feeling troubled...

[brokenhearted29]

Anna, its okay to feel the way u do. I have been there and done that. It feels so good when they come home and then the next day they want to do there own thing. It kind of makes you confused again. It did me. It sounds like your teen handled the situation well. I would praise him for that. Let him know that you really appericate that. It made your night a whole lot easier. I think when they first come home it does feel awkward. You really dont know what to say and at the same time you dont want to say the wrong thing. Its very scary. I wonder why he said think twice about spending the night. You didnt mention it at all to him. Does he want to make you feel bad? Men have a funny way of showing their feelings. Then when you atleast expect it something gets slapped in your face and your feeling get hurt. Girl I wish I had the answer for that! Its okay for him to do his thing you feel sad becasue you got to spend a night with him and you want more than one night. MEn seem to get your hopes up for nothing. I think you are doing the right thing, I wouldnt call him the next two days. Give him some space and let him think about your day together. He will call you.

[anna13]

after thanksgivng i think my husband misses us more. and i miss him more. he asked me a few days ago if he could spend the night more often because he misses us. I should be extatic right? so why aren't I .( sorry for that grammer lol) I am but there is a fear i guess . a fear that things will not go well. today I feel like I am heading for a breakdown . . being home all day with my teen and toddler was just too much for me today . thank God my toddler is napping because my brain was just burnt out already . I didnt want to take the kids out today because I am trying to save money and we went to the aquarium yesterday. my brain is just split from stress. hopefully my toddler will sleep for more then an hour so I have some down time. I an angry that i feel this way . just so frustrated, and I will never tell my husband this because he might not be able to "handle it" .. so I just don't know I guess I am alone at this then. I feel like everything is a balancing act and i am the one who is at the bottom trying to balance everyone and everything . I am just burnt out today. had to vent . thanks for reading.

[anna13]

i talked to him tonight just a little . he says he misses us ( the family) then he said his next day off was thursday , he call me later, no realy specific time or anything I guess when he feels like it . what a jerk he is sometimes. I still felt better talking to him , what a sap i am sometimes. but I am glad we are still moving in a positive direction.

[PWSX3]

i talked to him tonight just a little . he says he misses us ( the family) then he said his next day off was thursday , he call me later, no realy specific time or anything I guess when he feels like it . what a jerk he is sometimes. I still felt better talking to him , what a sap i am sometimes. but I am glad we are still moving in a positive direction.

anna at least you guys are talking, I see that as a positive. The only time the W will talk to me is if it has something to do with our son.

I did call her a couple times last week, I asked her how her Thanksgiving went and she said good.

If you are talking then at least like you said you can move forward.

 

I wish I could come help you watch your kids some evening because I really feel you deserve the time to yourself, but I can't so the only thing I can do is wish you luck and to let you know there are people here pulling for you.

[brokenhearted29]

hey anna, thats great that he called. I no its frustrating but hang in there. Things are moving in the right direction for you. I think that your kids just have you stressed out. Your H should acknowledge that and take them for a few hours. But men have a hard time looking past that. They are selfish and worry about their needs. just hang in there he will be home soon.

[anna13]

anna at least you guys are talking, I see that as a positive. The only time the W will talk to me is if it has something to do with our son.

I did call her a couple times last week, I asked her how her Thanksgiving went and she said good.

If you are talking then at least like you said you can move forward.

 

I wish I could come help you watch your kids some evening because I really feel you deserve the time to yourself, but I can't so the only thing I can do is wish you luck and to let you know there are people here pulling for you.

Thank you so much for the support , this place is pretty much the only place I can get support from . I have no family other then my own children , and it means alot to me to think that there are people who are listening to me and do care about what is going on in my life. I so appreciate it . as for moving forward , I wonder if i ever will really move forward. even if my H and I somehow work things out , I cant see it . all I see is daily controll over my emotions, just feel like it is turining into a job staying married. and If we dont stay together , I feel like i will fall apart. My H and I are moving in a good direction , I Love him , but I can see that he has changed , maybe because he is not living with us , I dont know , I feel like I dont know who he is sometimes. and me , well even though the kids are really overwhelming to me sometimes. It still feels good not to worry about my teen and my H arguing. they hardly did before but when they do it stresses me out soooo badly. I miss my H , but I wonder if I will be happy. I looked at my ring driving home, there are no butterflies like there used to be years ago. please don't get me wrong , I want us to work out , be together , till we grow old , it is just that I am afraid of the future I guess.

[anna13]

hey anna, thats great that he called. I no its frustrating but hang in there. Things are moving in the right direction for you. I think that your kids just have you stressed out. Your H should acknowledge that and take them for a few hours. But men have a hard time looking past that. They are selfish and worry about their needs. just hang in there he will be home soon.

Thank You for your support I'll be hanging in there , it is all I can do . when I was first married I believed that if you have to work at a marriage then you shouldnt be married. I used to believe that if you feel like that you are not meant to be. But look at me now , working at it , trying to keep us together. was I completely wrong about marriage not having to be work ? or was that just a young girls thoughts that didn't know better. I think the later. things are going pretty well .. the cause of my stress isnt about me and him now , it is him and my teen . I have to watch myself not to nag because that was my side of the issue. I dont know . I just hope things go the way I hope . so far there are positive signs . I just have to take it a day at a time I guess

[anna13]

[quote=PWSX3;994006

 

I wish I could come help you watch your kids some evening because I really feel you deserve the time to yourself, but I can't so the only thing I can do is wish you luck and to let you know there are people here pulling for you.

alsoo ~ that's really nice of you to say ty .

[anna13]

My H called me tonight , he wants to spend the night tomoro . He says he misses my toddler and us. and wants to come around more often so that the kids will be used to him coming around more and more for when he moves back in .. ( yup he said it) . but , I am nervous about him spending the night , My teen says he is ok with it , but i still feel uneasy . my teen is ok for now but when i tell him tomoro who knows how he will react. maybe I am just worrying way too much . he wants to bring some laundry over too ... whatever . but i guess it makes sense to just do them here instead of paying to do them . I am so happy that my husband misses us , but i feel anxious and I am not really sure why axactly.

[Ladyjane14]

....maybe I am just worrying way too much .

 

Yeah Anna, I think it's a good possibility that you ARE worrying too much.

 

Raising teenagers is trying under the best of circumstances. Teenage boys are experiencing huge amounts of physical GROWTH as well as an large influx of testosterone. It's normal for them to be moody at this age. Throw in an uncertain future regarding his family situation, and it's not surprising that you don't know if you're getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde on a minute to minute basis.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong... but didn't I read somewhere that your husband has been with this child since he was one year old? And if he has, and he wasn't quite so standoffish in regards to parenting before, why is he that way now?

 

This is a time in your boy's life when he really could use a man's guidance... and more often than not, he's not always going to react pleasantly to getting it.

That's just part and parcel with having two large male animals living under one roof top. Younger male is going to test his boundaries... older male will rein him in. Bickering is part of the equation, and probably preferable to the way things were done historically.... with older male ususally giving physical discipline on the back lawn.

 

Your man was a teenage boy once. He ought to still be able to identify with the tumultuous feelings he had way back then. If he can't... you've got bigger problems than just the normal noise and conflict that go along with growing up.

 

Assuming that your husband really does have your boy's best interest at heart, and that you wouldn't bother to agonize over a guy who didn't.... reassure your boy that his step-father is still going to be there for him regardless of what happens in the marriage. And then remind your husband that alot of this moodiness is normal if he'll remember back to his own teenage career.

 

They're both going to get frustrated with one another frequently, and more than likely they'll bring their complaints to you whenever it happens. But that's just normal too.

 

In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy the rare peaceful moments whenever you're blessed with them.

[ilmw]

Yeah Anna, I think it's a good possibility that you ARE worrying too much.

 

Raising teenagers is trying under the best of circumstances. Teenage boys are experiencing huge amounts of physical GROWTH as well as an large influx of testosterone. It's normal for them to be moody at this age. Throw in an uncertain future regarding his family situation, and it's not surprising that you don't know if you're getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde on a minute to minute basis.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong... but didn't I read somewhere that your husband has been with this child since he was one year old? And if he has, and he wasn't quite so standoffish in regards to parenting before, why is he that way now?

 

This is a time in your boy's life when he really could use a man's guidance... and more often than not, he's not always going to react pleasantly to getting it.

That's just part and parcel with having two large male animals living under one roof top. Younger male is going to test his boundaries... older male will rein him in. Bickering is part of the equation, and probably preferable to the way things were done historically.... with older male ususally giving physical discipline on the back lawn.

 

Your man was a teenage boy once. He ought to still be able to identify with the tumultuous feelings he had way back then. If he can't... you've got bigger problems than just the normal noise and conflict that go along with growing up.

 

Assuming that your husband really does have your boy's best interest at heart, and that you wouldn't bother to agonize over a guy who didn't.... reassure your boy that his step-father is still going to be there for him regardless of what happens in the marriage. And then remind your husband that alot of this moodiness is normal if he'll remember back to his own teenage career.

 

They're both going to get frustrated with one another frequently, and more than likely they'll bring their complaints to you whenever it happens. But that's just normal too.

 

In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy the rare peaceful moments whenever you're blessed with them.

 

Great post LJ

 

Its good to know my s/sons reaction to all this is normal. considering it is an abnormal situation.

 

Thx

ilmw

[anna13]

Yeah Anna, I think it's a good possibility that you ARE worrying too much.

 

Raising teenagers is trying under the best of circumstances. Teenage boys are experiencing huge amounts of physical GROWTH as well as an large influx of testosterone. It's normal for them to be moody at this age. Throw in an uncertain future regarding his family situation, and it's not surprising that you don't know if you're getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde on a minute to minute basis.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong... but didn't I read somewhere that your husband has been with this child since he was one year old? And if he has, and he wasn't quite so standoffish in regards to parenting before, why is he that way now?

 

This is a time in your boy's life when he really could use a man's guidance... and more often than not, he's not always going to react pleasantly to getting it.

That's just part and parcel with having two large male animals living under one roof top. Younger male is going to test his boundaries... older male will rein him in. Bickering is part of the equation, and probably preferable to the way things were done historically.... with older male ususally giving physical discipline on the back lawn.

 

Your man was a teenage boy once. He ought to still be able to identify with the tumultuous feelings he had way back then. If he can't... you've got bigger problems than just the normal noise and conflict that go along with growing up.

 

 

They're both going to get frustrated with one another frequently, and more than likely they'll bring their complaints to you whenever it happens. But that's just normal too.

 

In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy the rare peaceful moments whenever you're blessed with them.

 

Thank you so much for that , My Husband wants to be around my son ,and yes he has been around him since he was a young one. my H isnt standoffish to my teen but yup they but heads and I really really hate it , cause i hate conflict. I never had sisters or brothers and no father in my life growing up . In fact I had cousins and relatives but lost touch with all of them . so I never had to deal with family conflict situations , yes my mom and me used to get into arguments time to time but we never butt heads . It is just so uncomfortable for me for anyone to argue , I get tense and nervous and am not use to people not talking to each other ( friends and aquantances yes ) But I always had this image that family would be like the show home improvement or the cosby show , you know what I mean . but it isnt like that , so I stress because I think that we are soo screwed up because we arent like the brady bunch . sounds crazy but true. It helps immensly that you told me that this is normal to have these kinds of butting heads going on , your right about jeckle and hyde .. my teen does get that way . I really hate it . It doesnt make sense to me , i was a teen before but dont remember being soo moody , I stayed out of my mom's way . . i did alot to try to make her happy . I had common sense about when really not to give attitude , like if my mom was having a hard day or had an important business deal to deal with . my son doesnt have that LOL ... oh well. But it does help so much when other people tell me this isnt that unusual.

[anna13]

but i did manage to argue with my H alot . i dont know what's up with that LOL. not since we were seperated though ..

[Ladyjane14]

It is just so uncomfortable for me for anyone to argue , I get tense and nervous and am not use to people not talking to each other ( friends and aquantances yes ) But I always had this image that family would be like the show home improvement or the cosby show , you know what I mean . but it isnt like that , so I stress because I think that we are soo screwed up because we arent like the brady bunch.

 

Conflict doesn't always have to be a negative thing, Anna.

This is how we explore our options when settling differences.

 

Like you, I hate conflict and I avoid it when I can.

My tendancy is to placate others and try to be 'the peacemaker'.

 

But after having had some trouble in my own marriage, I realized that there were times when I should have just done what was necessary to hash things out. Even if that sometimes meant I had to step up to the plate and actually INVITE conflict.

 

It's even more difficult though when you see your kids learning how to handle difficult communications issues. The maternal temptation is to jump in a solve it all for them. Granted, when they get in over their heads... that's sometimes what we have to do.

 

But like I said earlier though, men and boys WILL butt heads at this stage. Sometimes we've got to step back and let them sort things out on their own a little bit. I won't lie to you and tell you I don't spend an inordinate amount of time smoothing ruffled feathers afterwards, but I try not to get involved unless it's strictly necessary during the conflict.

 

Hang in there, sweetie. This too, shall pass.

[anna13]

thank You for those encouraging words. It helps to know that it isnt just my family dealing with this. tonight I am feeling really blue. My toddler has had a high fever since last night , and seems to be getting better slowly but he looks so miserable poor guy and then my teen and I got into an argument because i wanted to make sure he did his homework before going to work . he became loud with me and i didnt like it . so ended up arguing for another hour, meanwhile trying to take care of my feverish toddler. my teen did go to work already buthe wasnt in a good mood when he left , he even said he felt like not working and going to sleep! I was just sos frustrated hearing that. especially when his job is the only break i get from him. so then I tucked my toddler into bed,and then i started to feel the chills , so not only am i stressed out I apparently am getting a fever now. so i feel especially lonely and stressed . I feel like i need a hug from my H . I am so overwhelmed. so i called my H , just to hear his voice for some comfort, he was nice to me but he was like uh huh , uh huh , ... I didnt find what i needed and felt about 90 % worse. I know he is trying for a new position at work tomoro so I didnt want to stress him out so basically i just held it together and said goodluck tomoro and thanks for listening. but after I hung up i was just in tears. This isnt right, for me , to feel so alone. but this is what I am sighning up for to save my marriage. this sucks. I'm cold, shaking and feel really unhappy . I better go take some medicine before it gets worse and i better give some medicine to my toddler too. It just will never be the same will it.

[Gunny376]

No, it won't be the same ~ there exsists not only the possibilty but the probability that things one day will get better, and all these "storms of life" that are passing over you and that you;re going thorugh will one day pass!

 

One thing for damn sure and certain we're not going to go out of this life the same people we were when we came into it. We all learn, and grow from the tears and the pain. One day the DS will grow up, and the raging hormones will be under control, and they will look back upon the Mother and pillar of strength that you are and have been. They will see and understand the trials and tribulations that they put you through! Children when they are young, step on our toes, as they grow they step on our hearts. When it comes to being a parent ~ it is said that the nights are long, and the years are short. This is very, very true! It is that statement that you're caught up in at the moment, coupled with the separation from your DH.

 

Part of the problem that I see with you, is "analysis to the point of paralysis" You're spending way to much time, effort, and energy on a problem that if you just "Let It Be" (Think of the song by the Beatles).

Tell yourself that a thousand and one times each day, "Just Let It Be!"

 

Things are going to get better for you Anna, simply because of the process of going through what you're going through, dealing with what you're dealing with ~ you're slowly but surely "adapting, improvising, and over-coming" and developing the coping skills that you need to deal with all of this. You can't see it, you can't believe it, beause your so wrapped up in it.

 

I've seen you make tremendous strides since you first posted. You're one "hard corps" lady, and you're in this for the long haul and to the bitter end.

 

Five Bunnies for being so! :bunny: :bunny:

[Ladyjane14]

....so not only am i stressed out I apparently am getting a fever now. so i feel especially lonely and stressed . I feel like i need a hug from my H . I am so overwhelmed. so i called my H , just to hear his voice for some comfort, he was nice to me but he was like uh huh , uh huh , ... I didnt find what i needed and felt about 90 % worse. I know he is trying for a new position at work tomoro so I didnt want to stress him out so basically i just held it together and said goodluck tomoro and thanks for listening. but after I hung up i was just in tears. This isnt right, for me , to feel so alone. but this is what I am sighning up for to save my marriage. this sucks. I'm cold, shaking and feel really unhappy.

 

{{{{Anna}}}}

 

Hang in there, kiddo.

I agree with Gunny... try to relax a little. You can't eat a bear, but one bite at a time. So, try to take each day as it comes and just do the best you can with what you have to work with.

 

Meantime.... you can't argue with teenagers. You give them leverage when you engage them as equals. Better to tell the boy what he needs to do and why he needs to do it.

 

He'll most likely grumble, but it's just 'wash, rinse, and repeat' after that. ie. "You have an obligation to your employer to do the job you signed on for. This is your responsibility. You need to go on to work now."

[brokenhearted29]

Oh Anna, I hope u are feeling better. I wish your teen wouldnt give u such a hard time. He knows what u are going through right now but I guess we will never understand. You once again thought of your H before u. You didnt want to stress him out but what about u. Dont worry you got us! You cant stress me out too much more than I already am. well got homework to do so i will post later.

[Gunny376]

Its hard to explain to someone that's never been through it, who's never experienced it. I call it "living in the second" Guys in Iraq know what I'm talking about. Perhaps CC and ilmw know what I'm talking about. You can do a whole lot of living in just one minute, I'm here to tell you. Think, the movie the "Matrix" when all the bullets are flying. Its surreal ~ and that's for real.

 

I've been keeping tabs on my boys in Iraq. They're the leaders now. They've become what I once was. There are moments in combat, where you have an rocket propelled gernade flash through the cab of a Hummer, and all it does is singe your beard, and give you an instant sunburn.

 

My point? Sometimes, you've got to laugh to keep from crying! Sometimes Life is just too freaking ridiculaious to live! Sometimes Life is just too absurd! Sometimes, Life is just a joke, and all you can do is smile and laugh! The truth lies somewhere between a laugh and a tear ~ I've seen it as I've swung by on the swingset of Life!

 

Sometimes, a lot of times you've got to live in "the second" the "minute" the hour", the "day", the "week", the "year", the "years" And you sit there and evaluate your choices and your options and the only options you have is to "hang there like a cat on a screen door"

 

A lot of what I've gone through, have experinced, ..............I got through not by other than one second at a time! I can tell you one thing for sure and certain! The SOB might have been an atheist going into a foxhole, but after the mortor fire let up he was a genuine "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know!" singing SOB!

[anna13]

Thanks for the support and encouragement ,

 

You can't eat a bear, but one bite at a time.

 

 

that is just so true ...

 

Oh Anna, I hope u are feeling better. I wish your teen wouldnt give u such a hard time. He knows what u are going through right now but I guess we will never understand. You once again thought of your H before u. You didnt want to stress him out but what about u. Dont worry you got us! You cant stress me out too much more than I already am. well got homework to do so i will post later.

thanks so much for your support, I know you are going through so much yourself and I appreciate you taking time to comfort me.

My point? Sometimes, you've got to laugh to keep from crying! Sometimes Life is just too freaking ridiculaious to live! Sometimes Life is just too absurd! Sometimes, Life is just a joke, and all you can do is smile and laugh! The truth lies somewhere between a laugh and a tear ~ I've seen it as I've swung by on the swingset of Life!

 

Sometimes, a lot of times you've got to live in "the second" the "minute" the hour", the "day", the "week", the "year", the "years" And you sit there and evaluate your choices and your options and the only options you have is to "hang there like a cat on a screen door"

 

that is the truth , life is tough but we have to try to take it as it comes. one second at a time . what will be will be. have you ever thought of writing a book Gunny? I think it would be really great.

 

Thank you everyone for letting me vent away all my up's and down on here . thanks for being here.

[anna13]

well . just when i think things are going good between my H and I .. he told me today he wanted to spend the weekend with u s, ( spend the night ) it made me nervous. . I was thinking of my teen son's reaction when he finds out. My H noticed my hesitation and looked frustrated. then he got angry and said " fine ! we will just see what happens.... and i was like " are you angry ? " he said no . so i left it at that. later, i was driving him to work ( we had lunch together , my H my toddler and me ) and this lady drove out in front of me she ran the stop light and so i hit the break hard, if not i would have hit her.. my H is sarchastic and yells at me saying I never learned to drive, so i got a bit annoyed and said sharply , well maybe plowing into her would have been a better idea ! , then he looked angry , and then I said, she jetted out , my H said that he wasnt looking , so then I said " If you did not see what happend don't tell me anything " . so he got quiet ( the mad kind of quiet) then my toddler was like daddy , daddy , daddy , daddy , and then my H was a bit annoyed and said WHAT!? my T said " you yell at me daddy?" my H said No , sorry , and then I told my H not to do that , then my H says he was just frustrated cause it was me then my T and he was tired and trying to prepare his brain for work, so then i said " and you want to move back in? we have two kids who wont wait their turn to talk you know" I was just making a point and maybe I shouldn't have because then he said " if you dont want me to move back in then just tell me , let me know! " I was like , i didnt say that ... and then we were just quiet the rest of the way . I didnt want to argue in front of my toddler . my H then got nicer and said he was just tired. I told him , so you want to move back in ? he said " I SAID I AM TRYING TO MOVE BACK IN " I didnt know what he meant by that but i was rerally annoyed but i didnt say a thing. i dropped him off at work and he gave me a hug and said see you later , and hugged my toddler and then went to work . so I guess he will call tomoro and spend the weekend,. I am frustrated , trying to let that pass, but when i think about it , it makes me really angry . just thougth i would share.

[anna13]

I dont get my H at all . not at all . I am really annoyed right now . he said he wanted to spend the weekend so I picked him up last night and then he slept over ( just slept pretty much ) then by this afternoon he was grabing his things to go home . I said arent you staying the weekend? he said no. . he had things to do , he felt awkward?? and he was really happy about the new job position he is getting on monday ( what the hec does that have to do with it anyway?) and that he felt restless and didnt want to act crazy around us ??????i dont understand that . . I keep going back to do you want to move back in with us ? he says yes, but i just dont see it . and I dont understand what he is talking about ... and when i try to get mor eout of him he tells me to relax. he is still really nice to me and gave me a hug when he said bye but things just dont feel right. and I am getting sick of this really. he says he misses us , wants to spend time with us and then up and leaves ? is this a guy thing? I dont understand. I am rerally angry rightnow . from him disapointing the kids by just leaving after he said he would stay the weekend , and me buying groceries for the weekend and he doesnt even tell me , i asked him if he was going . man I am really annoyed. i am going to call him in a few minutes to ask him more about this. I wont push , i am just going to tell him that it was really disapointing .

[anna13]

ok , I am a bit concerned , he seems to be losing it a little . I am not sure what to do . he said he has anxiety and when i ask him about what, he says everything , I said us ? he said everything, but then he goes back to he wants to be together with us again then he says he wants to be left alone . he got mad at me about not letting him do what he wants . and he said he was going to do what he wants to when he wants to . I said it isn't about letting you do what you want to , I am not stoppin you , I am just saying have some consideration . he said sorry he disapointed me about staying the weekend , but hmmm I dont know , he doesnt sound sorry . anyway , I miss him but I am not going to revert back to the way I was "nagging" . so I left it at that , and I will just wait for him to call me . but he says things that are so strange like he is antsy because his metabolism has changed ( he lost some weight and has been working out ) and he feels like he has to get his energy out or he feels cranky , annoyed and he doesnt want to take it out on us . I am so annoyed. If I just met this guy and he wasnt my H I would be like ok ... nut case .. and walk away and stay far away , but nooo it's my H who is talking like this. I trying my hardest to make things work , I am getting frustrated because i feel like he is just saying he will care about me when he feels like it . I don't know if this is really what he is thinking but that is how i am taking it . he told me that he wants to have a nice Christmas togehter. I am baffled. I sometimes have thoughts of maybe I would be happier with someone else who apreciated me . ISn't that awfull ! I hate thinking like that, I Love my Husband, I want us to work , I want us to grow old together , I just feel like I am climbing up a mountain and trying to pull him up with me , sometimes I wonder when i will just be too tired , and just let go . I cried alot today , just felt hurt and tired of the emotional roller coaster. maybe I am making too much of things. maybe i need to chill . I Love my H .