FWB? WTF? --long post

[Kristybelle]

I'm so glad I found this forum. I posted about this same situation in a different forum (Cheating) but I really think it is more relevant here.

 

My roommates and I engaged in some mild flirtation with the boys who live directly below us in our apartment complex. One of them is a very attractive, very flirty, very charismatic guy with a bad reputation for promiscuity. Although I had met him a couple of times, I didn't really begin to hang out with him until we met up at the local club. We danced together through several songs and we had great chemistry. Later that night, he came up and we made out for a few hours. We were both drunk and it was just a fun night. I did not have sex with him, but sent him home. I was interested, but I am a virgin and although it's not for moral or religious reasons, I couldn't allow myself to have sex for the first time with a completely random guy.

 

He comes up to see me again the next time he gets drunk with his friends. This is fine with me, because I'm in college and making out with hot drunk boys is kind of what it's all about on party nights. Also, I'm intrigued by our sexual chemistry together and I want to see where things lead. I was hoping to become friends with benefits because I feel as if sexual exploration could be better handled when I'm not in a serious relationship (which I don't plan to be in anytime soon). Everything went along fine for a couple of weeks--he came up 3-4 times a week and tried to have sex with me but he was always respectful when I refused. He stayed over a couple of times and we fooled around, but there was no penetrative sex. Then around the third week, things began to change.

 

He came up one night and we didn't engage in anything sexual. He just wanted to stay over and talk. We talked and cuddled all night and although it was a bit confusing, I chalked it up to him having a bad night. Then he came back a couple nights later and the same thing happened. He opened up to me about his family, his ex, and other problems he had. Everything sexual stopped. Ever since then, our only physicality is cuddling and some light kissing. He's very affectionate and likes to be near me whenever he's with me. He's almost always drinking when he comes up, which originally made me think I had just turned into an emotional booty call instead of a sexual one, but then I spent the night at his place once when he was completely sober, and the same thing went down. I think he may be an alcoholic, but that's neither here nor there.

 

Obviously, after spending 12 hours with him at a time several times a week, I got to know him a little better. I began developing feelings for him, but I tried not to stress about it too much. I'm not looking for a serious relationship and I know that he isn't either.

 

Last Thursday it was his birthday so I cooked his favorite meal and invited him over. We had both been drinking, as Thursday is our college's big party night, and when I saw him talking in the hallway to another girl, I sort of flipped out. It was irrational and probably fueled by alcohol, but it caused us to have a talk about our feelings. He admitted to having feelings for me and wishing that we could have a relationship, but that he wasn't ready for that. He was engaged last year and it ended badly. He's still not completely over it and he said it wouldn't be fair to me. I agreed that we shouldn't be in a relationship but was concerned about who else he might be seeing. He assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone else, but that he couldn't make any promises. I said that I couldn't make any either (I had gone out on a date with someone else earlier that week) and we decided to just let things happen as they may.

 

He went on vacation for the weekend and texted me pictures of his family and his beach house. He came up to see me last night and I ended up telling him that I am a virgin, which he didn't know before. I revealed to him that I had considered having sex with him and that I thought it'd be a good first time for me, but he refused. He seemed disappointed because he was looking forward to seeing where our chemistry went. I agreed, and asked why the fact that I am a virgin would change anything. He talked about how he wanted my first time to be with someone I cared about and that he didn't want to hurt me. I assured him that having sex with him wasn't going to make me want a relationship but he seems to think otherwise. However, he admitted that he didn't have sex with a lot of girls. He has a reputation because he is around a lot of girls and engages in flirtations with them, but he rarely follows through. He said that he had romantic feelings for every girl he'd had sex with and that he did have romantic feelings for me. He also admitted that if he had sex with me, those feelings might intensify.

 

It's very confusing, however, because I don't understand. If he's afraid of the feelings we might have for each other, why would he plan on having sex with me? And why do things change because I'm a virgin? I told him that I do care about him and I feel that since we're not in a serious relationship things might even turn out better for me in the long run. I'm very frustrated and I don't think it's fair. Also, I'm afraid this means he has to find some other girl to have sex with just because I'm a virgin. In general, I'm not sure what's going on with him. I think he's confused about what he wants. I would be fine with us just being friends with benefits, but he is the one that started becoming emotional with me by just staying over to cuddle and be with me instead of engaging in sexual activity. Now I don't know what to do but give him his space and try not to worry. Although I really like him and I wish I could continue seeing him, I am free to pursue other options if need be.

 

Any advice or comments you might have could be immensely helpful. Thank you so much.

[lindya]

In general, I'm not sure what's going on with him. I think he's confused about what he wants. I would be fine with us just being friends with benefits, but he is the one that started becoming emotional with me by just staying over to cuddle and be with me instead of engaging in sexual activity....

 

Any advice or comments you might have could be immensely helpful. Thank you so much.

 

It seems that the guy has an emotional attachment to you, and genuinely cares about your welfare. He knows he hasn't yet got the maturity to manage the committed relationship you'd obviously want (note your jealousy when you saw him speaking to another girl). He probably felt the honourable response to your suggestion that he should take your virginity was to say no. Perhaps he feels you're kidding yourself with this belief that you would be fine just being Friends With Benefits - and he may well be right.

 

The less touchy feely explanation would be that he wants to keep saying no to you until you throw yourself at him. Under which circumstances he could perhaps have guilt-free sex with you on the basis that you'd been given ample warning that it wouldn't lead to a relationship.

 

He sounds a genuinely caring person though (even if he does have some difficulty with keeping his zip up) so I'd hope the former explanation is the more feasible one.