am i being a fool ?

[Mr A M]

My partner (S) and I have been together for 20 years, we have no children. When we met we were both married. I divorced my wife in 2 years whereas S took 4 years to leave her husband. Since we have been together I believe she has been constantly disloyal, whereas she believes that while she has made some mistakes her behaviour is not that unusual.

 

This is some of the stuff I have had to put up with.

 

(1) keeping in contact with an ex lover in a VERY friendly way by phone and letter. She stopped when I told her, but I had to tell her to stop.

(2) having sex with her husband after she had sex with me. Again I had to tell her to stop, she didn't do it voluntarily.

(3) After 10 years together she tells me she fancies one of our friends and was looking forward in anticipation to see him again. She says nothing happened between them (not even a friendly hug). I believe her but she fancied someone else when she was with me ! Again I made her break all contact with him, so now I have lost a friend.

(4) last year after 20 years together she starts flirting with one of our friends who had just split up from his partner. She won't cuddle me in his company because she says it is rubbing it in his face that he is alone and we are together. I say it just makes her look available and like a tart.

(5) Now she has decided that it is NORMAL for her to go out socially without me, either with girl friends or even with our male friends if i am not around. In 20 years she has never gone out without me - why suddenly change now ? Anyway I have told her that if she does go it will be the last thing that she does - her clothes will be on the doorstep.

 

I have always put up with this behaviour from her. Sometimes I get angry with her disloyalty, and I must confess I have hit her more than once. But she accepts it is because she has done wrong and made me angry. But after 20 years of it I am beginning to wonder if I have been a fool to stick with her.

 

We were on the verge of splitting up several times last year, but each time I gave her another chance. Was I right? Would anyone else put up with this sort of behaviour ?

[Kandi r]

Hey there well I have read your post twice. And clearly this is the same situation a friend of mine was in. 13 yrs they were together and the last 4 years it was things like doing things on their own. One partner started going out alone and doing family outings alone. My friend went to counseling because it was the hardest thing to get out of. I mean living with someone for so many years day in and day out I know my friend loved her partner. So with counseling my friend finally pulled away and kicked her partner out.

 

They are broken up and no longer together after 5 yrs. They only talk as friends on the phone about every 5 months. My friend realized that she was no longer involved in her partner's life. Her partner wanted to be like she was single but still lived there. My advice to you is to get some counseling. Mabey she is having second thoughts about you and her. Since she is used to you and you her she is starting a habit of doing this. You are realizing that something is not right. Go with your gut. Sit down with her and give her an altimative. Mabey she needs to move out for a while. Let her figure out what she wants.

 

I feel that is one partner starts doing adventures on their own then clearly there mind is changing. Meaning they want out but do not know how to say it. I am sure you two both love one another but it seems to me before anymore time is waisted on lost years put your foot down. Follow your head. Because if ones heart and mind are not in one place then get out. Get out before you get more hurt than you already are.

[Mr A M]

Thanks for your message.

 

I posted my message on the "marriage" thread too and got very different replies.

 

If I left I would feel that 20 years of my life has been a lie - wasted on somone I thought I could trust to look after me for the rest of my life. Now it feels like she never loved me, it was all a con.

 

By the way - Her explanation for wanting to change is because she is feeling old (she's 47). She has no children (my decision not hers)and she feels somehow she has missed out on life. We both have good jobs and work long hours and for many years we worked together so we were in each others company 24/7. We did get good holidays every year (together), but we have never been people who "do" things at the weekend - walking, clubbing, socialising with friends, whatever. For some reason now she feels like she should have done that more often. For some reason she feels denied.

 

I really am torn, the situation at the moment is horrid, I am so sensitive that the smallest thing starts a 4 day debate, but there are some good times and some fond memories too.

 

I know I shouldn't delay, but starting again at 54 years old is a daunting prospect - so I give her yet another "Second Chance"

[Guest]

You sound like an idiot

 

she should look around

 

 

Thanks for your message.

 

I posted my message on the "marriage" thread too and got very different replies.

 

If I left I would feel that 20 years of my life has been a lie - wasted on somone I thought I could trust to look after me for the rest of my life. Now it feels like she never loved me, it was all a con.

 

By the way - Her explanation for wanting to change is because she is feeling old (she's 47). She has no children (my decision not hers)and she feels somehow she has missed out on life. We both have good jobs and work long hours and for many years we worked together so we were in each others company 24/7. We did get good holidays every year (together), but we have never been people who "do" things at the weekend - walking, clubbing, socialising with friends, whatever. For some reason now she feels like she should have done that more often. For some reason she feels denied.

 

I really am torn, the situation at the moment is horrid, I am so sensitive that the smallest thing starts a 4 day debate, but there are some good times and some fond memories too.

 

I know I shouldn't delay, but starting again at 54 years old is a daunting prospect - so I give her yet another "Second Chance"

[Mr A M]

Well you don't beat about the bush do you?

 

Am I an idiot period or an idiot to put up with her behaviour?

[The write one]

Take these sayings to heart

 

"The way you got her is the way you'll lose her"

 

"Once a cheater always a cheater"

 

Furthermore, never hit a woman, it's never acceptable, no matter the situation, no one deserve to be abused.

 

My advice is to cut her off and let her see that the grass isn't greener. However, it may be more plush is the other guys aren't hitting her.