Can anyone show me the light?

[Guest]

Hi everyone..here's my story...I've been married to a great guy for 10 years. We got married really young, kids, the whole bit. Over the years he has always been very jealous of me being anywhere without him. Being young and not really caring...i put up with not being able to go out with friends, etc....but now i'm in a different phase in my life and i am just tired of it. i am a loyal, honest woman who takes care of him and my kids.

 

I can't go anywhere (food shopping) without him checking up on me. I visibly get nervous when I am away too long because i don't want to upset him. And the best part is that he goes out all the time and I completely trust him. I'm glad he gets out...we all need to every now and then. I hate living this way. He knows he has a problem, knows I can't stand it, but seems not to be able to help himself. I'm tired of it. Does anyone think he can change?

[quankanne]

yes, provided that he gets the help and the tools needed to change (i.e., counselling). As threatening as it sounds, counselling isn't about admitting you're bad or that something is wrong with you: It's taking that first step to get to where you want to be in a relationship, whether it's with yourself or other people.

[everlong]

perhaps you both should get some help...u seem to be walking on eggshells - are your concerns causing you other troubles? the reason i see the red flags for you because the are certain things, traits, that occur when someone might be having problems that need a professional...see, on one hand you say you love this guy, but at the same time he is driving you crazy...you are having inner conflicts...that to me is a big enuff sign that u might want to at least consider my suggestion

 

here is something that might be of interest to both of u

 

The Blame Game

 

 

 

 

 

In my journey of healing from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) without realizing it for a great number of years I was constantly blaming others for my problems and for my pain.

 

It is very typical for someone with BPD to honestly believe, while in the throes of a cognitively distorted thought process that everything they feel is someone else's fault.

So

often, a person with BPD will take out their confusion and pain on those who try to care; on those who try to get close and try to stay close. What happens when someone tries to care of to be close for many with BPD is that once a certain line is crossed in closeness or familiarity the other person ceases to be who they are in the reality of the world of the borderline.

 

Borderline Narcissism takes over. What is then experienced from the inside (usually unbeknownst to the borderline) is a very deep and intense transference. What the borderline feels deep inside (often this is a very large amount of pain) is projected out on to the close person (or caring person) who often then becomes a "parent figure" as a transference takes place.

 

What this means is that instead of being in the here and now with someone who is trying to care about you and know you, if you have BPD, you somewhat dissociate from the here and now and re-play out an

old

relationship (usually parent-child dynamic --or a primary relationship in which you did not get your needs met as a child) causing you to lose sight of both who the "other" is and who "you" are. This happens because many with BPD cannot meet their own needs and tend to look for others to do this for them.

The scene is then set for the recapitulation of pain.

 

The borderline demands from the "other", who is being experienced as someone from their past. This other person, not knowing what is unfolding has no chance to be able to find the right response, or enough of any response that will please the borderline for long. The person with BPD then does the push-pull, in an effort to gain or maintain control. They feel out of control because they are re-experiencing painful feelings from their pasts.

So

unmet needs continue to escalate and the borderline gets angry and demands more from the other person.

 

The other person, no doubt is confused, feeling attacked and like they can't do anything "right" enough begins to pull away,in one form or another. This is the classic repeat of the borderline nightmare of abandonment.

But if you have BPD, and you haven't worked through this you may not realize that you, yourself are causing your own abandonment. The abandonment is perceived abandonment. In reality they are not abandoning you they are taking care of themselves, which every human being has both the right and responsibility to do.

 

Well, within the scenario I've described above the is the blame game. Person A feels blamed by the borderline. The borderline feels blamed and shamed and let down and abandoned by person A. Person A then feels attacked by the borderline. Person A may attack back. The borderline then feels like a helpless victim which will then precipitate either their further acting out or acting in.

 

Person A then feels in a no-win situation. The borderline keeps upping the anti, demanding what he/she needs and wants. At this point the borderline has regressed to a child-like state wherein they are the center of the universe. This is their reality. The other person, person A has no idea now what is going on.

 

The blame game begins right here. The borderline blames the person A for (essentially whatever those close in childhood did to him/her) everything. Usually the borderline cannot see their role in this. (Not until a certain amount of healing has taken place.) Person A blames the borderline. Then both blame the borderline's past. Others in their lives, jobs, therapists....etc may also be blamed. No one knows how to take responsibility here and usually at this point enmeshment is deep and intense. When any two people get enmeshed everything can seem foggy and unclear. From this clouded haze each party, like a blind bird flying in the wind seeks control in an effort to protect themselves and to try to regain some balance.

 

For person A in this scenario you cannot "win". You are going to be blamed because often the borderline has lost total sight of you. (Or will for periods of time) You have become someone from their past that they could not trust.

 

The key to understanding what becomes the "blame game" is for the person with BPD to want to get better. To want to get better means be ready to face the pain. It is only when you face the pain that you will begin to gain a healthy perspective from which you can then think in less frequently-distorted ways to the point where you will be able to recognize when you are

so

triggered as to blur your past with someone in your present.

 

Personal responsibility is key here as well. You must take responsibility for your needs, your wants, your pain, your actions and you must learn that there is no excuse for abuse. Blaming anyone else, even someone who abused or hurt you in childhood is not going to help you heal now. It will not help you meet your needs. It will not help you learn how to maintain relationships. It will not help you to find yourself.

 

Blame is a defense mechanism. The pain is real. The pain feels immediate. It can also feel very overwhelming. If you have BPD and you do not learn to catch the triggers and see the patterns and take responsibility you will continue to drive people who care about you away and do great emotional damage to yourself and to others in the process.

 

Taking responsibility for yourself and your emotions now is the only way to end the blame game. To unwind the clues that are no doubt there in your thinking before you get into this pattern over and over again it is important to discuss with your therapist what you feel and think just before you have "blow-ups" with others, or just before you lose your temper, or just before you begin to push and pull or manipulate, control or get physically intimidating and or abusive.

 

What happened in your past needs to be unwound today. Blaming anyone for the choices that you've made as to how to cope with your past up until now is not a healthy choice. It is often a very lonely and isolating choice to make.

Stop blaming anyone or anything else.....look to yourself. These are your patterns and when you work to understand them you can. When you can understand the blame game you will no longer have to go there. The result will be happier and healthier patterns of relating.

[Guest]

perhaps you both should get some help...u seem to be walking on eggshells - are your concerns causing you other troubles? the reason i see the red flags for you because the are certain things, traits, that occur when someone might be having problems that need a professional...see, on one hand you say you love this guy, but at the same time he is driving you crazy...you are having inner conflicts...that to me is a big enuff sign that u might want to at least consider my suggestion

 

here is something that might be of interest to both of u

 

The Blame Game

 

 

In my journey of healing from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) without realizing it for a great number of years I was constantly blaming others for my problems and for my pain.

 

It is very typical for someone with BPD to honestly believe, while in the throes of a cognitively distorted thought process that everything they feel is someone else's fault. So often, a person with BPD will take out their confusion and pain on those who try to care; on those who try to get close and try to stay close. What happens when someone tries to care of to be close for many with BPD is that once a certain line is crossed in closeness or familiarity the other person ceases to be who they are in the reality of the world of the borderline.

 

Borderline Narcissism takes over. What is then experienced from the inside (usually unbeknownst to the borderline) is a very deep and intense transference. What the borderline feels deep inside (often this is a very large amount of pain) is projected out on to the close person (or caring person) who often then becomes a "parent figure" as a transference takes place.

 

What this means is that instead of being in the here and now with someone who is trying to care about you and know you, if you have BPD, you somewhat dissociate from the here and now and re-play out an old relationship (usually parent-child dynamic --or a primary relationship in which you did not get your needs met as a child) causing you to lose sight of both who the "other" is and who "you" are. This happens because many with BPD cannot meet their own needs and tend to look for others to do this for them.

The scene is then set for the recapitulation of pain.

 

The borderline demands from the "other", who is being experienced as someone from their past. This other person, not knowing what is unfolding has no chance to be able to find the right response, or enough of any response that will please the borderline for long. The person with BPD then does the push-pull, in an effort to gain or maintain control. They feel out of control because they are re-experiencing painful feelings from their pasts. So unmet needs continue to escalate and the borderline gets angry and demands more from the other person.

 

The other person, no doubt is confused, feeling attacked and like they can't do anything "right" enough begins to pull away,in one form or another. This is the classic repeat of the borderline nightmare of abandonment.

But if you have BPD, and you haven't worked through this you may not realize that you, yourself are causing your own abandonment. The abandonment is perceived abandonment. In reality they are not abandoning you they are taking care of themselves, which every human being has both the right and responsibility to do.

 

Well, within the scenario I've described above the is the blame game. Person A feels blamed by the borderline. The borderline feels blamed and shamed and let down and abandoned by person A. Person A then feels attacked by the borderline. Person A may attack back. The borderline then feels like a helpless victim which will then precipitate either their further acting out or acting in.

 

Person A then feels in a no-win situation. The borderline keeps upping the anti, demanding what he/she needs and wants. At this point the borderline has regressed to a child-like state wherein they are the center of the universe. This is their reality. The other person, person A has no idea now what is going on.

 

The blame game begins right here. The borderline blames the person A for (essentially whatever those close in childhood did to him/her) everything. Usually the borderline cannot see their role in this. (Not until a certain amount of healing has taken place.) Person A blames the borderline. Then both blame the borderline's past. Others in their lives, jobs, therapists....etc may also be blamed. No one knows how to take responsibility here and usually at this point enmeshment is deep and intense. When any two people get enmeshed everything can seem foggy and unclear. From this clouded haze each party, like a blind bird flying in the wind seeks control in an effort to protect themselves and to try to regain some balance.

 

For person A in this scenario you cannot "win". You are going to be blamed because often the borderline has lost total sight of you. (Or will for periods of time) You have become someone from their past that they could not trust.

 

The key to understanding what becomes the "blame game" is for the person with BPD to want to get better. To want to get better means be ready to face the pain. It is only when you face the pain that you will begin to gain a healthy perspective from which you can then think in less frequently-distorted ways to the point where you will be able to recognize when you are so triggered as to blur your past with someone in your present.

 

Personal responsibility is key here as well. You must take responsibility for your needs, your wants, your pain, your actions and you must learn that there is no excuse for abuse. Blaming anyone else, even someone who abused or hurt you in childhood is not going to help you heal now. It will not help you meet your needs. It will not help you learn how to maintain relationships. It will not help you to find yourself.

 

Blame is a defense mechanism. The pain is real. The pain feels immediate. It can also feel very overwhelming. If you have BPD and you do not learn to catch the triggers and see the patterns and take responsibility you will continue to drive people who care about you away and do great emotional damage to yourself and to others in the process.

 

Taking responsibility for yourself and your emotions now is the only way to end the blame game. To unwind the clues that are no doubt there in your thinking before you get into this pattern over and over again it is important to discuss with your therapist what you feel and think just before you have "blow-ups" with others, or just before you lose your temper, or just before you begin to push and pull or manipulate, control or get physically intimidating and or abusive.

 

What happened in your past needs to be unwound today. Blaming anyone for the choices that you've made as to how to cope with your past up until now is not a healthy choice. It is often a very lonely and isolating choice to make.

Stop blaming anyone or anything else.....look to yourself. These are your patterns and when you work to understand them you can. When you can understand the blame game you will no longer have to go there. The result will be happier and healthier patterns of relating.

 

 

Yes, this has helped a lot. I fully admit I need help as well as him. I am very angry now. It has been building for years. He seems to have manic depressive disorder as well, but I never considered the BPD. I am going to do more research. Right now we have no health insurance which makes this very difficult. He says he will get help with me, but I know he doesn't really think he has a BIG problem. I assure you he does. I am absolutely walking on egg shells. I never know what I'm going to say, where, talk to, talk about that will be wrong. I'm tired. And my kids are suffering. I don't want them to think his behavior is normal. Do you think I should leave for a while?

[Spectre]

Have you ever given him a reason to doubt you? have you been unfaithful or had some type of incident in the past? Usually this type of behavior stems from trust being broken, could be from you or a past relationship

[Guest]

Have you ever given him a reason to doubt you? have you been unfaithful or had some type of incident in the past? Usually this type of behavior stems from trust being broken, could be from you or a past relationship

 

No, never!