Needing A Few Good Listeners:)

[frusterated1968]

I wasn't sure if joining a site like this would help me through this but my friends and family are at a point where they do not want me to talk about this with them because they only see the negative, so here I am talking about this with a bunch of strangers? Please be gentle with me, my heart and my self esteem can not take to much more pain.

 

Well here goes: Last September (2005) I was involved in a very abusive relationship with an alcoholic man who spent most of his life in and out of jail - he had 4 impaired charges and 22 assault charges, I lived alone in the country w/this man and my 15 year old son and didn't see a way out. I finally got a job as a by-law enforcement officer and became friends with a police officer who was always around my work, we began talking about my relationship (alot of times I was in tears) he was very professional and advised me to break free of this man or spend my life in misery. It turned out that his gf that he lived with I have known for many years (she lived in the same small town).

 

She was a big girl and always a tomboy and a fighter and it surprised me that she was his gf. AS our talks became more frequent he would tell me of how his relationship was based on how her moods were, and if he made enough money - yet he said he loved her. A few weeks after that we were alone and the affair started. The affair gave me the strength to feel like a women again and I kicked out the loser and got a restraining order against him (he hasnt bothered me since). My affair with the policeman was the most exciting and pleasing time of my life - not about the sex - there were times I would spend hours with him while he worked the night shift - just talking, laughing etc.

 

He knew I loved him, I told him many ways in letters and cards etc. He risked his job to spend time with me, he risked his relationship to spend so much time with me, and yet every time he called things off - he would always come back!! I've seen her treat him badly, I've talked to his children who wont come to visit their dad because she makes them feel like they are an inconvience. HIs daughter adores me and I adore her, she knows nothing of my relationship with her dad except we are friends. He never told me that he loved me - only that when he is with me I make him feel like a man and that I'm not with him for his paycheck etc, that I only want his time (as little as that may be).

 

Recently he bought her an engagement ring, she denied it because it was not the "expensive one" she wanted, he then waited and bought her the expensive ring, he wanted to go and pick up the ring, she said NO - not while your damn children are with us this weekend, he again waited - I spend at least 3 nites a week with him and on Thursday nite (just passed) he told me that he had reserved a cottage for us for the weekend coming. BUT the next nite he called at 12:23am and told me that he would not be calling me anymore or seeing me again, I asked him why?? he wouldn't give me a straight answer, he just kept saying that "I should know why".

 

He said she was going to pick up the ring and that now he was confused about everything and that I needed to move on. It has been 15 months since our affair started. My question is : I love him and I know he must feel something for me to continue this affair for so long and risk so much to be with me, he isn't married to her, and I don't feel she deserves him when she should love his children as much as she loves him, so should I just give up on him or should I try to keep him. Any feedback would be welcoming and appreciated.

[Guest]

You can't let him continue his affair with you. If he wants to be with you, fine.. but he has to choose you over her. It seems for some reason he doesn't want to do that (maybe hes scared?) so I don't know if you can do a whole lot.

 

I suppose just have a night planned out where you are going to sit him down and tell him everything : how much you love him, how much you love his children, everything. but you need to tell him that he can't see both of you and he has to choose. even if his gf/fiance is a l3itch , cheating is never good. He needs to sort through his feelings and decide who he wants to be with. its great for you that he keeps coming back but you need to tell him to choose. and if he comes back but is now engaged with this other woman, you cannot let him do that to himself, you, her, and his potential marriage.

 

its a shame if hes too afraid to make an important decision if you guys get along as great as you say... but once again, he has the sole decision. sorry and good luck

[dana181]

you love him because he was your knight in shinign armour that saved you from a bad relationship but just because he did that for you does not mean that he is the one you should be with either. i know and understand what youa re going through but you need to remove your emotions from the situation and think logically: why was he buying his girl a ring when he was sleepign with you? you dont deserve that behavior. he seems like he is going to just keep hurting you and even if he does leave her, you won't be able to trust him to stay faithful to you. i know it hurts to hear this but you need to find the strength to remove yourself from him, and find a way to make it on your own ...

[FELIZE]

It appears that he took advantage of your vulnerability. If he's buying, engagement rings and trying to get married to someone else?

Well, that dosen't leave any room for you.

 

With much compassion for you,

 

I would take his advice:

[frusterated1968 quote]" that I needed to move on"

.......and do exactly that, and not look back!

[sillyyou]

i've always kept this in mind. everyone's situation is different. but keep this in mind. if you love him, let him go.

 

if he loves you back, he'll come to you. only keep him if he isn't with anyone or else you'll be back at square one.

 

you don't want to be in that kind of relationship. if he was able to appear in your life just like that, any other great man out there can also walk into you life and make you both happy. I know it's hard, but be strong. you deserve someone that can treat you better.