NOW I finally think maybe I cheated and I feel bad

[Walk]

I would be hurt, upset, insecure, and jealous if my SO took a single attractive girl with him on a 2 week trip. Especially after he had promised me that I could come on the originally planned trip.

 

Fun.. I really hope you told him how you were feeling. There's no way I could go two weeks with all those thoughts floating in my head. I'd need his help to not go off the deep end. Whether that meant he explained in detail how things would go, minute by minute.. or whatever. But he needs to know how you are feeling before he can help.

 

And no. I don't feel it was right that he invite the chick without discussing it with you first. Rather insensitive of him. He obviously didn't think of her as a "potential" love interest if he's willing to invite her in front of you.. I think this is a classic case of "stupid" man syndrome. Sometimes you have to knock them over the head and let them know that they are doing something that is causing you pain. But he won't know that unless you tell him.

 

I really hope you told him. For your own sanity...

 

I'd be hurt too if my SO had done the same to me. Difference is, I wouldn't be able to bottle that stuff up for too long without havign it burst out at the worst moment possible. So I talk before it comes to that now.

[Fun2BMe]

It's nice to come back to all of your comments. Thanks for your kind words JamesM. I don't want negativity to get to me at a time I'm already feeling so down.

 

Fun.. I really hope you told him how you were feeling. There's no way I could go two weeks with all those thoughts floating in my head.

That helps a lot. I was beginning to think I really am overly jealous and insecure but isn't it natural to not want your man to go away with some beautiful woman even if it is for business only?

 

So I survived through the weekend. Things went better than I thought they would on one hand, yet looking back I feel things are in a worst state. This might be a long post but here it goes. Saturday he kept calling to make sure I was coming over. In the past when things have been this rocky I would 'ditch' him or break things off and it would drive him nuts.

 

So he takes me to the engagement party and introduces me to all of his closest friends most of whom I had not met before. Basically he is being seen more with me so it is sending the message out to his circle that he is with me. That reassures me he is not in another relationship with someone else at least anything meaningful where he is known to be seen with them. This is a big deal to me because in the past I would get upset he would 'hide' me to himself and not expose me to his friends. But again it was no sex that night, we are getting used to our set-up where I sleep in the other bedroom when I stay over at his house, but it's not like we fight and that happens. It just seems ok with the both of us except I feel like I would prefer some intimacy.

 

So the next morning I woke up remembering all the issues and felt angry at him. I joined him in his bed but was being distant and fell asleep when he was trying to finally be intimate. I was thinking why is it always on his terms. The rest of the day he spent it with me, he had been very busy and said he was going to make it up by giving me all of his attention which he did. He brought up the other night and asked why I was so upset. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, I kept thinking doesn't he know? I ended up making stupid excuses. He said the next time that happens what is he supposed to do to get through to me so I talk because he can't spend time with me if I am not communicating.

 

This came up several times throughout the day. I was unable to say I was upset he was going away with another girl. The thing is, in the morning after we got up he went for a run and while I was at his home alone, he got a phone call from the Chinese girl, who left a message asking about some details on the trip, the number of someone she was to call to arrange something and so on. It sounded like she was going for sure. He came back and listened to the message, but didn't call back which I thought was strange. He promptly returns all his calls.

 

Throughout the day I kept waiting for him to call her back. In the evening he said he had more work than he thought and so I couldn't stay over (Sunday night). This was a little unexpected, but I took it well. We were to go to a movie. He asked we go in seperate cars so afterwards it would be easy for me to go home from there. I took this hard and said that was strange, why all of a sudden do we have to go seperately and all that. He apologized and gave me a hug and said of course we could go together. It left me feeling odd. In the car on the way to the movie he made a call to that girl. He said he wasn't sure if she was able to go on the trip after all, that he still had to make a few calls on Monday to confirm everything. She sounded sad about it so then I felt bad for her and did want her to really go. I don't know if he told her that on purpose? I don't get it. Her voicemail in the morning sounded like he had told her details on the trip and she was going. She was taken aback by what he was telling her. I felt better about it but at the same time I felt bad for her. I did get in a better mood even though I was in a pretty good one all day. I was blocking everything out and he kept saying he loves to be around me when I'm not in a bad mood especially when he doesn't know why I am in a bad mood.

 

This morning I got up feeling mixed up about everything. Firstly that he is deciding not to invite me to NY even if the trip is shorter, after he had told me he would. Secondly, if the other girl can't go, or even if she is still going which I am not feeling upset about so much anymore - she sounded like a nice girl not out to get him - why doesn't he invite me along? For a month he will be traveling, for a few days he can't have me visit him? It just doesn't make sense to me in a relationship that is supposed to be so meaningful. He did ask I see him when he flies back to town for a day before flying off to China. He arranged it so the whole day he would be back to change luggage and all that, so it's not like he made the for me exclusively. I would be the person to pick him up from the airport, spend the day at his house then at night drop him back off at the airport. I see it as more of a convenience for him than going out of his way to see me.

 

It is my fault if I am not speaking up, but some things I would want a man to do on his own for me. I can't bring myself to get mad at someone for not wanting me to be with them. I'd rather leave them and find someone else. I am feeling hurt but the decision to leave him is becoming clearer. If he can't give me what I need, then it doesn't make sense to stay and be upset about it. Maybe he doesn't love me the way I thought he did or want him to. It gets confusing because he does a lot of other things for me which he never sued to that I woiuld want him to. But at the end of the day it doesn't cut it. I can't go on feeling this unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

[norajane]

He brought up the other night and asked why I was so upset. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, I kept thinking doesn't he know? I ended up making stupid excuses. He said the next time that happens what is he supposed to do to get through to me so I talk because he can't spend time with me if I am not communicating.

 

Wow - he totally gave you an opening to tell him why you're so hurt. He knew you were upset, but he didn't know why, and you totally shut down and lied to him with the stupid excuses.

 

THIS is why you need therapy. You need to figure out why it is so hard for you to tell a guy what you're feeling. You need to learn to be honest with yourself and with a man about your feelings.

It is my fault if I am not speaking up, but some things I would want a man to do on his own for me. I can't bring myself to get mad at someone for not wanting me to be with them. I'd rather leave them and find someone else. I am feeling hurt but the decision to leave him is becoming clearer.

 

It IS your fault for not speaking up. Men are not mind readers. Even if you left this man, why in the world do you think any other man would be able to know what's on your mind if you don't tell him? Men do not think like women; they don't see things from the same perspective; and they will never, ever be able to "just know" what your concerns are. None of them can do that.

If he can't give me what I need, then it doesn't make sense to stay and be upset about it. Maybe he doesn't love me the way I thought he did or want him to. It gets confusing because he does a lot of other things for me which he never sued to that I woiuld want him to. But at the end of the day it doesn't cut it. I can't go on feeling this unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

 

If you never talk to him, you will always be unsatisfied and unfulfilled. With any man.

[Fun2BMe]

THIS is why you need therapy. You need to figure out why it is so hard for you to tell a guy what you're feeling. You need to learn to be honest with yourself and with a man about your feelings.

 

Maybe I really do need therapy. I always think I don't so I don't seriously consider it but it seems to be what everyone is telling me. BTW at the party he took me to, he introduced me to a therapist who is somewhat famous, has written books and all that. He said he is too busy to take on new clients. Later that night I was talking to a woman while my bf went off to talk to the therapist.

 

They later joined me and the therapist took out his cell phone and said very few people have that number, that he is going to give me direct access to him on his cell phone. If I ever want to start seeing him, to only call and he will make the time for me! When we got back home, my bf said he's known that therapist for some time, that even he doesn't have his cell#, that to take advantage of the offer he made to me. But then he turns around and says he thinks I'm doing better and probably don't need therapy so that makes me feel like I will show weakness of I seek help. He is always discouraging me from taking medication. THen he gives advice that I should get into therapy, following up with that I don't really need to.Talk about mixed signals.

 

I am so anti-therapy that I didn't give any of it a second thought, until it was brought up here once again. Ok, so maybe that should be one last resort I should turn to. I have nothing else left here than to a lose a man when I have similar problems in all of my relationships. I'm good at reading people so it's hard for me to believe they can't read me, know what is troubling me or on my mind and so on.

 

Also, he just called me a few minutes ago to give me an update he got about an issue he was having with his neighbors. I had been upset at him last week that he shared another update with another friend before telling me, so he said I was the first person he called about it. Times like that I feel ok, if he knew that without me having to tell him, why can't he get other more obvious things that I am upset about.

[JamesM]

- she sounded like a nice girl not out to get him -

 

THIS is a change of heart!

 

...while my bf went off to talk to the therapist.

 

They later joined me and the therapist took out his cell phone and said very few people have that number, that he is going to give me direct access to him on his cell phone. If I ever want to start seeing him, to only call and he will make the time for me! When we got back home, my bf said he's known that therapist for some time, that even he doesn't have his cell#, that to take advantage of the offer he made to me.

 

This I have mixed feelings on...YOU need therapy and your BOYFRIEND is arranging it? From what I have heard and experienced, if you do not choose your therapist, you may need be "into" the therapy. Therapists and patients need to get along in order for the therapy to work. It is not the boyfriend who is going in for therapy.

 

I'm good at reading people so it's hard for me to believe they can't read me, know what is troubling me or on my mind and so on.

 

I am not sure I agree that you read people well. You actually seem a bit paranoid and untrusting in your analyzing of people. This is a common thought of everyone...we ALL know how to read people...because we read people based on how we think they are feeling or based on how we interpret the expression they are showing...based on how we would feel. In reality, we all lack in our ability to understand people because we think that their background equals ours. What we fail to understand is that OUR experiences which give us our interpetation tools are much different from everyone else's. While we may dislike social gatherings, others may love them...as an example. This will cause us to interpret interactions differently.

 

Also, he just called me a few minutes ago to give me an update he got about an issue he was having with his neighbors. I had been upset at him last week that he shared another update with another friend before telling me, so he said I was the first person he called about it. Times like that I feel ok, if he knew that without me having to tell him, why can't he get other more obvious things that I am upset about.

 

First, why would you be upset if you do not hear everything from him before anyone else? If another friend has a greater interest in that are, he will have more fun telling that other person. This does not mean you are lower on his list.

 

Second. the one thing that I see as a problem here...you like to make people guess how you are feeling rather than having you communicate the feelings. This is a control issue. It gives you great manipulative powers.

 

I am feeling hurt but the decision to leave him is becoming clearer. If he can't give me what I need, then it doesn't make sense to stay and be upset about it.

 

The decision is not clearer. It changes based on his behavior rather than based on his love for you...or even your present feelings for him...or maybe even your satisfaction with yourself. In my reading of YOUR stories of him...I think he is trying quite hard to please you and make you happy. However, you cannot look to others for your happiness. This is where therapy comes into play. I believe you must become satisfied with who you are. I don't think you need to love yourself anymore...I think that you need to focus LESS on your needs, and instead begin working on ways to please him. What does he need in this relationship?

 

And again..

why can't he get other more obvious things that I am upset about.

 

Because what is obvious to one person is obscure to another.

 

One word...therapy. Years ago it worked for me...it will work for you if you let it.

[whichwayisup]

Therapy is there to help, to make you a stronger and healthier person! SO many people go to therapy, Fun!

 

I will reply to your post later on, but I just needed to comment on this part:

 

we are getting used to our set-up where I sleep in the other bedroom when I stay over at his house,

 

Why are you two in separate bedrooms? This just doesn't seem right.

[Fun2BMe]

This I have mixed feelings on...YOU need therapy and your BOYFRIEND is arranging it? From what I have heard and experienced, if you do not choose your therapist, you may need be "into" the therapy. Therapists and patients need to get along in order for the therapy to work. It is not the boyfriend who is going in for therapy.

 

I personally don't see a problem with him picking one for me. He knows I have a problem with all of them wanting to put me on medication, something he is strongly against just as I am. This therapist is more spiritual and finds solutions within someone instead of resorting to drugs so if I ever am going to get myself to a therapist, I think he would be a good choice. But now that my bf keeps saying he doesn't think I need to see one, I'm scared he'll think I'm weak if I actually do see one. I am getting mixed signals from him on this.

 

 

I am not sure I agree that you read people well. You actually seem a bit paranoid and untrusting in your analyzing of people. This is a common thought of everyone...we ALL know how to read people...because we read people based on how we think they are feeling or based on how we interpret the expression they are showing...based on how we would feel. In reality, we all lack in our ability to understand people because we think that their background equals ours. What we fail to understand is that OUR experiences which give us our interpetation tools are much different from everyone else's. While we may dislike social gatherings, others may love them...as an example. This will cause us to interpret interactions differently.

 

That is something I have not thought of, that maybe I don't read people as well as I think, therefore they too might not be reading me all that well. This is something I have to think about.

 

First, why would you be upset if you do not hear everything from him before anyone else? If another friend has a greater interest in that are, he will have more fun telling that other person. This does not mean you are lower on his list.

It does mean I am lower on his list. I am of course just as interested in his issues, if not moreso than others. For him to call someone else to tell them something means he is closer to them than to me. Naturally that would upset me. I still have to find out at what time he met with his neighbors and everything unfolded. If it was much earlier than when he called to tell me about it, I fear he may have already shared the info with others before me. He openly told a white lie to a parking atendent a few weeks ago and ever since then I am getting worried if he freely tells white lies, something I never associated with him before and which I probably need to confront him about.

 

Second. the one thing that I see as a problem here...you like to make people guess how you are feeling rather than having you communicate the feelings. This is a control issue. It gives you great manipulative powers.

I don't understand how it is a control issue or manipulative since I do not do it intentionally. I do not withhold communicating on purpose as a means to control. I am wishing I could communicate better, something I can do more easily with others. That would solve a lot of my problems. I see it more as losing control, suffering the consequences I do not want to experience as a result of not communicating.

 

 

The decision is not clearer. It changes based on his behavior rather than based on his love for you...or even your present feelings for him...or maybe even your satisfaction with yourself.

 

Now that is very insightful and interesting. Another good point I have to think about. It is true how my decision keeps fluctuating from moment to moment, possibly basedon behavior instead of feelings. hmmm.

 

In my reading of YOUR stories of him...I think he is trying quite hard to please you and make you happy. However, you cannot look to others for your happiness. This is where therapy comes into play. I believe you must become satisfied with who you are. I don't think you need to love yourself anymore...I think that you need to focus LESS on your needs, and instead begin working on ways to please him. What does he need in this relationship?

So you are giving me a lot to think about. I have been considering him as selfish yet you say I have to focus more on his needs. I think someone else or maybe even you, had brought that up recently. To be honest I don't even have a clue as to what his needs are yet I can give you a long list of mine. That might not be a good sign.

[Fun2BMe]

Why are you two in separate bedrooms? This just doesn't seem right.

 

It's not a big deal. He says he moves around a lot in his sleep and needs his space. In fact we have never slept in the same bed together. I do however visit him in his room before he goes to bed, and in the morning sometimes he'll come by wake me up or else sometimes I visit him or we see each other later on. It bothered me at first but then I learned not to take it personal if he can't sleep with someone in the bed. I've come to like my own section of his house with my bedroom and bathroom so I honestly have no problem with it.

[DanielMadr]

You cheated. You act bitchy. And it his fault? It is all about your wounded emotions?

 

You have problem....cheating and fooling around everytime you 'feel' not appreciated is emotional flaw - personal integrity, character flaw. It is not a disease for which he should pitty you.

 

Reality check...you wouldnt cheated if you really love him. You tried to hurt him. If you actually cant love anybody, work on it by stopping to be so self-centered. Stop pittying yourself for your own flaws and grow up...take responsibility.

 

And no...you cant stay with him. Any reasonable man would dump you, knowing you disrespected him in most hurtful way and he will find out sooner or later.

[Walk]

I think he set it up so the therapist would come talk to you and offer his time.

 

I think your bf wants you to go, but he's scared to say it. If he tells you he thinks you should, then you're probably going to be pissed at him. If he implies you need it, then you're going to get pissed. (Nothing against you, I'd be irritated too.)

 

So I think he's trying a round about way to say "I feel this is a good thing to do" without actually telling you that he feels it would help you. He acted impressed that the therapist offered you his cell number. Which leads me to believe that he actually was happily surprised by it. Not negative in anyway toward you contacting the therapist.

 

No one would want their partner to say "You need therapy", so I think he's trying an indirect way to make that option available, without making you feel forced to go, or as if anything is wrong with you. I think he's trying a very sensitive approach to opening up that possibility.

 

And I also, very strongly urge you to take that opportunity. You have to.. absolutly have to learn how to communicate what's going on in your head and heart. You should have told your bf when he asked. And I don't know why you didn't, but that's something you're going to need help in learning how to do. Please take the help that is offered, and use it to your advantage. Your bf doesn't even need to know you called the guy and are going. And everything you tell the therapist is protected by LAW. So don't even worry about that.

[Fun2BMe]

You're right that when he's told me to see a therapist I've gotten upset. It sounds like he's saying he thinks something is wrong with me which is not a good feeling coming from someone who is supposed to think you're wonderful. I'm getting fed up at the mixed signals. He keeps telling me he doesn't think I need to see a therapist. I think maybe that's why subconsciously I end up acting up, withdrawing, not communicating. I might be screaming for help by showing him I'm not all together and happy and need help. I end up resenting him because as someone who is against therapy and medication and he knows that, for me to keep telling him I want to be on medication and get help, and for him to say he doesn't think I need to, it makes me feel like I'll show weakness to him if I were to get the help I think I need. I don't know why he introduced me to that man if he is going to turn around and again tell me I don't need to call him. I have been tossing and turning, feeling so angry and not able to have had any sleep this night. He's going to be going away for a month. He kept telling me it will be exhausting and all work. Yet at the party he kept bragging almost, saying how much fun he was going to have, that he was going to see a play or show almost every night he's in NY, then all the traveling and sightseeing he's going to do in China. I even overheard him tell someone that as long as he's out there, he may plan on additional trips like to Europe. Yet he sees how miserable I am and is advising me not to get help. I think part of the problem why I shut down and have a hard time expressing my feelings and thoughts to him is that in the past, when I have wanted to share anything heavy on my mind, he's told me to save it for a therapist so I feel like I don't want to either burdon him or even give the satisfaction of him knowing what is troubling me since he hurt me badly once a few years ago by not wanting to hear what it was troubling me. So now that he asks, I instinctively shut down not to place myself in a situation where he will end up not wanting to hear me. All this is adding up and making me more miserable. I am also furious that every single time we have ever had sex, it's all about him and him getting off. He doesn't care about me. As soon as he's finished, everything comes to a screaching halt and thinking about it is making me so angry. Are all men so selfish that they do everything they want, whether it has to do with travel or sex or whatever and not care about anyone else until they are told to? I hate to have to spell out every little thing while he acts dumb about it or is clueless. Either way I don't like it. I am supposed to see him tonight and I have a feeling I am about to explode or else end everything. A therapist might teach me how to communicate these things to him but is it worth it? Won't I ever meet a man who will do all these things because he wants to, not because he has a gf with great communication skills to tell him to? Maybe he pretends he wants me to get better but because he discourages me from actually seeking help, likes that I feel so helpless and probably knows exactly what is troubling me. I am so fed up. It's too exhausting and emotionally draining.

[lighthouse]

Therapy does not always mean medication; but some people do need medication.

Therapy is about talking about your problems and having someone talk to you about them.

It would be like seeing a loveshack.org in person.

LH

[norajane]

This therapist is more spiritual and finds solutions within someone instead of resorting to drugs so if I ever am going to get myself to a therapist, I think he would be a good choice. But now that my bf keeps saying he doesn't think I need to see one, I'm scared he'll think I'm weak if I actually do see one. I am getting mixed signals from him on this.

It shouldn't matter in the least whether your bf does or does not want you to go to therapy. Therapy is for YOU to get help in dealing with your issues, the issues that prevent you from being strong, confident, and happy with yourself, the issues that prevent you from speaking up and being honest about your feelings, the issues that are holding you back.

 

Whether he thinks you are weak or not is completely irrelevant.

 

You're right that when he's told me to see a therapist I've gotten upset. It sounds like he's saying he thinks something is wrong with me which is not a good feeling coming from someone who is supposed to think you're wonderful. I'm getting fed up at the mixed signals. He keeps telling me he doesn't think I need to see a therapist.

 

Maybe, like the rest of us, he's learned that if he tells you to go to a therapist, you'll just dig in your heels and resist. Maybe he thinks if he says you don't need therapy, you'll dig in your heels and go...reverse psychology.

 

Why don't you just make an appointment and talk to this therapist? Go a couple of times and see how you feel. Be clear with him that you don't want to start any medications, express your concerns about medications, and ask him if he thinks he can help you without medications.

 

What's the worst that can happen?

 

Edit to add: While he's away on these trips for a month would be a GREAT time for you to start talking to a therapist. You can be away from bf and clear your head and start getting help without any interference or new relationship issues. You clearly are troubled, exhausted and unhappy - do something good for yourself and get some help! All of us could probably benefit from some therapy, you know - your bf too!

[Fun2BMe]

Edit to add: While he's away on these trips for a month would be a GREAT time for you to start talking to a therapist. You can be away from bf and clear your head and start getting help without any interference or new relationship issues. You clearly are troubled, exhausted and unhappy - do something good for yourself and get some help! All of us could probably benefit from some therapy, you know - your bf too!

 

That's a great idea. I will start seeing the therapist as soon as the bf is gone. I can finally concentrate on fixing myself without his interference. I hope he will keep everything confidential and not tell my bf anything since they are friends. But maybe I can keep the topic off my bf. I am so nervous about going but I think I should.

[SmoochieFace]

That's a great idea. I will start seeing the therapist as soon as the bf is gone. I can finally concentrate on fixing myself without his interference. I hope he will keep everything confidential and not tell my bf anything since they are friends. But maybe I can keep the topic off my bf. I am so nervous about going but I think I should.

 

Hmmm...

 

Call me cynical but I think you should find a different therapist. If the one you have is friends with your BF then you are just asking for trouble here. In this case I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him.

[norajane]

That's a great idea. I will start seeing the therapist as soon as the bf is gone. I can finally concentrate on fixing myself without his interference. I hope he will keep everything confidential and not tell my bf anything since they are friends. But maybe I can keep the topic off my bf. I am so nervous about going but I think I should.

 

Therapists are legally bound to keep all patient information and discussions confidential, just like other doctors. He cannot tell your bf anything even if you bf asked and begged and pleaded. He cannot tell anybody anything or he risks losing his license.

 

You can even tell him that you're concerned he'll talk to your bf and he'll explain the law and your rights so you can be sure.

 

But you absolutely need to talk to your therapist about your bf because you need to explain how hard it is for you to be honest about your feelings with him. You have to tell your therapist or he won't know how to help you.

[Spectre]

I agree,,,she has royally screwed up. She needs to be honest with her boyfriend, and he with her. I have followed her story on all threads, and both the bf and her have been not so honest with each other. Fun2Be needs counselling and I think she knows it.

 

But read the first quote. Much as we like to believe that everyone has good judgment like "we" do, they don't. And just because to us the solution is so obvious...it isn't to the OP obviously or they wouldn't have posted here.

 

Face it...people come here because they need help and may not have a reliable friend to whom they can turn. And many of us sound stupid and ignorant because obvious solutions aren't obvious. On the other hand, we give what we think are obvious solution...BASED ON OUR EXPERIENCES. Other people haven't had our experiences and are looking for our input because they haven't had our experiences. Negative criticisms can be given positively or well, not so positively. When we post, we must consider that each person coming here looking for solutions is a person....not some unknown bunch of words from cyberspace.

 

 

 

I agree, but until we do, let everyone here give "common sense" answers to all of those "po folk" who aren't as smart as we are.

 

Fun2BeMe...let us know how your weekend was.

 

BS, in this day and age anyone who doesnt know its wrong to cheat is legally retarded, she knew damn well what she was doing, shes just selfish like every other person who does it, there is no excuse, there is no lack of judging situations. it isnt about being smart, its about common decency, this sh*t is taught in damn kindergarden, there is no reason for it. there isnt a section of america who are oblivious to how the rest of the damn world works. if you feel neglected, sad, etc? talk to your bf, talk to a friend, talk to someone, dont go cheat, it is that simple, if your solution to a problem is to do that, you do not know the true meaning of love

 

stop whining honey, you are lucky your damn bf even SPEAKS to you, did you even tell him yet? or are you just making him look like a damn fool?

 

"Excuse me but I'm the one suffering from heartache and guilt. I am doing everything possible to make the relationship better so why should I do something to let him dump me?"

 

this quote says it ALL, this chick is a selfish person, if she had any true remorse this would not even of been said. why dont you show your bf this? imagine how that would make him feel. you deserve heartache, you deserve guilt. and you certainly deserve the karma that is coming to you, your bf should drop you off at the therapist and then run like hell and never look back, then go get himself checked for STD's

 

it isnt worth it to read this entire thread, someone re-assure my faith in human decency and tell me shes atleast told this guy what is going on?

[lovelorcet]

Hey,

 

I will be the first to say that Fun2BMe has some real problems but the point is she is here to try and get help and that kind of name calling does not help at all.

 

Go grind your own axe somewhere else...

[lighthouse]

Therapists are legally bound to keep all patient information and discussions confidential, just like other doctors. He cannot tell your bf anything even if you bf asked and begged and pleaded. He cannot tell anybody anything or he risks losing his license.

 

You can even tell him that you're concerned he'll talk to your bf and he'll explain the law and your rights so you can be sure.

 

But you absolutely need to talk to your therapist about your bf because you need to explain how hard it is for you to be honest about your feelings with him. You have to tell your therapist or he won't know how to help you.

 

DITTO!!!!!!!!!!

[Walk]

Hmmm...

 

Call me cynical but I think you should find a different therapist. If the one you have is friends with your BF then you are just asking for trouble here. In this case I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him.

 

I went to see a pastor that my (at the time) husband recommended I talk to while we were in the process of getting a divorce. I had the same fear that the pastor would talk to my exh about things we said. I think I had more of a risk of having the pastor blab to my ex, then Fun does of having a licensed professional make the insane mistake of losing his profession by telling the bf even an iota of what Fun could say to him. The man would lose everything. I highly doubt he'd be willing to risk his home, his income, and his life style just for some guy he's friends with?

 

Anyway... It helped me a lot to talk to the pastor at the time. I was totally against seeing a therapist, didn't have the money to anyway. The pastor never said anything to my exh. He was on the up and up about everything, and where he stood in the situation. There were a few things that I had told him I would appreciate if he'd get my exh to understand... like the fact that I was NEVER going back to him. Other than that.. I'm really appreciative that I talked to that pastor. I was so completely messed up in the head. Couldn't deal with the emotions, the thoughts, the past... and I was getting pretty.. uh, unstable. Couldn't sleep, wasn't eating, couldn't barely work. It was hard to go, but it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

 

I really think you should do this Fun. Sometimes, just having a plan of action can make things seem better. Knowing that you're doing something, rather than just sitting there with all those thoughts and feelings eating you up inside. And I honestly believe you could benefit greatly from this.

[JamesM]

Spectre and bigmil...and how do you expect your posts to help F2BM? It may feel good for you to vent your anger. It may feel good for you to tell her off. But believe it or not, even if we have an opinion of what she has done, we all deserve to be answered civily. You may walk away saying, "Hmmph, I guess I told her!" But I highly doubt she will say..."Major revelations...I must listen to them!"

 

As is well known..if you have nothing good or constructive to add, please don't.

 

I really think you should do this Fun. Sometimes, just having a plan of action can make things seem better. Knowing that you're doing something, rather than just sitting there with all those thoughts and feelings eating you up inside. And I honestly believe you could benefit greatly from this.

 

Ditto to this. And it may be beneficial for you to back off from this relationship until you get everything figured out. Since your boyfriend obviously knows you seek therapy, then he should understand.

[a4a]

Fun you need to iron this out now. No matter if you and the bf stick together or not you will drag these same habits of non communication, need to feel needed, and what I think is abandonment issues with you into every relationship you form for the rest of your life unless you do something about it now.

 

It will not magically change even if you meet a new guy. Unless of course he is a mind reader (highly unlikely to happen).

[Fun2BMe]

Everyone's feedback about seeing a therapist makes me feel better about seeing one and more comfortable that I can trust he won't share what I tell him. That is something I am definitely going to start doing. I will call him Monday once my bf has left town this Fri.

 

Last night I went to visit him. I called to tell him I had to stop by my office first to meet with a client, he had no problem with it, said he'd go run some errands. It was taking me longer than I had anticipated, but it was for a big account so he called again to see the status of when I'd be done, then when I was finished up I called him.

 

It was after 8pm I got to his house. I was in a good mood for the deal I had made. He kept saying it was ok I was late, that when he works I am patient waiting for him. This irritated me because he brought it up about 3 times giving the impression it really bothered him. I am almost never late and have spent hours and hours waiting on him while he works away so it totally changed my mood. He also said that he thought it was lack of having a lot of work and keeping busy that was the cause of my unhappiness, that this was proof I didn't need any therapy. I thought it undermined everything I mean to him, that he is that clueless about my real feelings. I told him this would probably last a few hours or days but it wasn't something meaningful enough to keep me so happy. Sure enough I wasn't so happy by the end of the evening anyways. He couldn't even wait to eat and had already had his dinner and told me I could help myself to whatever I wanted. I ate alone in the kitchen while he was in his office doing his work. I thought that was selfish. I would've waited if the rolls were reversed.

 

He had told me ahead of time I wouldn't be able to spend the night since he had to be up very early to get a lot done before his trip and so on. In the past 4 months we've had intercourse 4 times. He asked if I wanted to 'make love' as it would be the last opportunity before he went away. I was surprised and happy.

 

Things didn't go as planned, it was to the point where I was doing everything and he hinted at wanting to get oral which has been the case all the time and frustrates me to no end. So at that point I got upset and out of the mood and he said if I wasn't in the mood then we could stop so I said let's stop. It was very late so he insisted I stay over which I did and left very early in the morning and am still feeling upset at how everything went. At this point I am looking forward for him to leave so in that sense it makes things easier on me and I won't fear his absence as much, being that I am so upset at how he is with me. He also had the newspaper in the kitchen on a dear-abby type of letters page that had a letter about cheating. I am getting scared if he senses anything and am reading into everything. Anyways, all of the comments are very helpful and I need to read some of them again and therapy is something I am planning now on getting.

[crazy_grl]

it isnt about being smart, its about common decency, this sh*t is taught in damn kindergarden, there is no reason for it. there isnt a section of america who are oblivious to how the rest of the damn world works.

 

Funny... nobody taught that in my kindergarten, and since my school district was a lot better than I've heard others are, I'm going to guess that it's not taught in many other kindergartens either. These are the kinds of things parents are supposed to teach their kids, and the sad truth is that some parents just don't. Not all parents teach what is healthy vs not healthy and right vs wrong. Heck some parents end up completely warping those ideas in their children.

 

I really don't think Fun saw what she did as wrong, but she does seem to be coming around and trying to change. She deserves some support for her efforts, not insults. However, now that she's realizing what she's done is wrong, there's absolutely no excuse to do it again, and I do think that soon she should own up to what she's done by telling her bf.

 

I hope he will keep everything confidential and not tell my bf anything since they are friends.

 

Like Norajane said, he’s legally bound against telling your bf. But…

 

How close of friends are they? If they're really close, it would be considerate of you not to put him in a position where he knows that you’ve been cheating on your bf before you’ve told him. While he isn't allowed to tell, that could still be very awkward for him and for you. You could simply not tell your therapist that you cheated, but I think if you want to fully work through the problem, you should admit to it. Maybe you should start out talking to this guy and switch to someone else. He might be able to recommend someone. He should be understanding of the fact that you don't feel comfortable sharing info about your relationship with one of your bf's friends.

 

If they’re just acquaintances, then that may not be an issue.

[ElroyJetz1]

I don't know how to talk to him. As of last night, the guilt I was beginning to experience about being with others has been overshadowed by his revelation that he will be traveling to other locations and I can therefore read into it that I will not be meeting up with him on his trip. I will be occupied wondering who he is with and what he is doing. How am I supposed to talk about this? My other issue has taken the backseat for now.

 

Fun2BeMe, you need a dose of your own medicine, enough of the pity party. I am hoping if not praying your boyfriend is unfaithful to you on his little excursion to China and enjoys every moment of his sexual satisfaction with another woman while you sit there and blame him for your own issues. Seek help !