anna13 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Hi everyone , my prior posts are "he left me " and " my emotions are trying to take over" . So things are going as good as they can right now , so far, my husband seems to want to eventually move back in together. we both agree definitly now and maybe not even in 6 months. He called me yesterday to check up on us since we had kinda a natural disaster yesterday. we agreed to call each other when the power came back on . so when it did , I didnt call him , although I kinda wanted to . and he did call me later in the evening when his power came on but i didnt answer. I always have it in my mind to give him space.. and I know that not calling him often is giving him space . which i agree is a good thing. but i am wondering is it wrong of me not to answer when he calls me , since I feel like things are improving ? I guess I feel guilty about not answering the phone when he calls now. he did leave me a message that his electricity came on late and he would talk to me later. hmm.. maybe i am just moody . I miss him , and even though he has said positive things , I can't seem to shake my insecurities . but I am different than before , before I would have called him and told him about all these emotions i am feeling , now i just hold it in mostly or at least not tell him . I can see things are going better between us , but yet I miss him , and feel just messed up in general. I keep telling myself that ok , men dont have to talk to you all the time about how they feel because when they tell you how they feel and that is how they feel . when they feel the relationship is going well they dont really feel the need to repeat that it is . I guess, ... men are from mars women are from venus right ? . just feeling alone today . Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Hi Anna, Well you know that we both kind of feel the same way. You are doing the right thing though although it may not seem like it. I always felt like if I didnt answer his call then we would eventually loose our connection. And we have lost a connection. I barely know what to say to him when he does come around. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I think by you not answering the phone helps only you. It atleast gives you the power and that must feel good in your situation. And I dont know about you but sometimes before when I use to answer his phone calls I would feel worse after hanging up. He may say something to me that would hurt me. So I truly beleive that you are doing the right thing although it probalby doesnt feel like it. You are a strong women. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 If you agreed to call each other when the power came back on then you should have. Its not only you he's concerned about but also his kids. This isn't about a battle of wills, its about you being able to find peace with yourself, by yourself. And no one said you didn't need to answer the phone when he calls.....just not for you to constantly be calling him. That ends up being a catalyst to the rupturing of a M. Since that was one of the things you would do that was troubling to the M, then you being able to internalize somewhat is a good thing. You want to share your life, your happiness, your stress, your achievements, and you are feeling like you don't have anyone to share all that right now. But you do ~ that's why we're here. On the flip side, you should never feel like you have to internalize everything. That can lead to misunderstandings, failure to communicate, hurt and anger. Don't be afraid to say what you are feeling ~ it sounded more like you were rehashing over and over the daily strife of life to him, the everyday problems. Sharing too much right now isn't a good idea though at the moment. Let your M get working again before you do that. Last thing you both need right now is the "daily discussions". Don't change yourself too much. When I was going thru my separation, I went from myself: independent, strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn and being able to think for myself, to someone who wasn't me: meek, mild, no opinion, bend-over-backwards, timid little mouse who was afraid the wrong move would push him farther away. That wasn't me, it was a reaction to the situation. I'd put so much of the blame for him walking away onto my own shoulders that it virtually tore me to the quick and broke me down to nothing. Now that I'm back the way I was ~ some may not like it but they don't live my life ~ I'm much happier being me again. You're doing all the right moves, Anna. Remember, you are only in control of yourself, not the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 He definitly new the kids were good, we had talked about it earlier. I had everything taken care of , food, water , shelter ect for the next few days if needed.. he said he was relieved to hear that. i guess he said that he was going to call me later when the power came back on because he only has a cell phone and with no power he couldnt charge it and his work may be trying to call him later and he didnt want the battery to be exaughsted. I know it wasnt a "serious" call it was more like just talking about the crazyness that day . I am good about internalizing most of what i feel now so not to overburden him . I know what you mean though Lor , about not keeping everything from him because i have a right to be heard and there are things to be discussed sometimes that need to be . good and bad. I definitly don't take the total balme for our seperation but i do take the blame for my part in the the deterioration of the M . we dont have heavy discussions about anything right now , just some mentioning of things time to time from him or from me but I have learned that there is so much we can say about a subject , and then it should be done with the subject( time limit ourselves per topic). at least for the time being . so that our conversations can involve other more positive conversations. Thanks for opening my eyes once again to things that i have to be aware of. I am going to be carefull not to change myself too much either, not only for my own sake but my husband was atrractedto me initially because i was more positive , more sronger and independant when we met. I wasnt always so needy . borkenhearted29 ~ i think that i am afraid of that alot , that he will say something that will hurt my feelings and then we would say goodbye and i would be left feeling depressed and stressed. sometimes it almost seems like it's better to miss his call and just hear him say on the voicemail, I'll call you again later. I too at first didnt know what to say to my H ... but it is very slowly getting better. but still sometimes it is hard to have a subject other than our seperation ..but i have managed not to discuss our seperation for the most part, for now , trying to work on becoming friends again and i think that has helped improve things. but i know that you know exactly what i am going through. I think you are much stronger than I am from reading what you have acomplished. I called him today ( maybe i shouldnt have) , but i left a voicemail that my power did come back on and that we can talk later. I wont be calling him again , I'll just wait till he calls me again ... he has to work the next few days anyway. I am controllling my own thoughts, because i seem to always have this "even though he says this what if he meant that " and I realize that is all in my head , he is telling me what he told me , i should just except it and be content for now right? Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 He definitly new the kids were good, we had talked about it earlier. I had everything taken care of , food, water , shelter ect for the next few days if needed.. he said he was relieved to hear that. i guess he said that he was going to call me later when the power came back on because he only has a cell phone and with no power he couldnt charge it and his work may be trying to call him later and he didnt want the battery to be exaughsted. I know it wasnt a "serious" call it was more like just talking about the crazyness that day . I am good about internalizing most of what i feel now so not to overburden him . I know what you mean though Lor , about not keeping everything from him because i have a right to be heard and there are things to be discussed sometimes that need to be . good and bad. I definitly don't take the total balme for our seperation but i do take the blame for my part in the the deterioration of the M . we dont have heavy discussions about anything right now , just some mentioning of things time to time from him or from me but I have learned that there is so much we can say about a subject , and then it should be done with the subject( time limit ourselves per topic). at least for the time being . so that our conversations can involve other more positive conversations. Thanks for opening my eyes once again to things that i have to be aware of. I am going to be carefull not to change myself too much either, not only for my own sake but my husband was atrractedto me initially because i was more positive , more sronger and independant when we met. I wasnt always so needy . borkenhearted29 ~ i think that i am afraid of that alot , that he will say something that will hurt my feelings and then we would say goodbye and i would be left feeling depressed and stressed. sometimes it almost seems like it's better to miss his call and just hear him say on the voicemail, I'll call you again later. I too at first didnt know what to say to my H ... but it is very slowly getting better. but still sometimes it is hard to have a subject other than our seperation ..but i have managed not to discuss our seperation for the most part, for now , trying to work on becoming friends again and i think that has helped improve things. but i know that you know exactly what i am going through. I think you are much stronger than I am from reading what you have acomplished. I called him today ( maybe i shouldnt have) , but i left a voicemail that my power did come back on and that we can talk later. I wont be calling him again , I'll just wait till he calls me again ... he has to work the next few days anyway. I am controllling my own thoughts, because i seem to always have this "even though he says this what if he meant that " and I realize that is all in my head , he is telling me what he told me , i should just except it and be content for now right?[/quote Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Hey Anna, I know exactly what you mean. sometimes when we are together for a few minutes I'm not sure what to say to him. And I think he feels the same becasue he is lost also. For example on Sunday he stopped by for a few minutes and we had a moment to talk, but we didnt know what to talk about. We have totally lost each other and I'm not for sure how to get that back. I truly think that you have a chance on saving your marriage. Your husband seems to still care about you guys. So keep your head up and stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I called him today ( maybe i shouldnt have) , but i left a voicemail that my power did come back on and that we can talk later. I wont be calling him again , I'll just wait till he calls me again ... he has to work the next few days anyway. I am controllling my own thoughts, because i seem to always have this "even though he says this what if he meant that " and I realize that is all in my head , he is telling me what he told me , i should just except it and be content for now right? You did good, Anna. You are where so many of us should have been! You've got your head on straight, whether it feels like it or not. the phone call? Yes, you should have ~ no harm done; you weren't crying, screaming, raging, whimpering, begging, pleading....believe it or not, even if it may not seem like it to you, you are very strong and level headed for going thru this. BK is right ~ you have a serious shot at getting him back and getting your M back on track. Keep the pace up, try not to take any steps back. I'd really like to see another sucess story on here for a change. Brokenhearted ~ as far as you not knowing what to say when you see him, that too is natural. All of your thought processes want to scream come home! when you see him and ask all the million and one questions running thru your head. Since you search for things to say, maybe you should start up a list on paper of things that you can talk about with him that don't involve your situation. With crunch time its hard enough to try and think of them ~ if they are somewhere accessible, say like a kitchen cabinet that you happen to need something from when he shows up.....it will make it easier for you to calm your thoughts and engage him in an actual conversation again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 So things are going as good as they can right now , so far, my husband seems to want to eventually move back in together. we both agree definitly now and maybe not even in 6 months. . I read my thread again and I just wanted to correct this part above,( i meant that we both agree definitly not now and maybe not in 6 months. ) That was a big oops. thanks Lor , I was being hard on myself for calling him but i feel a little better about it after i read your post. I am still sticking with giving him space, but I wont be beating myself up for calling him but I wont make it a habit BrokenHearted~ I know when i started to talk to my H , I was having trouble , the last thing i wanted to talk about was the weather. maybe talk about what has been on the news lately that was interesting or ask him how his week is going ect. I know it feels so odd because of the heavy situation ( like talking around an elephant in the living room) but after a few times of "wierd conversation " with my H , things are a bit more smooth going . trust me , I dont even feel like talking sometimes but i do try to make conversation during awkward quiet moments. I just focus on rebuilding the friendship. . that helps me stay focused. also sometimes we just sit together and watch our son play a little , and just spend time together quietly watching our son. and we would talk about him here and there , that breaks the ice too. Link to post Share on other sites
KieraM Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Hi Anna. Just wanted to say "hello" and let you know that I wondered how things were going for you. I hoped you were at a good place, and things seem hopeful. I'm glad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 19, 2006 Author Share Posted October 19, 2006 thank you KieraM , things seem hopefull but we have to see , time will tell . but thank you again for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
KieraM Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 lol...how does that saying go? Something like, "Hope for the best, expect the worst?" Somewhat Odd Story I don't know if I told you, but on my thread, you had mentioned avoiding places you used to go with the H to run errands. I had been doing the same thing! Funny thing is, the only supermarket that I haven't gone to with mine is about 45 minutes away - hour and a half round trip. I always have friends that come with me and it's become a joke. We call it our weekly "road trip." Imagine the laugh we had when one of them actually packed and lugged out a suitcase just to be a sm*rt#ss when we picked her up. Hmm...maybe you had to be there for a belly laugh. I hope it made you smile a little bit, or maybe a roll of the eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 lol...how does that saying go? Something like, "Hope for the best, expect the worst?" Somewhat Odd Story I don't know if I told you, but on my thread, you had mentioned avoiding places you used to go with the H to run errands. I had been doing the same thing! Funny thing is, the only supermarket that I haven't gone to with mine is about 45 minutes away - hour and a half round trip. I always have friends that come with me and it's become a joke. We call it our weekly "road trip." Imagine the laugh we had when one of them actually packed and lugged out a suitcase just to be a sm*rt#ss when we picked her up. Hmm...maybe you had to be there for a belly laugh. I hope it made you smile a little bit, or maybe a roll of the eyes. That is funny ..lol .. but definitly worth it isnt it yea that did put a smile on my face when I read abou your road trip . that is pretty classic lol . I saw my H the other day , we visited and ate lunch . Us and our toddler. we had decent time. I can tell that he is still somewhat distant but I have stuck to my guns and kept cool and just tried to stay positive. at the end of the day he gave me a kiss goodbye on the lips , thats a good sugn I think. I think the "space " I have given him is helping him sort things out in his head. I do think sometimes that if this doesnt work out I will be even in worse shape than I was when we first seperated. but I read in a book that I shouldnt be focusing on something that hasnt happened ( divorce )and I should be focused on working on the relationship. but it is a scary thing . a friend of mine told me to try to live in the "now" not before and not in the future. ao I try to focus on that. I still miss my H alot . most likely more then he misses me , but I am going to hang in there. we have talked about going to the movies together as a family , to include my teenager in the outing , my H agrees that he has to rebuild his relationship with my teen as well if things are too get better. so not too long of an outing , more like a movie and go home . or a movie and lunch and then we go home . It makes me a little nervous but I think it is the right thing to do . I talked to my teen about it and he seems to agree with the plan . i am thinking sometime in the nexdt two weeks. it isnt in stone but it is something that we (H) talked about , and I definitly dont want to and dont need to repeat myself with my H . because that was one of the issues that troubled my H . anyway thought I would update everyone to what is going on right now. thanks again KieraM , that post about the grocery store trip does make me giggle Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 21, 2006 Author Share Posted October 21, 2006 today is the day we are going to the movies together. the whole family . I'm hoping that it goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 21, 2006 Share Posted October 21, 2006 Good luck Anna. I'm sure everything will go just find. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 21, 2006 Share Posted October 21, 2006 today is the day we are going to the movies together. the whole family . I'm hoping that it goes well. Good luck and if nothing else just enjoy the day at the movies! Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 Well, we all went to the movies.. on the way to meet my H , my teen was beeing absolutely annoying, wouldn't keep still and nearly took my toddlers eye out by playing to rough with toys in the back seat after i repeatedly said to stop playing so rough. so I lost it and yelled at him about what he did. good thing my toddlers eye was ok , I know it wasnt intentional but i was just thinking why today , then my teen started to give attitude like I dont want to see (H) ... my life is good without him . I was furious because till that moment he said he was fine with it , now it was all attitude. I told him why are you saying this now , today? why ? my teen said he was frustrated I yelled at him about the "accident" I said that has nothing to do with meeting the H . anyway afterwards my teen said he wants to see my H but he is nervous. but I already knew this was a bad start we havent even met with my H yet.. the day went well together the rest of the day . I did not mention to my H what happened in the car. we had lunch and the movie. so that day was good. that was saturday. on my way home with the kids my teen said it is better this way seeing the H once in a while ... I told him that we are working on things right now and we may move back in together , we are all taking it slowly . but the wanted result is that my H moves back in . anyway , i called my H the next day because my toddler had a hard time at the park , some mean kids ,and he wanted to talk to daddy. so i called my H and let them talk my toddler felt better. I havent called him since , this morning I am feeling lonely , a little angry and frustrated. I know he works tonight I wish he would call this morning . he wanted to see us again tomoro or the day after , cause he is off work those days. I feel like even though things seem to be going better , I feel insecure. I called him this morning ( it is still about 10 am here) asked him to give us a call today if he can because I want to know what the plan is for tomoro or the next day after, i dont want to be wondering which day he wants to spend together, when he can just tell me. . I feel wierd , kinda like i am talking to the tax man or something , like i have to be carefull what i said , like a business deal on a tight rope. I dont know if that makes sense. I really hate it . He has said nothing bad , but because he doesnt call I feel rejected and lonely. I guess i wanted to vent. I feel stupid for calling him this morning but i felt like i had to . I guess maybe i conviced myself that we are working things out slowly but we are so i can call him , but i guess that is the wrong thing to do . I feel really hurt right now almost angry about living this way . but i am still trying to look at the end result that i want which is for us to live together as a family again . this is just my old demons coming back out. I have to stop this that I am feeling and thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Since my wife and I seperated... I have seen a difference in the attitude of both my boys... My step son/12 and my son 5... Both have on occassion given me some serious attitude... nothing like this before... it is confusing and it hurts... as I do not want to be seperated from them or their mother... and it feels they are angry at me for not living with them.... Some times when I call them... when I don't have them.. It seems I get the brush off.. and the conversation is limited... this is also confusing for me.. as I always had pretty good conversations with my s/son... and always with son. I put it down to the confusion of the entire seperation has caused the boys. I tell myself this... because... (A) it makes sence (B) the alternative would be that they don't want to see me because they are angry at me. I know the attitude is also experienced by my DW.. as I have overheard peices of conversations while talking with both of the boys and I can hear in the background.. the other son talking/back talking to their mom. Also.. she her self has told me of a couple of incidents where he has crossed the line... and gone a little to far.... something he has never done before... ie..name calling:( That is very hard to hear.. as they were for the most part.. happy boys... normal in every way.... I guess the point to this is... because of what is going on in your families life.. is confusing for everyone... and teens are already in a confused state as it is..... hard time to be alive when you are a teen... and to be going through this at this stage of life... must be realy hard.... I know my own s/son is outwardly showing he is ok... but the anger is evident... when ever he pulls the attitude... I have learned to be much more understanding.... I guess this makes sence? Good luck ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Hi Anna, I'm glad to hear that the movies went okay. My son has been so bad lately. Just not listening to me at all. He is so hyper already and he is just non stop. He is a lot of work and I wish I could have some help, but thats okay. I cant imagine having a tennager. You are doing good! I just dont have much advice for a teenager:mad: Just keep communicating with your teenager about the stiuation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 I definitly know about Hyper kids, my teen was diagnosed borderline ADHD. it was controlled mostly by structure. but my teen has always had high energy and it does take alot out of a parent so I understand that. teenagers are teenagers. their moods are all over the place and so I try to understand but like you said ,.I try to keep communication open with him . so far it is ok but sometimes , my teen just makes me worryand makes me crazy at the same time . Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 I definitly know about Hyper kids, my teen was diagnosed borderline ADHD.. When he was younger that is around 6-7 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 My parents always tell me that my son needs to take pills becasue he is so hyper. But I think he is just a 5 year old boy with so much energy. I dont think he has ADHD. How young was your son when you took him to get tested? It is very hard for me especially now since I'm going to school full time and his dad is not around much. I wish his dad would grow up and see what he is missing. They dont stay young forever. He will realize when it is too late. He told us that he was going to make it to his football game tonight. Well he gets off work at 6pm and the game ends at 630. So he would only get to see 15 minutes of the game, but so what he should want to be there. Well he didnt show and I called him and he sounded like he was with a few friends. I dont understand it! You are 31 years old and you are living for you and not your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 My parents always tell me that my son needs to take pills becasue he is so hyper. But I think he is just a 5 year old boy with so much energy. I dont think he has ADHD. How young was your son when you took him to get tested? It is very hard for me especially now since I'm going to school full time and his dad is not around much. I wish his dad would grow up and see what he is missing. They dont stay young forever. He will realize when it is too late. He told us that he was going to make it to his football game tonight. Well he gets off work at 6pm and the game ends at 630. So he would only get to see 15 minutes of the game, but so what he should want to be there. Well he didnt show and I called him and he sounded like he was with a few friends. I dont understand it! You are 31 years old and you are living for you and not your kids. My s/son biological father is like this... my DW incourage him to be a part of his son's life... but the jack ass decided his time was more important to party... and what ever else the arse wants to... Myself and my DW had to deal with a upset little boy cause his birth father did not show on this weekend or that weekend... or only called once in a blue moon... In fact we did not hear from the prick for almost 6 months... Now... he would rather spend his time with me.... Now I am seperated from my wife... but I still see my s/son and my own son at least once a week... and I call pretty much everynight to see how their day was.... I could not imagine rather hanging out with Buddies... when the boys need a Dad!... Well maybe thats just me;) ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted29 Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 You are a good man ilmw! Not many out there. You say you are seperated. I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 You are a good man ilmw! Not many out there. You say you are seperated. I hope things work out for you. Thankyou:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna13 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Share Posted October 30, 2006 My s/son biological father is like this... my DW incourage him to be a part of his son's life... but the jack ass decided his time was more important to party... and what ever else the arse wants to... Myself and my DW had to deal with a upset little boy cause his birth father did not show on this weekend or that weekend... or only called once in a blue moon... In fact we did not hear from the prick for almost 6 months... Now... he would rather spend his time with me.... Now I am seperated from my wife... but I still see my s/son and my own son at least once a week... and I call pretty much everynight to see how their day was.... I could not imagine rather hanging out with Buddies... when the boys need a Dad!... Well maybe thats just me;) ilmw Seriously you are a great guy . . such a great example of maturity . when it comes to rasing kids. too many people just want to drop all responsibility when their relationship deteriorates. good to hear all men aren't that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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