Wife Changed

[Unhappy Hubby]

I don't know what to do. My wife is not affectionate toward me anymore, and is constantly upset with me over the smallest things. She has told me that I am a great husband and that she feels lucky, but she doesn't show that with her actions. I go out of my way to make her know how I feel about her. I plan surprises for her, send her roses at work from time to time and I am very affectionate toward her. I am not satisfied with our sex life and have told her about it in a tactful manner on several occasions. Each time she tells me that she realizes that there is a problem and will try to work at it, but she never does. She is only affectionate when we are around her family, specifically her sisters, whom she is constantly competing with (all of them are like that, even though they won't admit it).

 

She also gets upset with me quite often over what I think are little things (I promise I am being realistic and they are minor things). She doesn't really yell or complain, but she has an obvious change in demeanor and attitude, but when I say something about it it triggers an argument. I have seriously considered leaving on two occasions now, but I do love her and want to make it work. Can anyone give some advice?

[Gunny376]

How old are you?

How old is she?

How long have you been together?

How long have you been married?

Have you ever cheated on her?

Has she ever cheated on you?

Is this a sudden thing, or has it been building for a prolonged period of time?

Does she have a stressfull job?

Do you have a stressful job?

Do you or she work long hours?

Do you have children? How old are they?

[Shovelack]

...there is something - much - that she is not telling you. It could be something horrible for you, her, or both of you. But that type of behavior to me indicates that there is a break in the communication bond between you and when that happens, it surfaces in unkind ways. It's as if a smoke screen is created to get you to look elsewhere when the answer is right in front of you.

[Gunny376]

...there is something - much - that she is not telling you. It could be something horrible for you, her, or both of you. But that type of behavior to me indicates that there is a break in the communication bond between you and when that happens, it surfaces in unkind ways. It's as if a smoke screen is created to get you to look elsewhere when the answer is right in front of you.

 

 

I agree ~ that's why I asked for more details

[Guest]

Exactly. The Only Way To Repair The Line Of Communication That Is Damaged Is For Both To Step Up To The Plate And Repair It - In Person. My Only Other Comment Is That, People Should Know That There Is Nothing, And I Mean Nothing Someone Can Do That Is So Horrible Enuff To Prevent Communication. Except Death - Lol. Personally, There Is Nothing Someone Could Tell Me That Would Scare Me, Or Damage Me. Sometimes People Underestimate The Strength Of Others.

[norajane]

I'm sorry to say it, but when I've been like that with someone, it's because I've fallen out of love...lost that lovin' feeling. I was never affectionate with him anymore when that happened. Under no circumstances could I bring myself to be affectionate, and everything he did would bug me.

 

Get to some marriage counseling together and fast.

[Guest]

I'm sorry to say it, but when I've been like that with someone, it's because I've fallen out of love...lost that lovin' feeling. I was never affectionate with him anymore when that happened. Under no circumstances could I bring myself to be affectionate, and everything he did would bug me.

 

Get to some marriage counseling together and fast.

 

 

MY 2 CENTS - WHEN SOMEONE FALLS OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU, IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOU DO THE SAME THING. AND ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. HAPPENED TO ME. NOW IF I EVER BUMPED INTO AN EX, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY WEIRD FEELINGS BECAUSE WHEN BOTH HAVE REMOVED [THAT WHAT HAPPENS - YOU REMOVE IT] THEN ITS NOT A BIG DEAL ANYMORE. AT LEAST, THAT'S HOW IT IS FER ME.

[Unhappy Hubby]

I don't know what to do. My wife is not affectionate toward me anymore, and is constantly upset with me over the smallest things. She has told me that I am a great husband and that she feels lucky, but she doesn't show that with her actions. I go out of my way to make her know how I feel about her. I plan surprises for her, send her roses at work from time to time and I am very affectionate toward her. I am not satisfied with our sex life and have told her about it in a tactful manner on several occasions. Each time she tells me that she realizes that there is a problem and will try to work at it, but she never does. She is only affectionate when we are around her family, specifically her sisters, whom she is constantly competing with (all of them are like that, even though they won't admit it).

 

She also gets upset with me quite often over what I think are little things (I promise I am being realistic and they are minor things). She doesn't really yell or complain, but she has an obvious change in demeanor and attitude, but when I say something about it it triggers an argument. I have seriously considered leaving on two occasions now, but I do love her and want to make it work. Can anyone give some advice?

 

Sorry, there were some things that I left out in my original post. We are both 29 years old and have been married for a little over three years now. This is the first marriage for both of us, and neither one of us have children. We were trying to have children, but she had a miscarriage earlier this year, two months into the pregnancy, and I'm sure that it had an emotional impact on her. When that happened I stayed home from a work related training that I had been trying to get into for several years, but I thought being there for her was far more important.

 

I have a relatively stressful job and I also work a lot of overtime. I'm sure that contributes to some of the conflict in the home. She used to have a very stressful job and things were far worse then. Things got a lot better when she started her new, low stress job last year, but things are still not as good as they could be.

 

I have never cheated on her, even though I have had a couple of opportunities, but I didn't do it because I know that it would completely destroy any chance of improving our marriage. I'm 99% sure that she has never cheated on me (I've heard too many horror stories of blindsided men to make it 100%).

 

I hope that answers some of the questions you had. Again, thank you for your input.

[Gunny376]

norajaneI'm sorry to say it, but when I've been like that with someone, it's because I've fallen out of love...lost that lovin' feeling. I was never affectionate with him anymore when that happened. Under no circumstances could I bring myself to be affectionate, and everything he did would bug me.

 

Get to some marriage counseling together and fast.

 

We were trying to have children, but she had a miscarriage earlier this year, two months into the pregnancy, and I'm sure that it had an emotional impact on her.

 

I have a relatively stressful job and I also work a lot of overtime. I'm sure that contributes to some of the conflict in the home. She used to have a very stressful job and things were far worse then.

 

"D"' answer as in all of the above. The only difference between this scenario and the Titantic is the Titantic had a band playing as she went under.

 

There's a definate possibility that you've might have caught it soon enough, another three to six months to a year you'll be hearing the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you!" bit. She's proabally not cheated but she's probally has had opportunties as well and it may have crossed her mind.

 

Get yea to marriage couseling, and if she won't go ~ go yourself. Then going to Marriagebuilders.com and start learning all the stuff they didn't teach you in school, and church that you needed to know before you said "I's Do!"

 

You definately need to start working on your communication within the marraige, and get her to open up about (slow and easy, and steady ~ no stress, low stress) what the issue are, (Its you and the marriage dummy!) More than likely your either (a) not meeting her emotional needs (big one with women ~ you as a man probally didn't even know you had any!) and you might want to rexamine if your meeting her other needs, (financial, and division of labor) There are inventories that you can't take at Marriagebuilders.com for both you and her.

 

I would highly recommend that you get Dave Ramesy's latest book about personal and family finances. Have a one-year contingency fund (emergency) fund and the wifey going to bed each night not worrying about money and finances is a biggee with women. For many women this is a big hugh stressor in their lives.

 

I would also check out Romance 101 (its more than the title implies) and 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, and 1001 More Ways To Be Romantic, along with Goggling Light Her Fire.

 

Don't go over-board, too much too soon, nice, slow and steady ~ and balanced. And, for the Love of God don't go wussy,needy, whinny, crying, clingy on her either ~ that'll drive out the door quicker than anything.

 

See ilmw thread, keep reading and posting here at LS.

[a4a]

She also gets upset with me quite often over what I think are little things (I promise I am being realistic and they are minor things).

 

A. Your perception is probably different than hers as to what is minor or major.

 

You forget to take the trash out and that may send her a message of : I don't care about you! Something that minor (trash) can be a mountain to her. (I don't care about you)

 

B. she could be completely angry over something entirely different then the minor thing and is so angry she uses that opp. to release the anger at that moment.

 

TALK TO HER...... not just how was your day..... really talk to her ask her what is important to her.

[Loserdude]

...but sort of off topic. Has anyone read "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage" ??? Google that. It is a brilliantly simple article. I really think it's good. In fact, I am going to start a thread on that.

[Rooster_DAR]

Wife Changed

 

Find one that does'nt. :laugh:

[magda]

We were trying to have children, but she had a miscarriage earlier this year, two months into the pregnancy, and I'm sure that it had an emotional impact on her. When that happened I stayed home from a work related training that I had been trying to get into for several years, but I thought being there for her was far more important.

Something about the way you phrased this rang alarm bells with me. Are you guessing that this had an emotional impact on her or have you discussed it and when or whether you'll try again? You gave up this training to be there "for her"... what about you? Did you not share in her grief of this loss? I may be jumping the gun, but I am feeling that you and your wife do not communicate well on an emotional level. The picking about little things is something I have done in past relationships when things were on there way out but I still hadn't let go. You may be able to save this if you can learn to talk on a deeper level.

[behonest63]

When I was in this same situation, I know realize I was trying to hard in the wrong ways--Dont do the easy things and dont pressure her...try giving her nice kisses, rubbing her back, massaging her feet and dont buy things or try to jump straight into sex that isnt what this is about, I dont believe...now if she could talk and really feels she doesnt love you anymore then okay--but if your trying to repair this it has to be from the heart, she has to feel you mean it and your not just trying to get sex or whatever your looking for....asking her what she wants may not work and it may just push you farther apart....give her what other women always complain about not getting, honest sincere affection, go to a movie, kiss her, rub her, sleep close to her and dont force it or pressure her...set your needs aside for awhile and see if that makes a difference....how long dont know its up to you...but one week is not enough....try this for a few weeks and if she doesnt notice the change or she doesnt return the sincere honest open no pressuring love, then you may have a bigger problem that may need counseling with her or you may not be able to fix it.

[PoshPrincess]

It sounds like you've both been through a lot what with the miscarriage but what you really must do is TALK to each other. Get her to open up and tell you how she feels and you do the same. If that doesn't work, maybe try some counselling together.

 

One thing you need to make sure you DON'T do though is to get upset when she tells you how she does (or doesn't feel). I was unhappy with my partner of 8 years (and father of my son) and eventually told him how I felt. He got so upset that I ended up backtracking and saying, "..but I'm sure everything will be fine", etc. We both buried our heads in the sand, I ended up cheating (luckily he never found out) and realised that I couldn't carry on pretending anymore. I knew I would cheat again which of course would have been totally unfair on him, to say the least. Unfortunately it was too late for us. 8 months later we split up. It had gone beyond me even wanting it to work. Don't let that happen to you!!!!!