Stepping Back from Sex

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... She needs to spend time to feel connected...in order to feel "in love." Despite what Flyinthe clouds might think, I did not "step up and be a man"...no, rather I communicated my feelings. I think women do this, too.

 

James old buddy, stepping up and being a man means doing what you did - explaining what you wanted, communicating your "feelings", thoughts, needs - whatever, instead of being afraid to tell her what you honestly feel because you might offend her. Being a man doesn't mean being a Neanderthal. It means taking charge of your relationship with your wife for the sake of both of you. Women tend to like a leader. So lead. Or does your wife lead when you dance?

I really do believe that we each have a responsibility in our relationships to ask for what we need.

Ladyjane... it's more than that. We have to not just ask, but communicate until the other understands why we want what we want. Our SO needs to understand why our needs are what they are. A wife needs to understand that her man's desire for sex isn't just about satisfing himself but is an important part of how he feels loved and appreciated, indeed needed, by his wife.

 

I can see what she meant...connecting to her means sharing, communicating, etc. When we don't do that, she loses that loving feeling. When she feels connected, she hugs and kisses. She looks at me with that certain expression and longing. It has been time well spent. A lesson was learned...again.

duh... Try to think of her not as your wife, but as a mistress you'd like to have. Someone you have to chase and have to seduce in order to get into her pants. A woman that isn't obligated to have sex with you ... if you treat her that way - she might be a little more receptive to you. Arrange a romantic get away weekend. A place you can walk together in some beautiful place that is out of the ordinary. A mountain cabin... a retreat for the two of you - adults. And pack a bottle of champagne.

 

Two months of almost celibacy have passed. We have once again connected. And yes, I know, just as the bad times pass, so do the good. Work is needed at all times to ensure that they return quickly.

It wouldn't be fun if it didn't take work.

 

She "invited" me out to lunch earlier this week, and we both decided that this should happen more often...once a week. Since she has initiated much of this, it is encouraging.

See... now it's up to you pick nice place to go too. But if it becomes a routine, a must do, instead of spontaneous it's going to eventualy lose it's utility. Mix it up.

 

Along the lines of what I and some others were saying about how women don't automatically understand that men in committed relationships need sex in order to feel love and intimacy...

 

...is it news to you that women need to feel emotionally connected in order to want sex? And is it surprising that connected requires time spent together on non-sexual communication and activities?

That's something that isn't easily learned. It took a lot of very long talks for my wife and I to discover that about each other.

 

For her, most of her life isn't even in the house...let alone with me.

Geez James, sounds a lot like my wife and me. I'm home more than she is too.

 

then you can understand how she might also need to be reminded that for you sex = emotional intimacy and love, and you need sex to feel connected to her. So telling her once back in April might not necessarily be enough. Keep talking to her.

Bingo... And it's not "Honey I need some now..." but "Honey, when we make love I feel you really care about me. I feel like Mr. Lucky.... "

 

 

I should remind her more often that we haven't had sex,

NO.... you haven't made love... it's making LOVE, not having sex. Don't be a duffus. If all you want is sex go hire a whore. But I'm pretty sure what you want is to make love to the woman you love and have her respond like she really wants you to be her man.

 

two things I am "afraid" of...one, a lack of interest on her part if she feels that she "has" to do it, and two, the possibility of rejection.

James!!! That's what I mean about being a man... if you let fear of rejection dominate you, you would never have gotten a date would you? What kind of man would sweep your wife off her feet? Be that man. Or is your wife simply not interested in any man? No man wants a women if she's just doing because she "has to". But lordy, can't you seduce her? That's what I mean by taking the lead, being the man. Remember she's your mistress not your wife and you are having an affair with her.

 

I've heard that women like men that are "confident". They're turned on by that. And while I've never figured out exactly what "confidence" is I'm pretty sure "being afraid of rejection" isn't part of it. You are going to get rejected sometimes. Does that mean you shouldn't go to bat because you strike out sometimes? Come on ...

 

If there is a drought again maybe try this (you'll have to judge if it would work with your wife or just piss her off...).

 

"Honey, we need to have a serious talk. We've drifted apart again, and I'm feeling I really need to have an affair. I've found a woman that I really want to have and I've got a picture of her. I want you to look at her and tell me what you think... ... Of course the picture is of her, the most flattering one you've got. And as she looks at it, you say I think I can really make that woman happy and I think she can make me happy. What do you think honey? Do you think she's my type? Do you think she'd be good for me? Do you think I could have an affair with her? I mean she's so hot and spend all day thinking about her. Honey? "

 

Think that would work? The point is to convince her you want her as your lover, mistress and not just has a hausefrau.

 

Doesn't your wife deserve to have a lover? To be treated as a woman, loved, chersihed, desired, as a woman worth chasing? Do you want to be her lover? Then be the man... that sweeps her off her feet. Confidence.

 

Instead of a weekly, scheduled lunch, how about if one day, for no reason at all, you put a dozen flowers on her desk at work. I did that for my wife. It wasn't her birthday or valentines day or any day... just some random day. I had to arrange with her secretary to get into the building without my wife knowing. I left her a card "From your secret admirer". Of course the white roses kind of gave it away. In fact it's about time I did that again. For no reason other than to say "Honey I love you. Thanks for being my lover, my friend and my wife."

 

James you need to be the man that seduces your wife, cause if you aren't maybe some other man will.

[Mz. Pixie]

duh... Try to think of her not as your wife, but as a mistress you'd like to have. Someone you have to chase and have to seduce in order to get into her pants. A woman that isn't obligated to have sex with you ... if you treat her that way - she might be a little more receptive to you. Arrange a romantic get away weekend. A place you can walk together in some beautiful place that is out of the ordinary. A mountain cabin... a retreat for the two of you - adults. And pack a bottle of champagne.

 

BINGO!!!! FIC I think you're growing on me!

 

 

"Honey, we need to have a serious talk. We've drifted apart again, and I'm feeling I really need to have an affair. I've found a woman that I really want to have and I've got a picture of her. I want you to look at her and tell me what you think... ... Of course the picture is of her, the most flattering one you've got. And as she looks at it, you say I think I can really make that woman happy and I think she can make me happy. What do you think honey? Do you think she's my type? Do you think she'd be good for me? Do you think I could have an affair with her? I mean she's so hot and spend all day thinking about her. Honey? "

 

Think that would work? The point is to convince her you want her as your lover, mistress and not just has a hausefrau.

 

Doesn't your wife deserve to have a lover? To be treated as a woman, loved, chersihed, desired, as a woman worth chasing? Do you want to be her lover? Then be the man... that sweeps her off her feet. Confidence.

 

Oh heck yeah!!! Here ya go James- this is the way to do it. If it doesn't work I'd be shocked off my feet. The thing is- you have to keep it up. You just can't do it and then give up if at first she isn't receptive. It's going to take practice!

 

 

James you need to be the man that seduces your wife, cause if you aren't maybe some other man will.

 

Harsh, but true. Good post FIC.

[marriedwithtwo]

James old buddy, stepping up and being a man means doing what you did - explaining what you wanted, communicating your "feelings", thoughts, needs - whatever, instead of being afraid to tell her what you honestly feel because you might offend her. Being a man doesn't mean being a Neanderthal. It means taking charge of your relationship with your wife for the sake of both of you. Women tend to like a leader. So lead. Or does your wife lead when you dance?

Ladyjane... it's more than that. We have to not just ask, but communicate until the other understands why we want what we want. Our SO needs to understand why our needs are what they are. A wife needs to understand that her man's desire for sex isn't just about satisfing himself but is an important part of how he feels loved and appreciated, indeed needed, by his wife.

 

duh... Try to think of her not as your wife, but as a mistress you'd like to have. Someone you have to chase and have to seduce in order to get into her pants. A woman that isn't obligated to have sex with you ... if you treat her that way - she might be a little more receptive to you. Arrange a romantic get away weekend. A place you can walk together in some beautiful place that is out of the ordinary. A mountain cabin... a retreat for the two of you - adults. And pack a bottle of champagne.

 

It wouldn't be fun if it didn't take work.

 

See... now it's up to you pick nice place to go too. But if it becomes a routine, a must do, instead of spontaneous it's going to eventualy lose it's utility. Mix it up.

 

That's something that isn't easily learned. It took a lot of very long talks for my wife and I to discover that about each other.

 

Geez James, sounds a lot like my wife and me. I'm home more than she is too.

 

Bingo... And it's not "Honey I need some now..." but "Honey, when we make love I feel you really care about me. I feel like Mr. Lucky.... "

 

 

NO.... you haven't made love... it's making LOVE, not having sex. Don't be a duffus. If all you want is sex go hire a whore. But I'm pretty sure what you want is to make love to the woman you love and have her respond like she really wants you to be her man.

 

James!!! That's what I mean about being a man... if you let fear of rejection dominate you, you would never have gotten a date would you? What kind of man would sweep your wife off her feet? Be that man. Or is your wife simply not interested in any man? No man wants a women if she's just doing because she "has to". But lordy, can't you seduce her? That's what I mean by taking the lead, being the man. Remember she's your mistress not your wife and you are having an affair with her.

 

I've heard that women like men that are "confident". They're turned on by that. And while I've never figured out exactly what "confidence" is I'm pretty sure "being afraid of rejection" isn't part of it. You are going to get rejected sometimes. Does that mean you shouldn't go to bat because you strike out sometimes? Come on ...

 

If there is a drought again maybe try this (you'll have to judge if it would work with your wife or just piss her off...).

 

"Honey, we need to have a serious talk. We've drifted apart again, and I'm feeling I really need to have an affair. I've found a woman that I really want to have and I've got a picture of her. I want you to look at her and tell me what you think... ... Of course the picture is of her, the most flattering one you've got. And as she looks at it, you say I think I can really make that woman happy and I think she can make me happy. What do you think honey? Do you think she's my type? Do you think she'd be good for me? Do you think I could have an affair with her? I mean she's so hot and spend all day thinking about her. Honey? "

 

Think that would work? The point is to convince her you want her as your lover, mistress and not just has a hausefrau.

 

Doesn't your wife deserve to have a lover? To be treated as a woman, loved, chersihed, desired, as a woman worth chasing? Do you want to be her lover? Then be the man... that sweeps her off her feet. Confidence.

 

Instead of a weekly, scheduled lunch, how about if one day, for no reason at all, you put a dozen flowers on her desk at work. I did that for my wife. It wasn't her birthday or valentines day or any day... just some random day. I had to arrange with her secretary to get into the building without my wife knowing. I left her a card "From your secret admirer". Of course the white roses kind of gave it away. In fact it's about time I did that again. For no reason other than to say "Honey I love you. Thanks for being my lover, my friend and my wife."

 

James you need to be the man that seduces your wife, cause if you aren't maybe some other man will.

 

 

Flyin in clouds, you need to write a book or start a relationship help website. Good advice, realistic, and to the point, without being too mean. Keep it coming.

[Flyin in Clouds]

BINGO!!!! FIC I think you're growing on me!

 

If I am my wife won't like it...

 

The same thing applies to women. Don't think of your man as your husband, but as a man you want to seduce into loving you. Now that's not easy when two people are married. It is why I told my wife I think marriage or even "committed" relationships tend to ruin a relationship because the partners start taking each other for granted. We got married anyway. And that "taking for granted thing" did cause problems. It's not easy to keep from falling into that trap. We all tend to get lazy in the relationship department.

 

Oh heck yeah!!! Here ya go James- this is the way to do it. If it doesn't work I'd be shocked off my feet. The thing is- you have to keep it up. You just can't do it and then give up if at first she isn't receptive. It's going to take practice!

Well I did say roughly that to my wife when we had our "drought". Told her I wanted an affair. She got mad and said "well go get a woman and have an affair". I said, "OK", got up, grabbed her and kissed her hard and said, "you are the woman I want the affair with. I want you for my lover." I never broke eye contact with her. We just held each other, she silent for the longest time. That finally broke down the wall that had grown between us. She finally began to understand I wasn't just asking for sex and wanting to use her. I wanted a lover in my life and the woman I wanted most for that role was her. See woman want to know they are wanted. Being wanted is what counts. That we choose them over all the other women around us. If your wife feels wanted, not needed, but wanted that will make a big difference. And James that's the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say be the man. It doesn't mean being a brute. Not at all. It means taking the initative when you have to to save your relationship, for your sake and the woman you love and care about's sake. It is the man that pursues, chases, ... You did propose to your wife didn't you? You did pursue the relationship with her to begin with. Just because you are married do you think you don't have to do that anymore? Do you feel you two are just stuck with each other? Or do you want each other?

 

And your wife has to understand it's not a one way street where you do all the work. Not at all. She has to do her part to. The thing that bugs me about my wife is I've told her I'd like her to wear sexier lingerie. Black bras and panties and thigh high stockings instead of white granny panties. sigh... she doesn't think she has to. That makes me feel like she just doesn't care to even be bother trying to turn me on. Walking by a lingerie shop in France I pointed out a display in the window and she got totally pissed, saying all I was thinking about was the model in the picture, when I was trying to imagine her in the bra that was on display and how hot I thought she'd look wearing that. Totally killed any interest on my part for that trip. She just doesn't get it that her choice of lingerie is a signal to me that maybe she'd like to light my fire. I would totally shocked if she actually went to Victoria Secret, bought something on her own with out my asking. I'd probably have a heart attack. I wouldn't be thinking about the V.S. models. I'd be thinking, wow she really wants me.

 

And my wife and I had a big discussion of want versus need. I thought telling her I needed her would be a positive thing. It wasn't. Being needed by her is what I wanted. What she wanted was for me to want her. Her way of thinking was if I "needed" her then it wasn't really my choice to be with her. Kind of like a heroin addict needs a fix, it isn't really a choice. OTOH, if I wanted her it was me choosing to be with her rather than I had to be with her and that made her happier. The truth of the matter is not only do I want my wife, I also need my wife. I don't want her because I need her, I need her because I want her. Anyway I'm not sure we ever resolved the issue of need v. want... tends to get circular.

 

One thing that happens with marriage is that we forget it's voluntary. Once the rings are on, it is for better or worse until death... And so we get lazy and think heck no matter what I do or she does, we're stuck with each other. Well that thinking kills it right there. Every day is a new day to decide you'll stay together and be each others lover.

 

Flyin in clouds, you need to write a book or start a relationship help website. Good advice, realistic, and to the point, without being too mean. Keep it coming.

 

Some think I'm entirely too mean... I don't mean to be mean. But being frank is often taken that way.

[Mz. Pixie]

Walking by a lingerie shop in France

 

This would have been enough for me! I probably would have ran into the shop!

 

Dang, I love trips! We went to the most lish spa this summer for our anniversary!

[Flyin in Clouds]

They say clothes make the man. Well sexy clothes make a woman sexy... but all she can think of is that I'm thinking of some other woman rather than her... grrrrrr.... oh well that's still a work in progress. (It was Devone near Geneva. Great little Casino hotel.)

[Horse]

It kind of works for me, but I don't do it on purpose.

 

I usually withdraw when I am angry or upset.

 

If my wife is not affectionate, and repeatedly rejects my affection, then I lose interest. After a month or so, I get tired of being rejected, so I give up and stop trying to be afffectionate (why bother if I am only going to get the cold shoulder again?...).

 

Then when my wife thinks Im mad at her, or maybe she finally misses the affection, then she comes on to me.

 

Actually it's kind of frustrating, because most of the times that we have sex are times when I am cranky and/or just not interested in her. And it makes me think the only reason she is doing it is because she doesn't want me to be mad at her.

 

It kind of takes most of the fun out of it.

 

Then afterwards I feel loved again and I return to my normal affectionate self.