ARE all the good ones taken?

[Craig]

Craig,

 

I am thinking about asking a male co-worker out for lunch either this week or next week.

*extends handshake* Congrats I truly hope you continue this approach if this guy doesn't work out. In a very real sense it is a numbers thing, you have to sometimes (unless you're lucky) go out with more than a few to find the one you want. Best of luck to you.

 

Have you done things like schools - continuing ed classes/art/language classes; How about church if you're so inclined. Also, what about internet dating like Match dot com etc? I met someone halfway decent there once...

Another good idea! Increase your chances of meeting that someone special by meeting more people. It's an old idea that always works.

 

There are a lot of single men and women out there despising eachother as they search for the pot of shiny, happy, perfectly balanced people that they just know must be lying at the foot of a faraway rainbow. The question is, even if those shiny, happy, perfect people really existed - wouldn't they prefer to mate with eachother?

Don't know about you Lindya but whenever I come across a 'shiny, happy, perfect' woman I just think she is overcompensating for some huge insecurity she has and that would be hell in a relationship lasting any length of time. In my next relationship I want a woman that has enough flaws to make her human and enough good points to make her good (healthy) relationship material.

 

I think that's unfair. There's a vast area between 'shiny, happy, people' and 'bitter, angry, dysfunctional people'. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for someone at least somewhat closer to the former category than the latter.

 

If you've been going out with dozens of men who are not in the latter category, please do tell where you've found them. Perhaps we can learn from your experiences.

The only way I can describe it is how one carries oneself. Four out of five of the women that have recently asked me out were what I would call quality women. Independent, smart, responsible, compassionate, etc. but I turned them all down because *I* am not ready for a relationship or for dating.

 

See yourself with a certain kind of person, a man in your case, leave out no details and sure enough overtime you will start to attract them to you. What kind of man do you think about most now? Do you think about what you want or what you don't want?

 

Craig: I have met 1 new guy in the last month; 5 new guys in the last 6 months. (Am still in touch with them all)

 

Unfortunately the one I'm most attracted to/compatible with is "very married." So, obviously, I'm trying to look elsewhere.

 

And if I sound picky... I am. Way back in my prehistory, I got involved with someone (my ex) because he paid attention to me (or seemed to) and I guess I figured I would never find anyone else. Big. Mistake.

 

I think I am sensitive to going out on dates with someone I don't have any "spark" with and then not knowing how to extricate myself.

 

I'm not sure how I could be giving out a wounded vibe since I never talk about my past (not that I've been asked yet). But who knows.

Ah the mysterious and elusive 'spark.' Hummmph. Don't let the lack of an initial spark stop you from going out on several dates with someone. Sometimes your date can be so nervous that there never could be a spark from them when they are feeling that. Once your date begins to relax the spark might suddenly appear.

 

As far as extricating yourself from a date with no spark, just take control of the date and have fun for yourself. In a little while the date will be over and that's that.

 

If you are giving out a wounded vibe, and I don't know if you are or not, it could be coming from the part of you that resulted in your ex being attracted to you. It may stem from childhood and as Lindya suggested to another poster in another thread "People do often recreate familiar patterns in their relationships, maybe in the hope of eventually achieving resolution via a positive outcome." Some soul searching and maybe counseling with a competent psychologist may help here. Harville Hendrix's book Getting The Love You Want is a pretty good read and has some work sheets on this somewhat common type of relationship issue.

[alphamale]

Every guy my age is either all settled down, or all beat down... and I'm just starting to live, and can't find anyone else who's in the same place as me. (And no, I just don't feel right about romancing a 21-year-old boy.)

when we are young its women who have the advantage in the battle of the sexes. when we get older (> 40) its the men who have the advantage.

 

what goes around, comes around.

[monkey00]

when we are young its women who have the advantage in the battle of the sexes. when we get older (> 40) its the men who have the advantage.

 

what goes around, comes around.

 

Yep, it's called payback

[lindya]

I think that's unfair. There's a vast area betweeen 'shiny, happy, people' and 'bitter, angry, dysfunctional people'. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for someone at least somewhat closer to the former category than the latter.

 

If you've been going out with dozens of men who are not in the latter category, please do tell where you've found them. Perhaps we can learn from your experiences.

 

I'll answer this in good faith, despite the sarcasm, and the fact that you don't feel able to post it under your usual user name.

 

Firstly, I didn't suggest there isn't a vast area between shiny, happy, people and bitter, angry individuals. What I was trying to do was highlight that some of the people who have the biggest problem with the opposite sex do so precisely because they split in that way. They regard the people they meet in a negative light...eg

 

women my age have huge axes to grind and I am friends with a lot of them. So glad not to be dating them, however. They are full of cynicism and have chronically cold feet. The rest are self-absorbed crazy cat ladies in waiting. But being an optimist, I know there are a few out there who are, ahem, "normal."

 

and imagine that "somewhere out there" are the "normal", happy, shiny people.

 

You asked about my interactions with men in real life life? They're generally pretty good. Of course they have issues; some more than others. Everyone does. What it probably comes down to a lot of the time is whether two people are compatible in their issues as well as their personalities. Whether you like it or not, being compatible in mild dysfunctionality is often what causes an intense emotional connection in many people. I can see it in my parents. Lots of dysfunctional bits and pieces there, but they fit together and they make it work.

 

Tell you where to find men who are something other than slightly bitter and dysfunctional? I don't know. Nobody I've ever got close to has proved to be anything other than a bit dysfunctional in some ways, and I wouldn't expect - or want - it to be otherwise. Being complex and imperfect is part of the human condition. People get bitter in times of disappointment. They lose faith and get cynical. Helping them through that (and letting them help you through similar times) rather than rejecting them for not being "normal" enough is part of love and friendship.

 

You can't get through this life without sustaining a few scars. Not if you're prepared to take the risk of rejection and failure. Anyone who tries to deny that with some Happy Clappy, shiny person Truman Show act is a bore and a fake in my view. I'd be quite happy to send those people over to you if that's what you're looking for. So no - I can't tell you where to find dewy-eyed non-dysfunctional people. I can only tell you how to appreciate the dysfunctional ones for their good qualities, and thereby bring out something other than just the negative, bitter anger that is so often just a response to other people's unrealistic expectations.

 

Don't know about you Lindya but whenever I come across a 'shiny, happy, perfect' woman I just think she is overcompensating for some huge insecurity she has and that would be hell in a relationship lasting any length of time.

 

Word.

[burning 4 revenge]

when we are young its women who have the advantage in the battle of the sexes. when we get older (> 40) its the men who have the advantage.

 

what goes around, comes around.

only if the men are rich alpha

[justagirliegirl]

only if the men are rich alpha

 

True, I hear too many women complaining about 40+ men. So many of them need the little blue pill to even do it. Poor health from smoking, drinking, obesity, and so on. Plus usually lots of baggage.

 

Don't think they have any advantage.

[burning 4 revenge]

The only sense in which Alpha's comment might be correct...and the times are changing, so this isn't as true anymore...is that attractive younger women will go for well-set older men and the converse isn't so true.

 

A younger man will jump at the opportunity to be with an attractive woman in her forties, but rarely will they seek a sugar-mommy. There still are a lot of younger women (especially here in S.Florida) who seek out sugar daddies.

[Guest]

What I was trying to do was highlight that some of the people who have the biggest problem with the opposite sex do so precisely because they split in that way. They regard the people they meet in a negative light...eg

women my age have huge axes to grind and I am friends with a lot of them. So glad not to be dating them, however. They are full of cynicism and have chronically cold feet. The rest are self-absorbed crazy cat ladies in waiting. But being an optimist, I know there are a few out there who are, ahem, "normal."

 

I can only tell you how to appreciate the dysfunctional ones for their good qualities, and thereby bring out something other than just the negative, bitter anger that is so often just a response to other people's unrealistic expectations.

 

So then you would be willing to take on the above-quoted individual and work hard to bring out his good qualities? Well I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

 

Generally, marching into someone's life with the grand plan of repairing him leads to spectacular crash-and-burn results but hey - if you're up for it, may the force be with you. Note I did not say I was looking for perfection. Just someone a reasonable distance away from 'generally soured on life and humanity'.

[NotKelly]

 

Ah the mysterious and elusive 'spark.' Hummmph. Don't let the lack of an initial spark stop you from going out on several dates with someone. Sometimes your date can be so nervous that there never could be a spark from them when they are feeling that. Once your date begins to relax the spark might suddenly appear.

 

 

I tried that... 15 years ago... with my ex! Look where it got me!

 

I!! WANT!!! SPARK!!!!!!

 

And I want it NOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

[ilmw]

Seems the difference between men and women - at least on LS - is that the women are glad to be rid of abusive men, where men will continue to sing the 'poor me' song for YEARS after the women who treated them like dirt.

 

You're quite right - it's very hard to find a guy who's not bitter. One bad relationship turns them all sour while women just bounce back. Your only choice might be to grab a young hottie. But try not to make him bitter LOL

 

Generalize much......!?

 

Not every guy is bitter... and I do know bitter women... who were abused and treated like dirt... so ... I guess it goes both ways.

[lindya]

So then you would be willing to take on the above-quoted individual and work hard to bring out his good qualities? Well I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

 

What...the cynical guy with the warped sense of humour? For me his cynicism might well be one of his most delicious qualities, and one that I wouldn't need to work hard to bring out. For that reason, he might be less angry simply because he's in a situation that's right for him. Were he with someone who dislikes cynicism, doesn't get or enjoy his sense of humour and sees his grouchiness as a "red flag", he might feel judged, angry and misunderstood

 

Generally, marching into someone's life with the grand plan of repairing him leads to spectacular crash-and-burn results but hey - if you're up for it, may the force be with you. Note I did not say I was looking for perfection. Just someone a reasonable distance away from 'generally soured on life and humanity'.

 

I can't find the part in my post that states that I'm keen to find a dysfunctional individual, so that I can march into his life and fix him. If I think a guy needs to be "fixed" before I regard him as okay, that's a sign that I'm destined to make him unhappy because I can't validate him as he is. That guy could get together with you, and you might be perfect for him. You could become the envy of your friends for having this wonderful, loving partner - but were he with me, he could look like the boyfriend from hell, simply because he's with the wrong woman.

 

Likewise, Mr Cynical might be a nightmare if he were hooked up with you, but could be an okay guy if he were hooked up with me. "Unfixable" people sometimes bloom when they find situations where they're accepted and appreciated for who they are.

[Island Girl]

I tried that... 15 years ago... with my ex! Look where it got me!

 

I!! WANT!!! SPARK!!!!!!

 

And I want it NOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

 

Okay. It happens for everyone when they relax, start becoming involved in different things you like and you meet people who have similar likes.

 

Remember that women you may meet in these venues have single brothers, brother-in-laws, friends, boyfriend's friends, husband's friends, etc.

 

So by meeting women you like you'll also increase the chances of meeting Mr. Wonderful too.

 

At almost 32 I had stead-fastly resolved to not date anymore because although there WOULD be a spark, they would fall in love, I would not - at that time I thought I COULD NOT.

 

I thought something was wrong with me that couldn't be fixed.

 

So I decided I would not get involved with men anymore and stop breaking other people's hearts. I would date but not get involved and I had an extraordinary long list of impossible rules that anyone dating me had to follow basically ensuring any dating would end quickly with any man.

 

I was resolved that I would be alone. No forever love - no deep connection that I'd always heard about, and seen other people experience, etc.

 

A few months later I met a guy I thought couldn't stick around long. With the system I had in place I figured he'd be done in about 2 weeks.

 

He kept shocking me and I fell absolutely head over heels in love with him and I know it had everything to do with "letting go of the search".

It'll happen, almost always when you least expect it.

[Guest]

If I think a guy needs to be "fixed" before I regard him as okay, that's a sign that I'm destined to make him unhappy because I can't validate him as he is.

 

Exactly. And I'm just not up for validating 'bitter'. However other people can't stand 'insecure' and that's not anathema to me. One woman's 'dysfunctional' is another woman's 'quirky' LOL.