Ex boyfriend, need advice!

[Joanna]

Hi my name is Joanna and my ex boyfriend dumped me about 10 months ago after he cheated on me. He dumped me to be with the girl he cheated with but he has called me on average at least once ever month since then. I got wise and finally changed my number and then a week ago he asked a mutual friend of mine for my number because he said he wanted to tell me something. So, after much thought I agreed to let him have my number.

 

He finally called me and told me that he and his girlfriend are having a baby. I still have feelings for this guy so naturally my heart broke. I didn't know what to say. He says they are not ready to get married but are having the kid, and getting a house, etc. So why is he telling me this? I asked him and he said he would rather I heard it from him than "through the grapevine". I told him that I appreciated that but that in the future there is no need to keep me informed. I tried to be friends with this guy and then I said I could not do it because it was too soon for me. What I am confused about is why he is calling me.

 

He is not malicious so I really don't feel he's trying to throw this stuff in my face but it confuses me when he does something like this. Could it be that he is still in love with me and that's why he's called me? I asked him if he was happy and he was reluctant but told me yes. So if he's happy and stuff why isn't he getting married to this girl? And better yet, what does any of this have to do with me?

 

I told him he need not call again and that I was happy for him but that I didn't really every ask or hear stuff about him anyway so it doesn't matter anymore. I am horrible for even thinking this but I get the impression he still loves me and wants to talk to me and that's why he's doing this stuff. It's hard to trust your instincts again when you find out you were so wrong about someone. I don't know how to start retrusting my intuitions again. I don't know if I feel that he's still has feelings for me because I want to believe that or if it's my intuition telling me so.

 

Help, please. I know this sounds pathetic.

 

Thanks,

 

Joanna

[Tony T]

There are several answers.

 

Sigmund Freud would remind you that when very young children have an accidental bowel movement in a remote part of the house, not in the bathroom, they run to mama and give them the news. They just don't know what else to do. They are simply anal expulsive and most of what happens in their lives comes out their butts.

 

Your ex has had the equivalent of a social bowel movement and he's running to you to tell you. As with the young child, there's no particular reason...just instinct. Maybe he's looking to you to help him clean it up.

 

YOU ASK: "I don't know if I feel that he's still has feelings for me because I want to believe that or if it's my intuition telling me so."

 

Why in heaven's name would you want a lying, cheating, socially inept two-timer who got a girl pregnant and doesn't want to commit to her to still have feelings for you??? Is he the only guy in town?

 

You should pray every moment that this guy loses every feeling for you he possibly can. He is an immature, irresponsible scum bum and I don't think you need that.

 

I hope you can do some extra heavy duty work in letting go of him. He has a trailer trash lifestyle which I hope you would not want to subscribe to. He is Jerry Springer material all the way. You deserve better.

 

He probably called you because you may be the only person left in the world who will listen to his crap. And I hope after today, there won't be anybody left at all.

 

Why, oh why, would you care whether this guy has feelings for you or not. Cease all contact with him, change your phone number again, and tell your friends not to give it out. There are way way too many guys who will treat you much better than this and who won't cheat on you.

[JustaGuy]

One of two possibilities. Either he's stressed out and needs a sypathetic ear to listen to him, OR he's just keeping his options open. If it's the former, you don't need to be his therapist, and if it's the latter...YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HIS "BACK UP" PLAN. You're good enough to be someone's FIRST CHOICE...why settle on being someone's BACK UP? Find someone who will put you first in their life (they are out there!).

 

Even though you are asking for advice here, you obviously still have this guy in your mind, and are having difficulty yourself letting go.

 

The best way to let go is to GET BUSY in whatever way(s) you can (work, school, hobbies, friends...whatever your options are), and after some time goes by, the hurt won't be there. It always works that way, no matter how much it hurts now. But you MUST get away from this guy (no contact!) or the hurt won't go away. Time and a full activity calendar will help do the trick.

 

Good luck.