is this emotional abuse? the first step is acknowledging there's a problem.

[AlwaysHope]

Hi everyone! I've been in a rocky, up-and-down relationship for almost two years now and my boyfriend went to medical school in August. Since then, we've been surviving LD but it hasn't been easy.

 

The latest issue stems from what my friends and family are telling me is emotional and verbal abuse.

 

When he has to go study and feels that he wants to end our conversation (nomatter how long we've been talking), or when he gets angry at something we're talking about, he simply hangs up. There IS NO discussion. If he doesn't like it, we don't talk about it. Click. Then he turns his phone off so I can't get in touch with him. Even if he leaves the phone on, he doesn't answer my texts, my calls, my voicemails. Sometimes he logs onto AIM while studying, and won't answer my messages; he even puts up cruel "away messages" at times.

 

I've told him how much it hurts me when he hangs up on me, especially when he shuts me out and won't let me contact him. He knows I hate it. I've told him that it's a control mechanism, that he has to learn to give a little bit and just because he doesn't want to talk about something doesn't mean he can just hang up.

 

I have been guilty of hanging up on people before too, but I have always called back - with an apology. When he finally does call me back or answer his phone, he NEVER apologizes. It is always something I did.

 

We have our problems (he seems to be developing a serious attitude now that he's in med school, he's lied to me before, I feel that I put more into the relationship than he does, etc. etc.), but this feels really wrong.

 

Maybe I've just been in denial. "He's so busy, he just can't stay on the phone." "It was my fault for bringing that up." The same old excuses. At the end of the day, my friends are right. Treating someone like that just doesn't jibe with the "I love you" that we're pretending right now.

 

Is this abuse? Should I cut and run? He promises every time that he will never do it again, but it only gets worse. It really hurts. I tell myself I'll get used to it, but I never do.

 

What to do?

[StayClose]

It depends. What is happening in the conversation just before he hangs up?

[Kamille]

My sister just finished med school and she was unsufferable through it. I hear it's no walk in the park.

 

Still it's no excuse for hanging up on people. It could be a control mechanism, but like StayClose said, we'd need more context.

 

Does he tell you he doesn't have the time/energy to discuss whatever it is you are discussing before hanging up? If he does, do you aknowledge he might not have the time and agree to talk about things later, at a better time for you both?

 

Do you often get into arguments? If so, how often does he use this hanging up technique? Do you ever get to discuss things calmly?

[AlwaysHope]

well, the context in which he hangs up is usually anything. for example, today we were talking about advanced practice degrees in nursing (which is what i'm doing) versus medical degrees. he disagreed with me, thought i was belittling medical doctors, and hung up.

 

sometimes we'll be talking about something very important, like breaking up, or the next time we'll see each other, or how i've had a bad day, and he'll just say, "you're getting in my way. i don't have time to do this. why do you always pull this on me?" and hang up. he makes it out that i "pull" things when he has to study. the problem is that he is CONSTANTLY studying. day in, day out.

 

so no, we never have a chance to talk calmly. one of us is always on our way somewhere else or in the middle of something.

 

we do argue a lot. he calls me a b***h, says rude things about my family ("f**k you and your crazy family" being the latest), says i'm needy because i ask to speak to him for longer than 10 minutes at a time. he says i'm jealous that he's in medical school and that he will one day be financially successful. he has told me that he will never let me "get into" the money he will one day make. this is hilarious because a) i don't care about money, and b) i don't even need his money. he has a major attitude problem.

 

i don't really mind the hanging up as much as i mind the turning off the phone. he makes himself completely inaccessible, and if something important did happen i wouldn't be able to get in touch with him.

 

i am not a demanding girlfriend. i have been completely supportive of him through school and have wanted nothing but the best for him. apparently he has zero time, though, and his means of controlling our conversations is to hang up.

 

i guess i feel that since it's been happening for months, several times a week, it's an indicator that he doesn't truly care for me. in my opinion, that's not how you treat someone you love.

[stillafool]

Sweetie it's time to give this guy a reality check. He obviously thinks he's God's gift to the world. If I were you I wouldn't call him anymore. He probably thinks (and is right) that because he is becoming a doctor he can get anybody he wants and is treating you like he's doing you a favor. If you continue to put up with his abuse it will only get worse and you will become his doormat. Stop calling him now and make him wonder what happen to you. If he calls you after 5 min. tell him you have to go and get off the phone. If he starts an argument just laugh and tell him you don't have time for this right now and you have to go. I don't care what someone is going through there is no excuse to treat you this way.

[Walk]

I'd be rip roaring mad if any man bad mouthed my family like that. I don't care if it's true that they're all crazy.. that's MY family. And derogatory remarks about my family will buy any guy a one way trip to lonely in a heart beat.

 

I think you're taking too much crap from this guy. He isn't treating you with respect. Isn't even putting in a bare minimum of effort into the relationship. As soon as something he doesn't want to talk about comes up... click. He's done. Gives up and hides. Do you really want a partner like that? I thought partners stood by you. Worked "with" you on problems, and tried to help where they could. But what's your guy doing? I know there are times where one partner just doesn't have the time or energy to give more to their partner, but that's where communication comes into play. Discussing things to find a comprimise until the relationship can get back on more level ground. But your guy won't even communicate. It'd be different if he'd work with you to set times where you two could talk for x amount of time. If he communicated that he needed tuesday free to study, but wednesday he'd have time to talk for 30 minutes in the afternoon. All your guy does is close down, close off, and shut you out. THat isn't a partnership. THat's a selfish ass who's too immature to deal with some stress.

 

My advice... dump him. He might be rich in the future, but he's going to be emotionally retarded for life.

[StayClose]

Are YOU yelling or ranting at him when he hangs up?

[everlong]

"I've been in a rocky, up-and-down relationship for almost two years now"

u must remember that you 'view' of events is tainted because the relationship is not working out so sometimes small things look larger. just ask yerself if the same thing happened duringgood times [that would be whacked indeed - lol] would u see it as bad? probably not. u shake things off better. something that might appear to be 'rude' in good times, and the same thing abusive in bad times.

 

"the latest issue stems from what my friends and family are telling me is emotional and verbal abuse."

were they there when these things happen? probably. they are relying on your testimony of events - which will be slanted and bais depending on the 'doer' and the 'doeeeee'. ask yourself this, do u tailor an event, and leave parts out?? when u tell a story about someone doing something to you, do u give it the same 'weight' as when you tell a story about when you do something to others? that's key. plus, they are your friends, your family - there is no-one representing the other side - stacked jury - they opinions would not hold up in court - case dismissssssssssed.

 

 

"when he gets angry at something we're talking about, he simply hangs up."

temper = abuse..no. if temper tants happen every single and and ongoing - possible

hanging up? rudeness

 

"There IS NO discussion."

NO WAY - that would mean that anyone that uses NC is abusive.

 

"If he doesn't like it, we don't talk about it."

Nope - self centred - that's all

 

"Click. Then he turns his phone off so I can't get in touch with him."

its their phone - not yers

 

"Even if he leaves the phone on, he doesn't answer my texts, my calls, my voicemails."

he can do that - rude tho

 

" Sometimes he logs onto AIM while studying, and won't answer my messages;"

again - unless you have a contract that says he must - nope

 

just sounds like you are haviong relationship troubles

 

would u care to list any possible abusive events you have done?

[climbergirl]

I wouldn't label him as emotionally abusive, but based on what you wrote, he seems like a self-centered prick.

 

Either that or you're nagging him a lot and he doesn't have the mental energy to deal with it. If that's the case-back off for a while.

[nicki]

Hmmm, self-absorbed pricks often ARE abusers. They don't care about other people's perspectives. They dismiss or minimize other people's feelings and opinions. They cut-down their SO's family and friends (in order to isolate the SO.) They make the SO feel like they are the one with the problem. In fact, the SO will usually make up tons of excuses for the "poor, over-worked guy.

 

Sound like your guy? Maybe I'm over-sensitive to self-absorbed pricks, but where they are concerned, I just say "NO."

 

He's a loser. Sorry to add, too, that many doctors develop a "God Complex" and think they are the definitive authority on everything.

 

I'd ignore him until he came to you asking you what's wrong. Then I'd spell it out very clearly that you won't tolerate his crap. If he doesn't treat you better right away and keep it up consistently, then please consider walking away from him.

 

He sounds very disrespectful and self-centered. I don't care how demanding his life is, he should NOT treat you like you are an annoyance. Rather, he should treat you like you are the best respite from his busy life.

[Lynn&Troy]

Hmmm, self-absorbed pricks often ARE abusers. They don't care about other people's perspectives. They dismiss or minimize other people's feelings and opinions. They cut-down their SO's family and friends (in order to isolate the SO.) They make the SO feel like they are the one with the problem. In fact, the SO will usually make up tons of excuses for the "poor, over-worked guy.

 

Sound like your guy? Maybe I'm over-sensitive to self-absorbed pricks, but where they are concerned, I just say "NO."

 

He's a loser. Sorry to add, too, that many doctors develop a "God Complex" and think they are the definitive authority on everything.

 

I'd ignore him until he came to you asking you what's wrong. Then I'd spell it out very clearly that you won't tolerate his crap. If he doesn't treat you better right away and keep it up consistently, then please consider walking away from him.

 

He sounds very disrespectful and self-centered. I don't care how demanding his life is, he should NOT treat you like you are an annoyance. Rather, he should treat you like you are the best respite from his busy life.

 

I agree with everything nicki said! Been there...Done that!

[Leikela]

Take it from someone who knows. He is being emotionally abusive with his words and actions. This is not a healthy relationship. He treats you like you're a "bother" and an "afterthought". That's abusive. You deserve to be treated like a human being. He's also controlling everything about your relationship. He even controls when you two talk and decides when he doesn't want to anymore by hanging up. He tries to blame everything on you and acts angry as a result. How is this behavior NOT abusive?

 

If you can, get out of this relationship. You deserve to have a guy respect you as a person and treat you like the special person you are. Dump this guy and find someone worthy.

[Respect]

we do argue a lot. he calls me a b***h, says rude things about my family ("f**k you and your crazy family" being the latest), says I'm needy because i ask to speak to him for longer than 10 minutes at a time. he says I'm jealous that he's in medical school and that he will one day be financially successful. he has told me that he will never let me "get into" the money he will one day make. this is hilarious because a) i don't care about money, and b) i don't even need his money. he has a major attitude problem.

 

Holy hell. How are you able to let him talk to you like this and still look at yourself in the mirror? You need to develop some self-respect. Anytime someone belittles you, your family, and career and you take it, you need to reevaluate why you aren't immediately telling him to F off so you can be single/be with someone else and be much better off.

 

MD