seen the Mad Max Movies... You Aussies are crazy drivers... running each other off the road... and causing horrendous accidents. People living in armed compounds for mutual defence... against the bands of roaming hoards. (Kinda like footy hooligans)

 

Besides... where would you really be able to drive a motorcycle?? Australia is just all dirt roads... and beaches...

 

 

..... but of course you know I am just kidding!

 

Sounds like another great step... to where you want to be..

 

I for one would never... get on one of those contraptions. Seen to many mangled people... cause someone else... made a mistake...

That's why you ride in the mountains, then if you crash it's your own fault and besides the rocks are a lot softer then asphalt.

But that is just me... (... and this is coming from a guy who... is going to jump from a plain in the spring)

You guys much have a lot bigger cahoonas then I do because I just can't see jumping out of something that is in perfect condition. I would much rather drive along a shelf road with a drop off that would give you a thrill ride of your life but at least I have a roof over my head and a seatbelt.

I have done some crazy ass stuff in my life... one of them is managing to keep all my body parts.

 

Have fun Do3... and drop in more... then you won't take 1/2 an hour trying to find your own thread as it has been relagated to pg 3..

 

ilmw

 

Good to hear Do3, looks like you are doing well. As for missing the kids there is a reason you miss them, that means you really do care for them & it also makes you appreciate the time you do have with them.

 

It really makes me feel good to hear the success stories such as yours, it just shows people that if you really do want to make yourself a better person and you want to put the work into it that it can be done & there are rewards when you are done with all the hard work.

[FlyingHigh]

Like I said, this year is nothing but an opportunity to be taken.

Make EVERY DAY an opportunity to be taken.

 

Each ONE of us are given the SAME gift every day...same amount of hours, minutes and seconds. We see the same sun at sunrise and sunset no matter what part of the universe you're from. What we do with this gift is up to each of us. We can either f*** it up or make it meaningful for ourselves and others.

 

Do3, glad to see you are sailing so well. You seem more calm and at peace.

 

And you ARE making EVERY DAY an opportunity. :bunny:

[dropdeadlegs]

Wow, you directed someone to this thread and I have just read all 206 posts, and a lot of them were lengthy. It took over three hours to read and I should have been in bed many hours ago, but I was enthralled - it was a good read. Seeing a story unfold and watching a man go form one person to somebody completely different, and much more likable I might add in a relatively short period of time was nice. Seeing growth take place one day and one step at a time, it was refreshing in a forum that often deals with the ugliness of human frailty and human nature. I feel better for having read your story because it has it's own happy ending, while I acknowledge this is actually only the beginning.

 

If I may, I'd like to make a few comments about the dissolution of your marriage. Your stbxw is still simmering in anger and probably a certain amount of despair. The OG may be feeding a certain need, but she doesn't seem to be very happy in general. Yes you had affairs, but she had at least one herself. It is rare to find a broken marriage where one person was perfect and all the defects can be blamed on the other partner. Everybody gets some blame most of the time. If I understand things, she doesn't work full time, doesn't want her husband, yet feels entitled to keep the exact same lifestyle with the exception that she wants you to take the children every weekend so that she can cavort with friends and OG. She needs time away from them to herself. Sorry, but you need time for yourself too. You work full time and evenings after work have chores and errands to take care of. You should have a weekend to maintain friendships and eventually encourage a possible future relationship too. She is entitled to live in the nice house forever while you live with your parents? Nope, it just doesn't work that way.

 

I say this as a divorced parent who was betrayed in a really bad way. My XH cheated on me in the worst possible way. He betrayed not only me but our children, and most importantly my daughter from my prior marriage. XH decided to do a little touchy feely on MY daughter one night while I was shopping at Toys R Us. I was a stay at home mother, and needless to say my entire world changed completely overnight. My daughter was the ripe age of 13 at the time. Neither of us ever saw it coming, talk about a 2 X 4 right up the side of my head.

 

But I didn't cry to him about how he owed me anything in the way of maintaining my previous lifestyle, I got busy taking care of business. I got a full time job that I despised, put our two young children (2 and 5) in a daycare, maintained and repaired my home in any way needed to make it marketable and sell fast, sold the place, moved to a much smaller rental mobile home, and only had two overnight breaks from my kids in 18 months. Tell your stbxw to call me if she wants to cry. I did plenty of it. I literally cried myself a river and started sailing one tough current. No going to the gym and what not. I WAS very angry for a long time, and I did cry to those who loved me about my "entitlement" to a much better life, but not to him. He didn't get visits with his kids unless they were supervised and with no family here to do that supervision, he got a few measly hours with them under my nose whenever he wanted, but he chose not to have many of those either. 18 months after our separation and ultimate divorce he died in a boating accident. He may as well have been boating in my aforementioned river of tears. Karma, never underestimate karma. Do I sound bitter? I am having a moment of bitter reflection in all honesty.

 

So, now I truly have my precious babies (now 6 and 9, as well as my nearly 18 year old daughter) all the time, every weekend. And somehow I have managed to forge a life that isn't half bad. I don't get much away time, but don't really need much. I have a BF that accepts that I am a package deal, and still a pretty good deal at that. It took awhile to find that special someone who was willing to be a huge part of my children's lives in order to be a huge part of mine, and that is a very satisfying thing. My children really adore him.

 

What you are doing with and for your kids is so admirable. I really think you have managed that part better than the average father. I have seen too many divorced fathers take more interest in their own lives and shoo away the most precious gift one is ever given. the kids are just too much responsibility for them, they don't know how to actually function as a true parent. Maybe it shouldn't have to be said and should more often simply take place everywhere, but I commend that you are making them your biggest priority. Too often their needs fall by the wayside. Your stbxw could learn from your example. I know I don't know the whole story, but maybe the kids would like more weekend "down" time with her as well as evidenced by the "your more fun than Mummy" comment. Weekdays are so full of structure. I'm sorry that your daughter caught wind of your indiscretion, and I do believe that sometimes they hear things that were never meant for their ears and it was surely accidental. Other parents talk and a friend could have overheard a conversation their parents had, who knows.

 

I have read some of the books you are reading. "The Five Love Languages" gave a lot of perception. I read it and I am highly a physical touch lady, with words of affirmation coming in a distant, but notable second. I asked my BF to simply take the test, and his scores in all areas were nearly identical to mine. Since we speak the same "language" I have found this to be the most rewarding relationship I have ever been in. I can now see that in the past my SO's definitely were speaking other languages! I have "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, too, and that was something that was helpful. I get on better not being so focused on minor things when my thoughts can be so much better on the big stuff I have more control over. I'm actually becoming quite the self help junkie. Some find him irritating and obvious, but Dr. Phil often speaks to me too, I will have to read some of his writings.

 

Wow, jumping out of a plane when you have a fear of that. How empowering! I would love to do that. There has been a lot of talk on daytime talk shows about making a life list. I used to have one with just 10 things on it that I carried in my wallet. Several years ago I threw it away because I recognized that many of the important things to me as an 18 year old girl did not carry the same importance. I had changed. I should make a new list for the 42 year old woman I have become. I would be happy to do just 10 important things in what's left of my life.

 

Music. I cannot express how important it is to my life, no matter what stage I am in. Linkin Park is my angry music in general. Guns N Roses is my attitude music (high strung good attitude), and many country tunes are my crying in my beer fare. Jazz is about happy solitude for me. Classical is just sheer beauty in life. Where would I be without music? I don't want to imagine.

 

I feel like I've talked too much about me, but they are just thoughts after reading such insightful stuff, it made me reflect on where I was, where I am, and where I am going and would like to go. I first saw one of your posts on another thread we both contributed to and when I saw the link to your story tonight I just thought it might be nice to get to know more of your insight. I got to see the first time you saw the adjusting your sails bit which is so profound and wise. It was a good night and if i hang in a little longer (two hours) I can send my kids off to school and get a bit of rest. I no longer work at that job I hated, but that's a whole other thread.

 

You were very honest in this thread. You didn't have to give so much information and could have kept less than perfect thoughts and behaviors to yourself. I'm glad you didn't. Keep up the positive changes and good work. Share what you have learned as often as possible. Best wishes!

[Dad_of_3]

Motor cycles... in Australia... are you nuts....

 

I have seen the Mad Max Movies... You Aussies are crazy drivers... running each other off the road... and causing horrendous accidents. People living in armed compounds for mutual defence... against the bands of roaming hoards. (Kinda like footy hooligans)

 

Besides... where would you really be able to drive a motorcycle?? Australia is just all dirt roads... and beaches...

 

..... but of course you know I am just kidding!

 

Sounds like another great step... to where you want to be..

 

I for one would never... get on one of those contraptions. Seen to many mangled people... cause someone else... made a mistake...

 

But that is just me... (... and this is coming from a guy who... is going to jump from a plain in the spring)

 

I have done some crazy ass stuff in my life... one of them is managing to keep all my body parts.

 

Have fun Do3... and drop in more... then you won't take 1/2 an hour trying to find your own thread as it has been relagated to pg 3..

 

ilmw

 

LOL ... oh yeah a MOTORBIKE !

Hang on, I have to load up my shottie to fend of the deranged nomads ... LOL

Hey I wouldnt knock Australia, I'll sick "Skippy" onto you (Might have to google that one .. hehe)

Definitely something I want to do. Friends ride, and the appeal to jump on and tear away on the freeway out of civilisation for some time to myself at any time is just plain fun. NSW definitely has some awesome coastline and I cant wait to explore every inch of it when the mood takes me.

I've already promised the kids no crazy driving or stunts. That is until I get a 1000cc. Just kidding, as I tell my kids.

I've been off really enjoying the time spent lately, that is except for work.

Work is a means to an end as I see it now. My life doesnt revolve around work, something I am slowly coming to grips with.

Looking for a possible career change, but that will come in time when everything settles down.

 

Time sure does fly when you are immersed in real life and with real people, even on here.

 

Happy living ilmw

 

P.s Watch out for Skippy ... LOL

[Dad_of_3]

That's why you ride in the mountains, then if you crash it's your own fault and besides the rocks are a lot softer then asphalt.

 

[/b] You guys much have a lot bigger cahoonas then I do because I just can't see jumping out of something that is in perfect condition. I would much rather drive along a shelf road with a drop off that would give you a thrill ride of your life but at least I have a roof over my head and a seatbelt.

 

 

Good to hear Do3, looks like you are doing well. As for missing the kids there is a reason you miss them, that means you really do care for them & it also makes you appreciate the time you do have with them.

 

It really makes me feel good to hear the success stories such as yours, it just shows people that if you really do want to make yourself a better person and you want to put the work into it that it can be done & there are rewards when you are done with all the hard work.

 

Thanks P, the hardest thing these days is the kids. I mean missing them everyday is just a killer. Things will remind me of them throughout the day and that is when it hurts the most.

I know I cant roll back time to give them the perfect life and family, but I cant help wish that.

My only action is to make the most of it each and every day with each and every action.

 

Thansk for the vote of confidence but I wouldnt exactly call myself a success story just yet. I've only taken baby steps on this long journey and will continue to do so. No way am I gonna stop, not for the worlds riches ...

 

Oh come on P, never say never ! You just never know what you are capable of until you really challenge yourself.

Its not fear that holds you back, its not fear you are staring at when you step up. Its you that you stare at when you take that plunge. I look forward to doing it again with friends

52 days and counting to Motorbike school

[Dad_of_3]

Wow, you directed someone to this thread and I have just read all 206 posts, and a lot of them were lengthy. It took over three hours to read and I should have been in bed many hours ago, but I was enthralled - it was a good read. Seeing a story unfold and watching a man go form one person to somebody completely different, and much more likable I might add in a relatively short period of time was nice. Seeing growth take place one day and one step at a time, it was refreshing in a forum that often deals with the ugliness of human frailty and human nature. I feel better for having read your story because it has it's own happy ending, while I acknowledge this is actually only the beginning.

 

I'd like to first say thank you legs. I have been very humbled by your post. I've re-read your post that you have written several times now. Sat down in reflection over it. Thought about it, contemplated over it. This post meant alot to me. As much as I have 'grown' over time, I know I will continue to do so. Its a fact of life. When I started accepting those facts, boy was I in for a rude but pleasant shock.

I must apologise for immersing you in the thread and staying up to the wee hours of the morning but in turn, thank you for your very kind words.

 

If I may, I'd like to make a few comments about the dissolution of your marriage. Your stbxw is still simmering in anger and probably a certain amount of despair. The OG may be feeding a certain need, but she doesn't seem to be very happy in general. Yes you had affairs, but she had at least one herself. It is rare to find a broken marriage where one person was perfect and all the defects can be blamed on the other partner. Everybody gets some blame most of the time. If I understand things, she doesn't work full time, doesn't want her husband, yet feels entitled to keep the exact same lifestyle with the exception that she wants you to take the children every weekend so that she can cavort with friends and OG. She needs time away from them to herself. Sorry, but you need time for yourself too. You work full time and evenings after work have chores and errands to take care of. You should have a weekend to maintain friendships and eventually encourage a possible future relationship too. She is entitled to live in the nice house forever while you live with your parents? Nope, it just doesn't work that way.

 

You've hit alot of nails with what you have written. even to the point now she still expects things to be her way. I've really tried to abide by what she has wanted and kept away from her, but yet when the need for her to make arrangements that suit her, she puts it in such a way that I am a bad father.

For instance, Last year she worked Monday evenings. I was more than happy to take the children over night and then drop them off at school. Yet now, her work day has changed to a Tuesday and she nows wants me to take the children on the Tuesday evenings.

I've informed her I can't ... why?

On Tuesday's I have my guitar lesson and on occasion my counsellors appointment before. I already know I cant reschedule either as I have already checked into it. But she has this firm belief that I am saying no to be difficult or out of spite to her. She will even bring up the fact that it maybe because I dont want to see my children.

I keep quiet, I will not be lulled into confrontation with her. Its just simple, I'm sorry I can't and will not modify my life around arrangements that just suit her.

She even has said is it because she is with someone else now and I dont like that. All I could think of at the time and what I said was " Oh get over yourself. You think you are all that? "

For a split second I couldnt believe she put that in my face. I know in my mind there is no more need to go down that path with her anymore. Its just my opinion and at the end of the day, I am wasting my time and energy on her. I CHOOSE not to do that.

Slowly but surely definitely learning how to say NO.

 

I say this as a divorced parent who was betrayed in a really bad way. My XH cheated on me in the worst possible way. He betrayed not only me but our children, and most importantly my daughter from my prior marriage. XH decided to do a little touchy feely on MY daughter one night while I was shopping at Toys R Us. I was a stay at home mother, and needless to say my entire world changed completely overnight. My daughter was the ripe age of 13 at the time. Neither of us ever saw it coming, talk about a 2 X 4 right up the side of my head.

 

Legs, my heart and empathy go to you. I am so sorry to hear such horror. I dont know what to say but that evil exists sometimes where we least expect it. You faced it though and from your writing and thoughts have conquered a heck of a lot. For that I commend you.

 

But I didn't cry to him about how he owed me anything in the way of maintaining my previous lifestyle, I got busy taking care of business. I got a full time job that I despised, put our two young children (2 and 5) in a daycare, maintained and repaired my home in any way needed to make it marketable and sell fast, sold the place, moved to a much smaller rental mobile home, and only had two overnight breaks from my kids in 18 months. Tell your stbxw to call me if she wants to cry. I did plenty of it. I literally cried myself a river and started sailing one tough current. No going to the gym and what not. I WAS very angry for a long time, and I did cry to those who loved me about my "entitlement" to a much better life, but not to him. He didn't get visits with his kids unless they were supervised and with no family here to do that supervision, he got a few measly hours with them under my nose whenever he wanted, but he chose not to have many of those either. 18 months after our separation and ultimate divorce he died in a boating accident. He may as well have been boating in my aforementioned river of tears. Karma, never underestimate karma. Do I sound bitter? I am having a moment of bitter reflection in all honesty.

 

This is just inspiring to hear. I truly appauld you from what you have come from to the position you are in now. You got busy and got to work. No sitting down for you, its always good to see fellow folk now on that path in life. You did it tough, and I am sure when you look back on it now, would you have it any other way?

I know in my course, I wouldnt ...

Karma? Oh yeah! You pay her, her due cause she will come to collect and collect big. Cause she doesnt come alone, she comes with harsh Reality. I've said in previous threads before I was never a big believer in 'things happening for a reason' but with everything that has happened over the course of my life. Opening up that possibility that it is, its like a hard knock to the head.

One of my favourite TV shows ... My name is Earl.

I love it, never miss an episode of it ! " ... I'm just trying to be a better person." LOL

 

So, now I truly have my precious babies (now 6 and 9, as well as my nearly 18 year old daughter) all the time, every weekend. And somehow I have managed to forge a life that isn't half bad. I don't get much away time, but don't really need much. I have a BF that accepts that I am a package deal, and still a pretty good deal at that. It took awhile to find that special someone who was willing to be a huge part of my children's lives in order to be a huge part of mine, and that is a very satisfying thing. My children really adore him.

 

You are where you wanted to be! Didnt happen by chance or fate. You are where you chose to be and for that I am inspired from what you wrote here. I truly think its fantastic to hear happiness and personal well being. You go girl!

 

What you are doing with and for your kids is so admirable. I really think you have managed that part better than the average father. I have seen too many divorced fathers take more interest in their own lives and shoo away the most precious gift one is ever given. the kids are just too much responsibility for them, they don't know how to actually function as a true parent. Maybe it shouldn't have to be said and should more often simply take place everywhere, but I commend that you are making them your biggest priority. Too often their needs fall by the wayside. Your stbxw could learn from your example. I know I don't know the whole story, but maybe the kids would like more weekend "down" time with her as well as evidenced by the "your more fun than Mummy" comment. Weekdays are so full of structure. I'm sorry that your daughter caught wind of your indiscretion, and I do believe that sometimes they hear things that were never meant for their ears and it was surely accidental. Other parents talk and a friend could have overheard a conversation their parents had, who knows.

 

They will be always the biggest highlight in my life. They will always be my biggest accomplishment in life. They will always be the biggest priority in my life. They may never know that, only I need to know that.

The ball is in her court when it comes to what time she spends with them. I will not be drawn into discussions about there mother. They here the facts about her, with a small dash of the fact that it is currently hard on her.

I will never disrespect or forget she is the mother to my children. Unless the kids health and safety are threaten I don't need to say anything more.

As for my daughter hearing of what I had done, for a time I was angry and consumed with how something liek this could happen.

I've come to the accpeting fact that there is nothing I can gain from that for the kids benefit. I am moving on and showing them each and every time they are with me, that there is so much more to the facets of there father. Not just centred on one event, although pivotal in there lives.

Its a "small thing" in the bigger scheme of things.

 

I have read some of the books you are reading. "The Five Love Languages" gave a lot of perception. I read it and I am highly a physical touch lady, with words of affirmation coming in a distant, but notable second. I asked my BF to simply take the test, and his scores in all areas were nearly identical to mine. Since we speak the same "language" I have found this to be the most rewarding relationship I have ever been in. I can now see that in the past my SO's definitely were speaking other languages! I have "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, too, and that was something that was helpful. I get on better not being so focused on minor things when my thoughts can be so much better on the big stuff I have more control over. I'm actually becoming quite the self help junkie. Some find him irritating and obvious, but Dr. Phil often speaks to me too, I will have to read some of his writings.

 

Reading still givesme insight into alot of things. Must admit I am still heavily into the Self-help stuff. Its incredible that things you take for granted like reading can give you such insight. I loved " 5 Love Languages " it was a true eye opener, even something I re-read over. A book I give to loved ones. " Don't Sweat the Small Stuff " I have a ritual to re-read 1 point each and everyday as a small reminder to myself. Another fantastic book.

As for Dr Phil, I still have not picked up that book since. It still frightens me a little. I truly feel like I am baring my soul .. and to the biggest critic in the world no less ... myself! In time, I remind myself.

 

Wow, jumping out of a plane when you have a fear of that. How empowering! I would love to do that. There has been a lot of talk on daytime talk shows about making a life list. I used to have one with just 10 things on it that I carried in my wallet. Several years ago I threw it away because I recognized that many of the important things to me as an 18 year old girl did not carry the same importance. I had changed. I should make a new list for the 42 year old woman I have become. I would be happy to do just 10 important things in what's left of my life.

 

And I'd do it again. For my kids, for myself. I still look to the sky from time to time and get chills in my body. A grin will appear from ear to ear as I understand what it was that I set out to do. I say go for it ! Take the leap ! The list is every evolving and growing with each and every passing day. I do need to set aside some time to put it into its own book. I'd like to continue to cross them off each and every time I continue to achieve them. As much as I look forward to crossing off travelling when I book my flight and travel to the US, which I am sure will have something else replace its place.

I'd love to hear what you would put on that list!

I frequent www.42things.com on occasion for inspiration. I dont steal the ideas but get inspired from some of the things people put down and accomplish!

 

Music. I cannot express how important it is to my life, no matter what stage I am in. Linkin Park is my angry music in general. Guns N Roses is my attitude music (high strung good attitude), and many country tunes are my crying in my beer fare. Jazz is about happy solitude for me. Classical is just sheer beauty in life. Where would I be without music? I don't want to imagine.

 

If music feeds the soul then I dont want to stop eating. It is within every facet of my life. I truly love it, I've embraced it.I agree with all your music tastes. Wherever I am, my ipod is with me.

Whether it be in the car blaring Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Thrice or Fuel to a relaxing Sunday listening to Norah Jones or Diana Krall.

One thing that has really astonished me of late in the last couple of months has been a lot of punk music. To some people the lyrics of these songs it is just simple music and a story, but to me, its the underlying theme or metaphor placed on it.To me its, who would of thought it hey? LOL

 

I feel like I've talked too much about me, but they are just thoughts after reading such insightful stuff, it made me reflect on where I was, where I am, and where I am going and would like to go. I first saw one of your posts on another thread we both contributed to and when I saw the link to your story tonight I just thought it might be nice to get to know more of your insight. I got to see the first time you saw the adjusting your sails bit which is so profound and wise. It was a good night and if i hang in a little longer (two hours) I can send my kids off to school and get a bit of rest. I no longer work at that job I hated, but that's a whole other thread.

 

I can only again thank you for such kind words. It has lifted me up so much. I do hope that day wasnt to hard on you, you where able to get the kids off to school and get some rest.

As for not working at the job you hated, would love to hear about that one day. Everyone has there own unique life story, I'm more than prepared now to hear them. The whole twist to listen, to truly listen is a reward in itself.

 

You were very honest in this thread. You didn't have to give so much information and could have kept less than perfect thoughts and behaviors to yourself. I'm glad you didn't. Keep up the positive changes and good work. Share what you have learned as often as possible. Best wishes!

 

I will continue to be. Like I have said, if just one person is inspired to change the course of there life, that is enough for me in this life.

If someone can see hope where there is none, I've accomplished to set out what to do by keeping this thread going.

These are just my thoughts, opinions and life experiences. It will keep happening whether I want them to or not. Difference is I choose to enjoy the ride!

 

Choices ... Happy living !

[Dad_of_3]

Make EVERY DAY an opportunity to be taken.

 

Each ONE of us are given the SAME gift every day...same amount of hours, minutes and seconds. We see the same sun at sunrise and sunset no matter what part of the universe you're from. What we do with this gift is up to each of us. We can either f*** it up or make it meaningful for ourselves and others.

 

Do3, glad to see you are sailing so well. You seem more calm and at peace.

 

And you ARE making EVERY DAY an opportunity. :bunny:

 

Aint it the truth ! from time to time I reflect and contemplate such a simple yet perplexing thing.

 

I am sailing Flyinghigh, sometimes bad weather comes, but its batten down the hatches and ride it out. There's always clear skies and calm water after.

 

Loving every day, I wish the same to each and every soul.

[ilmw]

Aint it the truth ! from time to time I reflect and contemplate such a simple yet perplexing thing.

 

I am sailing Flyinghigh, sometimes bad weather comes, but its batten down the hatches and ride it out. There's always clear skies and calm water after.

 

Loving every day, I wish the same to each and every soul.

 

Your starting to sound like a hippy...

 

:lmao::lmao:....

[Dad_of_3]

Your starting to sound like a hippy...

 

:lmao::lmao:....

 

I'll take that!

 

" Nomad, vagabond, Call me what you will .... "

 

If Hippy's are happy and high on life, then hell yes !

[Dad_of_3]

On a bit of a downer at the moment.

Yesterday was the first mediation meeting.

It feels awkward and strange.

I mean I was the one who got the ball rolling, as she had not made the calls to organise it.

Before it, during it and after it, it was all so draining.

We where able to come to some agreement in regards to arrangements with the kids which was a good thing.

I have something set in stone and hopefully some stability for the kids.

A hard fact but I'm also glad to hear was the mediator explain to stbxw that her proposal for arrangements for the kids was not reasonable for both parties and especially the children.

The way she had made it out was that I was only calling the children and taking them when I wanted to. Having told her that since there was never a reply from her from emails, sms's I would always be forced to call a couple of days before I would take them. I have always wanted to take them alternating weekends. If I could take them more I would. Just to hear it from her mouth about when it was convienent for me.

All I could think to myself was "Are you serious?" "Who the hell is this person?"

It infuriated and frustrated me to all hell. I would not let her get the best of me.

As it is now, I do not talk to her, I do not contact her, I really want nothing to do with her for all parties concerned.

Thats why it is such a relief that this is all going through. I see the tunnel at the end, but its still a long way to go.

In time, I'm down and pretty messed up at the moment. I acknowledge that. I hate this feeling I am in. I hate the thoughts that go through my head. I'm riding it out as usual but god its so friggin tough.

 

Just Venting ...

[Dad_of_3]

This song reflects the mood I'm in ...

Its from a little known aussie band the Sick Puppies.

 

My World

 

I'm not coming back

I'm not gonna react

I'm not doing **** for you

I'm not sitting around

While you're tearing it down around us

I'm not living a lie

While you swim in denial

'Cause you're already dead and gone

You'll leave me out on the curb

Just like everyone else before you

 

[Chorus]

Welcome to my world

Where everyone I ever need

Always ends up leaving me alone

Another lesson burned

And I'm drowning in the ashes

Kicking

Screaming

Welcome to my world

 

I don't care what you think

I'm not seeing a shrink

I'm not doing this again

I'm not another

Student or a mother

To take your **** out on

So let's see what you got

And let's see what you're not

And whatever else you pretend

You've defended my intentions

Long enough

 

[Chorus]

 

So here I am again

In the middle of the end

And the choice I wish I'd made

I always make too late

 

[Chorus]

[dropdeadlegs]

Hi Do3,

Yes, mediation is emotionally draining. It is bringing all the big and small stuff right back up to the surface, just when you have a handle on managing to keep much of it at bay to an extent.

 

Be strong and vent when you need to. Keep your priorities at the forefront. Know what you CAN bend on and what you CAN'T and stand firm. Many people see their children daily and have no real quality to that time. You know that quantity isn't the same as quality, and quality is what your kids are getting from you.

 

This month marks a landmark in time for you. Think back to one year ago and be proud of how you've changed and who you've become. In other words, try to see some good at a time when it's not in the forefront, and all the pain is once again taking a leading role. Soon this too shall pass and this storm must be weathered in order to see clear skies once again.

 

We're out here rooting for you and here to listen to the jumbled feelings that are bound to arise. Even conflict only makes us stronger in the long run.

[Very_Confused]

"Music is the gateway to your soul, the key to your mind and the soundtrack of your life."

 

Sometimes other people are just able to put your feelings into words better than you ever could.

 

My musical tastes are all over the board. I have several playlists on my Ipod, depending on my mood. One that I listen to most often includes songs from Linkin Park, Fuel, 3 Doors Down, Nicklelback, Evanescence, Trust Company, Hinder, Staind, Crossfade, Hoobastank, Lifehouse, My Chemical Romance and yes even Rascall Flats, Lonestar, Michael Bolton, Toni Braxton and Mariah Carey.

[Very_Confused]

For you Dad_of_3:

 

Smile by Lonestar

 

I still remember the night we met

You said you loved my smile

But your love for me was like a summer breeze

Oh, it lasted for a while

I could hold on a little tighter I know

But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go, so

 

I'm gonna smile

'Cause I want to make you happy

Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile

 

Kiss me once for the good times, baby

Kiss me twice for goodbye

You can't help how you don't feel

And it doesn't matter why

Give me a chance to bow out gracefully

'Cause that's how I want you to remember me

 

I'm gonna smile

'Cause I want to make you happy

Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile

 

I'm gonna smile

So you can find the courage

Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile.

 

Keep on Smiling Dad_of_3, you're doing great!

[Dad_of_3]

So much has happened of late.

Good and bad ... such a balance is life.

 

I'll post more later when i get home.

 

One great awesome piece of news is that I have secured my own place and am moving in tomorrow !

 

 

On the up and up

[PWSX3]

So much has happened of late.

Good and bad ... such a balance is life.

 

I'll post more later when i get home.

 

One great awesome piece of news is that I have secured my own place and am moving in tomorrow !

 

 

On the up and up

You didn't get into trouble with the law & your new place is a little 8X10 jail cell is it????????? :D:laugh::lmao::p:p:p

 

Looking forward to hearing what's been going on, good or bad and way to go with getting your own place. Big party at DO3's house in a week or so. :laugh:

[ilmw]

WELL??....we are.... waiting.

[ilmw]

So much has happened of late.

Good and bad ... such a balance is life.

 

I'll post more later when i get home.

 

One great awesome piece of news is that I have secured my own place and am moving in tomorrow !

 

 

On the up and up

 

 

You haven't joined one of those new age free love communes in the Outback, have you??

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:....

 

ilmw

[Dad_of_3]

The nerve, the cheek! LOL

 

No nothing like that at all. I'm being a good citizen!

Although some of my behaviour when out with friends night border on disturbing the peace. LOL. Just kidding.

 

Well so much certainly has happened since I last wrote, its just amazing how things bounce from one thing to another. My life, the kids, old and new friends, work, its so much flowing than what I have been used to.

As things change and evolve in my life, I have no option but to embrace it and kick on tough. No way am I going to let things get me too far down. ITs all only just beginning but what a journey I have traveled so far.

 

As most people would have read now, I have started mediation to settle things in regards to the children and finances. I will say this, its one hell of a emotional process.

To be in the same room with this person I have known close to half my life and disect certain parts of our lives, its tough. We've trialed arrangements for the children to see how to best work with them. All I can think of in regards to them is as long as they realise I am here for them and that I love them very much.

This Wednesday is mediation for finances. House, assests, debts etc etc.

All I know is stbxw has pulled a real tough number on me. She says she does not want to hold up the process, but its not financially viable for her to move out. All I could think of was .. and its convienent for me to live with my parents? Frustrating to say the least.

How she puts it, I pay the mortgage so I forgo Child support, which mind you the mortgage is a larger sum by far. I have lived with this arrangement as I agreed to it in the mist of everything last year. Now, I just cant do that financially and afford to provide a home for the kids and myself. I hope the house sells sooner than later.

All I can think about in this mediation process is to remind myself to take a step back before I agree to anything. I need to have think over it before I make final decisions in regards to my children future as well as my own.

 

Biggest downer was stbxw view on how she would like things to go. Even to this poitn there are times where I defend her from the people I know. I guess some things die hard but its something I am slowly coming to grips with. Alot of close friends and famiy tell me when I talk with them, that what she is doing is manipulative in a way with the children. One very wise friend gave me a perspective that she brings my love of my children in to break my defenses that I have worked damn hard to build against her. She uses this to get what she would like me to agree with. From taking a step back, I can see that she does to a degree. Whether she is aware of it or not, its not ok.

Our last child transfer did not go accordingly at all. We talked a bit which is definitely out of left field.

I have chosen the path of wanting nothing further to do with her. She takes that as cold and rude. I take it as impartial and businesslike. I do nto like the person who I am dealing with at all. I do so for the sake of my children and that is all that is on the table. I do changeover as respectful and civil but I really do not want anything further. She has this view that we can still have some sort of raport for the childrens sake. I can't, for my own sanity I cant, so I keep it to the bare minimum. I have thought of the children in this regard but for me I would prefer for them to see that dad is moving on as best as possible, is civil and respectful to mum but that is it. I do not want them to have some jaded view of hwo there parents are interating. I guess I believe that when they realise one day what a facade I have been putting up it would be just a lie to them. I have chosen not to lie anymore in the new life I lead. I culdnt do it to them. I dont know if anyone understands what I mean by this.

As we talked on about some business matters, things did turn personal in regards to how she felt and what not about how I had been conducting myself. For a second, a split second I felt strange, like could I be wrong about this person. I immediately dismissed it. I reminded myself, this is not the same person that I had known.

I know I can never be anything more than what I am now with stbxw. Despite her views on how she would like things, its something I do not want to be a part of. I know that in my heart, the decision I am making in the here and now is based on my values. Things may change in time, but for my own sanity and well-being, this is the way I choose it to be.

I know some people may think it harsh but I told her in person. I let her know it wasnt personal but for me, I want nothing to do with her besides the business in regards to the children and financial seperation. It was not in spite, I may not know the exact thing to say but the blunt and honest truth. She claims it as selfish, I corrected to my own value as Self-care. I will not let her manipulate me into something I do not agree with.I cant be a functioning person, friend and most importantly a father if I am not in the right frame of mind. She brings me down, I see that now and choose not to be a part of that. Why would you when you finally acknowledge the triggers, you dont allow it, you take steps. We did not leave on the best of terms and as harsh as it sounds, it and her are not my concern any longer.

I have myself and my children to take care of.

 

On a brighter note, I have been getting out and about more. Have traveled a bit of NSW and visited places I have never seen in my own state! LOL

Have made many new friends along the way! Ones that I speak to on a constant basis or fleetingly. I've enjoyed the time to let my hair down and enjoy what life has to offer.

I've been out and about going to a nightclub and dancing the night away. Whether by myself or with friends, I love getting lost in the beat, closing my eyes and feel my body move. I miss dancing alot over the years! LOL

My guitar playing has been progressing really well. I love as I learn, so do my children. My son is keeping up with me in regards to the guitar playing. He really does have some skill! As does my daughter, I'm glad I am able to bring some joy to there current lives. God I miss them, even with the trialed visits, its not enough.

 

As for my new place, I'm ecstatic that I have it! Its a 2 bedroom townhouse, which I have been searching for. Its perfect for now as I start the next phase in my life. Its finally going to be home when I have my children. The only component that is being held back is the need for furniture and white goods. I know that will come in time, I do get a little scared and nervous, but I will not back down form this. If not for me, not for my children.

 

I'm back on board, in the drivers seat and I couldnt be happier about it.

I have scanned ove the forum which I must admit I have neglected to be on. Time to give a little time to it.

 

Thanks for listening in any case. I'll write more as we move along.

Take Care all!

 

P.s

One last thing is, as I am planning my dream holiday to the US. Does anyone that is native have any recommendations of places to visit?

So far I have New York, California, Tennesse ...

[Dad_of_3]

Hi Do3,

Yes, mediation is emotionally draining. It is bringing all the big and small stuff right back up to the surface, just when you have a handle on managing to keep much of it at bay to an extent.

 

Be strong and vent when you need to. Keep your priorities at the forefront. Know what you CAN bend on and what you CAN'T and stand firm. Many people see their children daily and have no real quality to that time. You know that quantity isn't the same as quality, and quality is what your kids are getting from you.

 

This month marks a landmark in time for you. Think back to one year ago and be proud of how you've changed and who you've become. In other words, try to see some good at a time when it's not in the forefront, and all the pain is once again taking a leading role. Soon this too shall pass and this storm must be weathered in order to see clear skies once again.

 

We're out here rooting for you and here to listen to the jumbled feelings that are bound to arise. Even conflict only makes us stronger in the long run.

 

I did not reply back to this straight away, but you have no idea the impact it had.

Thank you DDL, it righted me when it seemed low. Put things in some perspective. It gave me the right nudge back on track.

 

Thank you again.

[Dad_of_3]

"Music is the gateway to your soul, the key to your mind and the soundtrack of your life."

 

Sometimes other people are just able to put your feelings into words better than you ever could.

 

My musical tastes are all over the board. I have several playlists on my Ipod, depending on my mood. One that I listen to most often includes songs from Linkin Park, Fuel, 3 Doors Down, Nicklelback, Evanescence, Trust Company, Hinder, Staind, Crossfade, Hoobastank, Lifehouse, My Chemical Romance and yes even Rascall Flats, Lonestar, Michael Bolton, Toni Braxton and Mariah Carey.

 

Thank you for your post Very_Confused. It certainly made things clear as you put it with your quote. My music is one aspect that keeps things in check.

Your music taste certainly is varied with some familiar artists in your list.

Nothign wrong with the last couple of artists. I believe to appreciate everything in its form. Thank you for the song!

 

I certainly love nothing more than to smile these days, and I will continue to do so. Even in the rough patches!

 

Thank you again! :bunny::bunny: