Need advice regarding bar scene

[moonbeam]

I am in a very commited relationship (10 years). We plan to marry soon and my question is WHY does he still feel to do the bar/club scene with his friends ( who by the way are also either married, or dating seriously)????? I HATE that to say the least...I am never invited, and it worries me that he still likes to go out on the singles scene because hes not quite ready to settle down...I stopped doing that singles scene a LOng time ago because i know what its all about. is there ever a time when guys grow out of this stupid stage??? And is it right for me to worry? This is causing major friction in our lives lately... Any advice appreciated. PS, yes i HAVE talked to him about this and the only response i get is anger and no understanding whatsoever.

[Tony T]

So you're in a committed relationship, uh? Yeah, right!

 

You're guy is the typical Peter Pan and probably will never grow up. You may be in a committed relationship but he's not. He can drink anywhere, he can be with his buddies anywhere but he has to go to the bars and clubs to view the single honeys who show up at those places.

 

Yes, you can bet that he's not ready for any kind of committment.

 

I can't believe you agreed to marry him until he stopped this nonsense. It is downright disrespectful to you. Of course, he's so immature and ignorant he wouldn't even know that.

 

I think it would be OK for him to join his friends out for drinks now and then but to do it often is way out of line.

 

Don't marry this dude until you either get the situation reigned in...or you find a guy who is more grown up.

 

And don't marry him just because you've been with him for ten years. That's insanity. If he possesses behavioral traits that you can't cope with, either get outside help, find a mediator/counsellor, or cut your losses.

 

You have every right to be concerned about this situation.

[moonbeam]

thanks for your response tony. I just needed to know i wasnt wrong for worrying. My fiance seems to think im completely out of line. glad to know im not the only one who feels the way i do.

So you're in a committed relationship, uh? Yeah, right! You're guy is the typical Peter Pan and probably will never grow up. You may be in a committed relationship but he's not. He can drink anywhere, he can be with his buddies anywhere but he has to go to the bars and clubs to view the single honeys who show up at those places. Yes, you can bet that he's not ready for any kind of committment. I can't believe you agreed to marry him until he stopped this nonsense. It is downright disrespectful to you. Of course, he's so immature and ignorant he wouldn't even know that. I think it would be OK for him to join his friends out for drinks now and then but to do it often is way out of line. Don't marry this dude until you either get the situation reigned in...or you find a guy who is more grown up. And don't marry him just because you've been with him for ten years. That's insanity. If he possesses behavioral traits that you can't cope with, either get outside help, find a mediator/counsellor, or cut your losses. You have every right to be concerned about this situation.

[clia]

How old are you? (If you don't mind me asking.) I don't see why you are worrying. He should be allowed to go out with his friends and do things. So what if he's going to a bar? You aren't invited because he is going with his friends and it's "guys" night. Why don't you go out with your friends and have fun on the nights he does this? Just because you are in a committed relationship and "planning" to marry soon doesn't mean that you have to spend every minute together and go out together every time.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be part of the "singles" scene. He could just like to hang out with his friends in a crowded place and hear some good music. It doesn't mean he's picking up on anyone or cheating on you. (I suspect that's why you are worrying?) You need to be sure to give him his space or he's going to get sick of it and leave. You need to give some serious thought to whether this is something you can put up with. He may never grow out of this "stage." It may ease up and he may not do it as often, but he still may want to hit the bars with his friends from time to time in the future. If you can't deal with it, you should end things.

 

And why have you been together ten years without getting married? That's crazy!

I am in a very commited relationship (10 years). We plan to marry soon and my question is WHY does he still feel to do the bar/club scene with his friends ( who by the way are also either married, or dating seriously)????? I HATE that to say the least...I am never invited, and it worries me that he still likes to go out on the singles scene because hes not quite ready to settle down...I stopped doing that singles scene a LOng time ago because i know what its all about. is there ever a time when guys grow out of this stupid stage??? And is it right for me to worry? This is causing major friction in our lives lately... Any advice appreciated. PS, yes i HAVE talked to him about this and the only response i get is anger and no understanding whatsoever.

[moonbeam]

well clia, im in my late 20's and weve been together for 10 years because we met at a young age and things have been hard for us. HAd to graduate college first...get a decent paying job....need a place to live....bla bla bla......he wasnt even interested in the marriage subject until I got up the nerve to leave him. He fought to have me back and i came back only to find that hes slacking again. Hes been very slow in preparing for our future. this is why i am concerned. i know im crazy for waiting so long for this guy but whats a girl gonna do? i love him.

How old are you? (If you don't mind me asking.) I don't see why you are worrying. He should be allowed to go out with his friends and do things. So what if he's going to a bar? You aren't invited because he is going with his friends and it's "guys" night. Why don't you go out with your friends and have fun on the nights he does this? Just because you are in a committed relationship and "planning" to marry soon doesn't mean that you have to spend every minute together and go out together every time. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be part of the "singles" scene. He could just like to hang out with his friends in a crowded place and hear some good music. It doesn't mean he's picking up on anyone or cheating on you. (I suspect that's why you are worrying?) You need to be sure to give him his space or he's going to get sick of it and leave. You need to give some serious thought to whether this is something you can put up with. He may never grow out of this "stage." It may ease up and he may not do it as often, but he still may want to hit the bars with his friends from time to time in the future. If you can't deal with it, you should end things. And why have you been together ten years without getting married? That's crazy!

[velvet]

He just may not be mature enough, and when do guys grow into men? You've got me! I dont know!

 

I have been in a serious, down to earth r/s before, and I dont think thats the kind of r/s that is typical for our age group. Im 24, and guys in our age range are not even close to being a man.

 

If your b/f were to be a man, he would include you at least half the time he goes out to party. Its only normal! In a down to earth, real, r/s.

 

Dont marry this person until he accepts you as his partner in the house, as well as outside of the house among the other people he enjoys. Ask a g/f of yours to go out with you sometime, and than ask your b/f if you and a friend can join his. If not, than tall gate his butt to the bar.

 

If still he insists that you not go with him, than thats a sign, a big STOP sign. At that point you shouldnt go any further into the r/s. Its not just an opinion, its the truth. Putting up with his crap is just like reading sign while driving down the road. You can either ignore them and get hurt, or read them, look out for them, and make your decision on where to go next.

 

well clia, im in my late 20's and weve been together for 10 years because we met at a young age and things have been hard for us. HAd to graduate college first...get a decent paying job....need a place to live....bla bla bla......he wasnt even interested in the marriage subject until I got up the nerve to leave him. He fought to have me back and i came back only to find that hes slacking again. Hes been very slow in preparing for our future. this is why i am concerned. i know im crazy for waiting so long for this guy but whats a girl gonna do? i love him.

[clia]

You know what, he's never had the "single bar scene" since he's been with you all this time. He's going through the "late twenties middle age crisis." This guy has never been single! At least not when it mattered. Let him be. He will so grow out of it.

 

Listen, he needs to get on the ball with this commitment/marriage stuff and you need to stop letting him slack. He either wants to get married or he doesn't. Late twenties is old enough to know. Ten years is long enough to know! I'd be concerned too about his lack of preparation for the future. I'd be worried that he was afraid to let you go because he had reached his comfort level with you and it's so easy to be with you and you are so great to him and blah, blah, blah. I know you love him, but what do you love about him? Can you quantify it? Can you list fifty reasons why you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Is most of that not based on comfort level stuff? I don't know...I obviously don't know your situation, but his lack of progress in that aspect would really concern me if I were you. Please tell me you have a beautiful engagement ring by now. A wedding date? Etc.? If not, sounds like he's not in any hurry to settle down...I'd be seriously worried. (But of course, I obviously don't know the whole story here!)

well clia, im in my late 20's and weve been together for 10 years because we met at a young age and things have been hard for us. HAd to graduate college first...get a decent paying job....need a place to live....bla bla bla......he wasnt even interested in the marriage subject until I got up the nerve to leave him. He fought to have me back and i came back only to find that hes slacking again. Hes been very slow in preparing for our future. this is why i am concerned. i know im crazy for waiting so long for this guy but whats a girl gonna do? i love him.

[BiG PAPPA PUMP]

I think 10 years is a long time and if you are seriously dating or in a relationship with somebody in your mid to late twenties you are either going to marry that person or you are not, there comes a time when you reach a certain age that you have to stop stringing people along. Eitehr he is going to marry you or he isn't, but let him know that and if he tries to dance around the issue, i know it will be hard, but you should just tell him GOODBYE and good riddance. He's only playing games with you then.

 

I do agree there are many 25 year old men who are immature, but there are also many 35 year old women who are immature as well.

 

But on the other concern, there has to be seperate time. My dad, in his sixties, still goes out once every so often with his friends or brothers. It is not an often all the time occassion, but just like friends, just like family, there is time to be together and there is time to do your own thing. You have to respect and accept that.

 

You might like to do aerobics and if your with a guy who doesn't allow or gets pissed everytime you do it, then your in for a long long argumentive life.

 

People need their space sometimes. Let him go out once in a while, but on that same note, if he gets pissed because you have a night out with the girls, then he's just a plain a**h***.

[moonbeam]

OMG. He promised me hed take me tonite to see panic room, and called last minute to cancel because his friends came around and want him to hang out with him. NICE! My life soooo sux.

I think 10 years is a long time and if you are seriously dating or in a relationship with somebody in your mid to late twenties you are either going to marry that person or you are not, there comes a time when you reach a certain age that you have to stop stringing people along. Eitehr he is going to marry you or he isn't, but let him know that and if he tries to dance around the issue, i know it will be hard, but you should just tell him GOODBYE and good riddance. He's only playing games with you then. I do agree there are many 25 year old men who are immature, but there are also many 35 year old women who are immature as well. But on the other concern, there has to be seperate time. My dad, in his sixties, still goes out once every so often with his friends or brothers. It is not an often all the time occassion, but just like friends, just like family, there is time to be together and there is time to do your own thing. You have to respect and accept that.

 

You might like to do aerobics and if your with a guy who doesn't allow or gets pissed everytime you do it, then your in for a long long argumentive life. People need their space sometimes. Let him go out once in a while, but on that same note, if he gets pissed because you have a night out with the girls, then he's just a plain a**h***.

 

[yes]

That is SO fcking RUDE!!!

 

If i were u, he'd never hear from me again.

 

-yes

OMG. He promised me hed take me tonite to see panic room, and called last minute to cancel because his friends came around and want him to hang out with him. NICE! My life soooo sux.

[JustaGuy]

I'm not going to tell you to dump this guy, since you've got a lot of your heart invested in the relationship.

 

But...I will tell you this: DO NOT get *married* until AFTER you have worked out this (and any other) issues, completely. Things will NOT get better just by having a ring on your finger. In fact, they may get worse, because you'd be "locked in" at that point, and he'd know it.

 

There is a really good relationship advice web site you should check out. It's www.marriagebuilders.com. The advice there will apply to any relationship, married or not. Spend some time reading their material. I think you'll find some great answers there and learn some things that you can apply to your situation.

 

My gut feeling is that your guy just isn't ready for marriage yet, but I suspect deep down, you realize this already.

 

If I were to get married tomorrow, I would accept the fact that it just isn't appropriate for me to do the "bar thing" and not be willing to involve my wife in my activities. It's not just a question of whether or not one can be trusted, it's a question of WHAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR A MARRIED PERSON, period. It's called a "rite of passage," something that you give up when you enter another stage of life. And while a small minority of married people may accept this behavior, it is simply not the norm or advisable for people in most (successful) marriages today.

 

If you want to make sure your marriage will be a stable one, you'll both need to come to terms with this stuff beforehand. It's more than just a "bar" issue...you need to come to terms with how you anticipate you'll both spend your time, and in what ways you'll spend it together and apart.

 

It may be a really good idea to get some professional counseling to iron out things well before you get married.

 

Good luck.

[moonbeam]

justaguy, thats good advice, and ill check out that website. About the counseling thing...ive been feeling so desperate about stuff that ive already asked him numerous times to see a counselor with me but he refuses. I thought it would be the best way to get things out in the open, and work on our problems since hes so bad at being straightforward with me. I just cant seem to convince him to go along with anything that i request. Oh well, ill hang in there for a little longer.

I'm not going to tell you to dump this guy, since you've got a lot of your heart invested in the relationship. But...I will tell you this: DO NOT get *married* until AFTER you have worked out this (and any other) issues, completely. Things will NOT get better just by having a ring on your finger. In fact, they may get worse, because you'd be "locked in" at that point, and he'd know it. There is a really good relationship advice web site you should check out. It's www.marriagebuilders.com. The advice there will apply to any relationship, married or not. Spend some time reading their material. I think you'll find some great answers there and learn some things that you can apply to your situation. My gut feeling is that your guy just isn't ready for marriage yet, but I suspect deep down, you realize this already. If I were to get married tomorrow, I would accept the fact that it just isn't appropriate for me to do the "bar thing" and not be willing to involve my wife in my activities. It's not just a question of whether or not one can be trusted, it's a question of WHAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR A MARRIED PERSON, period. It's called a "rite of passage," something that you give up when you enter another stage of life. And while a small minority of married people may accept this behavior, it is simply not the norm or advisable for people in most (successful) marriages today. If you want to make sure your marriage will be a stable one, you'll both need to come to terms with this stuff beforehand. It's more than just a "bar" issue...you need to come to terms with how you anticipate you'll both spend your time, and in what ways you'll spend it together and apart. It may be a really good idea to get some professional counseling to iron out things well before you get married. Good luck.

[JustaGuy]

Moonbeam-

 

You don't have to wait on him to do the counseling thing. Go by yourself and talk to a counselor. It could help you to cope with the situation and figure out what you need to do. Find a counselor you feel comfortable with. If you talk with someone and it doesn't feel right, find another counselor. This relationship stuff can be pretty heavy, so having someone to talk with can really help.

 

Good luck.

 

justaguy, thats good advice, and ill check out that website. About the counseling thing...ive been feeling so desperate about stuff that ive already asked him numerous times to see a counselor with me but he refuses. I thought it would be the best way to get things out in the open, and work on our problems since hes so bad at being straightforward with me. I just cant seem to convince him to go along with anything that i request. Oh well, ill hang in there for a little longer.

 

[Tim]

Hello everyone. This is Moonbeams fiance. I read your responces to your situation and found them interesting. I just wanted to add, that i go out with my friends about once a month- to spend time with my few best friends. 2 of wich are from Highschool.

 

So i dont go out ALL THE TIME, and not invite moonbeam. We actuall Spend almost every day together- on weekends we usually go out to Diner and the movies- and Friday nights are still our "date night"...(unless its one of the nights once a month or so ill hang out with the guys)

 

I am upseting her because she feels i should be going to to other places with the guys instead of clubs. I love listening to Club music, i dont love to drink, but getting together with my friends and having a few once in awhile and laughing and just spending time is what we do. All my friends have Gf's and one is married.

 

So this is the situation. I just had to reply because some of you were taking it the wrong way- AS IF i went out every week and left my fiance at home-saying im in an immature phase- which is not the case...

justaguy, thats good advice, and ill check out that website. About the counseling thing...ive been feeling so desperate about stuff that ive already asked him numerous times to see a counselor with me but he refuses. I thought it would be the best way to get things out in the open, and work on our problems since hes so bad at being straightforward with me. I just cant seem to convince him to go along with anything that i request. Oh well, ill hang in there for a little longer.

 

[Tim]

Im also curious towards the replies from guys in here like Tony coming across as "the sweet sensitive perfect guys in cyber" and bashing me- lol....Are you saying its wrong if a guy or girl goes out with friends and gets home and calls the fiance whenever they do? Is that abusive? Especially if its once a month if that? Id say YES if it was like once a week- If your in love, and you trust one another, there is nothing wrong with spending time with friends once in a while, its actually healthy for the relationship- I understand where my fiance is coming from as far as feeling lonely and sad on those rare nights i do hang out with my friends from 11 to 3am. Those of you that do have Gf's, how much time do you spend with them? I love spending time with moonshine, we see one another almost everyday...and never get tired of eachother...this is the only "kink" we have right now in the relationship-

Hello everyone. This is Moonbeams fiance. I read your responces to your situation and found them interesting. I just wanted to add, that i go out with my friends about once a month- to spend time with my few best friends. 2 of wich are from Highschool. So i dont go out ALL THE TIME, and not invite moonbeam. We actuall Spend almost every day together- on weekends we usually go out to Diner and the movies- and Friday nights are still our "date night"...(unless its one of the nights once a month or so ill hang out with the guys) I am upseting her because she feels i should be going to to other places with the guys instead of clubs. I love listening to Club music, i dont love to drink, but getting together with my friends and having a few once in awhile and laughing and just spending time is what we do. All my friends have Gf's and one is married. So this is the situation. I just had to reply because some of you were taking it the wrong way- AS IF i went out every week and left my fiance at home-saying im in an immature phase- which is not the case...

[phyco750R]

you people who bash the "fiance" must be a bunch of low self estemm ..no self confidence types......if your "other half" cant deal with you having time for your friends then she has issues...and for the bashers....your all just trying to say what she wants to hear to make yourselves look better....so my advise.

 

GET A GRIP!! its one day a month...sounds to me like moonbeam has trust issues..which can only mean one thing...she cant trust herself, or she has done something bad to the "fiance" in the past...now she is going to torture him...bulls***..your a selfish, manipulating person moonbeam.I'v dated ...key word "DATED" girls like you....all i can say is..i feel sorry for the person that will marry you..hopefully you "otherhalf" will wise up one day...cause your marriage is one destined to be a divorce..just my 2cents.

 

please do your fiance the honor of breaking up with him.

 

cause obviously he cant. he deserves better that this...

 

to think you wanna marry someone..but are willing to throw it away over once a month male bonding...you have issues.

[happilymarried]

Sometimes your significant other NEEDS to go out with friends and stuff. You gonna leave him locked up at home 24/7? I sometimes push my wife to go out with her friends...i NEED my alone time too. Obviously you are insecure and therefor do not trust your significant other enough to even go out with friends. Thats a great way to base a relationship...on insecurity and no trust. You are a peice of work.

[phyco750R]

YEH MOONBEAM YOU SOUND REAL COMMITTED..."This can only get messy. I know, ive been there. I went back to the one i was unhappy with (to give him a chance) and i regret not being strong and staying with the new WoNDERFUL guy i had met. i think of him every single day and wish things were different" AS POSTED BY MOONBEAM

 

NOW I SEE WHY U HAVE TRUST ISSUES

 

CHEATER

[darkstar]

she sound like one of those girls that need constant attention, and cry if they dont get it..I mean come on ..once a month.do you have any friends moonbeam..apparently not..otherwise you would understand the need to have some time to yourself and your pal...dotn get me wrong I know you want to be a part of his social life...but sometimes you need "alone time" give the guy a break! and go make some friends girlfriend! it will make you a les bitter person.

[QtrPndr]

10 Questions you need to ask yourself:

 

1: Do you trust him and has he ever given u a reason not too?

 

2. Does he go OUT ALL THE TIME? (generally speaking, once or twice a month is NOT a lot)

 

3. Do you NOT go out because "you know what the bar scene is all about" or cause you're too uptight to enjoy yourself? Newsflash..not everyone goes out to "hook up"

 

4. Does your attitude prompt a non-invitation or does he already know your going to say "no" to a would-be invite.

 

5. Do you have any friends?

 

6. Ever hear of girls' night out?

 

7 Is double standard one or two words?

 

8. When was the last time you were at a place that played music with friends? (Do not count prom or school chaperoned dances)

 

9. Maybe you could fit him into a bottle and hide him under your bed? Better yet, just suffocate him and get it over with...oh wait, sounds like your doing it already.

 

10. What do they call a female dog?

I am in a very commited relationship (10 years). We plan to marry soon and my question is WHY does he still feel to do the bar/club scene with his friends ( who by the way are also either married, or dating seriously)????? I HATE that to say the least...I am never invited, and it worries me that he still likes to go out on the singles scene because hes not quite ready to settle down...I stopped doing that singles scene a LOng time ago because i know what its all about. is there ever a time when guys grow out of this stupid stage??? And is it right for me to worry? This is causing major friction in our lives lately... Any advice appreciated. PS, yes i HAVE talked to him about this and the only response i get is anger and no understanding whatsoever.

[moonbeam]

nice try guys.....DOY. funny how this is the only topic that sparks your interest.

10 Questions you need to ask yourself: 1: Do you trust him and has he ever given u a reason not too? 2. Does he go OUT ALL THE TIME? (generally speaking, once or twice a month is NOT a lot)

 

3. Do you NOT go out because "you know what the bar scene is all about" or cause you're too uptight to enjoy yourself? Newsflash..not everyone goes out to "hook up" 4. Does your attitude prompt a non-invitation or does he already know your going to say "no" to a would-be invite. 5. Do you have any friends? 6. Ever hear of girls' night out? 7 Is double standard one or two words? 8. When was the last time you were at a place that played music with friends? (Do not count prom or school chaperoned dances) 9. Maybe you could fit him into a bottle and hide him under your bed? Better yet, just suffocate him and get it over with...oh wait, sounds like your doing it already. 10. What do they call a female dog?

[ANthony]

Damn, peeps! take it easy! Those last posts are not very friendy. This site isnt about bashing anyone, you know. Well, just my personal opinion: it sounds like moonbeam is just ready to settle down alot more than her man is. Maybe she just has to face up to this reality and just leave the guy. So what if they've been together so long, why should she settle for someone who is obviously not meeting her needs? Good luck to you guys. Hope yall figure out whats right for you

nice try guys.....DOY. funny how this is the only topic that sparks your interest.

[Poonlover]

Moonbeam states "WHY does he still feel to do the bar/club scene with his friends ( who by the way are also either

 

married, or dating seriously)?????"

 

LOLOL...I must have missed the page in the "once you get married" law book that states you are to never attend a club or bar. MAN...you're brain is totally warped. I'm married and both my wife and I go to bars WITHOUT each other...we have this little thing called "TRUST". She has her girls night out (note: you must have friends to do this) and I have my boys night out. Qrtrpndr summed it all up pretty nicely. Not everyone goes to bars and nightclubs to find a #####...some actually go cuz they like the music and just want somewhere to hang while sipping on some brew...you know..beer...guys like to drink beer. Where do you expect your fiance to hang out with his friends? The Bowling Alley? The Petting Zoo? The Mall? The Arcade? The Fast Food Joint? I could go on, but I digress. These are all kiddie hangouts...we're adults and like to go to "adult establishments".

 

Moonbeam...you need to get back in touch with the "real world"....you cant keep your fiance locked up forever under your rule. HE NEEDS HIS TIME APART FROM YOU WITH HIS FRIENDS!!! NOthing wrong with that..its part of a "normal relationship" Maybe if you just cut him some slack once in a while your relationship might turn out for the better...instead you choke him with your control until he will finally die one day and finally smarten up and dump your ass.

[darkstar]

"nice try guys.....DOY. funny how this is the only topic that sparks your interest."

 

I dont get it? how can a topic as rediculous as yours not peak someones interest. This is a message board isnt it..people post replies, dont they...you have issues lady..now you even think people on the board are out to screw you....point proven by your stupid reply...I feel bad for your fiance if this is the same type of ##### you pull with him.

[phyco750R]

ditto..im not even going to gratify her by responding............weirdo!

"nice try guys.....DOY. funny how this is the only topic that sparks your interest."

 

I dont get it? how can a topic as rediculous as yours not peak someones interest. This is a message board isnt it..people post replies, dont they...you have issues lady..now you even think people on the board are out to screw you....point proven by your stupid reply...I feel bad for your fiance if this is the same type of ##### you pull with him.