This Will Be LONG But I Need Some Serious !! Read

[behonest63]

Does it mean anything if you spend the night and make love again??

[dgiirl]

It could mean a whole lot of things. From just needing sex to really wanting to get back together again. Only you and her can answer that question.

 

Are you going to counselling?

[melodymatters]

Well, it could mean just about anything ! Sounds like the best thing would be for you both to take it slow and start " dating" again, as the adults that you are, here today.

 

If she keeps bringing up the fact that there's " no chance" for reconcilliation, than I would tell her you are too old for games and either you are going to begin your relationship anew, or you are going to start the healing process.

 

Gunny, as a 40 yr old woman recently out of a relationship, I found your advice very interesting, well thought out and useful. Thanks !

[behonest63]

We had another great day Friday. She was beautiful, sexy and gave me things I always wanted. She gave me her thong to take home with me and just made me feel sooo good about things.

 

Then last night I wanted to talk to her about our relationship and how things were going. I was easy and calm. But, I had to know since I have been waiting 8 months to know if it would work.

 

She was flaky as gunny would say, she wont give me even 1% hope and says this is all her fault and she wants it. She cant even say the word divorce. She ended up after one hour making me mad not talking just standing her ground and I blew up a little and then after me being calm one hour she then says this is why right here. But I have worked so hard to be good and make it right and she shuts me out and expects me to be happy about it when she wont even say lets work on this over the next year. But, then she gives me this good sex and stuff....She kicked me out of her house and said she was done talking for the night and I said you didnt do no talking and I am done talking FOREVER!!

 

Geez!

[Dad_of_3]

That sounds tough to bear Don.

Mate, I hear you. Its just plain weird and definitely something you cant seem to get your head around right now.

 

From what I have read, it could be a variety of things.

As for the intimacy, alot can come into it. She may be lonely, she may just be looking for something to make her feel good, even sometimes sadly at your expense.

I fell into that trap. I mean before the months leading up to me waking up to myself. We where intimate on a couple of occasions, which when I look back, I regret.

 

Mate, its a state of mood you are going through. You have sounded great in your earlier posts and you will be that way again. This is a stage of what is happening. Accept it, experience it and look forward to the time you will feel great and have an appreciation of both states.

When i get in that stage of that 'Life just sucks' 'Life is against me'. I take a deep breath and say to myself, 'I'm down feeling down and sad right now. Its another feeling I am going through. It will pass. As soon as it does, I can feel happy again'

Sounds simple doesnt it? Sounds like its a piece of bull.

Its what has worked for me and I'm doing ok

 

Be strong, buddy. I know its hard coming from me, from my own experience.

Bring it all back to you. Find that calm in yourself and appreciation that you know who you are. Anger, frustration, all that ... whats really driving it Don. factor out your other half, and find what you are saying to yourself. Its hard, I even find it difficult these days. Both of you are in such a tangled web, it comes part in parcel of spending some signifigant amount of time together. This is part of the unravelling of all the strands you have been entwined together in. Its hard, it will suck. But the brillan thing is, at the end of it, is you. Maybe only you, but ask yourself, that should be more than enough right?

If not and you have this urge that you NEED her in your life, whats driving that?

Sure you would like her to be a part of your life, but do you really need her?

I'm not saying dont care or dont love her. That comes from your heart but where and what is that stemming from?

dont get me wrong, I have this outlook in life now that the movement of my life forward, she's going to miss the best years of my life that are coming up, there's just nothing I can do about that

 

Read some of the most fantastic advice from Flyinghigh, lor and ilmw in my thread. They have been insightful and really helpful in helping me get where I am.

Also in regards to reading, pick some reading material up !

Anything, but I would suggest what Flyinghigh suggested to me and thats "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson.

My suggestion would be "Self Matters" by Dr Phil

 

I have yahoo messenger installed now. My id is ozdadof3.

If you need to talk, vent, you are more than welcome to PM mate.

 

Head held high and think in your mind, they took there best shot and they missed you by a long shot !

 

Dadof3

[behonest63]

Weve had sex 4 times in the last ten days, i mean great sex...went places, ate out, took the grandbaby to the pond etc etc etc., we started feeling out the divorce papers when I said we needed to do it, she didnt react much, I was fishing to see if anything had improved, then I sent her an email as below:

 

_____________________________________________________________

My Question:

 

The simple question is do you still have any love

for me, any feeling for me, do you want to make a

commitment to each other to work on our marriage and

give it a try. I really need to know based on this

email for many reasons such as health and the future

of what I need to do. Please just answer this email

with a simple yes or no. Do you want to be my wife,

do you want to save our marriage?

 

Her Answer:

 

its not simple when i do care but between the yes or

no answer its no im not wanting to hurt you anymore

just want u happy

_______________________________________________________________

 

She doesnt have internet so this is an answer from her phone if it looks short lol.....

 

She is coming over today to help me clean my apartment.....WHAT THE HECK DOES ALL THIS MEAN.....She has done a lot of things she has yet to tell me....only what I found out on my own do I know.....

[dgiirl]

What's the number one rule in divorce busting? Do not ask about your relationship! You are looking to her for reassurance. You are wanting this to be quickly over, and it's not as simple as that. It took you guys years to get to this point, yes? It will take you guys some time to get out of it too. The more you pressure her to make a decision the harder she'll pull away from you if only because you're trying to change her mind and she's stubborn. If there's ANY hope for you two to reconcile, you're doing yourself a disservice by asking her that question. I dont know what her intentions are right now. She might be using you, she might be confused. But how far are you willing to go? Let her initiate all relationship talk, unless you want out. Then draw up the divorce papers and put an end to it.

 

Please (re)read "divorce busting", marriage builders and "love must be tough"

[behonest63]

If i lived my life based on what others have learned or said or what doctors have written i wouldnt be in this mess to begin with lol just messing

 

thanks for the note its true but I dont like beating around the bush she left me and she is treating me like crap not the other way around, i dont know why i even want to be with her anymore, maybe i am trying to get it over with who knows but thanks for the post...

[behonest63]

My wife came to my apartment spent all day cooked dinner, gave me some pleasure, cleaned my bedroom, and then trimmed our daughters hair and died it. We had a great time yesterday. She actually took some picutres with me which is rare for her to take pictures.

 

DOES NO MEAN NO??? Yes I broke the cardinal rule to keep asking about our relationship, she keeps saying she cares and doesnt want to hurt me anymore but doesnt want to stay married or work on our marriage.

 

Is she just reluctant to say she wants to try since it was so hard for her to break in the first place. Or does she really mean she doesnt want to try to work on it.

 

She just wants me to be happy she says. I dont understand all this I love you but Im not in love with you type stuff.

 

I need a job and I have one in Georgia. Should I move and leave my whole family here.

 

What should I do. Get a job here and go about my life and what happens happens. How much should I be involved with her? Should I let her start contacting me and stop bugging her??

 

Im confused, we filled out the papers should we go submit them to the court? I was upset and cried then she made love to me what is this what does it mean?

 

HELP HELP HELP GUNNY~ and others!!!!!!

[behonest63]

I decided not to call her today as usual she calls me at noon to see what I am doing, to tell me what the grandbaby is doing etc., its shorts I dont talk much, she calls me again at 4 pm to tell me what my daughter was up to, its short not much too it, then she just calls me again to see if i want my daughter to bring me some dinner she is cooking....so she called me three times today....

[Antha]

As a woman...I have NO CLUE what is going on in that head of hers. She is acting like she's your girlfriend (i.e. making you dinner, going to the festival, having enjoyable sex with you, etc. ) If you don't call her, she initiates contact. Any time you seem to pull away, she comes back...and any time you make yourself vulnerable and ask about the relationship, she shuts you down. Am I getting this right??

 

What I don't understand is why she was such a prude in your marriage, but with affairs she was wild sexually? Is she being wild (sexually speaking) with you now?

 

I've been dying to say this since your earlier post...paraphrasing the words of Chris Rock: "You won't give a b.j.? How in the HELL do you expect to compete with other women?!?!"

 

Just from what you've described, her actions and reactions seem all over the map and I feel just as confused as you.

 

I'm not one of these wise people like Gunny. I'm 25. I was a virgin like you. I married my first and only love, like you. I haven't experienced enough interpersonal relationships to have the wisdom like they do. I lack age, experience, and yes, hurt. I've only broken up with one person besides my husband, whom I am in the process of divorce with right now. However, I do feel your pain. Although you did cheat, I don't think you are an evil man stamping your little Satan hooves on your wife's heart. You both did wrong, but I'm don't think you need to be ostracized for that. You regret your actions. Does she regret hers? Does she feel remorseful?

 

My only advice is to listen to the people who know what they are talking about.

 

Antha

[behonest63]

As a woman...I have NO CLUE what is going on in that head of hers. She is acting like she's your girlfriend (i.e. making you dinner, going to the festival, having enjoyable sex with you, etc. ) If you don't call her, she initiates contact. Any time you seem to pull away, she comes back...and any time you make yourself vulnerable and ask about the relationship, she shuts you down. Am I getting this right??

OMG yes you are dead on with this.....

 

What I don't understand is why she was such a prude in your marriage, but with affairs she was wild sexually? Is she being wild (sexually speaking) with you now?

Heck yeah she is wild and very sexy now doing this she would never do before like she figured out it wasnt me it was everyone....

 

I've been dying to say this since your earlier post...paraphrasing the words of Chris Rock: "You won't give a b.j.? How in the HELL do you expect to compete with other women?!?!"

LOL yeah!

 

Just from what you've described, her actions and reactions seem all over the map and I feel just as confused as you.

She is all over the map, she has some deep issues she wont discuss I guess, scared to give into her emotions still.

 

When i was filling out the divorce papers and crying she came over several times rubbing my back as to say its okay I'm sorry.

I'm not a bad person she keeps saying she is much worse than me...even finally called my mom and admitted as she was crying that it wasnt only me that I was wrong but she has been much wronger.....

Like i said what I have done is wrong but what I HAVE FOUND OUT she has done is wickedly wrong for many years and I dont even know the half of it I am sure...I have told her everything and to ask me anything and I will tell her...she only answers when she knows i know and then its not too good of an answer...she doesnt act remorseful just keeps saying she is sorry for hurting me and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that she is a cold hearted bitch....she knows much more about herself than I do and I think I only scratched the surface....

What gets me is that she made me out to be scum of the earth as I call it dragging me thru the mud....and when I finally cracked all the computer files I could get off her computer I found out much more and otherwise...I think I understand and I will forgive her as long as she still loves me and wants to work it out, but she says she doesnt. Her time is running out though I am emotionally drained...but her sexy actions and the sex she has given me lately tops anytime in our marriage...I tell her that and she says no it isnt you just dont remember....

She never opens up to talk.....not sure what is going on but...only she know I guess....

thanks for the post, I am still confused :-)

[behonest63]

As a woman...I have NO CLUE what is going on in that head of hers. She is acting like she's your girlfriend (i.e. making you dinner, going to the festival, having enjoyable sex with you, etc. ) If you don't call her, she initiates contact. Any time you seem to pull away, she comes back...and any time you make yourself vulnerable and ask about the relationship, she shuts you down. Am I getting this right??

 

 

OMG yes you are dead on with this.....

What I don't understand is why she was such a prude in your marriage, but with affairs she was wild sexually? Is she being wild (sexually speaking) with you now?

 

 

Heck yeah she is wild and very sexy now doing this she would never do before like she figured out it wasnt me it was everyone....

I've been dying to say this since your earlier post...paraphrasing the words of Chris Rock: "You won't give a b.j.? How in the HELL do you expect to compete with other women?!?!"

 

LOL yeah!

Just from what you've described, her actions and reactions seem all over the map and I feel just as confused as you.

 

She is all over the map, she has some deep issues she wont discuss I guess, scared to give into her emotions still.

When i was filling out the divorce papers and crying she came over several times rubbing my back as to say its okay I'm sorry.

I'm not a bad person she keeps saying she is much worse than me...even finally called my mom and admitted as she was crying that it wasnt only me that I was wrong but she has been much wronger.....

Like i said what I have done is wrong but what I HAVE FOUND OUT she has done is wickedly wrong for many years and I dont even know the half of it I am sure...I have told her everything and to ask me anything and I will tell her...she only answers when she knows i know and then its not too good of an answer...she doesnt act remorseful just keeps saying she is sorry for hurting me and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that she is a cold hearted bitch....she knows much more about herself than I do and I think I only scratched the surface....

What gets me is that she made me out to be scum of the earth as I call it dragging me thru the mud....and when I finally cracked all the computer files I could get off her computer I found out much more and otherwise...I think I understand and I will forgive her as long as she still loves me and wants to work it out, but she says she doesnt. Her time is running out though I am emotionally drained...but her sexy actions and the sex she has given me lately tops anytime in our marriage...I tell her that and she says no it isnt you just dont remember....

She never opens up to talk.....not sure what is going on but...only she know I guess....

thanks for the post, I am still confused :-)

[behonest63]

I havent called her in two days but she has called me 7 times and said what you doing, is she wondering where I am at now, why is she calling me??

[behonest63]

Ive heard, read and seen a lot since my separation and I have to get something off my chest.

 

Please dont stereotype all men, especially me. 25 years of marriage is a long time without good communication no matter whos fault it is. Yeah she is going to meet some guys and think they are the greatest; listening, sexually etc etc..SO AM I. How long will it last? I can do the same thing and did if anyone wants to recall probably for at least the first five years and then close to the same five years after and so on til it just became routine and I didnt try as hard.

 

Now, she was the first one I had sex with, the first one I ever loved and HAVE ever really loved. How does the other guy get in her head after a few months that he is so great and I am not?

 

Remember not an excuse but a fact, I never really knew this all went on, I never really thought a divorce was ever in sight, I NEVER knew the right things or exactly what I should be doing cause I never stopped to think about it or learn what was going on in relationship cause I never thought I had a reason to, nor did I think anything was particularily wrong with me or her.

 

But after the first 20 years then after 23 years she found people who would listen, who would treat her so nice, how long does it last? Is it about sex probably not is it about feeling someone else cared about your emmotions probably. Who are these guys that take vulnerable women and do this?

 

I know I could meet a women and treat her like gold right now from what I have learned and understand now. How long will that last? Will I truely love her or be trying to prove something to myself on a rebound?

 

I loved and still do love my wife for 25 years, I want to communicate and learn now, I want to do better. But, she is just as at fault, she cheated twice that I know of and did other things that I know of with two more guys that should constitute it as well. What am I missing here? Why did she do it why did I do it. Why didnt she talk to me, I know I tried to talk but she always shut down.

 

I didnt pay enough attention to her, but I was a great husband in the big picture from what I have learn and read now. I always took care of her, I always worked hard for our family, I always had big deals on birthdays and christmas etc even if we couldnt afford etc etc., I always bought her jewlry when I went on trips for work.

 

Dont classify all guys the same way. Yes I was wrong, yes she was wrong, yes we didnt communicate but does all this make me worse than the guys she met. HELL NO......only 25 years will tell....

 

25 years I still love her, still want to learn about life and still want to make our marriage special, still would like to start over again even with wedding. AND YES I HAVE CHANGED FOR REAL and no I am not playing some game I REALLY THINK I HAVE TRIED TO LEARN AND UNDERSTAND...

 

But me changing for the better doesnt me SHE was right in all this and it doesnt mean THAT I WAS EVER A BAD PERSON NEEDING TO CHANGE...

 

It just means I am working hard to do better and to understand what I never WOKE up to realize or understand before...Does it mean she doesnt need to change or do better NO!!!!

 

So as far as second chances go they arent all that simple. Why does it have to be me gettting a SECOND chance since she was the WALK AWAY WIFE? Why cant she have to work for a second chance.

 

THIS WASNT ONE SIDED YOU KNOW....

 

She caught me cheating 23 years in, she had been cheating for a long time and I would have never know she would have never told me if I hadnt copied all the computer files and found out on my own...she was clear I WAS THE LOSER and CHEATER....

 

So my point is just because one person wants the second chance doesnt make them the bad PERSON that needs to change so much.....YOU probably would be suprised to find out what the other one has done that is still undiscovered.

 

We all need to make changes for the better, we all need to understand that the DUMPER and the DUMPEE probably have some changing to do and stop tearing the DUMPEE down just cause the other one acted first.

 

She left me but you know what dont ask me has he really changed and keep questioning it like its a LIE. I said I have only had one relationship in my life and I SAID I have learned alot from this separation, BUT she doesnt need to change since she doesnt want me back?

 

Yeah her boyfriends can treat her great but how do I deserve this disrespect of 25 years? Only time will tell, but I know who I am and I know what I am and its not classified in the STERO TYPICAL second chance guy needs to change catergory.....Someone give me a break....

 

and stop making me out to be the one that only needs to change and stop making me ask for a second chance....I didnt really do anything wrong in the big picture of life to be treated this way....the SCUM of the earth and the ONE LIKE REBOUND guy I dont fall into. I made a mistake and I didnt realize or even stop to think what a relationship was until now and NO I AM NOT PLAYING ANY GAME.......

 

REMEMBER ALWAYS TWO SIDES to every story and sometimes you never know the other side even if you want to....