Confussed, sorta

[darclegion]

Ok, Ill make this brief. Me and my girl met, dated a while, then moved in. There was no problems, ofcourse, she moved from another city, and it took time to find a good job, meanwhile she got in debt, and just kinda got a little depressed. But she finally has a great job, back on top of her debt, and is happy with herself.

 

WEve been together for 18 monthes. In that time, weve barely argued. However, she got so addicted to playing a online game, everynight, to the point, we never went out, did anything, she always came to bed late....and she really was playing a game....nothing else.

 

Even her friends got mad at her, because she stopped talking to everyone...the game was all she seemed to care about. I never really said anything but after awhile, it started to really bother me, but I never said anything...because, its just a game. Well, in the beginning her best friends told me she was a very obessive person.

 

Keep in mind she paints and is an artists...and her past marriage, part of the reason was because she was so obsessed in painting...they grew apart. Its her personality, and I excepted it....shes not painted at all...the game became all she did.

 

We never really had problems...except now I realize...we never did anything....and she knows shes to blame for that.

Well...I have another career that just started and i had to go away for 7 weeks, but the few days before I left, I was stressed about doing a good job, getting everything ready for the trip, etc...then on top of things my best friends were talking about me behind my back, because of me joking around with them...etc...they ended up really hurting my feelings, and the day it happened I came home mad...and started yelling about it all.

 

And I let out my frustrations about here, while i was mad...and I said things I didnt mean such as " you never help out with money, I feel your using me, I think you take me for granted, but really mad when I said them.

 

I left a few days later, we had made up. But now I know...she was very hurt by my anger....she told me that her dad yelled at her mom, and she said she would never be in a relationship with some one angry. I understood what she meant. I didnt realize I had hurt her so bad..and didnt know until 4 weeks later, on the phone.

 

I sensed something was wrong. I have a worrying disorder, so I started thinking stupid things, like shes cheating, she doesnt love me...all those kinda insecure thoughts...and I keep talking about my concerns, but she always told me, that she loved me, and everything is ok.

now about my past marriage, my ex-wife left me for another woman...some I sensiive about that.

 

Well, I didnt mean to offend her, while me and my friends made some gay jokes...harmlesss, but I can see how it would offend someone that was gay...such as my girlfriend, she used to be gay...or as she puts it, you can turn off the switch. I didnt realize I offened her about that, the same night I was mad. I did take it the wrong way first, thinking she was going to be unfaithful...but eventually I understood, I just hurt her feelings, and I sinserly apologized, and she was very happy I did.

 

So in that same conversation, she brought up about slowing down on getting marriage, because she getting back into her art work again, and wanted to know if I could handle her painting long hours, etc...because she knows shes obessive about it...its part of her life, something she wants to do again....and ofcourse I told her, I support her, etc...ofcourse.

 

I want her to achieve her goals in life. But it bothered me that she would even questioned it, because I let her play her game for so long and never complained out loud...painting is different, its constructive....and she was depressed because she was having a painters block, etc....and she admited that her game playing was controlling her life, and shes wanting to take back her life and paint. Hell yea, Im glad for that.

 

But the thing is, shes been upset for weeks about my temper that night, it really scared her she says, and I understand.

 

Well, i get back a few days ago, wanting to do the things we talked about, setting a day out for us, spending a little time each night together, but I said, dont put me on a shelf, you can do whatever you want, just remember not to get over obsessed and put me on a shelf.

 

Everything seems good, i just felt she was hiding something...so yesterday I came home and we talked, she went over how she felt bad about hurting me, while she was so addicted to her games, and put me on a shelf, and wants to spend more time together. i think shes just afraid that I wont let her have time to paint, because she knows she so obessive....so she made me know that painting is her life. She even went to say what if I love my art more than you.

 

I said, well, if thats the case, maybe we shouldnt be together, but she doesnt want to leave, and she says she loves me....so I ask what are you afraid of? Me leaving you, because of your obessive behavior....and I got a yes. But still, she was holding back...and i said are you afraid of falling out of love with me, down the road, and she said yes.

 

Then I told her, well maybe she should go then...and she said that hurt her, etc....at that point...I said lets stop this and get happy again, and work on the stuff we need to work on...and be happy again...and slowly she got happy, and we had a great evening...and for once we talked and were happy again.

Here is what I think......

 

 

My temper caused a crack in the foundation....I read up on what someone fells when being yelled out. I made here feel most likely I was trying to control her, leachter her, and the fact that its a sensitive issue...plus for weeks, Ive been constantly talking about it on the phone....I was severly homesick and worried....so I think she finally just got tired of it. I was happy but still hung up on the words " Im scared I will fall out of love with you"...but how can you love me now? and why do you want to stay...she says because she loves me, and thinks we can work things out...

 

I think that actions speak louder than words, and that me just talking to her when I have a problem, vis versa, not getting mad, and thinking about my feelings, is what she wants...just scared that I will get mad again, plus shes comparing her last marriage, and worring about the same thing happening now...and Im doing the same thing, being insecure, because Ive been cheated on, everytime I went away for awhile, and left by my ex-wife for another woman....so we are doing the same thing comparing our past to one another, which we both agreed, we need to stop.

 

From now on, we are going to do things together, and make our love blossom, I love her so much, I just want it to work. I know she wants it to work too, and I really believe she loves me still and now....I just put a crack in the foundation with my anger. And I think those words of "Im afraid of falling out of love down the road", is because shes uncertain about me keeping my word, and maybe worried shes going to mess it up herself, with here obessive behavior. Thing is im obessive myself.

We have so much in common, and we do talk more than I lead on, and weve been so happy.

 

I think that we are on the right path, and Im realizing that it takes work to keep a love growing. I just fell off the path, and so did she, but we both agreed, its worth fight for.

 

tom

 

sorry it took so long....long story.

[norajane]

So you lost your temper once after bottling up all your feelings about how she'd been treating you, and now she's telling you that it's very likely she'll treat you exactly that way again only not because of a game, but because of her painting. And you're going to be afraid of ever losing your temper again for the rest of your life because of her reaction, so you're going to keep everything bottled up some more?

 

What's going to happen when you start to feel she's using you again? That she's putting you on a shelf again? That she's taking you for granted again?

 

Because you will feel those feelings again. Even though she's sorry now and promised not to put you on a shelf, she's also pretty much told you that she will because of her painting. And maybe she'll get painter's block again and start playing a game or start doing something else obssessively.

 

You two need to start going to some counseling now. So she can address her obssessive compulsive personality issues so you can feel confident she's not going to abandon you to something she loves more than you. And so she can feel comfortable that your anger isn't out of control and you're not going to turn into her parents.

[tikigods]

One problem I think you guys are going to continue to have is that you kept all of your emotions bottled up until you got to a breaking point. You need to tell her when she is being obessed with what she is doing, and you need to make sure that she isn't just walking all over you. Is she paying for anything? Or does she have free room and board from you? If thats the case and she has a job thats not fair to you in anyway. Love is more then just hanging out with eachother, as you both should know, its about communicating with eachother when things are bothering you, as well as being partners. If one argument can cause this much trouble between the two of you you both need to step back and ask yourselves why.

[alphamale]

Ok, Ill make this brief..

[darclegion]

Thank you for the relpies. I agree, I think an issue is, shes afraid I will react to her obessive behavior in the same way again, in the same way. And that is a legit fear, I mean, Im the one that lashed out. But I will be respectful of her feelings, and instead of holding in, use another approach, such as Commonly express my concerns, instead of using my loud mouth.

 

Two wrongs dont make a right. Communication is the key, and we do have good communication, i guess, I just didnt keep my head. I was mad at someone else, and it just came out when i was mad. I will not try to change her personality, I except it and will talk about issues than running my mouth. I will learn from my mistake.

 

Nobody is perfect, so I choose to be with her, because, honestly, Ive never loved anyone this much before, and shes my angel. She just wrote me and told me how much fun she had last night, and that she feels good and secure again, and wants to go foward, and looks foward to spending more time together.

 

Ive learned, just by reading articles, more about myself, and how anger can effect another persons feelings. I plan to be respectul of her love for art, which I am very much so. We are going to have the weekends for ourself every weekend, to go out and do things together, and spend a little while with each other, before we go off and do our own things. This was what the problem was, we were not doing this, and this is what makes people grow apart. Nothing is gauranteed to be forever, but if you want that and work on making it everlasting, and you both want it enough, you can get thru anything.

 

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them. And they made me think, and kinda put things in better perspective.

T

[Sand&Water]

Darclegion,

 

I take it you and her are in your early to mid-thirties. You: having come from a broken marriage and; Her: having, also, come from a broken marriage.

 

This is, enough, evidence to suggest you and her are no longer adolescents, but grown adults. Therefore both of you should behave like adults, and stop the childish game playing.

 

Your girlfriend, is not acting maturely at all. A grown adult -who has financial and personal responsibilities -would not spend countless hours playing a game, and not attend to her career and boyfriend.

 

My temper caused a crack in the foundation.

 

You think, that this is the main reason as to why the foundation is unstable. No. It is not about your temper.

 

She is leading you to believe that you, must, compromise to her standards. She, definitely, succeeded in controling and bringing your thoughts/opinions to her side.

 

I will say this: It was out-of-line for you to yell, and shout to her, like you did. Women should not be treated like, a sounding board. Furthermore, it was wrong of her to neglect the issues -at hand -and only focus on achieving her "Happy State".

 

I recommend, you lay out the law; your standards. The lack of communication will worsen with time. Inform her, that her ways must change in order for the relationship to progress, normally. You should, also work on not abandoning important issues that could cause damage to the relationship. Maturity is key, for any relationship to survive.

 

When you do not work on maintaining a solid relationship -it is almost always likely the entire foundation will come tumbling down on you.

 

Best of Luck,

Sand&Water