Losing respect

[Galadriel]

Last week I told my husband I wanted out of our marriage. We've been apart more than a month now and he hasn't been communicating with me (phone, email, anything) hardly at all. So of course I've been lonely and I just want to move on.

 

He was very shocked by my announcement and has offered to stop what he is doing to come see me and negotiate. He's coming in a few days and I have a feeling that he's going to work some of his smooth-talking persuasion on me to get me back.

 

The reason we've been apart is that he has a job that has been very important to him, but requires him to live in his hometown (which is about 2000 miles from my friends and family). He's been making a lot of money, and saving it to buy a house, but in the meantime he's been living at home with his family--something I couldn't deal with. I put up with it for two months before I moved back west with some friends. He decided that the big paycheck was more important than his wife's happiness, so he stayed when I left.

 

He now says he will give up his job in May and come back west to me and work here. I had made up my mind, but now that he's willing to come and see me this week and actually give up the job in two months, I'm weakening.

 

The problem is: if I give in and remain in the marriage, I have a feeling he won't have any respect for me. Because I couldn't stick to my decision, he'll have free rein to take advantage and walk all over me in the future if he wants.

 

I really do want to stay with him, and make this marriage work. How can we work it out so we are together and still respect each other?

[Ed]

I read your earlier posts and the replies. You got some very good advice. You took your best shot by telling him the marriage is soon to be over. At this point, following through with divorce proceedings is your best course of action until or unless a major change is evident. Not a move, not a promise... A REAL change!

 

Your revelation about the state of the relationship is a wakeup call for him. Many people have had this kind of wakeup call, but not heeded it. It remains to be seen if he can or will actually follow through with any kind of major change in his behavior or his life in general.

 

The way I see it, and according to your previous posts, this guy has some MAJOR problems. He has a drug problem for one. It also sounds like he has emotional and/or psychological problems evidenced by his previous threat to "kill himself". BOTH OF THESE ARE VERY SERIOUS ISSUES. They can't simply be solved by him moving back West. I think he needs some professional help. Help you can't give him. If, for whatever reason, you feel you MUST give him another chance, do not agree to discontinue divorce proceedings until he ENTERS AND COMPLETES a treatment program that you can verify he is adhering to.

 

I can understand your conviction to save your marriage and uphold your marriage vows. That is very honorable of you. However, it is way more honorable to uphold respect for yourself and your own well-being. No one else in the World is going to do this for you.

 

You nor your mariage can save him from himself. He will likely promise you anything to keep you from divorcing and dumping him. Don't fall for it. If you feel you must give him more time, another chance or whatever, do so, but only under certain verifiable conditions that must be met and abided by.

 

It's sad that you have found yourself with someone in his condition. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Right now, you are not in a mature, adult relationship with this man and you may not be for sometime to come, if ever.

 

I cannot advise to stay with him or to leave him. All I can do is tell you how I see what you are up against. He IS a grown man and is responsible for himself. Right now you are in a position of having to treat him as if he is a child and you are the parent. But, it is not your job to take care of him or make sure he does what he is supposed to do. That will always be his job and if he can't handle it then you are much better off alone or with someone more stable and more mature.

[Tony T]

YOU STATE:

 

1. "The problem is: if I give in and remain in the marriage, I have a feeling he won't have any respect for me. Because I couldn't stick to my decision, he'll have free rein to take advantage and walk all over me in the future if he wants."

 

DUH, say what??? Hey, lady, you won here. You are the big winner in all this. HE IS COMING BACK TO YOU!!! Let's see, how can I say this differently. Uh, you decided you weren't going to take it anymore and you took affirmative action. HE HAS SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THAT THAT HE IS QUITTING HIS JOB. KNOCK KNOCK, ARE YOU THERE??????!!!!!!!!

 

You aren't giving in to anything, HE is. He loves you and didn't realize just how serious you were about not wanting to live there until you left. He now understands he's got to comply with your specific demand or he will lose you. I think you have stuck to your decision and you have won the point.

 

Just what more do you want???? DUH????

 

2. "I really do want to stay with him, and make this marriage work. How can we work it out so we are together and still respect each other?"

 

Communicate. I think you have shown him you've got the guts to take the action you need when you are in a situation you don't feel good about.

 

Go with your heart and stay with him for Pete's sake. But be mature about this too. Learn healthy communication in your marriage and learn how to discuss issues that are significant to the both of you. Make some ground rules that both of you will follow in the future so this type of thing won't again be an issue.

 

I'm glad the two of you are getting back together. It seems YOU have gotten your point accross!!!

[Tony T]

I am very sorry. I did not recall all the other situations to which Ed refers above and you did not mention them in your post above either.

 

If Ed's recollections are correct, repost using far more detail and I might have a different set of recommendations for you.

 

Sorry, my memory is just not as good as Ed's.

[Galadriel]

It's true that my husband has been working this job because of the money it brings in, and using a lot of the money for drugs. He doesn't use hard drugs, so I know he's not addicted physically, but it seemed to me that his pot and acid were more important to him than I was, although this wasn't the case when we were first married.

 

When we were first married, both of us worked out west, and he only spent a little on drugs, and the rest went into supporting us and savings. Now that he's had this new job back east (where I don't know anyone and we had to live with his family) he's become almost a maniac about his drugs. Since he was buying it all the time he was using it all the time and ignoring me. I left about a month ago after 2 months of trying to handle it and I haven't seen him since.

 

I wanted him to come back west with me and return to our old style of life where we were poor but independent. He didn't want to give up the money so last week I told him I wanted an annulment. He was very distraught to hear that (obviously) and gave me the usual threats of "I'll kill myself." Now he says he'll give up the job in May and come be with me then.

 

I think that's my history in a nutshell. I'm afraid that if we do get back together, he won't respect me (as before) because I made a decision (getting an annulment) and couldn't stick to it. I'm worried that he'll think "oh, she couldn't leave me before so I can treat her any way I like." Then again, I want to honor my commitment and keep this marriage alive. This is only his *1st strike* so I really have no reason to expect him to repeat it...How can I keep this relationship going and still be respected?

[Tony T]

Given the critical information about the drug use, which you left out of your original post (?????), I say leave the bum and never look back.

 

Who needs some pothead, cokehead husband to ignore you and make life miserable for you? Forget the need for him to respect you, get out of his life...get your annulment and just forget him.

 

This guy sounds disgusting.

 

I hope you don't leave important information out when you go to a doctor and describe your symptoms. That could be fatal.

[velvet]

Two months? You got up and left after two. I was engaged at one time and we ended up moving in with his brothers family for three months until we found our house. Sure it sucked, I dont speak spanish. So needless to say, I stayed out of that house as much as possible.

 

I think this guy has alot of love for you to put with your crap. As you for putting up with his drug addictions. Though, he doesnt come across as an addict. Hes got a job he loves and wants to be dedicated to, but you wont allow it. Than hes saving money for the next several months to provide a nice house for you, that hes giving up for you, and leaving his family to go back west to what? Someone who isnt even sure she wants him. Pathetic! Shame on the both of you.

 

He needs to stay put, while you do some serious long, drawn out thinking. You dont know what you want, and until you do your willing to screw around with this mans life. Do you recall "till death do us part". Why get married if people end up changing their mind days after.

 

Sounds like its your way or the highway. But hey, hes going to quit his wonderful job, and leave his loving family to come back to you. And you dont get it! Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and tell this man to stay put and not put in his notice just yet.

 

Last week I told my husband I wanted out of our marriage. We've been apart more than a month now and he hasn't been communicating with me (phone, email, anything) hardly at all. So of course I've been lonely and I just want to move on. He was very shocked by my announcement and has offered to stop what he is doing to come see me and negotiate. He's coming in a few days and I have a feeling that he's going to work some of his smooth-talking persuasion on me to get me back. The reason we've been apart is that he has a job that has been very important to him, but requires him to live in his hometown (which is about 2000 miles from my friends and family). He's been making a lot of money, and saving it to buy a house, but in the meantime he's been living at home with his family--something I couldn't deal with. I put up with it for two months before I moved back west with some friends. He decided that the big paycheck was more important than his wife's happiness, so he stayed when I left.

 

He now says he will give up his job in May and come back west to me and work here. I had made up my mind, but now that he's willing to come and see me this week and actually give up the job in two months, I'm weakening. The problem is: if I give in and remain in the marriage, I have a feeling he won't have any respect for me. Because I couldn't stick to my decision, he'll have free rein to take advantage and walk all over me in the future if he wants.

 

I really do want to stay with him, and make this marriage work. How can we work it out so we are together and still respect each other?