Mental Abuse?

[Ladywithafan]

I have been with my bf for six years. We have been through the wringer in regards to my getting divorced, letting him have most of my money for drugs, his going to prison for drugs and returning home two years ago.

 

It seems the more I give in to him, the worse he treats me. He calls me a stupid b*tch, etc...We have been trying real hard to work through our everyday problems with each other but it still seems to come down to him being very moody no matter what I do.

 

I have put myself through the most unimagineable things (losing custody of my children and regaining half, giving into his monetary needs, keeping a roof over our heads when he didn't work for almost a year; work steady that is, paying the bills, etc...) and yet, the only time he's ever happy, it seems is when he's in an altered state of mind.

 

I don't know the person I love anymore. I feel he's much nicer to his friend than to me....although he says he loves me...he says that I talk down to him, i.e. this morning: We get up at 6:20 a.m. as he has no car and I take him to work (5miles away) so he can begin his job at 7 a.m. We had stayed up last night, having a nice time together and didn't get to bed till 2 a.m. When I woke up at 6:30, he was in the living room on the sofa watching ESPN and I said,"Do you know that it's 6:35?" Not mean or anything...he copped an attitude immediately and yelled at me for talking down to him. I went back to bed till 7 a.m., then got up, showered, had my coffee/cig and he was still on the couch...I asked him if he was going to work and he lit into me again....obviously, I left for work feeling about the size of an ant. He and I both had some cocktails, nothing serious last night, he did take a sleeping pill...I didn't, so I don't know if this has to do with his coming down from alcohol/pill...(or is that just me making an excuse for him?)...but I got up and being responsible, went to work.

 

I haven't heard from him and/nor called him and it's almost quarter to two in the afternoon. Before I left, he told me things were going to be changing...hmmmm...

 

I do feel that this is a type of continuous abuse as we have these types of mornings at least once a month...

 

I feel loads of disrespect, like he is doing this because he doesn't care and wants to create a scene/and or leave and this is a good way to do it, making me feel like the *******.

 

Yes, he is a fast, sweet talker. Yes, he always seems to get his way...I just feel like the end is near but I haven't seen the forest for the trees...

 

If I made that list up of cons vs. pros for staying in this relationship, the cons would surely outweigh the pros....Just needed to have my thoughts shared and wondering what to do before I lose my mind?

[Ladywithafan]

And now I get an apology at 3:45 p.m. Which I thanked him for...he said he's being moody and mean and it's just...fill in the blank for an excuse....I really think this is still mean...it's like you can see into his relationship with his parents and how he got treated like a child...?

 

My own mother was abusive to me as a child as well as my older, half brother, who totally left the family due to her behavior....so I know that recognizing the signs, can help to deal with what the "real" issue is...

 

...usually control...my boyfriend is also not the huggy, kissing touching person...I have two sons, 8 and 10 and let me tell ya, when I see them (they live out of state presently), they know they're in for real warmth...I wonder is this was obviously something missing in the parent's relationship and why my boyfriend is so "stiff".

 

I'm a toucher...why is it always that opposites attract?:

[blind_otter]

Well this is what you need to be prepared to deal with when he continues to abuse drugs and doesn't get any help with changing his approach to life. If he quits, he no longer uses, but will still attempt to cope with stress in a similar way.

 

It's almost like cheating. When you are with an addict you must expect, until he gets treatment, that his attempts to anesthatize himself in whatever way - TV, drugs, etc. -- will always come before you and your needs.

 

This is why it's sometimes better if you isolate the addict and withdraw financial support. They must be forced to choose for themselves what kind of life they want.

 

It seems like a classic codependent/addict relationship.

[Ladywithafan]

He has been working since May five days landscaping; as well as side jobs...as well as being a contributor to the rent/bills. So, I have not been as totally financially stressed as six months ago.

 

But, he has not put any $ aside and should he get a hair across his *ss; if I don't pick up the slack...you know the story.

[Walk]

I think you'd have a far less stressful, and less strenous life if you got rid of this guy. Basically it sounds as if the only thing you'd lose out on is not having to feed and house him, or listen to his derogatory tirades in the morning.

 

You already know that whatever his excuse his, or how many times he apologizes, his behavior isn't going to change. I think you said you'd been dating him for 6 years? He's had enough chances. He isn't going to change as long as you keep picking him out of the gutter every time things get a little bit stressful for him.

 

I really think you'll be happier and a lot less stressed out if you got rid of this guy. Not to mention... your kids are watching and learning from this guy. Who do you want in their lives? A positive role model? or the guy who can't even make it to work on a regular basis? Kids see everything, be careful what you're inadvertantly teaching them. And your relationship is telling them that its okay to disrespect women, okay to do drugs, not work, not contribute, and okay to use their mom.

 

So what do you want to teach them about life? You have to show it through actions, not words.

[Craig]

...it's like you can see into his relationship with his parents and how he got treated like a child...?

 

My own mother was abusive to me as a child as well as my older, half brother, who totally left the family due to her behavior....so I know that recognizing the signs, can help to deal with what the "real" issue is...

If ever there were a case for individual counseling this is it. You were enveloped in a co-dependent/abusive environment at an early age, from which there was no escape and so you learned to survive the best you could given the circumstances. You did the best you could at the time.

 

Circumstances changed, you moved out of the family home and set out into the world seeking a peaceful, loving, happy relationship. But you didn't have the inner resources or 'tools' to accomplish that. So you probably did what many of the rest of us did and that is gravitate unconsciously towards the familiar.

 

And so today you find yourself in a codependent/abusive relationship and the circle is complete.

 

You can break this cycle, many people have done it and sadly many people as well, have not.

 

This is where individual counseling comes in, to assist you to make the discoveries necessary so that you will be able to have, if you choose to have, a happy, peaceful, loving relationship.

 

Your new life probably won't include your current bf but it will be your healthier desires making the choice and decisions for yourself, not the codependent side of you.

[blind_otter]

If ever there were a case for individual counseling this is it. You were enveloped in a co-dependent/abusive environment at an early age, from which there was no escape and so you learned to survive the best you could given the circumstances. You did the best you could at the time.

 

Circumstances changed, you moved out of the family home and set out into the world seeking a peaceful, loving, happy relationship. But you didn't have the inner resources or 'tools' to accomplish that. So you probably did what many of the rest of us did and that is gravitate unconsciously towards the familiar.

 

And so today you find yourself in a codependent/abusive relationship and the circle is complete.

 

You can break this cycle, many people have done it and sadly many people as well, have not.

 

This is where individual counseling comes in, to assist you to make the discoveries necessary so that you will be able to have, if you choose to have, a happy, peaceful, loving relationship.

 

Your new life probably won't include your current bf but it will be your healthier desires making the choice and decisions for yourself, not the codependent side of you.

 

 

I agree with Craig. You seem to focus on the relationship so much that you neglect your self. And even if you do try to attend to you, his needs always interfere. sometimes I wonder if the addict observes and knows that you are getting healthier and acts out like a child in order to keep your attention.

Are you still going to the Al-Anon meetings?

[Ladywithafan]

I think you'd have a far less stressful, and less strenous life if you got rid of this guy. Basically it sounds as if the only thing you'd lose out on is not having to feed and house him, or listen to his derogatory tirades in the morning.

 

You already know that whatever his excuse his, or how many times he apologizes, his behavior isn't going to change. I think you said you'd been dating him for 6 years? He's had enough chances. He isn't going to change as long as you keep picking him out of the gutter every time things get a little bit stressful for him.

 

I really think you'll be happier and a lot less stressed out if you got rid of this guy. Not to mention... your kids are watching and learning from this guy. Who do you want in their lives? A positive role model? or the guy who can't even make it to work on a regular basis? Kids see everything, be careful what you're inadvertantly teaching them. And your relationship is telling them that its okay to disrespect women, okay to do drugs, not work, not contribute, and okay to use their mom.

 

So what do you want to teach them about life? You have to show it through actions, not words.

 

 

My xhusband moved out west and my children went with him as they have developed terrible mold allergies to where we are now. It was in the best interest of their health not to be here. In the past two years, they have had no contact with my bf due to all of our previous problems with bf & drugs. So, they do not see him as any kind of role model. A good thing.

 

[Ladywithafan]

Are you still going to the Al-Anon meetings

 

No, not at this time. I keep it to a three drink limit whenever I drink at the present time.

[blind_otter]

Seems to me that you're still caught up in the drama cycle and that's a shame. You have a lot more value as a person who is sober and happy, than as a person who "keeps it to a 3 drink minimum" and stays in an obsessive unhealthy cycle with a man addicted to crack cocaine. You can be a better person, be the person you always wanted to be -- but you yourself put these obstacles in your path.

 

You keep looking for a way around it. Under it. Through it. You try to drag that huge obstacle with you to attempt to move forward and are frustrated at every turn.

 

Until you conquer the obstacle, get over it, and move past it -- your life will continue to feel difficult and trying.

 

You have not achieved clarity yet. Until you do, none of this advice will make sense, and you will continue to deny deny deny until you fall into the same hole you've been falling into for x number of years.

 

I know this sounds harsh and perhaps considering my current circumstances I shouldn't post, but look. I'm leveling with you. I'm on the journey to, years younger than you with a lot less at stake. I have had these hard talks with myself. THe addict loves to deny and justify, excuse and self-abuse.

 

I know what you are going through. I know that confusion, that pain. That feeling of loss. But you are not confused, in pain, or at a loss. You simply think you are. And until you realize that, you will continue to be lost in the labyrinth.

 

I will continue to offer support if you like. But it's time to face some hard, ugly truths. I know you think you've already done it, maybe you have -- but then why the continued masochism? Why keep slamming your head on a brick wall? Why?