just a part

[Guest]

C,

 

There are times at the beginning, during, and end of a relationship where we often forget that who we are/were with have a past, a present and a future. I have always been someone that never thinks about the past, lives in the moment, and dreams of the future – dreams about important, universal things we all share – a loving, honest, faithful partner. when you are in love, or you loved someone, you will always end up remembering everything – the good and the bad. I am lucky, in a way I can’t even express, to have been your bf for 4 wonderful years – that period was bliss and blind love, and I never expected it.

 

But I have started to learn that a person’s past truly does matter, and this is the first time I have had that awareness thrust upon me. I never asked for it, someone’s past does not belong it me – and it is difficult to digest and understand the actions, morals, attitudes, everything single thing about that person when you were not present in their life back then. All you really see are traces of similarities, like how their expression of love to who is to you basically a stranger, but with words and tone and tenderness that it could easily have been written for you – because it has. And that is why I have always stayed away from the past. Because you want to believe you were special and unique to them, the same way u treat them. I simply do not have the capacity for repeatition – what I give in a relationship isn’t a copyt, isn’t a set of rules or games that I learned to follow as I go thru life.

 

No what comes out from me only does so because of the interaction with that person, at that time, and simply cannot be repeated. That is why I remember all these things like the way they held you in their arms, made you breakfast, accepted you as you are with kindness, looked at you, all the ways you interact as a couple thru the time only you both shared.

 

And I have been taken to not my past but the past of a partner simply because the ending had been so horrible, such a contraction that u actually start thinking in a way that I have before. In every other relationship I have been in, the person I was with was the same, before, during and after – I have never believed that someones past and their future after the relationship would have any reason to impact how you view the time you shared with them. But it does. It comes extremely close to removing it, so, you fight to hold on to what was true - even if it is an illusion. And for the most part, that is honouring them as well.

 

When you see yourself represent by your partner in ways that are so foreign it is a shock to the system, and that is when you must be strong again. And that is reassurance, independance, and allow everyone to proudly stand on their own and u accept them for all of who u are, not just a part. YouI understand that because of their past, the person they become with you, not for you, or because of you, are things that are truly important. Life is a work in progress and the key at any point in a relationship.

 

Like any other relationship, when it ends it leaves scars and you and I both have scars from this and I can only speak for myself, but these scars are gone. And that tells you why things happened, what you have done, and you believe, and what you understand, and where you once were taking things slowly, making sure to leave footprints - the careful move ahead changes from just the sound of an anxious heart beating, to a pace where you no longer fear placing one foot in front the other. I have no desire to request anything from her any more because I no longer have expectations. All we can do is the best we can and let the other be themself and support the growth as a person and hope that in their new adventure they use part of that time for good.

 

Everyone has the ability to change, it's whether we want to change that's the question, and a lot of people don't want to make any changes. And some people will never accept a reaching hand even when it is the best thing to do. The first thing I have changed in myself is my need to be all things to all people all the time. The others things will follow that and I am sure you are making changes as well.

 

I wish you find much peace and happiness.