NOW I finally think maybe I cheated and I feel bad

[Fun2BMe]

" It could be he just does not trust you at all, and rightfully so, and thinks you may have given him an STD. Could also explain why he would rather have a bj then take the risk of coming inside you.

 

That did cross my mind, but he is the extreme opposite of me. If something remotely crosses his mind, he tells me. If it was anything near what you listed above, there is absolutely no way would he keep it to himself. Which now I am feeling even more guilty about. I've been telling myself he'd be understanding if I told him everything, but in reality he'd probably hae a heart attach:o

[Fun2BMe]

The one thing that stuck out to me is also something that I (and probably many other people) are guilty of...lack of communication or should I say fear of the results of communication.

I've been learning a lot from my threads and this is the next big thing, to not fear the results of communication which is a good way to put it. Instead of facing the consequences of what I tell him, things get worse by him get frustrated at my lack of communication while I make up all these fantasies and conclusions in my head. Maybe a simple explanation from him could've solved everything if I spoke up each time I questioned or feared something. But I'm scared of what he might think at the things I think about.

 

 

And it seems that this relationship is all about how he fulfills your needs. Assuming you aren't mentioning it, do you feel you are meeting his needs?

Now that's a bombshell. I never thought of it in that way. I am so occupied with my needs that I never think if his are being met! My goodness, I have to sit and think about this. That might humble me and put things in better perspective. He's the one taking me here and there, squeezing me into his busy schedule, putting up with my mood swings and suspicions. And what do I bring to the table? Bottled up suspicions and blaming him for not doing more. Ok so now things are getting more complicated or at least the situation is getting some clarification.

 

 

As for going to counseling, I am not sure what side effects he is concerned about from antidepressants, but I am guessing it is low libido. There are some that do not supposedly lower your libido. But even still, why would he want you NOT to feel better? Antidepressants do help. And a counselor will be helpful in your relationship.

He has seen me on antidepressents in the past and the effect it has on me is that they pretty much numb me to the point where I am zoned out like a zombie. He used to wave his hand in front of me trying to snap me out of it, saying "earth to 'fun'". That's the side effect we discuss. I wasn't able to feel deep emotions of not only sadness and depression, but it disabled me from feeling joy, happiness, arousal and anything else. I've tried a few different ones and that is unfortunately the effect they have on me. So whenever I tell him I am thinking about getting back on it, he reminds me of this and says he wonders if he has anything to do with my depression and feels an obligation to try to make me feel better himself. He goes out of his way to take me to his family functions to introduce me to more people to keep me occupied so that I will be happier. He really does so much yet one small suspision like a phone call he gets and I'm Ms. Grumpy or it can swing in the other direction and I'll get dramatical.

 

It sounds like you bottle all of your fears and insecurities inside. You could tell him each time when you are unsure of something or may simply have heard something wrong...instead of letting it build and then breaking it off every few months or running to the arms of another man.

That is the main feedback I am getting and something I am going to force myself to do, starting today. He called me late last night. He sounded sad which scared me. Usually he's the one trying to make me feel better, but he sounded a little fed up. I was scared HE would say he wanted time away from me! Whereas here I am selfishly thinking I should say that to him. He invited me to a screening and then to dinner and a concert - a full evening that starts mid afternoon. He is trying to do the most he can before he goes away next week. Instead of continuing to be upset at him from where I left off a couple of nights ago when he got the call from the girl and the trip announcement, I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt and not read into anything unless I ask and find out. Easier said than done, but at this point, what could be the worst that can happen, especially when I am already considering to leave him instead of face up to what I've done. Maybe as of today I will create a clean slate, remove the past and not think of it, start fresh, communicate and try to create something nice and fullfilling and focus on his needs too. This might take attention away from my needs and make things better.

 

 

And since you cheat, you assume he is.

Yes, someone else had mentioned that too (walk or wwiu). I am thinking there might be some truth in that especially considering I used to not assume he was cheating until I did myself! Very interesting.

 

 

Should you be honest? Yes. Should you tell him everyhing? Yes. Should you ask him every time you have a question? Yes. That is what being in a relationship is all about.

At this point, I think as of today the above will stand true. I don't want to open my skeleton closet on him. I don't see how that will be good for either of us. It will hurt him more than the guilt I am feeling and he doesn't deserve that kind of hurt. I have learned from my mistakes and am learning how to handle things and make the relationship better. I think that things will finally get better now.

[crazy_grl]

Fun, if you really don't want to hurt your boyfriend, why haven't you started seeing a counselor and working on the things that lead you to cheat. Despite how you justify it to yourself, I think you know that it's not your bf leading you to do it. It's a choice you make all on your own. You choose to stay and cheat rather than to end a relationship with someone who's not meeting your needs.

 

You keep saying that you want to make your relationship work, but what steps have you taken to accomplish that? Is cheating on your bf when you're upset with him how you're working on it? Does that seem healthy to you? Does that make you feel good about yourself? Is that what you want from a relationship?

 

The fact that you don't run away from a relationship at the very first sign of trouble may be a good trait, but that's completely different than staying stuck in a relationship that's not healthy and not doing anything productive to change it.

 

Also, to address your fear of sounding like the crazy, jealous girlfriend. The longer you keep quiet about things, bottle them up, and let them grow into ridiculous assumptions, the crazier and more jealous you sound. Whenever your bf says or does something that makes some idea form in your head (like he's taking a trip to China with some girl), tell yourself that there's probably a very reasonable explanation for it. Then immediately ask him about it in a non-accusing way. Give him the opportunity to calm your fears before you start condemning him and cheating on him. As others have said, he is not a mindreader. And no matter how much you think you are, you're not either.

 

And if you do ask your bf a simple question without being accusing and he gets defensive and starts calling you crazy and jealous, that's a pretty good indication that you really do have something to worry about.

[Fun2BMe]

You choose to stay and cheat rather than to end a relationship with someone who's not meeting your needs.

 

You keep saying that you want to make your relationship work, but what steps have you taken to accomplish that? Is cheating on your bf when you're upset with him how you're working on it?

As I said, I have finally started feeling guilty which means I am recognizing and feeling wrong for the cheating whereas before I was blaming it on him and justifying it. Cheating is not how I am working on the relationship. Rather I have stopped cheating and working on facing the music. If he does something that upsets me, I am going to work on addressing it to him instead of bottling it up and acting out by running to another man.

 

 

 

 

Also, to address your fear of sounding like the crazy, jealous girlfriend. The longer you keep quiet about things, bottle them up, and let them grow into ridiculous assumptions, the crazier and more jealous you sound.

I completely agree.

 

 

Whenever your bf says or does something that makes some idea form in your head (like he's taking a trip to China with some girl), tell yourself that there's probably a very reasonable explanation for it. Then immediately ask him about it in a non-accusing way. Give him the opportunity to calm your fears before you start condemning him and cheating on him. As others have said, he is not a mindreader. And no matter how much you think you are, you're not either.

Yes, that's a good idea to ask him in a non-accusing way. Simple things like that I don't know how to do which has been why it's been hard for me to speak up. My idea of speaking up would be along the lines of accusing him of my suspicions and then making him prove that I'm wrong. So you're saying to ask him in a non-accusing way and allowing him to calm my fears. Seems obvious but as you can see my communication skills are not the best. As a result I avoid communicating. Maybe by learning how to I can solve the problems. Instead of blaming him on making things terrible, I guess the blame really has been my lack of communicating my thoughts.

 

And if you do ask your bf a simple question without being accusing and he gets defensive and starts calling you crazy and jealous, that's a pretty good indication that you really do have something to worry about.

He would never call me names. He would put me in my place but he is so classy that I am feeling bad at how I've been acting and making him put up with me. It's a whole different feeling when I start putting some of the blame on myself instead of all of it on him. It's easier to be mad at myself than at him because I have control over making myself feel better. It also puts the responsibility of fixing things in my hands instead of sulking waiting for him to make everything better.

[crazy_grl]

As I said, I have finally started feeling guilty which means I am recognizing and feeling wrong for the cheating whereas before I was blaming it on him and justifying it. Cheating is not how I am working on the relationship. Rather I have stopped cheating and working on facing the music. If he does something that upsets me, I am going to work on addressing it to him instead of bottling it up and acting out by running to another man.

 

I do commend you for wanting to own up to your problems and fix your issues and the issues in the relationship, but I also see a pattern of you feeling guilty while you two are on good terms then shifting the blame back to him when you're upset. I'm just worried that based that pattern, if you don't take some concrete steps, like seeing a counselor, that you may fall back into your old patterns.

 

Also, if you do decide to tell your bf about the cheating, it may be easier for him to forgive you if he sees you're really working on making sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Yes, that's a good idea to ask him in a non-accusing way. Simple things like that I don't know how to do which has been why it's been hard for me to speak up. My idea of speaking up would be along the lines of accusing him of my suspicions and then making him prove that I'm wrong. So you're saying to ask him in a non-accusing way and allowing him to calm my fears. Seems obvious but as you can see my communication skills are not the best.

 

I think the key behind not sounding accusing is to trust him and keep your thoughts positive until you have a real reason not to trust him. When he tells you he's going on a trip to China, first ask yourself whether you have any reason to believe he's going with another woman or if it's just your own fears and insecurity.

 

When you think he doesn't want you to come to NY, ask yourself why you think that. Did he give any indication that he doesn't still want you to come? Did he not mention you coming along because he doesn't want you to or is it possible that he didn't mention it because he thinks it's already a given and doesn't need mentioning again? Since you can't read his mind, there's no way for you to know the answer to that. So you have say something like, "That's great. Do I still get to come see you in NY? I was really looking forward to that."

 

Force yourself to be more logical and deal with your own insecurities. Then you'll have an easier time asking him questions in a reasonable manner that allow him to further calm your fears.

 

Working on your self-esteem may help you think more positively about things.

 

It's a whole different feeling when I start putting some of the blame on myself instead of all of it on him. It's easier to be mad at myself than at him because I have control over making myself feel better. It also puts the responsibility of fixing things in my hands instead of sulking waiting for him to make everything better.

 

That sounds very insightful, and I think it's the most reasonable thing I've heard you say. I'm proud of you for realizing this.

[Fun2BMe]

I was beginning to change, feel differently and all that. Then last night the worst thing in the world happened and I can't stop crying. We were in his car when he called that Chinese girl to tell her about his trip. He left a vm. Then she called and left him a vm while we were having dinner. Afterwards in the car it was past 10pm he called her back and they were on speakerphone in the car talking. She was being a little flirty with him, said she was single. He did make it clear he had a girl in the car with him. Bottom line is he invited her to fly to China with him! He said he would arrange to have the Chinese government foot the bill since it was for a cultural event, they would take another flight to Hong Kong but it would be out of pocket, would spend 10 days there etc. She was laughing and happy, while I was in the car and broke out crying!

 

Afterwards he asked if the call bothered me, that he makes all calls in front of me so he doesn't know why I've been quiet all evening! Long story short, my eyes are swollen from crying. Yes it's a business trip. But he made it clear I wouldn't be visiting him in NY. He said he had 'good news' which was that his flight from NY to China would have a stop in our airport for a few hours if I wanted to visit him in between flights. But big deal, how special is it when he told the Chinese girl the same thing before finally inviting her on the trip.

 

He asked if I was mad at him and I said no. If he is going to act dumb about, so will I. We were supposed to go to an engagement party together tomorrow night and I was to stay over until Monday. I already canceled for tonight and told him I wasn't feeling so well, that I didn't think I could make it for the weekend to see him. Basically I know it's time to end things, but now I'm the one left feeling hurt and betrayed and I can't understand why he's doing this.

[norajane]

I just cannot, for the life of me, understand why you did not say right then in the car with him - "Yes, I'm upset that you invited her to go to China with you and you didn't invite me! I'm upset that she was flirting and telling you she's single and you will be spending two weeks with her!"

 

Why, why, why couldn't you say that to him? What did he think you were crying about, for god's sake?

 

Why didn't you tell him you didn't want to go to the engagement party because you were upset? Why did you cover up your feelings and just say you weren't feeling well? Why didn't you tell him "yes, I'm mad at you!" Why can you never speak up and be honest about your feelings?

 

I'm sorry this happened, and I know you're terribly upset. You have to be honest and tell him so.

[Fun2BMe]

He thinks I'm just depressed in general. When we got back to his house, I got my car keys out and said I'd be leaving. He insisted I stay over, so again he had a lot of work, I went to my own room, his spare bedrom and did my own thing, went to sleep crying. Woke up with extremely swollen eyes. He was already dressed to go running and was confirming our plans for tomorrow night. I said I wasn't feeling too well, had a sore throat and might be coming down with something so he shouldn't count on me for tomorrow. He wanted me to stay for breakfast, I said I wasn't hungry. He insisted I wait until he made some fresh orange juice and gave me vitamin C's, told me he'd check up on me later today and was confident I'd be feeling well by tomorrow.

 

He did ask if I was mad at him, I said no. The truth is, he is most likely going to be on cordial terms with that girl. But honestly, one of the first things she said was that she was single, if he knew of any men he could fix her up with. He jumped in and said there was a beautiful woman sitting beside him, introduced me, she said hi, was so dam uppity and chearful it only made me look worse, then she was practically screaming with joy at his offer to have her go on the trip. It was really more than I can handle. I seriously wanted to kill myself but I won't say things like that. I am in so much pain right now. I don't know if it's jealousy so I'm at fault and it's my insecurities, or is he being insensitive by doing this in front of me, or only being open and honest or ? I just can't handle it. I can't stand to feel this hurt. It is times like this I turn to other men for some comfort, but I am no longer doing that. I just don't know what to do to at the least feel better.

[JamesM]

Then last night the worst thing in the world happened and I can't stop crying. We were in his car when he called that Chinese girl to tell her about his trip.

 

How is that the worst? The worst would be that you found out that he kept it secret from you. And the fact HE called her suggests that he is being open with you and it is a business call. Has he called her by name? Has he talked about her with you?

 

She was being a little flirty with him, said she was single. He did make it clear he had a girl in the car with him.

 

Okay, he is straightforward and tells her he has a girl. Does this mean he is warning her that he is not alone...or is he telling her because he is not interested in her that way? BTW why would she say she was sigle if he had already planned on having an affair with her?...he would have known. Are you assuming he must be having an affair because you know how easy it is?

 

Bottom line is he invited her to fly to China with him!

 

Why her? Because possibly she can help him achieve his goals in China? This IS a business trip as you mentioned. The Chinese have particular customs and traditions that need to be followed if you want to conduct business there. I find it hard to believe that he would let you know she is coming if he had cheating on his mind.

 

She was laughing and happy, while I was in the car and broke out crying!

 

Did he know you were crying? Right then and there why did you not ask why this girl was going and you were not invited? And maybe she will get the chance to visit family there as well. Of course she is happy...she is probably going home...for free.

 

Afterwards he asked if the call bothered me, that he makes all calls in front of me so he doesn't know why I've been quiet all evening!

 

Did you tell him that the call did bother you and why..or did you expect that he should know? Why would he assume that you thought he was going to cheat on you when in his mind he was talking to this girl right in front of you?

 

He asked if I was mad at him and I said no.

 

Not totally honest. You felt betrayed and hurt...and probably mad also.

 

If he is going to act dumb about, so will I.

 

Uh, maybe he WAS dumb?

 

Basically I know it's time to end things, but now I'm the one left feeling hurt and betrayed and I can't understand why he's doing this.

 

Why is it time to end things...because in front of you he invited a Chinese girl to go to China with him? If he had flirted with her or didn't mention you were there...maybe I could better understand. Without being judgmental of you , the reason you are feeling hurt and betrayed is because you did not ask him for clarification as to why he is doing this. Honesty and openess is the thing that will make this relationship work.

 

 

 

 

 

He asked if I was mad at him and I said no. If he is going to act dumb about, so will I.

[Fun2BMe]

How is that the worst? The worst would be that you found out that he kept it secret from you. And the fact HE called her suggests that he is being open with you and it is a business call. Has he called her by name? Has he talked about her with you?

Yes, he has talked to me about her before. He has done a film with her so it's no secret they know each other. I don't know if their relationship has been more than business in the past, but I have suspected it possibly has. He has invited her to dinner in front of me a couple of years ago and that was one of the reasons it led me to stop seeing him before. It was exactly after he had made that call now that I think back.

 

 

 

Okay, he is straightforward and tells her he has a girl. Does this mean he is warning her that he is not alone...or is he telling her because he is not interested in her that way?

That's what I want to know.

 

BTW why would she say she was sigle if he had already planned on having an affair with her?...he would have known. Are you assuming he must be having an affair because you know how easy it is?

No, I am not assuming that they are currently having an affair. She said it had been a long time since she had heard from him and that was before she was informed I was in the car. But she immediately made it clear to him that she was available for dating.

 

 

Why her? Because possibly she can help him achieve his goals in China? This IS a business trip as you mentioned. The Chinese have particular customs and traditions that need to be followed if you want to conduct business there. I find it hard to believe that he would let you know she is coming if he had cheating on his mind.

Yes it is for business and he did say they would take additional flights around the country at their own expense for other business things and if she wanted to see her family. The thing is, I was so set on seeing him in NY and now not only has he made it clear I won't even though he will still be there for 2 weeks, but he knows I could afford the trip. Why won't he ask me to meet up with him in China if it is also going to include sightseeing, flying to Hong Kong, Taipei and all these additional locations that are not in the itinerary for the business? It is so hurtful to know he will be accompanied by this beautiful, in her own words 'single' woman. I can imagine how they could fall in love in an adventurous, last minute trip like this.

 

 

 

Did he know you were crying? Right then and there why did you not ask why this girl was going and you were not invited? And maybe she will get the chance to visit family there as well. Of course she is happy...she is probably going home...for free.

I think he knew I was crying but not completely sure. It was dark and I turned my head to look out the window on my side while he was busy on the phone with her. I didn't want to seem like this jealous insecure girl who wants to invite herself and tag along on a business trip. Yes, I can see why he invited her. She is Chinese and he will be in China. I can see how she is happy. Heck even if she didn't have family there, I think any sane person would be happy to go on such a trip. So really, at least I'm mature enough not to get mad at her about it, I can see why she is happy to be going on a trip to her homeland with a very successful man she has worked with in the past and all that.

 

 

 

Did you tell him that the call did bother you and why..or did you expect that he should know? Why would he assume that you thought he was going to cheat on you when in his mind he was talking to this girl right in front of you?

It's not just about whether or not he will cheat on me. He might not sleep with her. It still hurts, I guess I can't explain it.

 

 

Why is it time to end things...because in front of you he invited a Chinese girl to go to China with him? If he had flirted with her or didn't mention you were there...maybe I could better understand. Without being judgmental of you , the reason you are feeling hurt and betrayed is because you did not ask him for clarification as to why he is doing this. Honesty and openess is the thing that will make this relationship work.

I don't know what could be clarified in this situation. If I call him right now and tell him why I was upset, as if he didn't catch on, he is going to assure me it is just a 'business' trip. I mean business in that it is a film ceremony with actors and actresses, a beautiful Chinese girl he will be traveling the rest of the country with. So I really don't know what he could tell me to make me feel better about it. I feel excluded and hurt.

[CrushedOrgans]

He thinks I'm just depressed in general. When we got back to his house, I got my car keys out and said I'd be leaving. He insisted I stay over, so again he had a lot of work, I went to my own room, his spare bedrom and did my own thing, went to sleep crying. Woke up with extremely swollen eyes. He was already dressed to go running and was confirming our plans for tomorrow night. I said I wasn't feeling too well, had a sore throat and might be coming down with something so he shouldn't count on me for tomorrow. He wanted me to stay for breakfast, I said I wasn't hungry. He insisted I wait until he made some fresh orange juice and gave me vitamin C's, told me he'd check up on me later today and was confident I'd be feeling well by tomorrow.

 

He did ask if I was mad at him, I said no.

 

so basically, all you do is play with his head and hope he can figure you out.

 

that's so unfair it's not even funny.

 

read that first paragraph again and you should be ashamed. he wants you to stay over, so you stay, but you hole yourself up alone and cry. in the morning, he bends over backward for you while you sit there sullen and whiny.

 

yet if he didn't do these things for you, you'd run off and cheat and think he deserved it.

 

you know what, i have no advice. good luck to you fun, although i don't think it'll do any good. you are having way too much fun doing whatever it is you're doing to this man.

 

i think everyone who said you need counseling is right, and i'm not even a counseling advocate. but i do think people who are like you and act like you need to get themselves sorted out before they can offer anything of any value to anyone else.

 

why he hasn't left you is beyond me, but to each his own. have fun.

[Fun2BMe]

so basically, all you do is play with his head and hope he can figure you out.

Why do you see it that I am the one playing headgames when he's the one who disinvites me to his trip only to invite another girl in front of me? Why am I the one playing games when he's the one acting 100% clueless why I am upset? I'm trying to do the right thing now but how can I when he is hurting me and acting like everythig is ok.

 

that's so unfair it's not even funny.

I wouldn't be crying nonstop of I thought any of this was funny.

 

read that first paragraph again and you should be ashamed. he wants you to stay over, so you stay, but you hole yourself up alone and cry. in the morning, he bends over backward for you while you sit there sullen and whiny.

So because everything else is ok, then I should ignore the big elephant? That he invited another girl on a trip with him when he knows I want to see him when he travels? I should smile and have myself a big breakfast after having cried all night and having no appetite, just so I can let lead him on to think everything is ok?

 

yet if he didn't do these things for you, you'd run off and cheat and think he deserved it.

I already wrote a few posts up that I an no longer resorting to cheating, that in the past if I was in this much pain I might have done it, so I am desperate to feel better without doing anything stupid which in the end only makes me feel worse anyways.

 

you know what, i have no advice. good luck to you fun, although i don't think it'll do any good. you are having way too much fun doing whatever it is you're doing to this man.

I must have missed what I wrote that gives you the impression that I am having fun at a time I'm so upset.

 

why he hasn't left you is beyond me, but to each his own. have fun.

Because he sees my good qualities, which are greater than my insecurities. If he wasn't traveling so often maybe I wouldn't be in this situation where I feel left every time he leaves, now on top of it with another girl. I guess I can't make you understand the situation.

[whichwayisup]

when he's the one acting 100% clueless why I am upset

 

THEN tell him what is going on inside you. Just let it all out! ALL OF IT. From your cheating, to your insecurities....If you dont, you're going to obssess and worry about him cheating on you 24/7! You can't trust him at all because of how you feel about yourself and what you've done. I said this before, and I'll say it again, you are projecting your own guilty conscious onto him. That is the truth of it, Fun.

[nicki]

Hey, you are pretty good at expressing yourself here. So, just do it with the people in your life.

 

Before you do that, you have to know that you will be okay if he leaves you. You don't NEED him. You WANT him. And you probably want him because he is so hard to figure out and is a challenge....even if you aren't aware of it...

 

So, you are FINE without him. If you want to be with him, then don't worry about appearing to be an insecure jealous woman. So what? If you are ever upset, you must tell him how you feel and what you think. Don't worry about the consequences.

 

Anyway, at least go get a few more self-help books. There is a good one on overcoming obessive love relationships. I can't remember the name, but go look anyway. The best thing the book says is to stop going for comfort to the person causing you pain.

 

Whatever you do, It's a great thing that you have finally stopped going to other men when you are afraid. It's very grown-up to stop in the face of fear and just deal with the problem. No more running away. If this guy isn't meeting your needs and can't, then deal with the problem. Leaving may be a solution....think about it if things don't get better...

 

So, express yourself. Don't worry about the consequences. Just do it.

 

Personally, I need more attention that a LDR can give. Your relationship sounds like an LDR. Some people just don't want to deal with the isolation and loneliness. It's okay to say you need more. I know I do.

[elijahBailey]

Hey, you are pretty good at expressing yourself here. So, just do it with the people in your life.

 

:laugh:

[Spectre]

if you dont have the courage to tell him, just leave him. you arent a person worthy of his time.

 

You deserve to be with a guy who will get with a girl who is taken, that is the type of man you deserve

 

oh, say hello to karma for me when it comes your way

[JamesM]

if you dont have the courage to tell him, just leave him. you arent a person worthy of his time.

 

You deserve to be with a guy who will get with a girl who is taken, that is the type of man you deserve

 

oh, say hello to karma for me when it comes your way

 

I am sure those kind words were appreciated.

[candyksses4u]

I Know this is hurting you so much inside but you have to ask yourself one question.....Do you really love him? If you can answer that yes without a doubt , then tell him...explain to him how you feel for him...your concerns....Things might look up I wish you the best of luck

[Fun2BMe]

Thank you for all the responses - both positive and negative ones. I don't have time to individually respond right now. I am running late. I decided not to see him yesterday. Today I was borderline going to cancel but he kept calling sensing something was up from our last visit. So I will leave soon to see him, he is taking me to a friend's engagement party. I will stay there til Monday morning. I've been still crying all day. I have no idea if I will have the courage to spill everything to him, will I act like everything is ok? Will I give him the undeserved quiet treatment? I seriously have no idea what will happen. All I can feel is the pain inside. I will give an update Monday. Please pray for me!

[whichwayisup]

Will I give him the undeserved quiet treatment?

 

You control that and can decide to put on a happy face and have a good time.

 

Until this trust issue is sorted out, your faith and trust in him and most of all, inside of yourself - Your rollercoaster ride is going to go on and on and on...Until you stay STOP and get off the ride. Fun, I wish I could give you a hug and just make you understand, take a step back, remove yourself from your situation and show you what we all see through our eyes.

 

Talk to him, and when he asks you what is wrong, why you're sad/mad or whatever, TELL him all that you're feeling and why. Good reaction or bad reaction atleast you know. Not knowing wtf is worse than knowing, because when you know, you can face it head on and deal with it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

So for months I excused away being with another guy. ...

 

I don't know what to do. I have a lot of other secrets I don't think he would be too happy about. I think it would be foolish to tell him and throw the relationship away, but I am beginning to feel so guilty that it is hard to live with myself. I have no idea what to do....

 

What relationship is there to salvage? Relationships are built on honesty and trust. You've got secrets and you've cheated... hey, great relationship.

 

I've been with many men without his knowledge. Whenever I get mad at him or jealous or suspicious or whatever, I end up getting together with another man to makek me feel better about it. I figure I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things work with us and he leads me to other men for not making me feel secure all the time.The first time it wasn't my fault and I didn't consider it cheating but now I am beginning to feel guilty about the whole thing.

 

Excuse me but I'm the one suffering from heartache and guilt. I am doing everything possible to make the relationship better so why should I do something to let him dump me?

 

Why should he have the complete option on what to do like I'm chopped liver. Anyhow, I think I will think about it some more before I decide on what to do.

 

Yeah, it's all about you. You cheat on him and you worry he's doing the same to you. Frankly if he is you deserve it, don't you?

 

I think all relationships have a lot of problems and the easy thing to do is to walk away, easy especially when not a lot of feelings are involved.

 

So whenever there is something we can't tell our partner about,

 

Some relationships have more problems than others, and you certainly havne't / aren't making yours better with cheating and with having secrets between the two of you.

 

but now I'm the one left feeling hurt and betrayed and I can't understand why he's doing this

 

Maybe becaues he knows you cheated on him...

[lighthouse]

Sorry to hijack this thread but a lot of people got mad at me for being somewhat harsh with another poster. Then Flyin in Clouds came along and, although I don't think that I was being unduly harsh with the other poster, I feel now that I was kissing his feet:rolleyes: . I know you have strong feelings Flyin but you don't really need to be so mean. People come here for help - the positive and the negative posts help but yours are beyond negative. Please rethink what you post. I don't think that it helps anyone when someone is that mean.

 

F2BM - It does seem that you make all of this about you and your feelings. I agree with the other posters that you need to tell him the truth - all of it. I am sorry that you are hurting but you need to understand that he probably knows something is up and is pulling away and, sorry to be harsh here, who could blame him?

LH

[MikeC]

Excuse me but I'm the one suffering from heartache and guilt. I am doing everything possible to make the relationship better so why should I do something to let him dump me?

 

If you really cared about him, you would not have cheated on him multiple times. He deserves better.

[Spectre]

I am sure those kind words were appreciated.

 

I hope they were appreciated as much as her bf will appreciate her inability to keep them legs closed, right?

 

oh, and shes the one suffering from heartache. how cute, really, its cute.

 

why should you do something to let him dump you? you mean like cheating multiple times? please tell me you said that as a joke? or else its just pathetic

 

got, this thread like sucks the intelligence and common decency right out of you. if you cant keep your hands to yourself, dont get into a relationship. we need to start giving "common sense" classes at local colleges

[JamesM]

I know you have strong feelings Flyin but you don't really need to be so mean. People come here for help - the positive and the negative posts help but yours are beyond negative. Please rethink what you post. I don't think that it helps anyone when someone is that mean.

 

 

 

I hope they were appreciated as much as her bf will appreciate her inability to keep them legs closed, right?

 

I agree,,,she has royally screwed up. She needs to be honest with her boyfriend, and he with her. I have followed her story on all threads, and both the bf and her have been not so honest with each other. Fun2Be needs counselling and I think she knows it.

 

But read the first quote. Much as we like to believe that everyone has good judgment like "we" do, they don't. And just because to us the solution is so obvious...it isn't to the OP obviously or they wouldn't have posted here.

 

Face it...people come here because they need help and may not have a reliable friend to whom they can turn. And many of us sound stupid and ignorant because obvious solutions aren't obvious. On the other hand, we give what we think are obvious solution...BASED ON OUR EXPERIENCES. Other people haven't had our experiences and are looking for our input because they haven't had our experiences. Negative criticisms can be given positively or well, not so positively. When we post, we must consider that each person coming here looking for solutions is a person....not some unknown bunch of words from cyberspace.

 

we need to start giving "common sense" classes at local colleges

 

I agree, but until we do, let everyone here give "common sense" answers to all of those "po folk" who aren't as smart as we are.

 

Fun2BeMe...let us know how your weekend was.