Men And Sex

[UPSET]

Please give me some advice, those of you guys out there.

 

I am not a permiscuous person, I don't sleep around and am only intimate with my exclusive boyfriend.

 

Well, this guy, that I thought had potential, started out as nothing but a friend giving advice onthe internet and it turned into talking and emails for 1 1/2 months. We clicked so well finishing sentences, liking the same odd things, etc. There was an attraction in personality. He lives in another state. I finally went to visit and he is supposed to come visit too. WE finally met and was very caring and tender and seemed very into me. Things unexpectedly got heated and at first I said no but felt such an incredible bond, like I knew him forever in my heart and all, that I felt the trust and went with it. I explained to him I never do that and he said he knows I don't and nothing is different. Yet, I didn't hear from him via email today and every morning there is an email waiting. I emailed him reiterating my fears that I don't want him to think of me differently and how I just felt so close to him. I haven't heard back yet. Of course he could be busy but, usually he finds time. I am crazy about him. Does it matter what you say -what kind of person you are-will a guy lose respect or interest anyway if you had sex with him too soon? Even if we've talked everyday for 1 1/2 months? Did I ruin it? is it salvagable?

[Totally Confused]

First of all, you didn't even know this guy - at all. You say you've been speaking for 1 1/2mo. and that you've develped a close bond, but you don't know him for squat. You only know about him what he chose to tell you. One of my friends has been dating a guy for 4 mo. and now just found out he lied about his name.

 

This guy obviously was a great charmer. He made you feel comfortable and close to him, but really what he wanted was sex. Not to say that he didn't like you, but if you hadn't given it to him, you'd have a better chance. I hate to tell you, but sex is what most men want. Not to say, that they can't want a woman for more, but initially that's what most of them want. If you give it to them too soon, very rarely will they take the time to get to know who you really are. They have now classified you as a good for now girl, rather than a potential girlfriend. If you gave it up that easily, what would you do with the next guy. They also think when a girl says "oh I'm usually not like this. I never sleep around." They laugh at that and say, whatever. They expect a woman to say that, cause most of them do. The fact that you put out so quickly, is how he's going to think of you, no matter how long you've waited with other guys. He wasn't there with you when you told these other guys no. He only knows what he saw when he was with you. He got it, he's gone. I'm sorry to say, but I don't see anyway you could salvage this relationship. His opinion of you is already developed. If you call to explain, you're going to look desperate and needy. The only thing you can do is let it go and move on. One day, he may call again, you never know, but what will his motives be? He's also too far away. Look at it realistically, he is. No one wants to get into a long distance relationship if they don't have to. You don't even know if he could have a gf. Like I said, he's only told you, what he choses to tell you.

 

Don't kick yourself over what you've done. You went with your heart and what you felt was right. Do you know how many girls have been through this? Practically every single one. You're not the bad one for doing what you did, he is. He's the pig. He's the one that led you to believe something that wasn't real. You went with your heart, he went with his penis. He's the creep. Well, at least you've learned something from your experience with him, I hope. Always wait 3-4mo. before you sleep with someone, and I don't mean someone you've only talked to mostly on the phone. I mean someone who you've seen consistently for 3 -4 mo. in person, and someone you know more about.

 

As my mom always says "And this too shall pass." You'll be ok. It may hurt for a while, but you'll find someone who'll really care about you.

[Guy]

Speaking as a man I'd have to say that Totally Confused is right on with her advice here. The guy is a jerk because it seems obvious that he was only after you for sex. But she's also right in that by sleeping with him so soon was probably not a good idea. The relationship has to come first. I'm not comparing this person to you by any means but I have a female friend who uses sex to try and jump start relationships, sort of as a way to skip the get-to-know-each-other phase. Unfortunately for her this has never worked once. She gets stuck with a lot of jerks but that's not really the problem because she doesn't have any luck with the nice ones either. Sex early on just sets a bad tone in a relationship. A jerk will have gotten what he wanted and leave. But even a nice guy will have a problem because now there's an issue of trust. If a girl gives in to the heat of the moment with me, what's so say she won't with the next guy if I'm not around? This is especially true in long distance relationships where you have to assume that your better-half is strong willed enough to turn down something in front of them for something two weeks and 100 miles away. Plus if sex comes early and in a passionate kind of way it loses a certain intimacy that exists if it is treated in a very special and serious manner. Unfortunately popular thinking these days is that sex should be more fun and casual. Which is fine I guess but it doesn't form the kind of bond that makes for a long term relationship. In order for sex to be meaningful it has to be treated as such by both people involved. Anyway I'm rambling here (can you tell I'm big into philosophy?) so I'll shut up now. Best of luck with your current situation.

First of all, you didn't even know this guy - at all. You say you've been speaking for 1 1/2mo. and that you've develped a close bond, but you don't know him for squat. You only know about him what he chose to tell you. One of my friends has been dating a guy for 4 mo. and now just found out he lied about his name. This guy obviously was a great charmer. He made you feel comfortable and close to him, but really what he wanted was sex. Not to say that he didn't like you, but if you hadn't given it to him, you'd have a better chance. I hate to tell you, but sex is what most men want. Not to say, that they can't want a woman for more, but initially that's what most of them want. If you give it to them too soon, very rarely will they take the time to get to know who you really are. They have now classified you as a good for now girl, rather than a potential girlfriend. If you gave it up that easily, what would you do with the next guy. They also think when a girl says "oh I'm usually not like this. I never sleep around." They laugh at that and say, whatever. They expect a woman to say that, cause most of them do. The fact that you put out so quickly, is how he's going to think of you, no matter how long you've waited with other guys. He wasn't there with you when you told these other guys no. He only knows what he saw when he was with you. He got it, he's gone. I'm sorry to say, but I don't see anyway you could salvage this relationship. His opinion of you is already developed. If you call to explain, you're going to look desperate and needy. The only thing you can do is let it go and move on. One day, he may call again, you never know, but what will his motives be? He's also too far away. Look at it realistically, he is. No one wants to get into a long distance relationship if they don't have to. You don't even know if he could have a gf. Like I said, he's only told you, what he choses to tell you. Don't kick yourself over what you've done. You went with your heart and what you felt was right. Do you know how many girls have been through this? Practically every single one. You're not the bad one for doing what you did, he is. He's the pig. He's the one that led you to believe something that wasn't real. You went with your heart, he went with his penis. He's the creep. Well, at least you've learned something from your experience with him, I hope. Always wait 3-4mo. before you sleep with someone, and I don't mean someone you've only talked to mostly on the phone. I mean someone who you've seen consistently for 3 -4 mo. in person, and someone you know more about. As my mom always says "And this too shall pass." You'll be ok. It may hurt for a while, but you'll find someone who'll really care about you.

[UPSET]

What if he is still contacting me and says he thinks nothing of the sort and doesn't act any different? Does it still mean he thinks bad of me and doesn't intend to stick around?

Speaking as a man I'd have to say that Totally Confused is right on with her advice here. The guy is a jerk because it seems obvious that he was only after you for sex. But she's also right in that by sleeping with him so soon was probably not a good idea. The relationship has to come first. I'm not comparing this person to you by any means but I have a female friend who uses sex to try and jump start relationships, sort of as a way to skip the get-to-know-each-other phase. Unfortunately for her this has never worked once. She gets stuck with a lot of jerks but that's not really the problem because she doesn't have any luck with the nice ones either. Sex early on just sets a bad tone in a relationship. A jerk will have gotten what he wanted and leave. But even a nice guy will have a problem because now there's an issue of trust. If a girl gives in to the heat of the moment with me, what's so say she won't with the next guy if I'm not around? This is especially true in long distance relationships where you have to assume that your better-half is strong willed enough to turn down something in front of them for something two weeks and 100 miles away. Plus if sex comes early and in a passionate kind of way it loses a certain intimacy that exists if it is treated in a very special and serious manner. Unfortunately popular thinking these days is that sex should be more fun and casual. Which is fine I guess but it doesn't form the kind of bond that makes for a long term relationship. In order for sex to be meaningful it has to be treated as such by both people involved. Anyway I'm rambling here (can you tell I'm big into philosophy?) so I'll shut up now. Best of luck with your current situation.

[UPSET]

P.S. Guy, I wanted to email you directly for more on your point of view however, cannot click on to send you. Is there any way of doing so or are you trying to remain anonymous for a reason? I think you would have good input. Where are you from?

Speaking as a man I'd have to say that Totally Confused is right on with her advice here. The guy is a jerk because it seems obvious that he was only after you for sex. But she's also right in that by sleeping with him so soon was probably not a good idea. The relationship has to come first. I'm not comparing this person to you by any means but I have a female friend who uses sex to try and jump start relationships, sort of as a way to skip the get-to-know-each-other phase. Unfortunately for her this has never worked once. She gets stuck with a lot of jerks but that's not really the problem because she doesn't have any luck with the nice ones either. Sex early on just sets a bad tone in a relationship. A jerk will have gotten what he wanted and leave. But even a nice guy will have a problem because now there's an issue of trust. If a girl gives in to the heat of the moment with me, what's so say she won't with the next guy if I'm not around? This is especially true in long distance relationships where you have to assume that your better-half is strong willed enough to turn down something in front of them for something two weeks and 100 miles away. Plus if sex comes early and in a passionate kind of way it loses a certain intimacy that exists if it is treated in a very special and serious manner. Unfortunately popular thinking these days is that sex should be more fun and casual. Which is fine I guess but it doesn't form the kind of bond that makes for a long term relationship. In order for sex to be meaningful it has to be treated as such by both people involved. Anyway I'm rambling here (can you tell I'm big into philosophy?) so I'll shut up now. Best of luck with your current situation.

[Re: Should I be concerned?]

I have to disagree about the sex thing. I mean, I can understand how some guys would think less of a woman for having sex with tem so soon, but I also know a few guys who don't care either way. I'm currently in a very stable, trusting relationship (possibly the healthiest one I've ever been in) that began on a bad foot.

 

I slept with my boyfriend the first night I met him. Thngs were awkward at first. We didn't know how to act towards one another. I finally sat down and talked with him frankly about our encounter. Weboth liked each other very much and wanted to get to know each other more, so we did. We spent some time together, got to know each other, all the while not sleeping with anyone else (so I suppose you could say we were in a committed relationship from the get-go). Now things are great between us.

 

See, Upset, things don't have to be confusing or weird, as long as you can have a frank discussion with the person you're involved with.

[Totally Confused]

If he does contact you, you're going to have to be careful, because he may look at you as a good for now girl. In otherwords, a girl he can get sex from, when he wants it. The fact that you haven't heard from him yet, and the fact that he wasn't gentleman enough to give you a phone call or to write you the day after you left, shows he doesn't want you for more than that and he's not looking for you in a serious way. I know it hurts, but it's the truth. If a man cares about you, he's going to call you and say, Listen thanks for meeting me, I was happy to finally meet you. The fact that you had to contact him first, and he hasn't responded yet, shows his intentions and shows he's a creep. You want a man who treats you like you're special and treats you like the woman that you are, and shows you respect. Don't settle for these little immature boys.

 

In "Should I be Concerned" posting, she talks about how she slept with her BF on the first date and they're in a loving relationship. Well, that's great for her, but not true in most cases. She was one of the lucky ones. that very rarely happens. I personally, don't know a single soul who that has happened to. Plus you don't know all the details of the guy she's dating. Is he close by, or far away? From the sounds of it, he lives near her, and would therefore be more willing to give her a chance. You had more strikes against you from the start. You live in another state. The distance thing can sometimes be a real problem, when you really don't know somebody. Why get into something that's far away, when your hearts not even involved yet, when you can find somebody closer.

 

I just don't want to give you any false hope, because false hope, can cause more pain. Even if you didn't have sex with him, that doesn't mean it was going to work out anyway. So don't kick yourself. If things are meant to happen they'll happen, if they aren't they won't, but you've got to keep going and not dwelling on things. Like I said, this will pass and there will be a great guy out there for you.

[Guy]

No I wasn't really trying to remain anonymous, guess I just never got around to filling out my email address. It should work now and by the way I'm from Wisconsin

P.S. Guy, I wanted to email you directly for more on your point of view however, cannot click on to send you. Is there any way of doing so or are you trying to remain anonymous for a reason? I think you would have good input. Where are you from?