Stepping Back from Sex

[Scrivdog]

There you go, James! It's YOUR FAULT!

 

I knew it was just a matter of time before you got blamed. You initiate intimate contact with your wife and she rolls over and goes to sleep. And it's your fault for expecting something ... you selfish bastard, you.

 

Everyone take note. Mark my words. James is vulnerable now. Very vulnerable. The first attractive woman he works with that sees this in him will snag him and he has very little to fight back with.

 

There is NO excuse for the wife's behavior here. None. She's responsible for keeping the relationship in the marriage alive also. Looks like James is doing all he can. Hell, he's doing more than most would.

 

And so now what? Divorce? Is he supposed to go live in a one bedroom apartment and see his kids every other week just because she's 'no longer in the mood'? Is he supposed to just go celibate?

 

Come on, let's hear it! What does he do?

[stoopid_guy]

I just hate to pour on the physical attention...ie hugs and kisses...and get nothing in return. Selfish?

I understand, and wouldn't call it selfish. Attention that isn't reciprocated (eventually) makes the giver feel unappreciated, unwanted, and lower than dirt.

 

For those that don't understand; Have you ever said "I love you" to someone who wouldn't say it back? How long did you keep wanting to say it? Intimacy or attempts at intimacy that are not returned feel just like that.

[a4a]

There you go, James! It's YOUR FAULT!

 

I knew it was just a matter of time before you got blamed. You initiate intimate contact with your wife and she rolls over and goes to sleep. And it's your fault for expecting something ... you selfish bastard, you.

 

Everyone take note. Mark my words. James is vulnerable now. Very vulnerable. The first attractive woman he works with that sees this in him will snag him and he has very little to fight back with.

 

There is NO excuse for the wife's behavior here. None. She's responsible for keeping the relationship in the marriage alive also. Looks like James is doing all he can. Hell, he's doing more than most would.

 

And so now what? Divorce? Is he supposed to go live in a one bedroom apartment and see his kids every other week just because she's 'no longer in the mood'? Is he supposed to just go celibate?

 

Come on, let's hear it! What does he do?

 

yeah we all said it is all his fault........his alone..... he is the only one to blame......yep......

 

Think here buddy........ who really said that? Maybe I missed that portion?

Bitter bitter man just looking for an opp to take a jab to feel validated and thwart responsibility from your own failed R or M?

 

Maybe James is happy with his marriage, the M but maybe he is only in love with his wife when it serves him? Only he knows.

 

and f-ing when my needs were not being met and I took charge of fixing the problem I was labeled as a mean nasty biotch...... But if a man needs sex........well, that is different

 

So step down off the high horse buckwheat.

[a4a]

I understand, and wouldn't call it selfish. Attention that isn't reciprocated (eventually) makes the giver feel unappreciated, unwanted, and lower than dirt.

 

.

 

Been there done that and stuck a fork in that beast!

 

game playing will not fix it...... to the point in a positive productive manner and give the partner a choice to either participate in the marriage in a manner which is needed and desired within reasonable parameters.

[JamesM]

whoa........... dag you are being a tad selfish...... IMHO. Your only motive is to get sex, you do housework in hopes of sex? Maybe this is indeed showing through no matter how much you think it may not be?

 

You only pour on the physical attention to get something in return?

 

I knew it was just a matter of time before you got blamed. You initiate intimate contact with your wife and she rolls over and goes to sleep. And it's your fault for expecting something ... you selfish bastard, you.

 

Attention that isn't reciprocated (eventually) makes the giver feel unappreciated, unwanted, and lower than dirt.

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

That comment was added by me out of curiosity to see the response. Note the first two quotes are from women, and the second two quotes are from men. Says alot, doesn't it?

 

Truthfully, I am not looking for sex when I kiss and hug. I am looking for some kisses and hugs in return that are meant. And yes, she does for the most part do so, but many of them are a kind return...kinda like, "I love you, but really have no interest in kissing right now."

 

And if it is my fault, I would love to know, because then if I know what it is, I can fix it. That is my problem...knowing what it is.

 

BTW, thanks for the good laugh...no really, I enjoyed those comments.

[a4a]

[quote=JamesM;

 

And if it is my fault, I would love to know, because then if I know what itis, I can fix it. That is my problem...knowing what it is.

 

BTW, thanks for the good laugh...no really, I enjoyed those comments.

 

Are you retarded? I am serious!

 

Tell her...... tell her point F-ing blank. nicely...... but to the point... and if there is no change well guess what, she does not give a rats ass.

 

Oh but I forgot it doesn't count unless she is motivated on her own to want to have sex with you.... obviously she does not get into sex with you anymore so hoping and wishing she will turn into a porn star for you, hoping she knows how much pain you feel and she is a mind reader and should porny up for you naturally is the only way you will allow it?

 

Then you have a choice...... continue this way or leave...... maybe if you discussed that you may actually leave it may open her friggin eyes.

 

If you are not getting the reaction you want it is up to you to change the stimulus until you do.

 

Did you ever think that maybe she only is with you because of the marriage itself? She doesn't want to touch you? Sorry but it happens, people change and unless you really maintain a M, IMHO it will happen.

[norajane]

Note the first two quotes are from women, and the second two quotes are from men. Says alot, doesn't it?

 

Yes, it says that it's exactly that easy for your wife to misunderstand you, or for you to give her the wrong messages.

 

Truthfully, I am not looking for sex when I kiss and hug. I am looking for some kisses and hugs in return that are meant. And yes, she does for the most part do so, but many of them are a kind return...kinda like, "I love you, but really have no interest in kissing right now."

 

If she thinks the only reason you hug and kiss is because you want sex, then to her, when you kiss her, it's the same thing as "I love you, but really have no interest in kissing you right now except that I want sex."

 

I understand that you're saying that's not the case...but does your wife really understand that? Or does she think you kiss her just like you might do the laundry or make breakfast...it's a chore you do just to get sex? And does she understand that for you getting sex is about love and intimacy and not just getting your rocks off?

 

You two have a lot of work ahead of you to deal with this - why aren't you in marriage counseling?

[Scrivdog]

<bla bla bla ..>

 

Maybe James is happy with his marriage, the M but maybe he is only in love with his wife when it serves him? Only he knows.

 

<yapp yappity bla ..>

 

Maybe he's in love with her al the time - he just would like the physical intmacy that comes with marriage. Isn't that what he's saying? How the hell is he and Stoopid_Guy supposed to get that if their wives won't cooperate?

[burning 4 revenge]

I have to admit that when it's a woman who's libido has diminished and the husband is frustrated the majority of the women seem to analyze the husband's behavior, and advocate counseling, understanding and patience.

 

When the man's libido takes a nose-dive somewhere in the marriage all the girls start screaming divorce that impotent loser.

[JackJack]

James, the bottom line is, that reguardless of those who are playing when they say its your fault or those that are being serious, the deal is, you do not live with these people here, you don't go home to these people here, so when your wife says to you "its your fault James, " and tells you why its your fault, thats the only time that statement will really matter.

 

 

I would imagine that you probably do kiss or hug or her without it having to be sexual or without it having to be about you getting sex. I also feel that if you do the laundry for your wife, or cook dinner, its not just to get sex. And even if it were, are you not meeting her need emotionally by helping her with things with chores etc? Sure you are, for SOME women that speaks volumes to them, They feel hey if he is scratching my back then I'll scratch his. Its not about doing something for someone so they can get something in return its about compromise. I do for you becasue I love you and care for you. Most people who give a damn about their spouse will usually do the same in return. THose that do not do that in return either don't know how, or don't give a rats ass. Since she is not, then thats where the question lies. It could be anything. Hang in there.

[Scrivdog]

I have to admit that when it's a woman who's libido has diminished and the husband is frustrated the majority of the women seem to analyze the husband's behavior, and advocate counseling, understanding and patience.

 

When the man's libido takes a nose-dive somewhere in the marriage all the girls start screaming divorce that impotent loser.

Exactly .. The amount of time SG has had to be patient borders on abuse.

[a4a]

Exactly .. The amount of time SG has had to be patient borders on abuse.

 

ok but that is his CHOICE TO DO SO. Just like it would be my choice to remedy, accept, or leave my marriage......... choice with different outcomes.

 

It is also my H's choice to choose one of these things as long as he/she is clearly aware that there is a problem.

[stoopid_guy]

When the man's libido takes a nose-dive somewhere in the marriage all the girls start screaming divorce that impotent loser.

Or "He must be cheating! Load the keylogger!":confused:

[what happens.....]

Actually, I would argue that most men don't think their wives are being purposely manipulative. That's part of the pain of rejection is that it's a pretty big blow to the self-esteem to have your gf/wife not even think about having sex with you. Some might say that's worse than her purposely withholding.

 

The thing is, there's a bit of a double standard in saying that women need to be taught to meet their man's sexual needs. From the beginning of dating, guys get it drilled into their heads to call, bring flowers, buy jewelry, be a gentleman, listen to her talk about her day, etc... There is much more pressure on men to know how to meet a woman's needs emotionally than there is on women to know how to meet a man's needs sexually.

 

Look at some of the responses on these types of threads. If the man isn't meeting his wife's emotional needs, then he's in the wrong and needs to change. But if the wife isn't meeting the husband's needs, then he's somehow still in the wrong for not teaching her.

 

Women need to learn how to meet a man's needs. They need to take it upon themselves and be responsible for that part of the relationship and not expect to be led around by the hand. Mz Pixie makes a number of good posts about this in a similar thread from stoopid_guy.

 

when it is the husband not intrested in sex???? what happens when the wf/gf says they would be willing to try what ever and it still does not effect the way he treats you?? I am a woman and let me tell you the desire is thier for it to be down right kinky but he is so focused on the supermodel he wants to be married to then what he has at home. I am not claming to be that but I am not ugly by far and have opps to cheat if I wanted to but I dont cause I love him and only him. bad thing is he does not know the difference between loving someone and the love for the money and what looks perfect. well here is a shot for you I have been married for 15 yrs and together for 18 and it is about to come to an end. SO THE KEY IS TALKING ABOUT IT AND MAYBE GETTING OUTSIDE HELP. DONT ALWAYS WORK BUT IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT THEN REALLY TALK TO SOMEONE. PLAYING THE BLAME GAME ONLY MAKES IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Or "He must be cheating! Load the keylogger!":confused:

 

I don't think I've ever personally advocated loading the keylogger unless there is other suspicious behavior besides not being somewhat interested in sex.

 

What's kinda funny to me are the spouses who are not having sex regularly with their partners that will come on here and scream about porn use.

[stoopid_guy]

I don't think I've ever personally advocated loading the keylogger unless there is other suspicious behavior besides not being somewhat interested in sex.

 

What's kinda funny to me are the spouses who are not having sex regularly with their partners that will come on here and scream about porn use.

I know you haven't, I was being silly as much as anything.

 

Totally agree on the porn, and if that's the biggest complaint someone has, I'd say they're doing pretty good.

[JamesM]

Are you retarded? I am serious!

 

Tell her...... tell her point F-ing blank. nicely...... but to the point... and if there is no change well guess what, she does not give a rats ass.

 

Oh but I forgot it doesn't count unless she is motivated on her own to want to have sex with you.... obviously she does not get into sex with you anymore so hoping and wishing she will turn into a porn star for you, hoping she knows how much pain you feel and she is a mind reader and should porny up for you naturally is the only way you will allow it?

 

Then you have a choice...... continue this way or leave...... maybe if you discussed that you may actually leave it may open her friggin eyes.

 

If you are not getting the reaction you want it is up to you to change the stimulus until you do.

 

Did you ever think that maybe she only is with you because of the marriage itself? She doesn't want to touch you? Sorry but it happens, people change and unless you really maintain a M, IMHO it will happen.

 

And YOUR quote as a response...

Bitter bitter man just looking for an opp to take a jab to feel validated and thwart responsibility from your own failed R or M?

 

Could this be your reactionary answer as well? I know, I know...I am a whining man who needs to cowboy up and solve my own problems. But I must say that like you I need to post many threads about the troubles in my relationship in hopes that someone here has a solution. And like you, I will probably be back at a later date.

 

Now, to respond matter of factly...

 

As you know, when you tell your partner, "I need you to bring me nice things" or "I need more sex," the result can be bittersweet. The fact that he or she had to be told DOES take some of the fun out of it. She doesn't have to read my mind.

 

On April 3, at about 2 AM, I told her exactly what I felt was missing. And yes, I told her that if she no longer wanted sex and was going to decide that for me, she should not be angry if I felt angry and someday found it elsewhere. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. Neither did she. The next day when I saw her at lunch/dinner, she told me to be patient and thus began a major change. To this day, I don't know if it was the talk or the fact that two days earlier she had begun taking a new drug that really has (and still has) made her feel better. This increase in the enjoyment of sex continued until August. Since August, our sex life has diminished again. Also though for the past two months, her work schedule has increased. Her job at the hospital is twelve hour shifts two to four times a week. One week it was five twelve hour shifts. These shifts are the night shift, so she sleeps in the daytime. We have an hour or two...maybe...to see each other when she is working. As I said before, I believe this has a large part to play in the lack of sexual intimacy. When she is home, her sleep schedule is off, so I go to bed alone while she stays up until three or four AM. However, in the past, she would wake me for some sex. For me to now give her "the talk" WOULD be selfish. My original question was "Would stepping back from physical attention increase her passion/desire for sex if I was not pressuring her?" I think the answer here is no.

 

Do I want a porn star? No, I want my wife. Am I asking for blowjobs? NO, as much as I enjoy them, they lead to only me being satisfied and her getting no pleasure. AM I asking for sex three times a week? No, just once is fine. Do I want her to feel turned on more? Yes. Do I think I am not at fault? NO, it is definitely possible...and probable. I can easily see numerous things that can be improved.

 

Is she in the marriage for the kids and lost her love for me? In response, I think she has lost the "connection" with me because she sees so little of me, but when we begin to spend more time together, she may...hopefully regain that "loving feeling." . We do not have time to have dates...not that we have many. But we also are not home together much when she is feeling rested. For example, she has worked the past three nights. Tomorrow she will be tired. Finally on Friday she will be rested. SO I can expect that no possibility of any meaningful interaction will take place before then. Therefore, another weekend will pass.

 

Now, a4a, you finally reached what I want to do. Even despite her work schedule and mine...a day shift...there must be some stimulus that I can use to increase her feeling of connection during our times together therefore increasing our intimacy. For her, connection means conversation. For me, connection means sexual intimacy. THAT is our area where we lack the ability to really meet. I can easily sit down and listen and talk, but she doesn't find it as easy to lay down and ...fill in the blank. Telling her point blank that I need sex is like her telling me to sit down and listen to her talk. Neither of us would feel like we are making a meaningful connection. In either scenario, we both would feel that our spouse is doing the listening or the sex simply because we have been "forced" to do so, not because we want to do so.

 

That is why I once again bring my troubles to this support group. This group of people has been very helpful over the past ten months or so in either giving me ideas or giving me actual solutions. I appreciate this and now need this...again.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I have a question. (Yes, more than one...but only one for now).

 

....She hasn't shown interest...what will change? Maybe she will be happy that I am not chasing her.

 

And if implementing this new strategy, how far does one go? Does that mean I should lay off the hugs and kisses, too? Won't she think I no longer "love" her? Maybe she will think I am cheating...no, I am not.

 

I have begun stopping the extra hugs and kisses. I do not (at least try not to) touch her as much. (Funny thing is..I AM losing interest.) I am laying off the looks and comments that I frequently make...ie. you look sexy, or a touch on the breast, etc). Should I or...in other words, could someone tell me how to proceed?

 

Why would you love her if she isn't willing to give you what you need (and what she promised when you got married)???

 

If she doesn't change then eventually you won't love her but hate her. And who's fault will that be? (hint: yours...)

 

The problem, it seems to me, is you aren't communicating properly with your wife. You are too worried that she won't love you. So you don't tell her, in the right way, what you need. You don't let your anger and hurt out. Do you? When you are pussy whipped like that you can't expect her to actually love you can you?

 

Do you think women like guys that don't have any balls? Are you man or not? Can you seduce a woman or not? Geez man... If your wife wasn't your wife and you wanted to win her what would you do? What would be your approach.

 

It is your marriage, your relationship, your family. Either fight for it or crawl into a corner and die. Choose what you want to do...

[JamesM]

Why would you love her if she isn't willing to give you what you need (and what she promised when you got married)???

 

Because what she DOES gives is better than anyone else gives. What she isn't giving...that she has...no one else can give.

 

If she doesn't change then eventually you won't love her but hate her. And who's fault will that be? (hint: yours...)

 

Hate her? Been there. For eight years, I almost did. I resented her for not giving me sex, but that has changed. Like I have said, we have a two month drought. Since I know that things can change, I am looking for ways to change them. Back then, I had very little hope. Now I know that my solution may be just around the corner...or right in front of me.

 

The problem, it seems to me, is you aren't communicating properly with your wife. You are too worried that she won't love you. So you don't tell her, in the right way, what you need. You don't let your anger and hurt out. Do you? When you are pussy whipped like that you can't expect her to actually love you can you?

 

No, I know she loves me. Communication is lacking. Me pussy whipped? Okay, I will bite. But no, that is not the problem. I suppose if I wasn't pussy whipped, I would have as much sex as I wanted...kind of like a James Bond.

 

Do you think women like guys that don't have any balls?

 

I got balls. The problem is that they aren't getting what they want.

 

If your wife wasn't your wife and you wanted to win her what would you do? What would be your approach.

 

If my wife wasn't my wife, and I wasn't in love with her, then I wouldn't try to win her based on her lack of interest in sex. Assuming that I was in love, my approach would be different because we would not have children and many other things that prevent our "dating." So, assuming that I should follow this route...I agree, I need to date her more. That is one thing I have thought of...just haven't been able to implement...time constraints from her and my job.

 

Either fight for it or crawl into a corner and die

 

(sigh) I no longer think I need to fight for my marriage. I am fighting to increase sexual passion. But..where is the corner?

[Ripples]

Um, it seems pretty obvious to me that her work schedule is the main problem. Would it be possible to talk to her about cutting back?

[a4a]

And YOUR quote as a response...

 

 

Could this be your reactionary answer as well?

 

I actually was addressing Scrivdog not you with that quote.

 

As you know, when you tell your partner, "I need you to bring me nice things" or "I need more sex," the result can be bittersweet. The fact that he or she had to be told DOES take some of the fun out of it. She doesn't have to read my mind.

 

OMG....... get over it...... take the fun out of it? Should not have to ask huh?

This is BS. This is your fault and problem to get over. I should not have to ask if she/he really loved me they would just do it. BS. In romance novels and on TV it works that way but in RL it does not.

 

On April 3, at about 2 AM, I told her exactly what I felt was missing. And yes, I told her that if she no longer wanted sex and was going to decide that for me, she should not be angry if I felt angry and someday found it elsewhere. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. Neither did she. The next day when I saw her at lunch/dinner, she told me to be patient and thus began a major change. To this day, I don't know if it was the talk or the fact that two days earlier she had begun taking a new drug that really has (and still has) made her feel better.

 

Why don't you know? Why can't you discuss it and ask her? OMG are you embarassed or what do you fear by discussing this with her? This again points to a communication problem....... For cripes sake if you want something you need to communicate it, wave a gun or ask for it...... but at least some form of communication. Even robbers know they have to communicate what they want..... " give me your wallet"

 

 

 

 

 

This increase in the enjoyment of sex continued until August. Since August, our sex life has diminished again. Also though for the past two months, her work schedule has increased. Her job at the hospital is twelve hour shifts two to four times a week. One week it was five twelve hour shifts. These shifts are the night shift, so she sleeps in the daytime. We have an hour or two...maybe...to see each other when she is working. As I said before, I believe this has a large part to play in the lack of sexual intimacy. When she is home, her sleep schedule is off, so I go to bed alone while she stays up until three or four AM. However, in the past, she would wake me for some sex. For me to now give her "the talk" WOULD be selfish.

 

 

 

 

IMHO that work schedule is not that bad. I don't see where she is working 7 days a week...... I think that 15-40 minutes for sex is not all that demanding

even with a schedule like this.

Again you have not said a word to her about this...... her schedule and sex going down the tubes again........ this again is lack of communication.

 

 

 

 

My original question was "Would stepping back from physical attention increase her passion/desire for sex if I was not pressuring her?" I think the answer here is no.

 

My guess is the less you ask for it or you engage with sex with your W the less interest she will have. You are in the role of the initiater.

 

Do I want a porn star? No, I want my wife. Am I asking for blowjobs? NO, as much as I enjoy them, they lead to only me being satisfied and her getting no pleasure. AM I asking for sex three times a week? No, just once is fine. Do I want her to feel turned on more? Yes. Do I think I am not at fault? NO, it is definitely possible...and probable. I can easily see numerous things that can be improved.

 

No at this point you are not communicating or even asking for it once a month.

 

Is she in the marriage for the kids and lost her love for me? In response, I think she has lost the "connection" with me because she sees so little of me, but when we begin to spend more time together, she may...hopefully regain that "loving feeling." . We do not have time to have dates...not that we have many. But we also are not home together much when she is feeling rested. For example, she has worked the past three nights. Tomorrow she will be tired. Finally on Friday she will be rested. SO I can expect that no possibility of any meaningful interaction will take place before then. Therefore, another weekend will pass.

 

Again why have you not directly discussed this with her? Do you need examples of how to bring this up and word your request? Happy to help you out...... but it is up to you to attain what you want!!!

 

Now, a4a, you finally reached what I want to do. Even despite her work schedule and mine...a day shift...there must be some stimulus that I can use to increase her feeling of connection during our times together therefore increasing our intimacy. For her, connection means conversation. For me, connection means sexual intimacy. THAT is our area where we lack the ability to really meet. I can easily sit down and listen and talk, but

she doesn't find it as easy to lay down and ...fill in the blank. Telling her point blank that I need sex is like her telling me to sit down and listen to her talk.

 

WTF is wrong with a W saying .......Honey I really want to spend some time with you and just talk...... or you saying: Sweetheart, I miss you so much we need to spend some romatic time together and I want to make love to you.

 

WTF is wrong with that? JFC! I think you would be one of those students I have that mount the horse and just sit there...... I ask: why aren't you moving around the ring........ you say: the horse is not moving........ I say: well then kick it dumbass! The horse just moves on it's own? Hell no you need to ask him to.

 

 

Neither of us would feel like we are making a meaningful connection. In either scenario, we both would feel that our spouse is doing the listening or the sex simply because we have been "forced" to do so, not because we want to do so.

 

Not true this is a communication technique problem.... you have not made it clear that the action of sex fulfills your "love needs"...... you need to share some of what you say here with your W. Fine example is my H is into cuddling, I don't like it....... I love sex, but cuddling is not my cup of tea, he made this clear to me he likes it, so I actually am enjoying holding him because it makes him feel good!..... but who knew that it was so important to him until I beat it out of him by asking him what he needs from me to really feel good.

 

That is why I once again bring my troubles to this support group. This group of people has been very helpful over the past ten months or so in either giving me ideas or giving me actual solutions. I appreciate this and now need this...again.

 

Well if you want a solution I have one for you, you need help in writing a letter to your wife that requests these things from her in a non confrontational manner and without blame. You need to learn to communicate your desires and needs in a positive manner.....

 

You kinda had me fooled, thus the advice to pull out the big guns and tell her to get with the Marriage Program or get out..... But you have not even asked her or told her exactly what you NEED. You may have months ago, but you need to remind her how important it is to you.......she may have thought you were just briefly in need because when you do go without sex you don't say a word.

 

I mean come on, if you go to a restaurant do you expect the waiter to figure out what you want off the menu, or do you tell them nicely? (getting crappy with your request and expect a spit wad in your food peeps)

 

You remind me of the W's that want their H's to be mind readers and fulfill needs "naturally"..... but when people have different needs natural is not reality. Fantasy..... forever she will want sex with me because we discussed it 2 months ago......

 

And James if you PM me I will give you some ideas in the spice it up dept.

 

I totally understand the need to vent, I do that here because I do not need to put those angry and hurt feelings into communication with my H. Easier to let steam off here, think, then take action without the anger or hurt attached to the communication.

 

IMHO you are being a big pussy because of fear that you may not succeed, you are also resentful, and you are make a hell of a lot of excuses for her so you do not have to address the issue..... So yeah man up, deal with the problem or shut up and keep pullin' your own pud for the rest of your able to be erect life.

 

Omg it is way too early for this..... need more coffee.

[lindya]

I have to admit that when it's a woman who's libido has diminished and the husband is frustrated the majority of the women seem to analyze the husband's behavior, and advocate counseling, understanding and patience.

 

When the man's libido takes a nose-dive somewhere in the marriage all the girls start screaming divorce that impotent loser.

 

Do we?

 

That said, I agree that a lot of advice on LS does tend to be very gender-biased. It's an open forum; the majority of people contributing advice and opinions aren't going to be trained counsellors, and people will often want to use threads to vent their own personal stuff rather than focus on what would actually be best for both the thread-starter and their partner.

 

So you get posts that advocate a critical, blaming approach that, logic dictates, would only worsen the situation were it put into practice - but that maybe makes the person posting the advice feel that temporary relief that angry venting brings. Sometimes that might be all a thread-starter is looking for - ie the chance to have a bit of a venting session. Or they might genuinely be looking for some answers, in which case other people's issues and anger just muddy the waters.

 

I have read and heard that if your wife/husband is not interested in sex, then sometimes it works to pull back as far as giving any sort of pursuit towards sex. Then he or she will begin to wonder what is up and start chasing you. Is that true?

 

I think most of us get periods where we want a bit of alone time. If someone keeps ignoring our desire for space, and constantly demands our attention, fulfilling those needs can begin like more of an obligation than a pleasure.

 

Sexual desire, the desire for affection, validation - these can often clash with another person's desire for a bit of space, privacy and peace. I don't see walking away from someone who is in the mood for peace and quiet as being an elaborate game so much as a response to the needs they're expressing at that time.

 

Problems set in when, over a fair period of time, one partner has put a lot of effort into meeting the other person's needs (whether for space or for attention) - and that effort just isn't being returned. So A gives B lots and lots of space, but still finds he/she still isn't getting any affection/sex...or B gives A lots of attection, but develops the impression that A is a bottomless pit of neediness whose needs and demands seem to grow in direct proportion to the amount of attention he/she receives.

 

That's when the resentment starts to grow, and you have to consider whether the imbalance can be addressed through talking/counselling...or whether there's a fundamental lack of compatibility.

[a4a]

That's when the resentment starts to grow, and you have to consider whether the imbalance can be addressed through talking/counselling...or whether there's a fundamental lack of compatibility.

 

Or writing your needs on a post it note and vigorously attaching it to your spouse (to their head) with a fork.

 

Some people just don't get what you are saying to them until you whack the hell out of them with a 2x4 (add nails to board for quicker results).

 

I think people can learn to be more compatible. Expecting natural compatibility in 100% of a R is not going to happen. Basics like religion, desire to have kids, drinking, smoking, or the basic dealbreakers cannot be changed or should not....... but daily living and teaching a spouse what your needs and desires are is more of just a communication issue as long as both people involved are WILLING PARTICIPANTS.

 

I think so many people just have this "my partner should know" attitude that it dooms the prospect of them every really feeling satisfied, expecting a partner to be psychic is not realistic, and at times you have to use a post it note and a fork .....or some form of communication they can actually grasp the concept of.

 

I also believe as R's evolve one must be willing to evolve with them and attempt to meet their partners evolving needs. (within reason- within non dealbreaker parameters)

 

Individuals may vary, and some assembly may be required, contents may settle after long periods of time and require stirring and shaking.

[burning 4 revenge]

Yeah, but if your libido is flagging for physical reasons, whether you're a guy, or a girl, you're not going to enjoy sex.

 

I don't enjoy sex anymore, so I know what this is like first hand. I never thought I'd see this day, it seemed like something that happened to other people, but here it is.

 

And if your partner isn't enjoying it can you enjoy it? For women it's almost a given that they cannot, but I think men also want a partner that is into it and if they're not into it then they're not into it.

 

Where is the room for negotiation there?

[a4a]

Yeah, but if your libido is flagging for physical reasons, whether you're a guy, or a girl, you're not going to enjoy sex.

 

I don't enjoy sex anymore, so I know what this is like first hand. I never thought I'd see this day, it seemed like something that happened to other people, but here it is.

 

And if your partner isn't enjoying it can you enjoy it? For women it's almost a given that they cannot, but I think men also want a partner that is into it and if they're not into it then they're not into it.

 

Where is the room for negotiation there?

 

of course there is room for negotiation. Honestly I could go the rest of my life without giving the H a BJ...... I do so simply because it makes him happy. Knowing it makes him happy is enough motivation for me to give him a BJ. I don't particularly care to do his laundry either, or cook...... but it is part of giving even if just small and meaningless.

 

Key is willing participants......both parties want to improve their relationship regardless of whatever the needs are. "I want us to have a great marriage and I am willing to do what it takes"...... both people must agree to this as the main motivation to keep things moving along.

 

Also I think repeated behaviors become habitual. Much like typing at this moment. You get used to it and it becomes more "natural".... but learning and doing it/typing/ fulfilling your partners needs the first couple of times takes work......thought....... effort. Concious effort. Yet people are not willing to allow this to happen....... afterall everyone should be a natural born typist.