Baltimore3208 Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 About a year ago, I became involved in an e-mail relationship with a woman who is married. We starting chatting back and forth and that is all we expected at first, but then it became clear we had a great deal in common. We are both dissatisfied with our partners, and we talked a great deal about it. Neither of us feels our marriages are reconcilable, and we want to make more of our relationship than it already is. She would eventually like to come and live with me. BUT ...she is extremely unhappy with her marriage, and cannot stand to be around her husband at all. She says he intimidates her. She is now living with a sister in another state, but still married. She keeps asking me what to do. Her husband keeps writing letters telling her he wants to try again (she doesn't); her grown kids are pressuring her to return, and she is very unhappy about making another try at it. Her husband keeps sending flowers, candy, letters, tapes, etc, etc. saying he loves her, and will do "anything" but she tells me she does not want to go to him. She has not yet filed for divorce....and she keeps asking me what she should do. I am starting to feel like I should not be involved by giving her any advice, but she does not have the guts to stand up to him on her own. She has told him many many times it is over and she does not love him, but he persists in trying to get her back. He won't give up no matter what she does or says. And she won't file for divorce..... What should I do at this point? It is really a BIG MESS. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 I think you should cease all contact with her and that each of you should try to come to terms with your respective marriages. You have enough problems on your own without trying to deal with her marital problems too. Get your own house in order first. Either try to reconcile with your wife or divorce her. Tell your friend she should do the same. If neither of you can do that, then you have no business entertaining the idea of a new relationship with someone else or pursuing one. If each of you decide to get divorced and actually follow through with it, then your problem is solved. Please feel free to reply if there is anything about this advice that you do not understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 You bring big problems to yourself by getting involved with a married woman. Isn't it special that the two of you have had an online romance despite the fact that both of you have partners. That speaks a lot. Both of you are emotionally vulnerable and bound to get back into unsatisfactory relationships unless you divorce or get away from your partners and take some time to yourselves. Stop this bantering back and forth in secrecy and break it off with this woman for now. Tell her to contact you again six months after she gets a divorce if she so chooses. Why would you want to get involved with all her crap anyway? Life has enough quick sand without just jumping head first into it. Do yourself a favor. Go to DisneyWorld!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moonbeam Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 i think maybe shes just going through a rough time in her marriage and is looking for comfort from you. she probably still loves the guy and is only hurting herself and you are as well, by continuing this relationship. This can only get messy. I know, ive been there. I went back to the one i was unhappy with (to give him a chance) and i regret not being strong and staying with the new WoNDERFUL guy i had met. i think of him every single day and wish things were different. Trust me hearts will only be broken. About a year ago, I became involved in an e-mail relationship with a woman who is married. We starting chatting back and forth and that is all we expected at first, but then it became clear we had a great deal in common. We are both dissatisfied with our partners, and we talked a great deal about it. Neither of us feels our marriages are reconcilable, and we want to make more of our relationship than it already is. She would eventually like to come and live with me. BUT ...she is extremely unhappy with her marriage, and cannot stand to be around her husband at all. She says he intimidates her. She is now living with a sister in another state, but still married. She keeps asking me what to do. Her husband keeps writing letters telling her he wants to try again (she doesn't); her grown kids are pressuring her to return, and she is very unhappy about making another try at it. Her husband keeps sending flowers, candy, letters, tapes, etc, etc. saying he loves her, and will do "anything" but she tells me she does not want to go to him. She has not yet filed for divorce....and she keeps asking me what she should do. I am starting to feel like I should not be involved by giving her any advice, but she does not have the guts to stand up to him on her own. She has told him many many times it is over and she does not love him, but he persists in trying to get her back. He won't give up no matter what she does or says. And she won't file for divorce..... What should I do at this point? It is really a BIG MESS. Link to post Share on other sites
Baltimore3208 Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 I have wondered what the deal is. She has violent physical reactions (headaches, shakes, upset stomach) whenever she has to be around him. I think she just wants to run away, just to get away. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 28, 2002 Share Posted March 28, 2002 If she really wanted to be rid of this guy, she would divorce him. Don't you find it strange that she's not living with him, yet still won't file for divorce? I do. Saying she can't stand him and wants a divorce is easy. However, until she goes through the motions and does it, I wouldn't trust her with anything. I agree that she probably just wants some comfort and support during this time while she figures out what to do. Have you ever met this woman in person? You say she wants to come and live with you? How do you even know you will get along in "real life"? E-mail is something else entirely. If you are both so unhappy in your marriages, get divorces, meet in person, and take it from there. Until then, you are getting nothing out of this. The whole thing seems like a waste of time to me. Why don't you both try dealing with your real lives instead of your fantasy e-mail relationship? Maybe you'll be happier in general. I think you should cut this "relationship" off, but that's just my opinion. About a year ago, I became involved in an e-mail relationship with a woman who is married. We starting chatting back and forth and that is all we expected at first, but then it became clear we had a great deal in common. We are both dissatisfied with our partners, and we talked a great deal about it. Neither of us feels our marriages are reconcilable, and we want to make more of our relationship than it already is. She would eventually like to come and live with me. BUT ...she is extremely unhappy with her marriage, and cannot stand to be around her husband at all. She says he intimidates her. She is now living with a sister in another state, but still married. She keeps asking me what to do. Her husband keeps writing letters telling her he wants to try again (she doesn't); her grown kids are pressuring her to return, and she is very unhappy about making another try at it. Her husband keeps sending flowers, candy, letters, tapes, etc, etc. saying he loves her, and will do "anything" but she tells me she does not want to go to him. She has not yet filed for divorce....and she keeps asking me what she should do. I am starting to feel like I should not be involved by giving her any advice, but she does not have the guts to stand up to him on her own. She has told him many many times it is over and she does not love him, but he persists in trying to get her back. He won't give up no matter what she does or says. And she won't file for divorce..... What should I do at this point? It is really a BIG MESS. Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted March 29, 2002 Share Posted March 29, 2002 Considering that you both have been email pals for a year, you owe it to yourselves to meet. Take Tonys idea of Disney World and have some fun for a couple of days together. Just a thought! You could meet and entertain each other on that, than afterwards, depending on how you feel after you have meet her, let her know that you would be more comfortable with her when she know what she wants to do. Maybe shes looking for someone to tell her what she should do. Though, you dont quailify as the person to tell her, you should at least let her know that a decision need to be met. Do you think she is looking foward to you living with you? Is she waiting for you to tell to pack and come on? The anticipation of not knowing, and wondering what it would be like with her, only makes things harder for the both of you. Which is why you owe it to yourselves to meet. What are you going to do about your partner? About a year ago, I became involved in an e-mail relationship with a woman who is married. We starting chatting back and forth and that is all we expected at first, but then it became clear we had a great deal in common. We are both dissatisfied with our partners, and we talked a great deal about it. Neither of us feels our marriages are reconcilable, and we want to make more of our relationship than it already is. She would eventually like to come and live with me. BUT ...she is extremely unhappy with her marriage, and cannot stand to be around her husband at all. She says he intimidates her. She is now living with a sister in another state, but still married. She keeps asking me what to do. Her husband keeps writing letters telling her he wants to try again (she doesn't); her grown kids are pressuring her to return, and she is very unhappy about making another try at it. Her husband keeps sending flowers, candy, letters, tapes, etc, etc. saying he loves her, and will do "anything" but she tells me she does not want to go to him. She has not yet filed for divorce....and she keeps asking me what she should do. I am starting to feel like I should not be involved by giving her any advice, but she does not have the guts to stand up to him on her own. She has told him many many times it is over and she does not love him, but he persists in trying to get her back. He won't give up no matter what she does or says. And she won't file for divorce..... What should I do at this point? It is really a BIG MESS. Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 29, 2002 Share Posted March 29, 2002 First of all, this might be an uncommon opinion, but I strongly believe that married people have NO BUSINESS having "email friendships" with members of the opposite sex (that includes the whole 'chat' thing)....especially sharing things about one's marriage (problems). It's dangerous territory. So many people get caught up in the excitement of thinking they've found someone "so much like them" this way, that many decide to break up their marriages and families over this. It's SAD! Neither of you had any dang business carrying on like this. If she has marriage problems, she should either be working them out with her HUSBAND (the man she vowed her life and love to), or filing for a divorce. It's wrong and deceitful of BOTH of you to be carrying on like this, behind your partners' backs. Seems like she's looking for a 'crutch'......what kind of dame is this? Have you 2 even met in person and spent any real time together? Is she out of her mind, to throw away her marriage and want to shack up with someone she met off the Net but doesn't even know in person? That just shows you how desperate and needy and disillusioned she is, and you are too! Yes, she's likely painted her husband as some horrible person. Maybe he is, maybe he ISN'T?! Remember, you're only hearing HER side of things...and her side is very biased and flawed, due to the fact that she's caught up in the excitement of thinking she has a type of relationship with YOU. So what you have things in common. So do lots of people. Also, having a 'relationship' online always brings out the similarities that people have....but what about all the differences?? Of course people only discuss the GOOD things about themselves......what about the bad? The whole thing is bogus. Either she sees you as someone new and exciting and has lost her mind and just wants someone 'new'........or she's one of those people who surfs the net, looking for someone to listen to how horrible her husband is, looking for someone to tell her she's great and he's bad. If you have any decency left in you, you'll end this. You'll tell her that she needs to deal with her stuff and stop living in a dreamland. And if you're currently seeing someone, you need to confess to them how you've been deceiving them behind their back and let them go..to find someone who's honest and true. What business did either of you have in going behind your partners' backs like this? WRONG! L Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 29, 2002 Share Posted March 29, 2002 Considering that you both have been email pals for a year, you owe it to yourselves to meet. Call me old-fashioned by WHY do these two people who are both committed to other people obligated to go behind their partners' backs and meet? SHE is MARRIED (separated is still married) and HE is in a relationship with someone. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would encourage these people to sneak around. It's wrong to their partners. And the dame is on crack to think she'd want to move in with some dude she met online that she hasn't even met in person yet. What a dolt! L Link to post Share on other sites
Baltimore3208 Posted March 29, 2002 Share Posted March 29, 2002 Update....We HAVE met several times....many many times...and spent time together....does this help you? OK....here it comes.....let's hear the fire and brimstone....... Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 30, 2002 Share Posted March 30, 2002 No fire and brimstone here. You sound like you both really deserve each other. She's a cheater, you're a cheater. Hey, move in with each other. Get matching tattoos, even. But don't come crying if she cheats on you down the road....after all, she did it to her hubby of, what, 25 yrs?......It's no wonder kids grew up today so screwed up...with no concept of marriage or fidelity or commitment...it's no wonder that so many young people go on to get married and divorced after a short time....nobody values marriage or fidelity or honesty or integrity any more. Just sneak around behind your partner's back and brush it off. Like I said, you both deserve each other. Update....We HAVE met several times....many many times...and spent time together....does this help you? OK....here it comes.....let's hear the fire and brimstone....... Link to post Share on other sites
Baltimore3208 Posted March 30, 2002 Share Posted March 30, 2002 Judgemental, LauraLynn...? I would say, "...a little bit..." Link to post Share on other sites
JustaGuy Posted March 31, 2002 Share Posted March 31, 2002 The last time I hooked up with a woman JUST out of a relationship, it was great for 6 months then pure hell for 2 years. It doesn't pay to be the rebound guy! And your situation is even more complicated: 1.) You're BOTH rebounders 2.) You're BOTH still married 3.) You haven't MET (chemistry! expectations!) Plus, you can't even be sure she will follow through and get a divorce. She might reconsider--who knows until it all happens. You probably don't want to hear this, but from my own experience, this is likely to be a huge disappointment. If you absolutely have to see where it goes, do as has been suggested previously: tell her you'll be waiting for her after her divorce (if it's within a reasonable time), and give her the space to work it out. Then get on with your life as you see fit. Personally, I hope a more favorable relationship comes your way. But good luck, regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted April 1, 2002 Share Posted April 1, 2002 Sorry toots, it's spelled L A U R Y N N. You came here asking for opinions, I gave you mine. Call me judgmental if you like, it doesn't matter to me. I have read countless posts here by married husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends who found out they were being cheated on..I've read their pain, sense of betrayal, devastation..I've read about the related depression, the broken up families, the many tears and days of numbing shock that follow "finding out." So yeah, so sorry that I'm not giving you a freaking pat on the head for sneaking around on your partner (wife?) with someone else's wife. What did you come here for, a parade in your honor? Judgemental, LauraLynn...? I would say, "...a little bit..." Link to post Share on other sites
Baltimore3208 Posted April 4, 2002 Share Posted April 4, 2002 OK, I have heard enough. I thought some followup would be helpful. I was not expecting so much moral outrage. I am not proud of neither what I have done or what I am doing now. In any event, I told the lady that we cannot continue with this until divorces are final. Link to post Share on other sites
Baltimore3208 Posted April 4, 2002 Share Posted April 4, 2002 I should have wrote, "I am proud of neither what I have done nor what I am doing now..." Anyway, I hope it is not too late to restore some form of normalcy our lives. Life is too short. If she gets divorced, then fine. Otherwise this is waste of time on both our parts. And it has upset people in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
JanieSki Posted December 28, 2002 Share Posted December 28, 2002 I'm sorry but I dont agree with that comment that people can wreck marriage and peoples lifes,Its the married person choice to follow through with things ,you cant make someone have an affair with you,can you........... Link to post Share on other sites
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