Can The Guys Look At This?

[swirly27]

Well, I understand what you mean about friends muddying up the words. Basically, he met me last year and asked about me then but nothing happened and throughout the year he'd ask about me and then we finally just ran into one another. He came on full force, telling me how he talked to his friends about me and how happy he was that he finally met someone he could have something real with. He wanted to spend every weekend, all weekend with me and we'd talk almost every day and hang out during the week too. But it seemed when he had to be held accountable for one time he had me sitting around for hours and I called him on it, the next weekend is when he blew me off one night for plans - no call, nothing. But we finally did talk that weekend and he apologized but wanted to talk more about it in person. I sensed something was off so I very positively asked him if maybe this dating thing wasn't working for him or he didn't want to see me anymore and he said NO NO NO - the next night he was supposed to call after work, but said he fell asleep and didn't call till wayyyy later and thats when he said he'd come over, cause I was still hurt and I had every right to be. I sensed like he was scared or something, but then I'm a romantic at heart so thats like a book story. lol But, he never showed and I texted him that sorry things didn't work out - I never heard from him again. I even called once a week later to try and chat about it, smooth things over, something but he didn't answer. So that was that. Now its the present and I am confused.

 

When we dated, it was wonderful, we talked about everything, had a connection, had fun, met each other's friends, heck I even met his parents. Maybe it all happened too quickly. But LoserDude......if you had really really regretted blowing off one of these girls, wouldn't you have overcome your fear and called them anyway? My plan is that IF he keeps calling and being friendly, I will bring up the breakup so he knows I was hurt by it, but not to punish him or bring him down, just to let him know, if we're gonna be friendly, I'm not a sucker either and I can value a friendship, but then friends are honest. Maybe he doesn't even know how much I was truly truly hurt. There are soooo many maybes here and thats why I value all of your opinions because we take them from our own experiences and help each other out. But I won't really know whats going on unless I talk to 'him' about it....right now might not be a good time, but if he pursues a friendship, then it will come up. Maybe if he needed space or got spooked before, I'll give him all the space he needs but show him I am a kick ass girl too haha! Who knows, maybe nothing more will happen, maybe we'll be great friends or maybe I'll just get the closure I wanted. I guess both men AND women baffle one another! lol

[D-Lish]

Well, I'm not trying to get your hopes up or anything... but it's a good sign he called you so soon after running into you. At the very least it means he's thinking of you.

 

Some guys (yeah, yeah, and girls) go running scared when they get close to someone. He sounds like this kind of guy from all that I've read. The problem with that is that if you get involved with him again- he will most likely get involved and then bolt again. It's a pattern.

 

So protect yourself. And, if he continues to call- yeah, at some point I would question his intentions.

 

If my ex called out of the blue, I would fall out of my chair- I'm still getting the silent treatment... and it's killing me!

 

Until you find out what his intentions are, play it cool. Then at some point, if he keeps playing games with you- you'll have to put your foot down and tell him to f&^k off.

 

Good luck- keep us posted!

D-Lish

[Loserdude]

When we dated, it was wonderful, we talked about everything, had a connection, had fun, met each other's friends, heck I even met his parents. Maybe it all happened too quickly. But LoserDude......if you had really really regretted blowing off one of these girls, wouldn't you have overcome your fear and called them anyway? My plan is that IF he keeps calling and being friendly, I will bring up the breakup so he knows I was hurt by it, but not to punish him or bring him down, just to let him know, if we're gonna be friendly, I'm not a sucker either and I can value a friendship, but then friends are honest. Maybe he doesn't even know how much I was truly truly hurt. There are soooo many maybes here and thats why I value all of your opinions because we take them from our own experiences and help each other out. But I won't really know whats going on unless I talk to 'him' about it....right now might not be a good time, but if he pursues a friendship, then it will come up. Maybe if he needed space or got spooked before, I'll give him all the space he needs but show him I am a kick ass girl too haha! Who knows, maybe nothing more will happen, maybe we'll be great friends or maybe I'll just get the closure I wanted. I guess both men AND women baffle one another! lol

Yes yes yes, but, and this is the bad news, when I like the girl I wouldn't blow her off like that, you see? But I can't understand why he was all into you one day and then not the next. I remember this girl Maryann. Really cool, nice, cute etc. I sort of got the feeling that she was REALLY liking me and I was getting there with her, just not there. And then one night she sort of went from all breezy and fun to serious and slightly demanding. Stupid, but it changed things. I was talking to her on the phone - she was in Boston and I'm in Philly, and she talked about my coming up to see her (which was a good idea), but I kind of said, as an outloud thought, "Oh, I didn't even think of that..." - Meaning of going there that particular weekend. And she right away was saying, "Well, that's a bad sign, you weren't thinking of seeing me...blah blah blah." and suddently it was like an obligation to go see her. It was weird how it changed things in a small way. I don't know if that sheds any light....

[swirly27]

I hear what you're saying LoserDude - maybe that is what happened with my ex. But, I mainly let him do like the calling and most of the asking because I didn't want to come across too eager and he did. He would say things like he wanted my heart, blah blah blah, all just words I know. But, the one thing that happened before the weekend he blew me off was when we had plans one night and he said he'd call me by a certain time and it was 2 hrs later that I called him....I was kinda hurt cause of how late he was, and he apologized and then he said he'd call me again that night and he was late again.....when he finally came over, it was weird cause I was hurt and he was a TOOL for making me wait.....but from the rest of the time we dated, and being around him, I genuinely don't think he was 'blowing me off' that time, I think I just it known that I wasn't going to sit around all night. I KNOW a guy should never make a girl wait and all that, I am not defending him, he was a tool. It was the next weekend after that that he blew off plans one night, never called, nothing. So maybe me being upset the weekend before freaked him out - but then its his fault cause if he's gonna make a girl sit around all night or blow stuff off, I'm gonna say something about it or not sit around and wait and be done with it.

 

Sooooo, if he got freaked out or whatever, why is he calling now? Its been almost 3 months since we broke up. Loserdude, did you break it off with that Maryann girl? If so, did you regret it? I hear what you're saying though cause when you're not ready or something goes faster than you'd like, it seems demanding....I broke up with a guy last year for the same thing. But I didn't blow my guy off and then wonder why he was upset either.....

[tangerine trees]

all I have to say is:

 

can I have your psychics phone number please?

[swirly27]

hahahah, thats funny tangerine! I know right, the one psychic that I was talking to mostly throughout all of this, was 4 days off! Pretty close considering she sticked to her timeline the whole time. That is definitely my vice though, calling psychics. I guess it could be worse, haha.

 

I found a couple really good, specific ones on Keen's website. I heard of this website from watching Maury one day on tv and that Sylvia Brown psychic was on and she sponsors this site. I have found total fakes too, or at least just money-hungry scammers, but the couple I talk to seem to be really dead on with my stuff. Who knows, whatever keeps me occupied and gets me through the 'time'. lol

[tangerine trees]

yeah, whatever works works.

 

its sort of odd because i ran into my ex a while back out of the blue too. except he wasnt as inviting; he came and talked to me but didnt hug me or anything. and he was also with a girl whom it was unclear if he was dating or not (and i now know that they are)

 

i think its such a strange coincidence though, and definently restores my faith in spirituality. i mean, something must have wanted us to meet again. and your psychic could sense that it would happen, perhaps?

 

eugh. i feel really icky. i threw up from drinking too much for the first time last night. and then i fell down the stairs. dammit. its a rites of passage i guess.... but still really unpleasant.

 

im looking at the psychic website now ha

[swirly27]

hehe, that made me laugh about you feeling sick from drinking. I purposely did not drink after my breakup this past summer until last weekend....cause I know me and I'd get emotional and cry and maybe dial....I cried anyway sober, so I didn't need alcohol to help it along...but last weekend I drank and got drunk and I was soooo sick the next day! haha

 

Who knows why things happen the way they do.

[swirly27]

Ok so now I have more news - he called again last night!! Same type of conversation, asked me what I was doing, seeing if I was going out, told me he didnd't know what he was going to do, had a couple options. Then he asked if I'd be at the bar I saw him at last week and it was a possibility, so I told him I might. He told me he asked two friends of his, that are girls, if they knew me because they work for the xame place I do....but its HUGE and I don't know of them - but why is he asking them about me and he tells me this. So we chat for a bit, make small talk and then we get off the phone and he says 'maybe I'll see you out then' and I said ok.

 

So now the only thing I did wrong I guess was I called him - later on in the night a few of us went out to a couple places and one was the bar he might have gone to and when we were leaving, I called him. We chatted and he said he actually was bored but never got motivated to go anywhere so he stayed home and he asked about my night and asked if I'd call him back when I got home, so I did. We chatted a bit then and talked and then he said he'd call me today. Ugh, I am confused haha. I wish I hadn't called him, only cause U am trying my damnest not to do anything, but still. This is 2 nights in a row now he's calling and dancing around the subject and what I am doing that night - is he just horny and lonely or do you think he misses me at all and has no balls to day it? I am not sure what to di.

[Guest]

He's just "horny" Swirly. Its amazing to see what little conviction you have or self respect. I have been reading hundreds of your replies for the last two months saying that you are done with this guy as you have realized you are so better than him, yet when he snaps his fingers back into your life, you are right there standing at attention and willing to take any and all table scraps. Is the thought of having to find a guy worth your efforts that frightening that you would lower yourself to try to work things out with someone who hurt you? I don't want to sound harsh and am sorry if I do, yet it irks me to see a good person "settling" for scraps.

[tangerine trees]

woah. everyone else is probably going to be like 'he doenst like you move on!' but im going to tell you what you actually probably want to hear, which it seems like hes interested again.

 

then again, i know nothing and this argument might be torn to shreds? i mean, i don't give advice here because i have no authority to, but it seems like it would be important to have him chase you, and to not make this too easy for him.

 

but what about that other girl?

 

i wish things with my ex were going this well. i was doing fine until i realized he was home for the weekend, and then i logged into a mutual friends facebook (he gave the password, god knows why, and i use to to check up on some people) and found all these pictures of him kissing his new gf. ugh. and then i had a dream that i visited him at school but he wasnt happy to see me at all.

 

 

oh and btw, these psychic things are expensive. how long do your phone calls usually last? i found this thing, have you heard of "dr. gilda"? appearently shes an expert on relationships, and you can do an email corresspondance with her of three emails for 50 dollars. kinda pricey too, but maybe worth it?

[swirly27]

I know, thats why I am annoyed with myself that I called him...I don't want to make it really easy....I can still be friendly and when I did call, I didn't ask him to hang out, I just chatted....I just wish I hadn't called, but it went good anyway. He obviously is still a coward and the one good thing about all this is I don't feel soooo worthless like I did right after we broke up....it had happened so suddenly that I just felt so down and worthless. Maybe this will help me better with some self esteem, although I am doing better with that on my own, and it'll be like a stepping stone.

 

About the other girl....I don't want to sound naive but either way, it doesn't really matter right now. I do know he has friends that are girls and I had met her before as his friend....maybe they hook up, maybe not, but we are single and can do what we want. Anything more that would happen with him and I will have to be because he speaks up or takes a step, otherwise, it'll never go anywhere...if its going to anyway.

 

Yeah, the psychics can be pricey, depending on which ones you use. I've never heard of Dr. Gilda, you'll have to let me know how it turns out. Its just so funny to me that last weekend I bawled my eyes out after seeing my ex out and with a chick and now he's called me 3 times this week and at the very least, we're being friendly, and he's the one pursuing that.....I do regret making my phone call last night, but its over, it went well anyway, and I can tell myself not to call again like that. lol

[swirly27]

He's just "horny" Swirly. Its amazing to see what little conviction you have or self respect. I have been reading hundreds of your replies for the last two months saying that you are done with this guy as you have realized you are so better than him, yet when he snaps his fingers back into your life, you are right there standing at attention and willing to take any and all table scraps. Is the thought of having to find a guy worth your efforts that frightening that you would lower yourself to try to work things out with someone who hurt you? I don't want to sound harsh and am sorry if I do, yet it irks me to see a good person "settling" for scraps.

 

Thanks for your response guest and you do sound a tad harsh but its ok, you have your opinion and you're completely objective. One correction though is for the last couple months, I have been heart broken and I do keep trying to tell myself its his loss and I am better off without him....but its hard too and with the way things all went down, I am treading lightly on how I should act. But, its hard - I do still care for him and other than making one call, I haven't done anything to give him my time or my energy - but I need to do what makes me feel better and maybe all this will do is give me some closure......I should be able to have my own closure and be soooo self confident that I wouldn't take any scraps......I don't feel I am taking scraps but I am thinking with my heart and not my head and we all have been there and its hard - sometimes guys/girls genuinely make mistakes and sometimes they are just horny - he hasn't tried that route but who knows, you could be right - maybe talking with him a little here and there will drive me nuts and make me see what a waste of energy I am giving and I'll become disenchanted.

 

Its not that I want to lower my standards....and so far I haven't....I broke it off when he blew me off, but I was hurt. I don't plan to lower my standards now either, its just nerve wracking because I genuinely do care about this guy. Thats why I try and vent here when anything happens cause I get great feedback. Sometimes things do work out with people and most of the time, they don't....but whatever path takes me to being completely over this, one way or the other, is what I want....some would say do NC and I did for almost 11 weeks but I feel a tad bit better now, just having a bit of a confidence booster from his calls....even if he is just horny, it makes me feel better knowing he's calling and I know i won't give in to any hookups....whatever makes me feel better right. If it starts to hurt, then I need to end the contact or just avoid it.

[tangerine trees]

whats the deal now?

[tangerine trees]

uh oh. im worried by this lack of response. it probably means that swirly is dating the guy again. swirly!! you cant just leave us hanging like this!

[Agent M]

Swirly.....

 

It's Agent M. All I can say is I hope this works out soon before your poor head explodes. If you're still interested in him, let him do the work for awhile anyway....let him SHOW you he cares and really means it. I'd be a tad skeptical about his "bi-polar" behavior (I'm using poetic justice). I'm not sure I'd trust him, but if you want to go for it, you may have to "bring him up", meaning he's childish in comparison to you. Oh well....love can be like that...but you may also find better. Good luck and IM me sometime...

[swirly27]

HOLA EVERYONE!

 

Sorry I haven't been around for a bit, but I was on vacation. I left this past friday on a trip with my mom and it was a really nice time. Me and my mom aren't the most compatible, but it was a nice trip and I just got home tonight. Luckily I have off the rest of the week and plan to use it to chill and catch up on things and have a great weekend too.

 

There's not a whole lot to update everyone with. He has been calling regularly. The last I wrote he had called last friday and saturday, make that 2 fridays ago....then he called me last wed. night but I wasn't around and I chose not to call him back right away. So I waited a day and called but got no answer. Then he called me friday night, while I was away and I was sleeping so I didn't answer. Then he called again saturday morning just to chat and asked how my trip was so far and blah blah blah. Thats what he does, he just chats with me and then thats it, so who knows. I haven't talked to him since but whatever.

 

I am still involved here a bit with my heart, I won't lie. But my trip was good and I feel a bit refreshed or something and I take all your advice and opinions wisely and I know that I always need to put my needs first here with him or any guy right now. My dad wasn't too happy when I told him the ex was calling, but he even gave me good insight....once he tried to seperate being a dad from being a man. haha So thats all there really is to update.

 

I also got a little bug up my ass that I really want to start getting active again and doing stuff exercise-like so I plan to start doing stuff again this week, starting tonight with a nice long walk.

 

Hope everyone is doing good and Agent, I will IM you soon, maybe tomorrow if you are online. I am trying to get unpacked and get rid of this headache I've had all week and I am beat! Gotta get this walk in though. Hope things are going good with you all!! I'll keep you posted as well.

[tangerine trees]

what insight did your dad give?

[D-Lish]

Hi Swirl~Girl,

 

Your ex sounds soooo confusing!

If he wants you back, why can't he just be a man and just say so!!!

Geez, must be frustrating.

 

I hate the games. They suck. I don't mind the little dance two people do at the beginning when they are getting to know one another, but after a while it gets tiresome. Have you asked his reasons for re-initiating contact? I think enough phone calls have happened that it's okay to ask.

 

Forget the idle chit-chat buddy! He should just ante up and spill the real details...

 

Yeah, it sounds like he is interested again. Tread carefully! And please, protect your heart...

 

D

[swirly27]

It is confusing and I am actually starting to KINDA get over it.....i say kinda very lightly cause if he showed up at my door tonight or asked me out, my heart would definitely flutter, but this friendly chatting and calling is confusing and my one friend said maybe he thinks we're past the stuff from the past and we can be friends....but I don't have any friends, guys anyway, that call me as much as he does....now I haven't heard from him since saturday but he's nothing close to consistent so who knows. I am going out tonight with some girls and I am getting my hair done too today so I'm out to have fun. IF he calls tonight, I think I am not answering this one....I don't want to put myself in a situation where I hope to see him out or be disappointed if he's not if him and I talked about it...so not answering would be good for tonight....until he speaks his mind or grows some balls, I need to step back here.

 

Tangerine - hmm, my dad initially and still thinks my ex is lonely, bored, horny or all three - but he does admit it is weird that he calls as much as he does just to talk.....he thinks he is testing the waters too. He wants me to hit him between the eyes and ask him what he's up to, but my other guy friends say I should be more subtle and I kinda like that route better - better right now to act like his calls don't phase me and then either when I see him next or he actually says something meaningful to me, then I ask the question. So, we'll see how it plays out. I am assuming I will hear from him this weekend and I hate that I even assume that....which is why I need to pull back and I feel good about that.

 

I will keep you guys posted!! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Loserdude]

ILoserdude, did you break it off with that Maryann girl? If so, did you regret it? I hear what you're saying though cause when you're not ready or something goes faster than you'd like, it seems demanding....

 

Yes, I broke up with her and no I didn't regret it. The pressure thing really pushed me away...

[Agent M]

Yes yes yes, but, and this is the bad news, when I like the girl I wouldn't blow her off like that, you see? But I can't understand why he was all into you one day and then not the next. I remember this girl Maryann. Really cool, nice, cute etc. I sort of got the feeling that she was REALLY liking me and I was getting there with her, just not there. And then one night she sort of went from all breezy and fun to serious and slightly demanding. Stupid, but it changed things. I was talking to her on the phone - she was in Boston and I'm in Philly, and she talked about my coming up to see her (which was a good idea), but I kind of said, as an outloud thought, "Oh, I didn't even think of that..." - Meaning of going there that particular weekend. And she right away was saying, "Well, that's a bad sign, you weren't thinking of seeing me...blah blah blah." and suddently it was like an obligation to go see her. It was weird how it changed things in a small way. I don't know if that sheds any light....

 

So, Loserdude, would it be true to say that in fact, you didn't really like her, even though you sort of thought you did?? Because if someone you're really into wants to get serious all of a sudden, you like the idea. But, if you're not sure about the person, then you get scared or start feeling pressured or smothered, right?

[Loserdude]

So, Loserdude, would it be true to say that in fact, you didn't really like her, even though you sort of thought you did?? Because if someone you're really into wants to get serious all of a sudden, you like the idea. But, if you're not sure about the person, then you get scared or start feeling pressured or smothered, right?

Well, yes but no. I liked her, but I guess it was kind of like she killed it so then contacting her became a chore. I mean, I still like her - I thought she was cool and all that. Really pretty eyes too. Good kisser, smelled, nice. Damn...what'd I DO???!!!

 

But seriously, I guess it would be more accurate to say that however much I liked her, it was not enough to surmount the feelings that her pressure generated.

[ur mom]

wow, that sounds weird. but honestly he was probably just being immature and trying to make u jelouse for his personal benefit.to make himself feel like a MAN or whatever. and dont go crazy over this, its what women do. they over think, u r fine. also he could have been testing the water to c if u still have feelings for him,but who knows?

 

if he was a douch when u were together, he probably was trying to get to u. but u did great and should b proud of yourself! i appologise on his behalf and promise not every guy is an ass. although the majority of us r.

 

lol and goodluck,everything will turn out the way its supposed to. keep ur head up.

[Agent M]

Well, yes but no. I liked her, but I guess it was kind of like she killed it so then contacting her became a chore. I mean, I still like her - I thought she was cool and all that. Really pretty eyes too. Good kisser, smelled, nice. Damn...what'd I DO???!!!

 

But seriously, I guess it would be more accurate to say that however much I liked her, it was not enough to surmount the feelings that her pressure generated.

 

Yeah.....but I had a boyfriend who was really stuck to me like glue...in fact it was smothering me....but as soon as I turned the pressure on he RAN. It was so weird. I was sure he was TOTALLY into me.....then he was GONE. And I do feel like contacting me was one of the big problems. I think he started to feel hemmed in by my need for contact, on the phone. I didn't need to see him as much as I just wanted a phone call or even a message, but he couldn't deal. The only thing I could conclude was that maybe he just really wasn't into me to begin with, or he was afraid of something. I was also interested in the fact that even though in the beginning I felt smothered, I was handling it, waiting it out to see if things worked themselves out, but as soon as he felt smothered, he RAN. Not cool. Thanks for your insights....