How soon is too soon?

[littlebird]

Just how soon is too soon? Even if you both feel it is right, is there a reason to wait?

 

Let me give you a bit of my / our background. We're both in our early 30's, we've both had previous serious, mostly happy, long term cohabitational relationships that never mutated into marriage (we've both had a few relationships each of 2-5 years) and both agree that no one ever felt like they were 'the one'.

 

We're now in this strange position where we've both got this feeling that we're tremendously lucky to have met, we're so compatible. He's very unsubtly hinted at marriage because, I think, this time are both loathe to go through living together first. We'd both like children soon and a family life, we are both however realists.... having had long relationships before we know they require work. We've lots of excited and supportive friends in common, (so we know each other's histories pretty well) but as we've only been dating a few (4ish) months we have a few neigh sayers too.

 

So... the questions I have are these....

 

Is there any evidence to show that cohabiting first is likely to make a marriage work?

Is there a too soon to decide you want to marry, or can you just *know*?

Is there a too soon to get engaged? Is there any benefit to waiting? (I think we'd be looking at 6 months to a years engagement)

Is there a too soon to get married?

 

I know the cynical advice I'd be giving a friend if they were in my position but.....

[bab]

Is there any evidence to show that cohabiting first is likely to make a marriage work?

Is there a too soon to decide you want to marry, or can you just *know*?

Is there a too soon to get engaged? Is there any benefit to waiting? (I think we'd be looking at 6 months to a years engagement)

Is there a too soon to get married?

 

I know the cynical advice I'd be giving a friend if they were in my position but.....

 

 

Well, I think you will have an easier time finding statistics saying that cohabitating before marriage is less likely to make a marriage work, although most statistics on this is skewed by a belief of how the source thinks it should work.

 

I think that 4 months is to soon. There is that whole brain chemistry that is designed to make us procreate. Therefore, we are more likely to believe we have "found the one" in the early stages of a relationship because our brain is producing chemicals designed to cause us want to have babies. It's best to wait awhile, I'd guess a year to decide if this is really the person that we want to partner ourselves with.

 

The benefit to waiting to get engaged is that once you are engaged the dynamic in the relationship changes. Especiallly for women, it's easy to get so excited about the wedding and marriage that we are more willing to brush issues in the relationship under the rug, which is especially dangerous when those issues haven't had the chance to surface before the engagement.

 

All this being said, the fact that you are in your 30's and had other long term relationships makes it easier to evaluate what qualilties you want in a husband/wife and if this person really fits it. Try to be objective as possible and think about what your relationship has that's good/bad. Right now it may be easy to just think about him and get giddy. Don't let that cloud your judgement. Does he want to live on the west coast and you middle america? Does he see paying off all debt within 10 years and you see the two of you on romantic vacations every summer? These things matter, especially after the giddiness fades.

 

Many marriages have failed although the couples dated for years before marrying and many marriages have lasted with short dating scenerios. I believe that if you truely evaluate your relationship in an objective way and you still believe that this is the person that you want to partner with, than a long engagement may be cautious enough; but I'd go with a year instead of 6 months.

[Walk]

I personally think anything less than a year is suicide. If you want to still get married after dating a year, then have at it. But just date and have fun for one year. Get to know each other and how you react in different situations... I really think it takes a year to even start to really know someone.

 

Besides... You don't get to go back in time, so even though you guys are feeling like your getting up there in age, don't hurry things along too quickly and miss out on all the fun of just being in the now.

[bluechocolate]

I think you need to be careful that your 'plans' aren't clouding your judgement.

 

I know the cynical advice I'd be giving a friend if they were in my position but.....

 

That advice wouldn't be cynical & you should consider yourself a friend & take heed.

 

4 months? Way too soon IMO. There is still much to find out about each other.

[Rooster_DAR]

Have both of you been single for a while, or did either of you just come out of a relationship in the past year?

[Island Girl]

There is a lot more evidence that living together results in a higher divorce rate.

 

There are marriages, like a friend of mine's parents who married 3 weeks after they met - still married 31 years later and people who were engaged for 2 or 3 years+ that ended up divorced.

 

Which ever way you go pre-marital counseling is a great help. It brings to light issues that wouldn't normally come up in the first phase of a relationship or even after years of marriage, i.e. raising children, division of labor, marital expectations, etc.

 

I highly recommend it.

[tikigods]

I believe in dating at LEAST a year before you get married, and if you talk to my husband he believes that you should live together at least a year before you get married.

[littlebird]

Thanks for the advice, all of you. It's really intersting how polarised peoples views are on the subject.

 

I too know couples that met and married in weeks and have been married a really long time, 45 years in one case and 2 others for over 30. I also have lots of friends that have been together since University, lived together for 10 years, married, had children, and divorced in the space of a couple of years. My parents divorced after 18 (mostly)unhappy years of marriage - even though they dated for 2 years and cohabited for a year, his parents however are still married, and they married 14 months after meeting (they had a year engagement). I guess that is why my question has arisen.

 

We've both been single for a year and a half / two years, we've both been dating casually, but not found someone who clicked. I, for one, had completely given up, I was just done with all the random dates with people who were 'ok', it was lots of fun but not very fulfilling.

 

The things that make me feel that this could work are that we've both always been the 'nice' one in our previous relationships, the one that paid the bills and picked up the pieces. We're both on the same page as far as money and lifestyle expectations go (we've even talked about it, in detail, something that was extremely hard for me to do with previous partners). We understand eachother's need for space (I like to read and not talk for a while in the evenings and this used to make other partners feel neglected) We reach understandings easily and can talk honestly about where we want to be in 5, 10, 20 etc years... Which gives me a very good down to earth feeling about us.

 

I do agree with you all though that a years engagement is best, 6 months does seem terribly short! He asked the what if I propsed? question in a round about way yesterday (we're going on holiday together just before christmas and it feels like he's plotting something) I indicated that I'd probably say yes.... but it would be a year before I married him. It seems like a more sensible way of doing things.....

 

[Rooster_DAR]

You both sound mature and have found some good common ground, I think your chances are good. I would still wait a year if possible, maybe the anticipation will just compound the relationship further.

 

Good luck, it would be nice if more people could find this more often. It seems harder and harder to find this kind of compatibility in our world these days.

 

Cheers!