Relationships and Abuse

[Joe]

Time and time again I see it. I've seen it everywhere from on TV, from my point of view on the job, to even having friends of mine that does this. What is the deal with women buying the "I'm changing" bit?

 

We all know what we're talking about, the guy that only knew how to be an a**h*** for his whole life. The guy that has a history of violence, the guy that beats his wife or constantly yells at her. The guy that constantly says "I'm changing" and the women actually buys it.

 

What makes women believe this? Love is a very powerful thing, but I was always brought up to look out for myself and to make sure that I'm not doing anything to subject myself to violence.

 

To me caring for yourself goes above and beyond love, caring for yourself to the point that you know when to stop and say "hey, this person isn't going to change and I am placing myself at risk by being with this person".

 

I can see how it would be hard for anyone to leave someone they love, but at what point does it become a reality that their partner is a threat to them?

 

Why does it take a good beating for a girl to realize that the guy is a threat to her? Better question is why do women continue to believe their guy will change even though he's beaten her several times already?

 

My view is once an a**h*** always an a**h***. When your whole life you grew up around that, and that's the way you are your mind is placed in a state where you know it's ok. In your mind it's ok to beat a girl, it's ok to control your girl.

 

These people cannot change by themselves. There is no way that these guys who lived their entire life like this can change over night all by themself. But yet women always says to me "He's changed so much" or "he's changing.. he said so himself".

 

Recently someone I knew was in that relationship. Swore up and down that this guy had changed. I told her the same thing, you can never be sure if a guy has changed.. you can only hope.

 

She ignored what I said, I told her that the guy needed professional help.. he can't do it on his own overnight. He did change, that is for a solid month before he beat her.

 

Now he didn't have a history of beating her, in fact he was just violent towards her using words only.

 

I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that a guy like that can't change.. I know with the right help and given the time he can change. As his mind changes, so will his heart. But it takes professional help, a ton of support, and a lot of time.

 

But no guy is going to change the way he's been his whole life over one night for one single person when he feels and knows what he is doing isn't wrong. In fact, by telling him what he is diong is wrong will only upset him more because he will become offended.

 

I want to better educate myself on this, I don't know maybe the more I learn I can give better advice to those at risk down the road.

 

What would put a girl in such a state of mind that she would put up with such abuse. She knows it's wrong, she know's it hutrs her.. but yet she stays with him and she is convinced that he will change even though it repeatedly happens over and over again.

 

I am gonna do some research over the internet, library, and such to find out more info but if anyone could at least shed some light I would apprecaite that. Perhaps a link or two with extensive information just on what I discussed here, the state of mind that would put you at risk.

 

Thanks,

 

Joe

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What would put a girl in such a state of mind that she would put up with such abuse. She knows it's wrong, she know's it hutrs her.. but yet she stays with him and she is convinced that he will change even though it repeatedly happens over and over again."

 

Many women grow up in highly abusive dysfunctional family environments where they are treated with little respect and grow up with practically no self esteem.

 

Because they are abused as children by their parents, who are supposed to "love" them, they equate love with abuse. So when the get older, the remain with abusive partners because that's the only thing they know. Furthermore, they seldom if ever seek a man who treats them kindly and with respect and consideration because this treatment is foreign to them and they are uncomfortable with it.

 

Women with low self esteem and who come from abusive families of origin stay with jerks mostly because of that. It's pathetic but it happens.

 

And they really don't want the guy to change, either, even though they might say they do. They are used to living in a state of chaos. They cannot tolerate a home environment that is calm, stable and free of the dysfunctional drama. That's why they avoid men who could provide that for them.

 

I hope I've given you a little head start in your research. You should have no trouble from here. Use the www.google.com search engine and enter such things as "dysfunctional families", "adult children", "spouse abuse", "abusive relationships," etc. and you'll find thousands of sites for your project.

[clia]

Also do a search on "battered women's syndome", which is a series of common characteristics that appear in women who are abused physically and psychologically over an extended period of time by the dominant male figure in their lives. This is so serious it's even admissible for self defense of murder in some states, or in other states as a defense in and of itself. Very interesting.

Time and time again I see it. I've seen it everywhere from on TV, from my point of view on the job, to even having friends of mine that does this. What is the deal with women buying the "I'm changing" bit? We all know what we're talking about, the guy that only knew how to be an a**h*** for his whole life. The guy that has a history of violence, the guy that beats his wife or constantly yells at her. The guy that constantly says "I'm changing" and the women actually buys it.

 

What makes women believe this? Love is a very powerful thing, but I was always brought up to look out for myself and to make sure that I'm not doing anything to subject myself to violence.

 

To me caring for yourself goes above and beyond love, caring for yourself to the point that you know when to stop and say "hey, this person isn't going to change and I am placing myself at risk by being with this person".

 

I can see how it would be hard for anyone to leave someone they love, but at what point does it become a reality that their partner is a threat to them? Why does it take a good beating for a girl to realize that the guy is a threat to her? Better question is why do women continue to believe their guy will change even though he's beaten her several times already? My view is once an a**h*** always an a**h***. When your whole life you grew up around that, and that's the way you are your mind is placed in a state where you know it's ok. In your mind it's ok to beat a girl, it's ok to control your girl. These people cannot change by themselves. There is no way that these guys who lived their entire life like this can change over night all by themself. But yet women always says to me "He's changed so much" or "he's changing.. he said so himself". Recently someone I knew was in that relationship. Swore up and down that this guy had changed. I told her the same thing, you can never be sure if a guy has changed.. you can only hope. She ignored what I said, I told her that the guy needed professional help.. he can't do it on his own overnight. He did change, that is for a solid month before he beat her. Now he didn't have a history of beating her, in fact he was just violent towards her using words only. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that a guy like that can't change.. I know with the right help and given the time he can change. As his mind changes, so will his heart. But it takes professional help, a ton of support, and a lot of time. But no guy is going to change the way he's been his whole life over one night for one single person when he feels and knows what he is doing isn't wrong. In fact, by telling him what he is diong is wrong will only upset him more because he will become offended. I want to better educate myself on this, I don't know maybe the more I learn I can give better advice to those at risk down the road.

 

What would put a girl in such a state of mind that she would put up with such abuse. She knows it's wrong, she know's it hutrs her.. but yet she stays with him and she is convinced that he will change even though it repeatedly happens over and over again. I am gonna do some research over the internet, library, and such to find out more info but if anyone could at least shed some light I would apprecaite that. Perhaps a link or two with extensive information just on what I discussed here, the state of mind that would put you at risk. Thanks, Joe

[Jenny]

I was in such a relationship for 13 years and married. I stayed because that was how I grew up. I had children to support and he did not hit me that much 3 x in 13 years. People make decisions in life. Can you live w/ the abuse? Yes, because you can live w/ most things. My husband never hurts the children or hit me in front of them. I am divorced now and involved w/ someone who treats me very nicely. However, the scars from the first relationship and my parents will haunt me forever. You should not condeme someone until you walk in their shoes. Try to help your friend by listening....and understand she may not leave for years yet to come. Although you don't understand it is her world...if you are a friend be supportive. I wish someone or anyone had been there for me. It takes alot of effort to even be able to talk about it....because it is shunned by society.

Also do a search on "battered women's syndome", which is a series of common characteristics that appear in women who are abused physically and psychologically over an extended period of time by the dominant male figure in their lives. This is so serious it's even admissible for self defense of murder in some states, or in other states as a defense in and of itself. Very interesting.

 

[Blazey]

Time and time again I see it. I've seen it everywhere from on TV, from my point of view on the job, to even having friends of mine that does this. What is the deal with women buying the "I'm changing" bit? We all know what we're talking about, the guy that only knew how to be an a**h*** for his whole life. The guy that has a history of violence, the guy that beats his wife or constantly yells at her. The guy that constantly says "I'm changing" and the women actually buys it.

 

What makes women believe this? Love is a very powerful thing, but I was always brought up to look out for myself and to make sure that I'm not doing anything to subject myself to violence.

 

To me caring for yourself goes above and beyond love, caring for yourself to the point that you know when to stop and say "hey, this person isn't going to change and I am placing myself at risk by being with this person".

 

I can see how it would be hard for anyone to leave someone they love, but at what point does it become a reality that their partner is a threat to them? Why does it take a good beating for a girl to realize that the guy is a threat to her? Better question is why do women continue to believe their guy will change even though he's beaten her several times already? My view is once an a**h*** always an a**h***. When your whole life you grew up around that, and that's the way you are your mind is placed in a state where you know it's ok. In your mind it's ok to beat a girl, it's ok to control your girl. These people cannot change by themselves. There is no way that these guys who lived their entire life like this can change over night all by themself. But yet women always says to me "He's changed so much" or "he's changing.. he said so himself". Recently someone I knew was in that relationship. Swore up and down that this guy had changed. I told her the same thing, you can never be sure if a guy has changed.. you can only hope. She ignored what I said, I told her that the guy needed professional help.. he can't do it on his own overnight. He did change, that is for a solid month before he beat her. Now he didn't have a history of beating her, in fact he was just violent towards her using words only. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that a guy like that can't change.. I know with the right help and given the time he can change. As his mind changes, so will his heart. But it takes professional help, a ton of support, and a lot of time. But no guy is going to change the way he's been his whole life over one night for one single person when he feels and knows what he is doing isn't wrong. In fact, by telling him what he is diong is wrong will only upset him more because he will become offended. I want to better educate myself on this, I don't know maybe the more I learn I can give better advice to those at risk down the road.

 

What would put a girl in such a state of mind that she would put up with such abuse. She knows it's wrong, she know's it hutrs her.. but yet she stays with him and she is convinced that he will change even though it repeatedly happens over and over again. I am gonna do some research over the internet, library, and such to find out more info but if anyone could at least shed some light I would apprecaite that. Perhaps a link or two with extensive information just on what I discussed here, the state of mind that would put you at risk. Thanks, Joe

[Blazey]

 

I don't know what i am doing wrong here ,but when i try to post response ,it comes up message posted,so if you see me on more than once one of them have a sussesful posting LOL,

 

now inresponse to your message ,I myself am presently involved in an abusive relationship,i have a 2 yr old and one on the way! i am frantically looking to upgrade my proffesion,infact i am scheduled for courses within 2 weeks,I intend to put my 2yr old in daycare and work for the next 8 monthes untill i have the baby,then take as short a paternity leave as possible.

 

the reason being is for the fact like your friend who went from phisical abuse to verbal abuse,my b-friend has not caused me the extent in physical abuse ,but throwing things and smashing things and even the markless slaps or hairpulling,which can lead to the broken bones,himself thinking he is such a cool guy,i told him he can have everything and shove it where the sun don't shine ,that i am not raising children in this invironment,well that behavior stopped,yes the i promise i will never hurt you,i aam not like that has gone to very offensive name calling infront of my child.

 

he is now kicked out of my home,i do not like to start confrontation infront of child,so he knows that if he does again on any visit with our child and soon children where ever the visit may be that he will have to take it up with the court in order to see them again untill theyare old enough to deside whether they choose to visit with him themselves,meaning I will not volenteer to take my children to visit with him if he starts insulting me again espesially in front of the little ears..like i said if he does it will be the last visit...at least through me..

 

I have realized the hard way,that yes abusive men and WOMAN do not change,they may change the behavior of abuse but they still really want that abusive control..

 

The only thing i can do is pick up and get control over my life inorder to give my children and myself a happy and safe and healthy invironment....

 

also i would like to add ,i did not grow up in an abusive invironment,infact a very happy one..I really do think that some woman are afraid becouse they have been beaten and get threatened a worst beating if they leave and some feel sorry for the partener ,thats what i did i actually felt sorry for the guy ..oh how will he survive...well he survived for 29 yrs before i met him...he can survive the rest without me,although now he tells me how will i survive financially, well if i really want to make the break i know i can do it without him i would rather learn to be finacially successful with my children then fall for the need of his help if it is intended for control!!!!

 

I have been doing alot of reading and researching myself,wondering what the heck was i thinking and i have children with this guy...I actually thought having children would help but instead i just wrecked a home for these kids a mother and father home,,and i was not living with him when i became pregnant the first time ..his actions started a year after our child was born when he moved in WITH ME!!!