classicgirl4 Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 Ok so after fighting and discussing things over and over again with my boyfriend, I need some external advice. Because I need to know if I'm crazy, justified, or just need to get over it. It started 9 months ago. We dated for a few months and really fell in love with my boyfriend. We met online, but he seemed great, and went to the same school as me so we both lived on campus and were together all the time. But after a few months I knew something was wrong. Well it turns out he was sexually addicted, was online talking to girls all the time, and even cheated on me with 3 different girls. Well I believe if you truly love someone that you forgive them, which I did and I decided that he really did want to stop (he had been doing this for about 2 years and it was really messing up his life). And honestly, there were a few incidents of talking to girls online, but things worked out. I stilll get pretty sensitive about it (5 to 6 months later) but most of the time im ok. And he and I together are amazing, we really love each other. But now Im running into some of my own problems. I think I am really jealous. I hate thinking about how many ex's he has ( A LOT) and am always afraid that he is just with me becuase he wants a girlfriend. And I have been freaking out and questioning him a lot more lately, which I hate, and he really is having a hard time dealing with me. This is a person I see myself marrying, and I really dont want to be jeaouls of ex's, girls that dont matter. Does anyone have any advice? and how do I put more trust into him? PLEASE HELP!!! I really dont want to loose him! Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 first off, if you truly love someone you don't make the mistake of cheating THREE TIMES. but since you have decided to stay with him, i shouldn't even go there. is he still addicted to sex? if yes, he need to see someone. if no, then are you sure hes over his addiction? i'm not trying to put any more doubts in your head than there already are, i'm just not sure this is something that can disappear in one night. quitting anything cold turkey is Hard. because you chose to stay with him, you are going to be jealous and worried. theres nothing wrong with you, its him. however, if he swears up and down he wants you and no one else and you believe him, you are going to have to stop with all the questioning. if you truly love him and see him as your husband, you will drive him away with all the questions. i, too, am a jealous person and i know its hard. does he still hang out/talk to his exes? if so, he should put it to a stop. it makes you jealous and feel bad and he should realize that his exes aren't going to make him happy in the long run, you are. you should be the most important person to him girlfriend-wise. theres nothing i can say to make the jealousy go away, you need to work on it. but first, i think you should decide if this guy is worth all this. i wouldn't have it.. but thats just my honest opinion.. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 If he is truly addicted to sex then he needs to get professional help, and not the type of help that you can give him either. That being said I wouldn't have taken him back at all, he cheated on you THREE TIMES with different girls, that doesn't scream "tru luv 4eva!" to me. You may love him, but love is a two way street, and you can't force someone to love you. Heck love isn't even there if there is no resepct and it sounds like nether one of you havethat for the other. The question is why are you dating him? He knows he has it pretty easy with you as he can go and cheat and then just claim addiction and you will stick with him, but why do you have such low self esteem that you are willing to take him back when he does this? How can you marry someone that you can't trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 1.) When he cheated, had the two of you already agreed to be exclusive? Was it communicated directly and not implied? 2.) When you say he cheated, you mean he physically had sexual intercourse with a real women? (I'm only asking because sometimes people on here say a guy cheated and what they meant was he saw porn once while surfing the internet.) 3.) What has he done since you found out about his cheating to prove to you that he isn't doing it anymore? What actions has he taken? (Not just words, real action) I just want to make sure we're all on the same page as to what you meant by "cheating" and what the agreement was with your bf during this time. I've found one way to help with issues of insecurity or jealousy is to take a broader look at his actions to find the real message. If he's staying home with you every night, or only goes out when you're around, then cling to that thought. Every time that nagging insecurity rises, hit it with the knowledge that he's proving with actions that he's faithful and loves you. Even the little stuff.. like if he knows you've had a hard day and does somethign special. The times that show he wants to be with you. Spending time with you, inviting you into his activities, or wanting you to see all of his life.. not shutting you out of portions of it. On the flip side.. part of the reason you may be feeling so insecure is he's not showing through actions that he really loves you. Which could cause discord and confusion in a person. It's hard to feel secure in a relationship when you're getting conflicting messages between words and actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author classicgirl4 Posted October 19, 2006 Author Share Posted October 19, 2006 1. Yes we had already agreeded to be exclusive, and the cheating happenened within the first 2 months of dating exclusively 2. He had sexual intercourse with two of them, and oral sex with one 3. He used to communicate to girls (esp the ones he cheated with) online, on places like myspace and facebook. At the very beginning he was a little scared to delete his accounts, but I made it clear that I would break up with him unless he wanted to change. So he did. He also recently took it upon himself to stop looking at porn. We dont always get to be together sexually because of our difficult scheduels, so it was an occasional habit but he just told me he doesnt want to do it anymore because it was what started him fantasizing about being with a lot of different girls. He doesnt even go on AIM anymore because he says no one he wants to talk to is online. He really has made such a life change, and it wasnt an overnight change either. Literally it took at least 5 months for him to be really confident that he was over everything. But now our sexual relationship has changed because he says he wants to have sex, and loves it, but doesnt want to go down that slope again. We are both extremely busy with school, both with technical science majors, and he doesnt always have time to show me how he cares with little things. But then again, I think we have different ideas of how we show our love for one another. My insecurity is coming from me not seeing him show how he cares and not having the same sexual relationship, which I miss. And when we talk about it, he agrees, but also reminds me of how at the end of the day, we are just too tired from work. Everytime I talk to him he feels like I am attacking him to fix things when I just want to work it out, and I want to know what I can do to fix things. Link to post Share on other sites
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