From NC to Friends again?

[silentcharon]

After a busy week of midterms, I got home late last night exhausted. I was about to hit the sack when my phone rang. "Hey, you home yet? I was wondering if I could stop by." A text message from my ex.

 

I don't know what I was thinking, but I said yes, he could stop by. He stopped by shortly after, I let him into the house and offered something to drink. I was having a glass of wine, and he said he'd like some wine, so I went ahead and poured some wine for him. (This is something I do for everyone, it isn't just because he is my ex.)

 

We made some small talk, I told him what I was up to, how I'm slowly adjusting to living by myself as a college student. Showed him some of my work, he told me nothing has really changed for him, he still works at the same company, blah blah.

 

It was really awkward for me, because I haven't really talked to him in a long time- and I'm sure it was awkward for him as well. Curiousity got the best of me finally, I asked him what prompted this visit.

 

"Well, I have been thinking.... I have realized something, that you were right. I still love you very much, and I agree, it was not fair to you how I acted prior to that night. (the night I forced nc on him).... I would like to try being friends with you. I still love you and I have no intentions of seeing anyone else. The reason why I broke up with you was because there was too much going on in my life, I really wanted to work off my debts and start thinking about school and my future seriously. I couldn't do that when I was dating you, I confess, that when I started thinking about the future, it seriously scared me so I broke up with you. I miss your company, I miss having you around and I was heart broken when you told me you couldn't be friends with me. It was as if I wanted you to still be in my life, as a friend, but I wanted more, but I didn't, because of this crap in my life, if that makes any sense."

 

He went on and on how he felt about the whole thing.

 

Needless to say, I was floored. I wept. I told him that I had no intentions of seeing anyone else either, I told him that he was still very important to me, and that doing the NC thing was very hard for me. But that I needed to do it, because it was making it impossible for us to heal properly. I absolutely had to do it, it wasn't out of malice, I was looking out for both of us.

 

I told him that I wished that he told me what he had just said, about why he broke up with me, because back then he didn't really give me much of an answer other than how he wanted to find himself.

 

He explained that he felt like he had to break up with me, it was something he needed to do for himself. He did still want to date me, just not right now, as he needed more time to figure things out.

 

I told him I didn't know if it was a good idea for us to be friends right now, because while we are moving forward, we still aren't over each other. This is a period of confusion and the last thing I wanted to do was confuse the hell out of him again.

 

He said that he wanted to try being friends, as he could not stand not having me in his life.

 

I said, "Okay, but you have to promise me one thing- we're just friends now. No BS. I have enough on my plate right now, all right?"

 

He had the biggest grin on his face when I said that.

 

He said that he felt so much better now that everything is all out on the table- he thanked me for hearing him out finally.

 

He invited me out for wings tomorrow night and I said yes, reasoning that, after a week of midterms, I deserved a night out.

 

Am I a fool? I hope I did the right thing....

 

My understanding is that he needed space in his life in order to figure out stuff, and he saw that he could not do it when he was dating me, so he broke up with me. It wasn't that he wanted to date others, he just wanted to have space to himself. He basically told me that once he's figured everything out, he wants to try dating me again.

 

I told him that I wasn't waiting for him, and he said he understood. He told me that if I found someone else by then, he could only be happy for me.

 

Tell me if I'm a fool...... I am so mixed up by this. I have a solid understanding, but yet, there are still some questions that remain. I am glad I told him he could stop by, I feel better somewhat. I feel like I am moving on, but at the same time, it makes me want to wait for him. I am going to continue moving on anyway, as I don't want to be back on square one.

 

I have no doubt regarding whether he wants to date anyone else or not, I believe that he is telling the truth. God, I hope I'm doing the right thing

[simon_uk]

I think you did great! I also think you did the right thing.

 

How long were you in NC for?

[bella_girl]

My advice would be to proceed with caution.

 

You've agreed to be friends... friends only. Don't read to much into this situation, continue moving on and treat him as you would any other friend.

 

However I do give him credit for coming over and speaking to you about this in person, that's a big thing for him to do.

[silentcharon]

I think you did great! I also think you did the right thing.

 

How long were you in NC for?

 

Since July. Not that long, really. I'm glad I went no contact, I don't know what would have happened if I didn't. The whole thing probably would have ended really badly if we didn't, so I'm glad. I value his friendship, so... I'm glad we're friends again. I'm not saying that everything will be perfect, it'll take work, but at least now my ex realizes what he did was wrong and is willing to try again.

[silentcharon]

My advice would be to proceed with caution.

 

You've agreed to be friends... friends only. Don't read to much into this situation, continue moving on and treat him as you would any other friend.

 

However I do give him credit for coming over and speaking to you about this in person, that's a big thing for him to do.

 

 

Yeah, definitely. It also shows how much he cares, that he had the balls to come over and explain himself, even though he still didn't want to date yet, he still came over.

 

Always, I'll proceed with caution, like I said in my reply to simonUK, everything won't be perfect and that it will take work. I stopped reading so much into anything, I kind of had no choice since it was driving me crazy questioning his motives before we went NC.

 

TODAY'S MY LAST MIDTERM! YAY!

[KittenMoon]

SC-

 

You ex, despite his shortcomings, seems like a pretty stand up guy. He seems honest, if utterly confused. Sometimes people really do need space and time to get their life moving in the direction they want it to.

 

You've done an excellent job so far of enforcing the "just friends" rule, and shen he didn't comply, you went NC. Stick to your guns, let him be your friend, but that's it. Whatever you do with him, if you wouldn't do it with another guy friend, don't do it with him. Anything you wouldn't tell a close friend, don't tell him. Etc.

 

I wish you a lot of luck- you know how similar our sitches are and I am often jealous of the much better position you have found yourself in. You're a smart chick, and I really hope everything works out one way or another in the end.

[silentcharon]

Not really, in fact, I'm jealous of you. I just hate the confusion that arises from time to time.

 

The other day, my ex hugged me, and went, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to! Friends hug each other, right? So it's very strange- I don't mind hugs or whatever, as friends. But then, we DID date for 7 years, so I don't know. We're working on it though. I went out to the bar with everyone thursday night... which turned into a **** storm. Read my latest thread, it wasn't me or my ex that caused the drama, but her ex and my friend did.

 

My friend came crying to me the other day, and told me everything what happened to her. I feel really really badly for her. I told her to go NC many, many times, but she didn't, she, like me, wanted to remain friends. I went NC eventually. I wish I could give her advice, but I don't know much about this stuff. Our situation is very similiar, except that my ex isn't seeing/or sleeping with anyone.

 

 

If you could read the post (I know it's very long) and maybe give some sort of feed back, my friend is desperate for answers.

[KittenMoon]

Not really, in fact, I'm jealous of you. I just hate the confusion that arises from time to time.

 

Yeah but the difference is your ex still wants you, in some fashion, while mine has shown utter indifference romantically, and a "kicked puppy" attitude otherwise. And like a fool in my heart I am still hung up. I wish I didn't need to keep forcing him out of my head, my life, and my heart.

[AriaIncognito]

I think I'm confused by how you're actually feeling towards the ex, silent.

 

It seems like you say you are over him. That you want to continue to move forward. And that's great. However, then you say that you aren't sure if maybe you should see how it goes/wait it out for him, which isn't so great. If you are to be friends with him, and constantly confused by feelings, how great will it really be? i suppose i'm faced with this quandary at present as well, because I dont want to have my ex totally out of my life either, but I know right now, there would be a lot of "what did that look mean" or "does he like me again" and whatnot and that would just not be good.

 

The fact that you ended your post with "God i hope i'm doing the right thing " makes me think maybe you know deep down that you shouldn't be "just friends", that you indeed want more, and by letting him back into your life, you could be causing yourself a lot of confusion. I only say this because I wouldn't want you to further hurt or confuse yourself. It's a tight rope to be on, when you love someone, and they aren't being what you want....

 

Jennifer

[daphne]

Silent,

 

I've followed your posts for a while. I think the friendship is a way to avoid doing the real healing. He misses you and doesn't know what he wants. I don't know many women that have strong enough self esteems to endure a continued back seat position with a guy. He cares about you, but he still doesn't want any commitment with you. He's leaving his options open. I would commend him on his honesty, but he waited quite a long time to tell you so it's a little suspicioius to me. If he didn't tell you to begin with, it's because he didn't really care enough to, imo. It's like he's back pedaling and anything that sounds good will do.

 

I believe had he really wanted to leave the door open he would have told you off the bat that he needed to sort himself out.

 

I just don't want to see you get hurt again. I've been there when my ex was trying to string me along. I imagine him coming back with some hashed up, well thought out lines to tell me why he screwed up. All I need to know is that he was able to walk out of my life for whatever reason.

[silentcharon]

I think I'm confused by how you're actually feeling towards the ex, silent.

 

It seems like you say you are over him. That you want to continue to move forward. And that's great. However, then you say that you aren't sure if maybe you should see how it goes/wait it out for him, which isn't so great. If you are to be friends with him, and constantly confused by feelings, how great will it really be? i suppose i'm faced with this quandary at present as well, because I dont want to have my ex totally out of my life either, but I know right now, there would be a lot of "what did that look mean" or "does he like me again" and whatnot and that would just not be good.

 

The fact that you ended your post with "God i hope i'm doing the right thing " makes me think maybe you know deep down that you shouldn't be "just friends", that you indeed want more, and by letting him back into your life, you could be causing yourself a lot of confusion. I only say this because I wouldn't want you to further hurt or confuse yourself. It's a tight rope to be on, when you love someone, and they aren't being what you want....

 

Jennifer

 

Maybe. Even if he asked me out again, I would say no because I have a lot on my plate right now.

 

So far, he's been asking me to go to places with him, nothing initated on my side. I feel somewhat better, though I do realize this is going to take a lot of work, and well, hopefully it works out in the end, us becoming friends. If we ever became a couple again, it would just be a bonus, but it isn't my goal right now. I think he is kind of coming back though, because he has been commenting on how great I look, and etc, buying me coffee and taking me out for some beer like the old times. It feels like he's kind of courting me.

 

Don't worry, I will keep my guards up, because the whole thing has seriously scarred me. We'll see....

[silentcharon]

Daphne,

 

I disagree- I KNOW he doesn't want to commit, and I am fine with it. I wasn't okay with how he acted around me when we were friends prior to NC. I made it quite clear that I didn't want BS this time. He did tell me he wanted to sort himself out, and the reason why he waited so long was because I went NC and wouldn't speak to him. He told me he wanted to sort himself out, when we broke up, but never told me the reasons until recently.

 

He seems to geninuely want me there still. Like I told Jennifer, it seems like he's courting me, testing where I stand. I won't take that bs. I heard a rumor how he did try dating, but my friends told me he couldn't bring himself to do it. I don't know what that means, and yeah, it kinda hurts, but I'll get over it.

[Guest]

Oh, this story could have been my own!

 

The last time I posted here was October 2004. It was after my boyfriend of five months at the time had broken up with me for the second or third time, for the same reasons your boyfriend broke up with you.

 

I went NC, started to heal, was a student with a full plate just like you.

 

Eventually he and I started talking again, but I played it cool. I was friendly, but calm and didn't push him.

 

After four weeks he said almost the exact same things to me that your ex said to you.

 

I proceeded very, very cautiously, letting him initiate everything.

 

I'll skip ahead to make a long story short. Next month will be our 2.5 year anniversary, and we're planning what we want to do at our wedding reception.

[johnnytable]

Let me see here.

 

He didn't want a relationship with you because of the "crap in his life." The stuff like paying off debt and thinking about school. These are just excuses. If he really wanted to be in a relationship, he would not let money problems, school, or anything else that is "normal" keep you away from him. These sort of things will be there forever. The real reason (in my opinion) that he does not want to be with you is that he does not want to be with you regardless of the reasons.

 

Sure this is hard to swallow, but it is probably the truth. Let me tell you another thing, there are millions of other people in the world that don't want to be with you either, so he isn't special in that regard either.

 

Then there are the potential millions of people that *do* want to be with you. Yay! Go find one of them!

 

What can you really get out of this "friendship", besides drama, that you cannot get from a normal friend? How can you possibly heal by staying his friend when you aren't over him? You will be waiting for him without even realizing it.

 

Sure he feels bad. Sure he misses you and likes your company. Sure he wants to keep you around while he "figures things out." This is all fine and dandy, and it is HIS problem to deal with. This is not for you to deal with. You have yourself to work on now. You get to go find somebody that already knows themselves and can be a good partner for you.

 

A person will "promise" to be your friend, knowing that they can keep you around and potentially rope you back in when they want to. It's a lot easier than completely losing the other person and then having to find somebody new. Making an ex your "friend", so close to a breakup (I would say that anything under 1-2 years is close) is questionable unless you weren't really close to begin with.

 

You really need to look at yourself and figure out the true reason why you are doing this. If you knew, you wouldn't be posting about it here (Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you are posting).

[silentcharon]

Let me see here.

 

You really need to look at yourself and figure out the true reason why you are doing this. If you knew, you wouldn't be posting about it here (Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you are posting).

 

Yep...... it's something that I'm not really worried about right now. In fact, it's the very least thing on my mind right now- I honestly don't care anymore. If it works out, great, if it doesn't, oh well, the very least we can do is know that we tried.

 

Besides it helps that I'm KINDA seeing someone now.....

[johnnytable]

Yep...... it's something that I'm not really worried about right now. In fact, it's the very least thing on my mind right now- I honestly don't care anymore. If it works out, great, if it doesn't, oh well, the very least we can do is know that we tried.

 

Besides it helps that I'm KINDA seeing someone now.....

 

If it was the very least thing on your mind then you wouldn't be here. Why are you considering this if you are seeing somebody new? You mentioned that if you got back together it would be a "bonus". This means that it would be good. This means that in the back of your mind you probably want it. I just don't get the impression that you are over this person (seeing somebody new does NOT mean you that you are over somebody) and therefore question the "being friends" part.

[silentcharon]

If it was the very least thing on your mind then you wouldn't be here. Why are you considering this if you are seeing somebody new? You mentioned that if you got back together it would be a "bonus". This means that it would be good. This means that in the back of your mind you probably want it. I just don't get the impression that you are over this person (seeing somebody new does NOT mean you that you are over somebody) and therefore question the "being friends" part.

 

So what? It is still important to me- hell I was with my ex for 7 years. I reached my enough is enough point a long time ago- I am done with my ex. I know I keep writing about him, it's because he was a important part of my life- and still is, to an extent.

 

I don't think I will truly be over him, he was my first love and everything, he will always have a place in my heart. But it doesn't mean I can't try seeing someone else, just because I'm not completely over him- I KNOW it didn't work, and won't, and I've accepted that. I honestly feel that I don't have anything to lose from this however it goes down- I've been upfront with both guys. I'll update.

[daphne]

So what? It is still important to me- hell I was with my ex for 7 years.

 

You asked for input. He gave it. It sounds like you're in denial. If you don't want to hear people's honest opinion, maybe you shouldn't ask.