Am i getting played or a possible second chance

[crazy_grl]

I don't want to be rude to her so i keep responding, even after i say i'm going to go NC.

 

Don't worry about being rude. You're not. You already explained to her that you want NC. She's the one being rude by not respecting your request.

 

What does she want--really, nothing. She's just lonely or curious as to what i'm up to.

 

Too bad for her if she's lonely. She dumped you and now she expects you to comfort her because she lonely? How ridiculously selfish. Of course you love her so you're going to instinctively want to make her feel better, but you have to remind yourself it's your job anymore. Don't feel bad about not always being there for her, because she's the one who chose for it to be this way, not you.

 

I also tell her to call me. Man i should have read you guys posts before doing this.

 

Don't sweat it. We all do stupid things.

 

I need a drink or two or three or four. Today's a payday, so I'm going to get lit tonight by my damn self.

 

Just don't go drunk dialing her!

 

What are you thoughts on whether you want her back or not? Are you still hoping, decided she's no good for you, or maybe a little of each depending on the time of day?

[The write one]

It goes back and forth. somedays i'm willing to fight the GD U.S. Army to get her back and then i return to a peaceful place and realize it over , her lost, she was a loser anyway. I can go through this back and forth in a matter of minutes and if she calls i'm thinking i want her back for a day or three. so imagine the last weekend we were together. It took me a whole week to find peace. Is this back and forht normal? somedays i can talk a lot of sh## about how she's a lesbian, a loser, will never graduate, ruined my life and will end up fat and alone.

 

Then the next day, i'm like I'm going to fight for this loser lesbian. Plus i never told her i was going no cantact. I just told her i couldn't be her friend and then i went into no contact for 32 days. but she kept reaching back out to me. so i felt i should be a little more straight forward the last time we talked and i told her i wanted her back. Knowing this, why would she keep reaching out to me if that's not what she wants?

 

Is this a woman, needy, selfish, mean or dumb person thing. doesn't she understand she is just prolonging my pain. I must add though, if i don't hear from her within a week i go to a very low place within myself, so a call or email or something from her perks me back up and puts me right back on the hope train to nowhere. Am i normal?

[Guest]

Why did you break up in the first place?

Just giving you a woman's point of view here:

 

Not knowing the circumstances leading up to this, I am blindly going to tell you that she sounds like a woman who wants to get back together with you and is scared to death to tell you that.

You never told her you wanted to get back together with her. You hinted at it. Very ambiguous...did you do that on purpose? Because you're afraid to just say it too?

If neither of you can actually say "I want to get back together with you.", you might try just asking her if she's thought of getting back together and maybe ask her what she'd say if you ever did say that to her.

Otherwise, you will both just draw your own conclusions and they both could be wrong. You only live once.

[crazy_grl]

Is this back and forht normal?

 

If the experiences of myself and a large number of other people who post on this site are an accurate indicator, then yes it's very normal.

 

Plus i never told her i was going no cantact. I just told her i couldn't be her friend and then i went into no contact for 32 days.

 

Well, I guess that's not as bad as if you'd told her specifically not to call, but I'd think she should've got the message when you told her you can't be her friend. She didn't need to contact you unless it was to say she wanted you back.

 

but she kept reaching back out to me. so i felt i should be a little more straight forward the last time we talked and i told her i wanted her back. Knowing this, why would she keep reaching out to me if that's not what she wants?

 

It's possible that she wants to get back together with you. In that case, you have to consider whether that's what you really want. Is that what's best for you or are you just going through 'withdrawls'. And if she does want to get back together, is it because she really wants you or because she just wants someone? (I have to say though that if this is the way she tries to get you back, I question whether she's worth getting back. She's the one who broke up with you. She should be the one to say she wants to get back together.)

 

OR

 

She could just be lonely and miserable and looking for you to cheer her up and feed her ego without really caring how it affects you. (My vote is on this one.)

 

Until she says concretely that she wants you back, it's best that you assume it's option B. Take care of your own needs and work on moving on. It'll be a lot easier than getting your hopes up and letting her break your heart again.

 

I must add though, if i don't hear from her within a week i go to a very low place within myself, so a call or email or something from her perks me back up and puts me right back on the hope train to nowhere. Am i normal?

 

Seems fairly normal to me.

[The write one]

She said i never trusted her, lied to her, munipulated her, the realtionship didn't seem to be getting any better, I never talked to her about my problems, she's hollow, has no more to give into a relationship, she feels played...

 

Those are the words she left me with. My opinion is i became too dependent on her to satisfy my own low self esteem. I asked for sex as a way for her to show she loved me. I became a negative person. As for the lied to and munipulated...

 

together 8 years and we're both 26, but when i was in my late teens, early 20s, I didn't tell her that i smoked, that i went to a community college (instead of a university) and I threatened to break up with her a few times when i was mad at her, as opposed just telling her that i was upset about her actions. Years later she never forgave me for this stuff.

 

More recently, last year, i read her teenage years' diary and then made up a storyto catch her in a lie (she told me she had only been with two people, me included, but the diary said otherwise).

 

Ok, very stupid and immature things on my behalf, but i was young and dumb and i'm getting professional help with opening up, trust and my self esteem issues. I know i did her wrong, but she never let my childhood antics go and when i would have little minor f*** in the present day, everything else would just come back up. Eventually, i believe it became too much for her, becasue she couldn't forgive me. Plus, everything else in her life began to crumble.

 

Family: Father threatening to kill her mother becasue he's possessed by his voodoo queen mother (no joke) brother and close cousin are both losing in the game of life. She became very distant toward her family (doesn't talk to them) becasue she felt she always had to be strong for them and they never were concerned for her problems

 

Friends: Never around all long distant

 

Job: none

 

School: kicked out of doctorial program, and can't seem to get out of the Masters program she transfered to

 

Personal: She has no self esteem, needy, afraid she'll be left alone, felt everyone was using her and beleives she needs to create boudaries

 

Finances: living off student loans

 

Love life: Me...but through all of this crap in her life i was her rock and support, but as soon as i started to open up and reveal some deep dark ghost within my past, she got fustrated that i didn't tell her earlier.

 

So all of this eventually came full circle for her and she decided she had to get rid of some of the baggage, which turned out to be me. Now of course, i didn't include any of my gripes with her, but if you read ALL of my threads, you would be able to pick them out.

 

I love this woman and i have grown a lot within the last two months and i want to be there for her, but i believe she has painted this evil picture of me in her mind and its no turning back. So, yes i am scared to just come out and ask her for a second chance.I've always heard that when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it. It's like running out of love. Is this true? Can a woman's heart be retrieved?

 

She said she still loves me and always will, She also told her mother i did nothing serouisly wrong and i was a good boyfriend/fiance. and she is confused and doesn't know why she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore so what's going on with her?

 

Today she told me to call her this weekend and she flirted with me a little bit in an email message, so i am confused as to what she needs or wants. Because i love her, i am willing to be her friend, heel we were best friends, but i feel that is a munipulation becasue i would only be doing it as a way to get back with her. I've never been through this before and i don't know what to do. It's destroying every fiber within my body. This **** hurts and the wounds don't seem to heal.

[The write one]

She said i never trusted her, lied to her, munipulated her, the realtionship didn't seem to be getting any better, I never talked to her about my problems, she's hollow, has no more to give into a relationship, she feels played...

 

Those are the words she left me with. My opinion is i became too dependent on her to satisfy my own low self esteem. I asked for sex as a way for her to show she loved me. I became a negative person. As for the lied to and munipulated...

 

together 8 years and we're both 26, but when i was in my late teens, early 20s, I didn't tell her that i smoked, that i went to a community college (instead of a university) and I threatened to break up with her a few times when i was mad at her, as opposed just telling her that i was upset about her actions. Years later she never forgave me for this stuff.

 

More recently, last year, i read her teenage years' diary and then made up a storyto catch her in a lie (she told me she had only been with two people, me included, but the diary said otherwise).

 

Ok, very stupid and immature things on my behalf, but i was young and dumb and i'm getting professional help with opening up, trust and my self esteem issues. I know i did her wrong, but she never let my childhood antics go and when i would have little minor f*** in the present day, everything else would just come back up. Eventually, i believe it became too much for her, becasue she couldn't forgive me. Plus, everything else in her life began to crumble.

 

Family: Father threatening to kill her mother becasue he's possessed by his voodoo queen mother (no joke) brother and close cousin are both losing in the game of life. She became very distant toward her family (doesn't talk to them) becasue she felt she always had to be strong for them and they never were concerned for her problems

 

Friends: Never around all long distant

 

Job: none

 

School: kicked out of doctorial program, and can't seem to get out of the Masters program she transfered to

 

Personal: She has no self esteem, needy, afraid she'll be left alone, felt everyone was using her and beleives she needs to create boudaries

 

Finances: living off student loans

 

Love life: Me...but through all of this crap in her life i was her rock and support, but as soon as i started to open up and reveal some deep dark ghost within my past, she got fustrated that i didn't tell her earlier.

 

So all of this eventually came full circle for her and she decided she had to get rid of some of the baggage, which turned out to be me. Now of course, i didn't include any of my gripes with her, but if you read ALL of my threads, you would be able to pick them out.

 

I love this woman and i have grown a lot within the last two months and i want to be there for her, but i believe she has painted this evil picture of me in her mind and its no turning back. So, yes i am scared to just come out and ask her for a second chance.I've always heard that when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it. It's like running out of love. Is this true? Can a woman's heart be retrieved?

 

She said she still loves me and always will, She also told her mother i did nothing serouisly wrong and i was a good boyfriend/fiance. and she is confused and doesn't know why she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore so what's going on with her?

 

Today she told me to call her this weekend and she flirted with me a little bit in an email message, so i am confused as to what she needs or wants. Because i love her, i am willing to be her friend, heel we were best friends, but i feel that is a munipulation becasue i would only be doing it as a way to get back with her. I've never been through this before and i don't know what to do. It's destroying every fiber within my body. This **** hurts and the wounds don't seem to heal.

[Guest]

I really think you both don't dare to say what you feel to each other. Feel her out-ask her if she's thought about getting back to gether w/ you. It sounds like she has. You can get direct answers without admitting your feelings first. You are both sending each other mixed signals regarding this.

As to the rest of it, it sounds like you both have your issues. I can relate and it is frustrating. All we can do is try.

I don't know if someone can regain feelings they've lost for someone. Usually when someone really doesn't care anymore there is no doubt about it and the other person sees that and moves on.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in ones issues, or each others issues and even if you are there, you don't even realize that you really are not until after. I've done it. And no, we haven't done anything "wrong" so to speak, just did what we thought was the right thing. If you do get back together, you both will have to be very vigilant in making sure you don't fall back into that again. It's hard.

[Yamaha]

I would just ask her what the hell she wants with you. I think you are going to have to push her and find out the reason she keeps in contact or she will just string you along until she either decides she wants to get back together or she finds someone else to occupy her time. You may not like her answer and she may not even know herself but you need to push it so you can have closure.

[Ruff Ryder]

The write one,

 

My oppion on this is probley irrelavent. It sounds like she is into you but in the same tone trying to play games and send you on a guilt trip. HMMMMMM

 

Makes one think what she really wants. I think she wants to know that she can still have you. I think she wants to know you still into her. I think she is trying to win in her games. I think you need to lay the ground work and play by your rules and not hers.

 

i also think that you can get this girl back I really do. I dont think that you should take her back (sorry she sounds twisted.) I think that you need to reasses what you want and I think that you have skills in this fiels I mean after all its your life and you know whats best.

 

Are you getting played YES but only if you dont know the game. If you know the game then you should be doing the playing...

 

Peace out.

[The write one]

She does it everytime and, hell, she good at it.

 

Well, Thursday night while out drinking it up with a female co-worker of mine, the ex calls.

 

I tell my coworker and she says the fact that she always calls when i'm out with someone shows we have a deep connection. Whatever. Well, i picked up and tell her that i'm busy and i'll call her later.

 

I call much later that night or should i say morning. We chat, have a good convo, i once again throw very very suttle hints about getting back together--she doesn't take the bait.

 

However, i did manage to get her to tell me why she was fronting on going out with me again. As usually, she drew her own conclusion and thought that by saying she has to think about it, she wouldn't get hurt just in case i later said i didn't want to go with her.

 

WTF...I never acted like that in the relationship, so why would i do that? Plus I asked her out and as i suspected she wanted to go. But she had to front like she was not really interested to save face. Stupid! So i shoot back with "I think a failure to communicate was a problem within our relationship."

 

Just that comment got her all excited--like i had finally understood something for the fiirtst time in 8 years. But with her little "i have to think about it, but i'm leaning toward yes" I know it wasn't just me that wasn't getting this concept within the realionship.

 

She also told me that she was at first mad that i said i planned to do something else, but then she realized she waited too long to respond to my date proposal and the whole time she really wanted to go.

 

So stupid me and my stupid wants asked her to go out with me tonight (Saturday). She said yes. So we're getting up for the evening. Bad move...I don't know just yet. But i'm going to use you guys' advice to feel her out and be more direct with what i want from her (A Second Chance) Also, during our phone convo, she tells me she's lonely and when i make a joke about avioding certian parts of the city so i won't run into her (there is truth in all jest) She starts crying and tells me "please, don't say that please."

 

Well, she continues about not having any friends and no one to talk to and i ask her if she's been out on any dates. She says no because she's not emotionally there and doesn't want to date. Then she ask me and i say "I've been on a few." I at first felt guilty and wrong for telling her that.

 

But it's trueand i didn't dump her, so me moving on or trying too should be understood. However, i'm dealing with a different animal hear when it come to getting the right signals--as you all can see through out this thread.

 

Anyway, she starts throwing in comments like "my girls" and "all your women," I just down play it and say there's no women. Regardless, now she knows and i don't know if that helps or hurts my chances.

 

So to all, pray for me to find some type of clarity tonight while out with her. I'm getting a lot of job offers in another state and i may have to leave her city soon, so i'm asking God to either ship me off alone or let her come back to me. Which ever happens first is what i'm going to assume was meant to be.

[johnnytable]

Woah woah woah

 

I didn't read this thread. I didn't even get past the second paragraph, there was no need to.

 

Her life sucks in every aspect and you are posting a thread about a possible second chance?

 

You need to shift your focus away from this and discover what it is inside of you that makes you want to be with somebody who's life sucks in every aspect. It is totally silly.

 

If I was a dating service and I found a match for you with this description:

 

-She is good looking

-Her life totally sucks otherwise

 

Would you be hopping to get a date with this one? Maybe you could fix her up so that her life didn't suck so bad and maybe you would feel better? Maybe you would have a purpose?

 

Stop having contact with this person and figure out what is going on with you that makes you want to be with her. People can give you advice here on how to get her back, what she may be thinking, etc. This is just avoiding the big issue of why you want to be with her.

 

I'm speaking from experience. I've been there myself.