Share your story- dated for 5+ years before engagement/marriage

[adnCat]

Has anyone here had a relationship lasting 5+ years before engagement/marriage? Would you mind sharing your story (like, why it took so long, how the relationship progressed, if things worked out it the end)? I'm looking more for relationships starting in the early or mid 20s. (If you and your partner dated for 5+ years but started at when one of you was age 17, I'm not so interested. Not that those years don't count or don't mean as much, of course they are meaningful! I'm just looking for stories that might parallel mine and another poster's- we are in our late 20s, early 30s)

[Leikela]

Sorry but I can't help you out here. Everyone I know in their Mid 20's that had boyfriends were married before 5 years passed. I dated a guy for 8 years but I was 16 and it ended when I was 24. He wanted to get married but I didn't because I knew he wasn't the one...

[riobikini]

Maybe the first part of my story won't interest you much because it *did* begin pretty early.

 

Too early, I guess (Smile) -but the rest might be interesting enough.

 

I left home when I was 14 (not a good thing for most kids and I would *never* suggest it for anyone).

 

I was the oldest of 6 kids (later 7 more stepchildren came on board after I left and my mother remarried). We lived in a rural part of Virginia and life was rough (but for the most part -we didn't know just *how* rough, since we were used to it).

 

My mom dragged us to church a lot. In those days I could take it or leave it.

 

I had experienced some very life-changing events that I won't go into right now for time's sake -and had made up my mind that I would either wind up like the rest of the young girls that lived all throughout the region -or- I could leave it behind me and see how well I could fare on my own -practically anywhere else.

 

I barley knew this young, quiet kid at church, who's father was a minister. I learned that, although his dad preached on Sunday, that he beat his kids all through the week. The kid I came to know was the one who seemed to catch the worst of it.

 

I was getting close to figuring out the last details of my plan to leave, when this kid showed up at the little rural country church with large bruises creeping out from under his shirtsleeve and a nice shiner on his cheek and eye.

 

I noticed.

 

And I learned it happened a lot.

 

To make this shorter -I wound up taking him with me: he was 19, shy, intelligent, and very sweet.

 

He could also *drive* and had a car.

 

We married in Greeneville, S.C. and quickly moved to Shreveport, La. (the details of how we accomplished that is a story within itself). (Smile).

 

There, I worked a grocery store job, and a few weeks later, got up enough nerve to lie about my age (yeah -back then, believe it or not, it was easy to do) and got a job as a bartender at local bar, within walking distance to our small apartment. I knew nothing about bartending, but learned. He worked a small job and we paid to get him into (of all things) truck-driving school. (Smile).

 

It was hard for me to get back in school, but I did -and still kept a job or two. We were married for a few years, just long enough for me to get through an alternate high school program, get pregnant twice, and take in two younger siblings later on, whom I raised for a few years.

 

When we were both as stable as we figured we could get -and some of the memories of both our pasts at home had faded, and we were sure that we had taken each other as far as we could to safety -and some idea of what it was like to live peacefully- we amicably parted as close friends.

 

We'd done what we set out to do.

 

He still means much to me even now.

 

I met my second husband -and the real love of my lifetime- in my early twenties (21). We lived and worked together for a few years before we actually married. He helped me raise my sons, and was a very striking person -both in his character, personality, and appearance.

 

He died years later during a cardiac arrest, when I was 28 years old, but he is still with me in all sorts of ways.

 

No one has ever been able to hold a candle, since, to the person he was.

 

I look back at all this from time to time and think the old saying, " You've come a long way, baby", -and thank God I'm where -and who- I am, now.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Walk]

Met a guy when I was just turning 21. Started dating. We moved in together probably about 6-8 months later. (can't remember exactly now.)

 

Dated for 5 years, with very little talk of marriage. We hardly ever fought, and our fights consisted of calmly discussing problems. The 5th year we got married.

 

3 years later, divorced.

 

In hindsight.. I should've known not to. He was kind of selfish during our relationship. But at least while we were dating he did try to keep me happy in the relationship. But after marriage? hahahah Guess he figured he didn't need to try any more. He already tied me to him both financially and legally.

[insomnie]

Rio, your post nearly made me cry. It's no wonder you have so much wisdom! I wish you would write a novel or a memoir.

[riobikini]

Insomnie:

 

(Smile)

 

Done!

 

But the more important thing is this: the *real* memoir is the the people who take the experiences of others (good and bad ones) and turn them into little crossroads for their *own* lives that help create a better, and richer life.

 

A good reason why I post here.

 

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[bab]

I started dating my husband in our last year of undergrad education, we were both 21. We lived in different states, but met at a semester long internship, the fall. That spring we went back to our different states and had a LDR. We were both applying to grad schools and decided that if we decided to go to different places, we would end the relationship. Turns out my husband had only applied to the top 10 schools in his field and he didn't get in anywhere. He had the choice of moving back in with his parents or moving to where I was going to go to school. Since the job market was actually better where I was going to school, he opted for that.

 

We lived together for about 3 months to ease the transition and expense of moving to a new place. Then he found a roommate and moved out. That first year I had another roommate who didn't end up staying, but my apartment was crappy enough that I could afford it alone. The following year I moved in with some other friends. Thru the next couple of years my relationship with my husband continued to grow but there was still a major concern for our relationship. We are of different religious backgrounds, so we weren't sure how and if we could make our relationship work if there were ever children involved. This was the status quo for quite awhile, but the more we talked and discussed our ideas of what marriage meant, and what role our belief structures played in our current lives and what role we would want them to play in our marriage and our children lives, the more confident we became. So, this took a total of 4 1/2 years. We began to talk more confidently about the marriage in the near future.

 

Then an opportunity arose for us to move in together. Some friends were leaving the country for 6 months. The were planning on selling their house, but offered to let us rent it for a very discounted price. I knew at this point that an engagement was coming and this was a great place to live for so cheaply that we decided to do it. We got engaged about a week before we moved in together and after 4 and 2/3 years of dating. (I don't usually put it in such an exact timeline, but you asked). We got married a year later, both of us 27 and have now been married for a whopping 5 months.

[adnCat]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I'm actually surprised that there weren't more situations like this! Anyway, I hope that I get married soon and can tell everyone here that waiting works on occasion!

[josie54]

Dated 8 years, have been engaged one. The long wait was/is mainly because I was unsure of the relationship. But I couldn't bear to break his heart. In a last-ditch effort to bring about some resolution to the whole thing, I decided to ask my boyfriend to move in together, as a "trial run," to see if I could sort through my emotions and come to be more certain that I loved him.

 

Instead of agreeing simply to live together, he astonished me with a ring and a proposal. Said he was a "traditional guy" and wanted us to be more committed before buying a house together. I said "yes," at the time because I didn't know what else to say.

 

Have lived together now 10 months, bought a house together 6 months ago. I've spent those months trying to find the courage to say, "I just can't do it," but haven't been able to. Still deflecting all the "So, haven't you set a date yet?" questions from impatient friends and family. Once I had a ring on my finger, everyone can't stop thinking about the damn wedding and won't let up about it, no matter how many times I try to change the subject. My fiance's eager to set the date, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

 

So, we just had the 9th anniversary of the day we made the relationship "exclusive." It's great to wait if, in the waiting, you become more sure of the relationship. Not so great if you simply become more uncertain, guilt-ridden, and miserable.

[adnCat]

josie54- Wow, I'm sorry for your situation. I hate to say it, but after 9 years, you should be sure. If your not, you might never be. You've got to talk to him about this. I think you need to find out if there is some underlying issue that can be fixed, or if he just isn't one of the ones (not a believer of 'the one') for you.

[Leikela]

Yeah Josie, I agree with adnCat. If you weren't sure after 8 years, then most likely he's not the one. People usually know pretty quickly into the relationship. (Like 1 to 2 years) You have to ask yourself why you stayed with him when deep down you know it wasn't right. Do you have intimacy issues? Committment issues? Something is going on inside of you. Once you figure it out and resolve it, you'll be able to let go and find the right guy for you.

[josie54]

Thank you for your kind thoughts, both adnCat and Leikela. You definitely make sense. But I'm to the point where I think I just better make him "the one," because I'm never going to be able to break up with him. If I did break up with him, I wouldn't date anyone else, because 1) I'd feel too horrible about leaving him after this long to date someone else, and 2) I don't want to put myself in this position again.

 

I chose him very carefully (nice, caring, intelligent, etc.), and I got it wrong. I knew after two or three years that I got it wrong (even tried to tell him a couple times, but not clearly enough). I couldn't bear to end it then, let alone now. If I were to find the strength somehow to break up with him, I wouldn't let it happen again.

[Leikela]

This is really sad Josie. You're going to stay with a man you know is not the one and deny yourself the chance to be truly happy.

 

I know that it's hard to leave him now. However, when you're older I can see you finally having enough and you guys getting a divorce. Why do you say that if you were to date anyone else that you would put yourself into this position again? What is it about intimacy that scares you? Seriously, get to the root of YOUR issues and then maybe your relationship and where it should or should not go will become more clearer to you.

 

I hope everything works out the way it should for you Josie!!

[norajane]

Thank you for your kind thoughts, both adnCat and Leikela. You definitely make sense. But I'm to the point where I think I just better make him "the one," because I'm never going to be able to break up with him. If I did break up with him, I wouldn't date anyone else, because 1) I'd feel too horrible about leaving him after this long to date someone else, and 2) I don't want to put myself in this position again.

 

I chose him very carefully (nice, caring, intelligent, etc.), and I got it wrong. I knew after two or three years that I got it wrong (even tried to tell him a couple times, but not clearly enough). I couldn't bear to end it then, let alone now. If I were to find the strength somehow to break up with him, I wouldn't let it happen again.

 

Ah, I'm sorry, but that's all wrong. You're denying yourself a chance for happiness, and you're also denying HIM the opportunity to be with soemone who does feell the right way about him, who can give her heart to him wholly, who can truly love him in a way you cannot. You think you're being kind by staying with him, but you are not. You're being so UNFAIR to him!!! Doesn't he deserve to be with a woman whose heart beats a little faster because he smiles at her???

 

Trust me, if you stay with this man, he'll one day realize how you really feel and he'll resent you for deceiving him.

 

Trust me, if you stay with this man, one day you'll meet someone else who does make your heart beat faster...and you'll have to face a terrible choice - cheat on your husband or divorce.

[josie54]

You think you're being kind by staying with him, but you are not. You're being so UNFAIR to him!!! Doesn't he deserve to be with a woman whose heart beats a little faster because he smiles at her???

 

I'm well aware of this--believe me. I know I'm not being kind to him--I'm being horrible, a complete and horrible b***h. Believe me, I know that. But everytime I gear up to end things, I just think of the aftermath. It's much easier said than done. I've tried two times, and it ended up with us both dissolved in tears and not knowing what to do from there. I have no good reason to give him, except "I don't love you," and I will never say those words to him. I will make something up, but I won't say those words to him ever.

 

And breaking up means walking away and never seeing him again (yeah, I guess we'd stay "friends" but I doubt he'd want much interaction with me after that). I can't bear to think of it.

 

Also complicated by the fact that yeah, I COULD meet the love of my life, and maybe not. If I can't fall in love with the man I'm with (who is a great person), then I may not be capable of it. I have no idea what love is, anyway, except what I hear other people say it is. That means I very well could be breaking his heart to chase what, for me, is a fictional emotion.

 

I know something's got to give eventually.

[josie54]

Anyway, I have posted about my dilemma in my own threads, and everyone gives excellent advice. Unfortunately, it's very good objective advice, and I'm in a very subjective situation. I know what the "right" thing is to do--but I also don't know.

 

I don't want my relationship dictated by some external force. I hate the fact that I'm with a wonderful person, but I feel I need to break up with him because of some feeling over which I have no control. There's no REASON for it. That stops me every time.

 

I feel bad that my current situation colors most of my responses to other posters' threads--and often takes over the subject of those posts. I do need to refrain from posting on these threads until I've resolved things, so I don't do that anymore! The trouble and sadness is in my own head--there's not much anyone else can do to help that anymore.

 

In terms of long relationships before engagements, I do hope everything works out wonderfully for you, adnCat! And back to her original thread....hopefully, there are more posters out there with stories happier than mine!

[Leikela]

Josie,

 

Please take my advice and go see a counselor. It seems as though you have intimacy issues. If you're not going to leave your husband to be, PLEASE go get help. Every human has the capacity to love. If you're not using that, there is a reason why.

 

If counseling is out of the question for you, then read self help books. Get to the root of yourself. Find out who you really are and what makes you tick. Until you figure all this out, you'll continue to live a lie. For all you know, you COULD love this man. Why is not having him in your life unbearable??

[suzy61]

Josie a few things.I haven't a clue what love is.I'm 24, in a three and a half year relationship, and I don't know whether he's the one, but I feel I'll probably make him the one.I'm not a big believer in that anyway.I'm also deeply unsure about my relationship.To the point where I've tried to break it up, and ended up in tears.Both of us. Several times.My reason?I don't know if I love him or not.I don't know what that's supposed to feel like, or if I feel it at all.

Here's what I do know though.Ask yourself a few questions.Can you share things with him?The stupid stuff, the funny stuff, the serious stuff, the sad stuff?do you WANT to share that stuff with him?Is he, pretty much, your best friend?And if so....why wouldn't you tell your best friend everything?

How does it feel for him to love you?Have you ever asked him?Love is made out to be this feeling where , you know, bells are ringing and fireworks are exploding, and you look at him and your heart starts thumping, blah blah.....I don't know how it feels, or should feel.Haven't a clue, and it's making my life a misery.But I know that a lot of it has to do with companionship, and acceptance of another person.

There does however, come a point where you can talk and think a thing to death.If your relationship works for you, then why would you go anywhere?Why give up 9 years for something that might not be?Maybe you need to relax a bit and stop analysing it.Just be in it.Enjoy his company.You can't have spent 8 solid years in misery.There has to have been some happy times.And maybe....put off the wedding for say, a period of time.You've waited this long, what's a bit longer.After said period of time, unless your feelings have drastically changed, and you desperately want out, maybe just go for it.There's not a single married person out there ( Or person in a relationship), that hasn't thought to themselves at some stage...what if?But at some point you've got to stop and say...yeah, I'm going to make this work.It mightn't be perfect, but it'll work.We are only human after all.Plus, you've told him how you feel as much as you can, and he's still there.A lot of guys would run a mile.Maybe he's as confused as you are, but he's decided that this is it.That he's not going to keep looking.

Basically, I may only be 24, and I may not be as experienced as some people, but Josie, try to enjoy what you have.I don't think these things come easily anyway, you've got to work at them. The love thing... I know where you are on that, because I feel the same way.I honestly believe it's got a lot to do with the media, and hollywood etc. packaging it as something with particular feelings, etc.Sometimes, though, it's as much about the decisions you make as about the feelings you feel.

If nothing else maybe you should just realise that you're not the only one feeling the way you do, not by a long shot.

[suzy61]

Josie a few things.I haven't a clue what love is.I'm 24, in a three and a half year relationship, and I don't know whether he's the one, but I feel I'll probably make him the one.I'm not a big believer in that anyway.I'm also deeply unsure about my relationship.To the point where I've tried to break it up, and ended up in tears.Both of us. Several times.My reason?I don't know if I love him or not.I don't know what that's supposed to feel like, or if I feel it at all.

Here's what I do know though.Ask yourself a few questions.Can you share things with him?The stupid stuff, the funny stuff, the serious stuff, the sad stuff?do you WANT to share that stuff with him?Is he, pretty much, your best friend?And if so....why wouldn't you tell your best friend everything?

How does it feel for him to love you?Have you ever asked him?Love is made out to be this feeling where , you know, bells are ringing and fireworks are exploding, and you look at him and your heart starts thumping, blah blah.....I don't know how it feels, or should feel.Haven't a clue, and it's making my life a misery.But I know that a lot of it has to do with companionship, and acceptance of another person.

There does however, come a point where you can talk and think a thing to death.If your relationship works for you, then why would you go anywhere?Why give up 9 years for something that might not be?Maybe you need to relax a bit and stop analysing it.Just be in it.Enjoy his company.You can't have spent 8 solid years in misery.There has to have been some happy times.And maybe....put off the wedding for say, a period of time.You've waited this long, what's a bit longer.After said period of time, unless your feelings have drastically changed, and you desperately want out, maybe just go for it.There's not a single married person out there ( Or person in a relationship), that hasn't thought to themselves at some stage...what if?But at some point you've got to stop and say...yeah, I'm going to make this work.It mightn't be perfect, but it'll work.We are only human after all.Plus, you've told him how you feel as much as you can, and he's still there.A lot of guys would run a mile.Maybe he's as confused as you are, but he's decided that this is it.That he's not going to keep looking.

Basically, I may only be 24, and I may not be as experienced as some people, but Josie, try to enjoy what you have.I don't think these things come easily anyway, you've got to work at them. The love thing... I know where you are on that, because I feel the same way.I honestly believe it's got a lot to do with the media, and hollywood etc. packaging it as something with particular feelings, etc.Sometimes, though, it's as much about the decisions you make as about the feelings you feel.

If nothing else maybe you should just realise that you're not the only one feeling the way you do, not by a long shot.

[josie54]

Leikela, thanks so much for your advice! I have tried counseling in the past (six times, for anywhere from four weeks to six months), and it just never seems to help. Counselors really don't know what to do with me...my conversations with them always end up going around in circles. They try to figure me out, but I don't fit any pattern. (One actually told me that--she was frustrated, because she couldn't pin all my problems on a single, fixable pattern from their diagnostic book. I was kind of random with it all.)

 

These counselors have all been nice people, but I only ended up with hundreds of dollars out of pocket and feeling worse than when I started. The last time was this year (the six months), and she really tried. And I stuck with it, really trying to make it work. But she just ended up agreeing with whatever I said--and I'm someone who changes her mind and mindset a lot, so it just ended up confusing me more, rather than clarifying anything. After six months, I finally had to just tell her I felt better and end the sessions, like I'd done with the others.

 

I'll probably try again when my emotions take over again and things get really bad--I reach points where I don't know what else to do. But I go into the sessions realizing that they probably won't help, other than making me feel as if I'm doing SOMETHING.

 

Suzy, thank you so much for sharing your story! It DOES make me feel much better to know that I'm not alone in this situation. There are so many stories on this forum and elsewhere about either "true love" or betrayal/divorce. You don't hear much about the horrible in-between, when you just don't know whether to stay or go, and there are no clear signs either way.

 

I know it probably just comes down to talking with him about it, if I can ever get up my strength and nerve to do so. That's really the problem. I need to share with him the areas that make me think we may not be right for each other: Sometimes I just wish he was someone who was more spontaneous, who was more active with charities, who liked more philosophical conversations than we share, and who views the world with a more introspective outlook. I mean, it's that kind of intangible stuff that it really comes down to--which makes me think I'm expecting too much. We do talk and have interesting conversations. We are both physically active, we both like sports, we both love to cook, we share similar sense of humor, we both support one another, etc. It's more of a mental connection I'm looking for that seems to be missing.

 

Anyway, hopefully, I can find it in myself to talk to him about this and really get down to the root of my feelings for him and his feelings for me. Then, maybe I can move us out of this limbo I've got us stuck in.

 

Thank you again!

[Leikela]

Hi Josie,

 

That's great that you've tried counseling many times! I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you. Your counselors don't sound the greatest though. It seem like they are trying to classify you, like there's something wrong with you. I don't think ANYONE really fits a pre-determined mold. We are all different and have different emotions. Classifications only really come into play when you're talking mental illness.

 

In your case, it sounds as though there's just something missing in your relationship. You desire other traits in your mate. There's nothing wrong with that. However, you need to decide whether you can live with that or if you NEED to have the other mental stimulation.

 

I'll be honest with you. I wish my husband was more "deep". He doesn't typically talk about any deep issues and I CRAVE that. I need that kind of intellectual stimulation. This is my compromise though. I have friends that can provide that for me and I do talk with my husband and tell him that I wish we could have deeper conversations at times.

 

It takes a bit of probing but sometimes I can get him to talk deeper. Other than that, we have the same sense of humor, both enjoy sports, are both spontaneous, make each other laugh, etc etc... The pro's far outweigh the cons and I can live with that.

 

Try talking to your fiance about what you feel is missing in the relationship and see if you both can change it. If it doesn't work out and you're still miserable, then your pro's do not outweight the con's and it's time to move on with your life. You owe it to yourself. Best of luck to you Josie!!