everlong Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 hi again...just forgot something... over the last couple of weeks i have been flipping back and forth from this site to a canadian forum site where you can do basically the same thing as u do here... and i started to notice that the things i would say in here, started showing up in the other site, almost word for word, with a few editting tricks - you know the person doing the cutting and pasting but adding their own twist to it....and it has ususally been editted in a way that doesn't 'change' the message so i have been kewl about it, it has only been changed to represent 'that person's' understanding and thankfulness of what i was actually saying...and that, for whatever reason, was a healing thing and helped. just the other week, i noticed someone that started using the same moniker and icon and was sticking with that instead of switching names like a lot of hidden people do...and i noticed this person was adding info that was pretty darn similar to my experience - what caught my eye was the 'usage of a closure letter' i had written and sent to my ex a long time ago...so seeing it resurface was kinda kewl...so, i 'contacted' this person - just on the site, and we compared 'notes' you know like a long lost twin from another planet [different site comparision] and there was a little bit of little banter - which was nice....anyways...just as i was signing outta here, i popped in the other site, just before logging off and noticed 'the letter' was back up again... and i thought you folks would like to see it... there is one really big point i want to stress...and i want to really give a shout out to this person because thru this whole adventure she was the only person...and i mean the ONLY PERSON..that never doubted me, always stood up for me, never once said anything negative, and held her fears of me never 'recovering' from my depression, the only person that believed 100% in me as a person and saw what i was going thru as not something that was a personal trait that i had carried inside forever but simply something caused by circumstance... this person was my 10 year old duaghter...amazing eh! i am the proudest and luckiest dad in the world...wow! she is just now letting go of her fears and i am helping her, because she has seen me, for long enuff, healthy and back [better] to the man i was and sees me with a woman that she trusts and knows is helping...everyone else ran because they feared i was gonna keep being depressed...but a little 10 year old gurl stood her ground...that is why i named her after the gurl in to kill a mocking bird... below in sorta my letter sent to the ex a long time ago [never got a response back - i knew i wouldn't - hoped i would tho - because if she had that would have been a sign that she had done some great work and changed] stay kewl all gord wrote a letter to my ex yesterday, we hadn't spoken in a few years, but I decided that I couldn't cope anymore with going to bed each night not having said what I really wanted to say. Our relationship ended with a lot of unanswered questions and was a tragic ending. It was one of those situations where we both did our absolute best and we both still lost a big hand. I had serious health problems at the time; she had been my caretaker for many years. Without her I would be dead. The idea of someone saving my life, but also hating me haunted me. This is what motivated me to write the letter. I'd been thinking about writing it for a couple years. I just didn't have the courage or confidence until recently.[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] Our history: She resented how sick I'd been, and that she gave and gave and I mostly took. She was also terrified that I'd never recover. She never said this, but it's what I believe. I look back and realize that I didn't have a choice most of the time. I was self centered and selfish, and sometimes abusive because I had to be to survive; -- I was backed into a corner in a situation which was life-threatening and long enduring which I had not caused. I may not have meant to be hurtful, but I still was. She could have left, and I encouraged her to leave because I loved her dearly and didn't want her exposed to it any longer. I felt she needed to go on with her life for her own mental health and for a chance at being happy with someone else, but in the end she stayed because she loved me and she was loyal. She did this until the stress and resentment grew to be greater than her love was. She's responsible for a lot of mistakes, but that's up to her to make amends on if she wants to but I feel I too was responsible, and that's what my letter was about. I was non-offensive, and I wanted to tell her that I was very sorry about the unfortunate events that took place between us, and that I was sorry for neglecting her, and being cruel sometimes. I also thanked her for the good things she did, and that I promised her I'd use this life she'd saved to go on to live for something more than myself. Have any of you had a long term relationships [mine was 6 years, engaged] where the relationship ended badly and you didn't speak for an extremely long period of time? If so -- did you ever take the time to make amends and take responsibility for your role and validate the suffering your partner endured? I realize most people here on the forum -- from what I read anyway -- usually dislike their ex [husband/boy/girl/wife] and hold them solely responsible for everything that failed so I'm wondering who actually made amends?[/FONT][/COLOR] Different people have different opinions -- because different people have had different experiences and are at different stages in their grief in the aftermath of relationships. Some are angry and "never" want to hear from the person again, some would like an apology -- but in the end, we each have to make our own decisions.[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] I chose to be "selfish" -- as some have called it, because I dug up dirt on an issue that happened long ago. Others call me a saint, admirable, respectable for admitting fault and making amends [some of my friends offline said these things] -- I say this to everyone on both sides. Let the weak say I was strong, and it won't be long, let the right say I was wrong, and it won't be long - let us find where we belong, beyond the setting sun. It won't be long, and we belong somewhere past the setting sun, finally free, finally strong.... You see, time is precious and these words sum up my feelings. I mulled over this "letter" for "years" -- do you understand what that means? I was using my precious time up that could be better used helping someone else. I thought about it from every angle I can imagine, -- including taking her feelings into account, and you know what I decided? In the end, we all die -- time runs out, and regrets and hollow men turn to dust, and I didn't want to become one of them. I don't know when my time will end, but it sure wasn't going to end without taking the risk of telling the truth and perhaps bring peace to my life, as well as possibly to hers in some form. I'm not going to my grave with hate in my heart and regrets and sadness on my mind. Resentment is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die. It wasn't my cup of......tea.[/FONT][/COLOR] I'm a male, but the question of whether another woman would be strong enough has and often does enter my mind. Things are different today than they were, so yes I think I could have a very pleasant experience this time in a romantic relationship. I'm recovering well, I'm happy, positive and excited about life now. I'm not struggling with an overwhelming burden now like before. In the letter, the reason I asked her to keep it between us was because we share the same circle of friends off-line. People in friendship circles tend to take sides when relationship matters come about and I didn't want them specifically involved. None of my personal friends, nor does she come to this site. No one from this site knows her. No one here even knows her name. I am quite comfortable with sharing the letter given her anonymity is protected. [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] I posted the letter to perhaps help others in their own process of healing if they decide to write letters. Some have e-mailed me saying they too would like to write someone to make amends, so this was a positive opportunity to share that process and how I personally wrote my own. The very fact that this is a dating site involving all stages of relationships was the best place to talk about a topic like closure in my opinion. No one has to agree with me, I know why I did it, and I'm glad I did if it helps someone else.[/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]http://forums.plentyoffish.com/5554463datingPostpage3.aspx[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]metalblues[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
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