Devastated and confused. Please help!

[Richard Polk]

Hello everyone!

 

I am in a unique predicament that has left me so hurt and confused that I need your input to show me the right way.

 

I have been in a relationship with a beautiful woman (let's call her, Jill) for over three years. Over this time period I stood like a rock behind Jill. When she broke her right arm (due to a DWI) and lost her job in its aftermath instead of leaving her (our relationship was only three days old) I would cook for her and took care of her - financially and emotionally - for the next four months.

 

As time went on I kept on helping her as a token of love. You see, Jill does not make enough money; so she is financially struggling consistently. I decided to help her due to my appreciation for her. In the over three years of relationship I have given her more than $20,000 towards help.

 

Over the last three years, I have admired Jill for her personality and deeply cared for her. Inspite of the mutual love that we shared during the same period Jill had lied to me on many occassions (e.g., she had college education whereas she later confessed that she never went to college, she verbally abused me on many occasions with profanity, I was initially told of one DWI whereas the event was the second DWI etc.). As a very compassionate individual I overlooked these painful incidents and kept loving her without any reservations.

 

Unfortunately, the recent event has sent me in a tailspin.

 

On September 17, I got a call from Jill at around midnight. She was crying. I panicked and went to see her at her apartment. She told me that there was a guest at her apartment party who made sexual advances at her and it terrified her. She affirmed her love for me. I expressely asked her if there was any sex involved. Her firm answer was no.

 

Later that night she informed me that on September 7, she was arrested for damaging the property of man she has been seeing. I was shocked to hear all this because Jill never told me the existence of other man (named Forrest) in her life while we were still together. However, she strongly denied any sexual liason. Regardless I was hurt by dishonesty and betrayal. I left her place with a very heavy heart.

 

Next morning I called Jill and asked her how she was feeling. During the conversation I was told that she had been sleeping with Forrest for about three weeks. She also informed me that it was Forrest who was at the party last night. I went into an emotional trauma but kept my composure and cool.

 

Later on she mentioned that she loved me the most and would like to get back into my life. I suggested that this event is the worst that could happen to any relationship. However, if she wanted to change and correct her ways I would support her in that process. As far as relationship was concerned only time would tell as I didn't know what to feel. She promised that she was not seeing the other man any more and it was over.

 

I also suggested her that we should to go to church and ask for God's forgiveness in showing her the right path. Jill agreed and we prayed at a church where she asked God to give her the strength as she only loved me and no one else. We also lit a candle.

 

The following Saturday, September 25 Jill suggested that after seeing a movie with one of her girlfriends she will call me and come on over to stay with me following days. I said that would be fine.

 

After working for over four hours on a research paper that Saturday, I decided to go for a drive that evening on my own as Jill had supposedly left for movie. I do not know what came into my head and drove past the ghetto neighborhood where Forrest lived. You can understand the degree of HURT and PAIN when I saw Jill's car parked behind his truck. I could not understand how could she still do it to me after all the promises to me and God.

 

So I stopped at his place and requested to talk to Jill. Her lover, Forrest, said she did not want to see me. However I as emotionally spinning and wanted to confront Jill. I called for Jill very politely while standing outside the building. Forrest called the cops. When cops arrived they were very respectful to me and felt extremely sympathetic to my predicament. They forced the guy to open the door. After a minute Jill came out and told me (in the presence of two cops) that she wanted to be with Forrest and she was sorry that she could not tell me. I was shocked but kept my composure very cool and civilized. I only said that her behavior is a disgrace to women but I wished her all the best regadless. And left.

 

After a two days, at around 1:00AM I got a call from Jill who was very angry because her car was just vandalized outside Forrest's place. She accused me that they both saw me doing it. The fact of the matter is that I was never there and aggression is never a part of my nature; otherwise I would have left her longtime ago despite her lies and deceptions.

 

I was extremely hurt adn became suicidal. But I kept my calm and with the help of my friends slowly regained some of my composure. Needless to say I have a long way to go in the recovery because everyting is so fresh and painful for all the sacrifices and help I provided in this more than 3 years of relationship.

 

Now here comes the confusion. Jill now desperately wants to get back with me. She appears to be very remorseful and apologetic. She has promised never to lie and be dishonest again. I am very skeptical because I have heard it all before.

 

She asks for forgiveness and requests me to give her time to make it up.

 

I do not know what to do and feel! I keep visualizing her making love to Forrest while she was perfectly fooling me all that time.

 

Could anyone please help me see the light? Please be frank. Should I just forget Jill or give her a chance and see how it goes? But then again, what if it happens again. Then I would have wasted my time not to mention multiply the heartache.

 

You can reply to me privately by e-mail if you prefer. My address is: <e-mail address removed>

 

I sincerely thank you for reading this long account but I hope it has helped you gather my situation better.

 

May God bless you!

[odyne]

This is a complex situation and I don't usually respond with this much direct opinion but here goes. I think you shouldn't get back together with this girl. She hurt and lied to you repeatedly and it sounds like you deserve more than that. This may seem like a weird question but it makes me wonder, has she had any mental problems in the past? She sounds almost like a bi-polar or severly depressed person. If she is a heavy alcohol abuser that may explain some of her behavior also. You have put a lot into trying to have a relationship with her, and unless she really shows that she's willing to go at least 50-50 on it with NO lies, then I would say that you should walk away and not involve yourself with her again. I know you care about her, or did, but make sure and take care of yourself. Your feelings and emotions are just as important as hers and unless you see major changes, look out for yourself. Take care, maybe you'll find someone who is receptive to your time and energy and loves you back the way you deserve.

 

Bonne chance,

 

Odyne

[happy girl]

Get over it. You sound like a decent, smart person who knows there is more to life than deception. It is hard to move on from a relationship that you have spent so much time in and given so much of yourself for, I know I've been there. But things do get better. You will come to see that this relationship was just one neccesary step towards becoming the kind of person that you are destined to be. Try to look at it as a time to focus on all of the things you didn't have time for while you were focusing so much attention on her. The best way to get over her is to end ALL contact with her for at least a few months. Let's face it anyone who would dump you for a hood rat isn't worth your time anyway. You know you can do better, so do it.

 

GOOD LUCK!

Hello everyone! I am in a unique predicament that has left me so hurt and confused that I need your input to show me the right way. I have been in a relationship with a beautiful woman (let's call her, Jill) for over three years. Over this time period I stood like a rock behind Jill. When she broke her right arm (due to a DWI) and lost her job in its aftermath instead of leaving her (our relationship was only three days old) I would cook for her and took care of her - financially and emotionally - for the next four months. As time went on I kept on helping her as a token of love. You see, Jill does not make enough money; so she is financially struggling consistently. I decided to help her due to my appreciation for her. In the over three years of relationship I have given her more than $20,000 towards help.

 

Over the last three years, I have admired Jill for her personality and deeply cared for her. Inspite of the mutual love that we shared during the same period Jill had lied to me on many occassions (e.g., she had college education whereas she later confessed that she never went to college, she verbally abused me on many occasions with profanity, I was initially told of one DWI whereas the event was the second DWI etc.). As a very compassionate individual I overlooked these painful incidents and kept loving her without any reservations. Unfortunately, the recent event has sent me in a tailspin. On September 17, I got a call from Jill at around midnight. She was crying. I panicked and went to see her at her apartment. She told me that there was a guest at her apartment party who made sexual advances at her and it terrified her. She affirmed her love for me. I expressely asked her if there was any sex involved. Her firm answer was no. Later that night she informed me that on September 7, she was arrested for damaging the property of man she has been seeing. I was shocked to hear all this because Jill never told me the existence of other man (named Forrest) in her life while we were still together. However, she strongly denied any sexual liason. Regardless I was hurt by dishonesty and betrayal. I left her place with a very heavy heart. Next morning I called Jill and asked her how she was feeling. During the conversation I was told that she had been sleeping with Forrest for about three weeks. She also informed me that it was Forrest who was at the party last night. I went into an emotional trauma but kept my composure and cool. Later on she mentioned that she loved me the most and would like to get back into my life. I suggested that this event is the worst that could happen to any relationship. However, if she wanted to change and correct her ways I would support her in that process. As far as relationship was concerned only time would tell as I didn't know what to feel. She promised that she was not seeing the other man any more and it was over.

 

I also suggested her that we should to go to church and ask for God's forgiveness in showing her the right path. Jill agreed and we prayed at a church where she asked God to give her the strength as she only loved me and no one else. We also lit a candle. The following Saturday, September 25 Jill suggested that after seeing a movie with one of her girlfriends she will call me and come on over to stay with me following days. I said that would be fine. After working for over four hours on a research paper that Saturday, I decided to go for a drive that evening on my own as Jill had supposedly left for movie. I do not know what came into my head and drove past the ghetto neighborhood where Forrest lived. You can understand the degree of HURT and PAIN when I saw Jill's car parked behind his truck. I could not understand how could she still do it to me after all the promises to me and God. So I stopped at his place and requested to talk to Jill. Her lover, Forrest, said she did not want to see me. However I as emotionally spinning and wanted to confront Jill. I called for Jill very politely while standing outside the building. Forrest called the cops. When cops arrived they were very respectful to me and felt extremely sympathetic to my predicament. They forced the guy to open the door. After a minute Jill came out and told me (in the presence of two cops) that she wanted to be with Forrest and she was sorry that she could not tell me. I was shocked but kept my composure very cool and civilized. I only said that her behavior is a disgrace to women but I wished her all the best regadless. And left. After a two days, at around 1:00AM I got a call from Jill who was very angry because her car was just vandalized outside Forrest's place. She accused me that they both saw me doing it. The fact of the matter is that I was never there and aggression is never a part of my nature; otherwise I would have left her longtime ago despite her lies and deceptions. I was extremely hurt adn became suicidal. But I kept my calm and with the help of my friends slowly regained some of my composure. Needless to say I have a long way to go in the recovery because everyting is so fresh and painful for all the sacrifices and help I provided in this more than 3 years of relationship. Now here comes the confusion. Jill now desperately wants to get back with me. She appears to be very remorseful and apologetic. She has promised never to lie and be dishonest again. I am very skeptical because I have heard it all before. She asks for forgiveness and requests me to give her time to make it up. I do not know what to do and feel! I keep visualizing her making love to Forrest while she was perfectly fooling me all that time. Could anyone please help me see the light? Please be frank. Should I just forget Jill or give her a chance and see how it goes? But then again, what if it happens again. Then I would have wasted my time not to mention multiply the heartache. You can reply to me privately by e-mail if you prefer. My address is: <e-mail address removed> I sincerely thank you for reading this long account but I hope it has helped you gather my situation better. May God bless you!

[Re: Should I be concerned?]

I agree with Odyne. This situation is extremely complex and I seethat it is causing you way too much trauma and grief. This women does sound as if she's suffering from a possible mood disorder, and the DWI only confirms my suspicions...people suffering from mood disorders like bipolar/unipolar depression often have problems with substance abuse.

 

I hesitate to say that she has a personality disorder, which is more sever and more difficult to treat. She does soundlike she comulsively lies.

 

Unfortunately, there's not much more you can do to help her. SHe must first recognize that she has a problem and then seek help for herself. If you really care about her, you could recommend that she see a therapist (there are always programs for those not financially able to seek private therapy) or go to group therapy. But do not become involved ina romantic relationship with this woman again. She is seriously ill and unable to deal with the rigors of emotional commitment.

[jen]

I think that you have been taken advantage of far too long. You sound like you are deserving of someone who will treat you as you treat them. This woman Jill has taken too much from you already. She is a liar and most likely will always be a liar. She doesn't deserve you! I say forget her and concentrate on letting yourself meet a real woman, one who will love you back and not lie to you. Don't let yourself go back to her or you will be in for more hurting.

 

She obviously has A LOT of growing up to do still. God bless you!! and the best of luck!!!

Hello everyone! I am in a unique predicament that has left me so hurt and confused that I need your input to show me the right way. I have been in a relationship with a beautiful woman (let's call her, Jill) for over three years. Over this time period I stood like a rock behind Jill. When she broke her right arm (due to a DWI) and lost her job in its aftermath instead of leaving her (our relationship was only three days old) I would cook for her and took care of her - financially and emotionally - for the next four months. As time went on I kept on helping her as a token of love. You see, Jill does not make enough money; so she is financially struggling consistently. I decided to help her due to my appreciation for her. In the over three years of relationship I have given her more than $20,000 towards help.

 

Over the last three years, I have admired Jill for her personality and deeply cared for her. Inspite of the mutual love that we shared during the same period Jill had lied to me on many occassions (e.g., she had college education whereas she later confessed that she never went to college, she verbally abused me on many occasions with profanity, I was initially told of one DWI whereas the event was the second DWI etc.). As a very compassionate individual I overlooked these painful incidents and kept loving her without any reservations. Unfortunately, the recent event has sent me in a tailspin. On September 17, I got a call from Jill at around midnight. She was crying. I panicked and went to see her at her apartment. She told me that there was a guest at her apartment party who made sexual advances at her and it terrified her. She affirmed her love for me. I expressely asked her if there was any sex involved. Her firm answer was no. Later that night she informed me that on September 7, she was arrested for damaging the property of man she has been seeing. I was shocked to hear all this because Jill never told me the existence of other man (named Forrest) in her life while we were still together. However, she strongly denied any sexual liason. Regardless I was hurt by dishonesty and betrayal. I left her place with a very heavy heart. Next morning I called Jill and asked her how she was feeling. During the conversation I was told that she had been sleeping with Forrest for about three weeks. She also informed me that it was Forrest who was at the party last night. I went into an emotional trauma but kept my composure and cool. Later on she mentioned that she loved me the most and would like to get back into my life. I suggested that this event is the worst that could happen to any relationship. However, if she wanted to change and correct her ways I would support her in that process. As far as relationship was concerned only time would tell as I didn't know what to feel. She promised that she was not seeing the other man any more and it was over.

 

I also suggested her that we should to go to church and ask for God's forgiveness in showing her the right path. Jill agreed and we prayed at a church where she asked God to give her the strength as she only loved me and no one else. We also lit a candle. The following Saturday, September 25 Jill suggested that after seeing a movie with one of her girlfriends she will call me and come on over to stay with me following days. I said that would be fine. After working for over four hours on a research paper that Saturday, I decided to go for a drive that evening on my own as Jill had supposedly left for movie. I do not know what came into my head and drove past the ghetto neighborhood where Forrest lived. You can understand the degree of HURT and PAIN when I saw Jill's car parked behind his truck. I could not understand how could she still do it to me after all the promises to me and God. So I stopped at his place and requested to talk to Jill. Her lover, Forrest, said she did not want to see me. However I as emotionally spinning and wanted to confront Jill. I called for Jill very politely while standing outside the building. Forrest called the cops. When cops arrived they were very respectful to me and felt extremely sympathetic to my predicament. They forced the guy to open the door. After a minute Jill came out and told me (in the presence of two cops) that she wanted to be with Forrest and she was sorry that she could not tell me. I was shocked but kept my composure very cool and civilized. I only said that her behavior is a disgrace to women but I wished her all the best regadless. And left. After a two days, at around 1:00AM I got a call from Jill who was very angry because her car was just vandalized outside Forrest's place. She accused me that they both saw me doing it. The fact of the matter is that I was never there and aggression is never a part of my nature; otherwise I would have left her longtime ago despite her lies and deceptions. I was extremely hurt adn became suicidal. But I kept my calm and with the help of my friends slowly regained some of my composure. Needless to say I have a long way to go in the recovery because everyting is so fresh and painful for all the sacrifices and help I provided in this more than 3 years of relationship. Now here comes the confusion. Jill now desperately wants to get back with me. She appears to be very remorseful and apologetic. She has promised never to lie and be dishonest again. I am very skeptical because I have heard it all before. She asks for forgiveness and requests me to give her time to make it up. I do not know what to do and feel! I keep visualizing her making love to Forrest while she was perfectly fooling me all that time. Could anyone please help me see the light? Please be frank. Should I just forget Jill or give her a chance and see how it goes? But then again, what if it happens again. Then I would have wasted my time not to mention multiply the heartache. You can reply to me privately by e-mail if you prefer. My address is: <e-mail address removed> I sincerely thank you for reading this long account but I hope it has helped you gather my situation better. May God bless you!

[JT]

I will be frank and honest with you.

 

""As a very compassionate individual I overlooked these painful incidents and kept loving her without any reservations.""

 

You don't overlook when someone treats you badly in a relationship--to the degree that she has. Love is not about the story that you told...I beg to differ and say YOU need some major self esteem because self-respect and your dignity and the two things you can not give away EVER. You will love again repeat that to yourself. You sound like a smart guy come on you know the difference between right and wrong. What she has done is shown you (by her actions) that she does not love you in the way you need to be loved. I know you are feeling tremendous pain right now LOVE is not about that. The best thing you could do is REFRAIN from any contact with her until you can gain some perspective--and heal. In time the pain goes away but it will not if you continue with contact. Take care of yourself now. Otherwise she will continue manipulating you because you are vulnerable. People do not change overnight and by you being the stronger one now and stopping this endless torment and telling her not to call you for at least a month maybe she will get her act together --maybe you will be well on your way to healing. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS GIRL IS TREATING YOU !!!!BUT!!! don't get caught in the martyr postion --you have got to ask yourself why you stayed with someone that did not treat you well to begin with. Your answer will determine your future in this relationship...

 

much peace

 

email me if you need more support!!

 

<e-mail address removed>

 

Hello everyone! I am in a unique predicament that has left me so hurt and confused that I need your input to show me the right way. I have been in a relationship with a beautiful woman (let's call her, Jill) for over three years. Over this time period I stood like a rock behind Jill. When she broke her right arm (due to a DWI) and lost her job in its aftermath instead of leaving her (our relationship was only three days old) I would cook for her and took care of her - financially and emotionally - for the next four months. As time went on I kept on helping her as a token of love. You see, Jill does not make enough money; so she is financially struggling consistently. I decided to help her due to my appreciation for her. In the over three years of relationship I have given her more than $20,000 towards help.

 

Over the last three years, I have admired Jill for her personality and deeply cared for her. Inspite of the mutual love that we shared during the same period Jill had lied to me on many occassions (e.g., she had college education whereas she later confessed that she never went to college, she verbally abused me on many occasions with profanity, I was initially told of one DWI whereas the event was the second DWI etc.). As a very compassionate individual I overlooked these painful incidents and kept loving her without any reservations. Unfortunately, the recent event has sent me in a tailspin. On September 17, I got a call from Jill at around midnight. She was crying. I panicked and went to see her at her apartment. She told me that there was a guest at her apartment party who made sexual advances at her and it terrified her. She affirmed her love for me. I expressely asked her if there was any sex involved. Her firm answer was no. Later that night she informed me that on September 7, she was arrested for damaging the property of man she has been seeing. I was shocked to hear all this because Jill never told me the existence of other man (named Forrest) in her life while we were still together. However, she strongly denied any sexual liason. Regardless I was hurt by dishonesty and betrayal. I left her place with a very heavy heart. Next morning I called Jill and asked her how she was feeling. During the conversation I was told that she had been sleeping with Forrest for about three weeks. She also informed me that it was Forrest who was at the party last night. I went into an emotional trauma but kept my composure and cool. Later on she mentioned that she loved me the most and would like to get back into my life. I suggested that this event is the worst that could happen to any relationship. However, if she wanted to change and correct her ways I would support her in that process. As far as relationship was concerned only time would tell as I didn't know what to feel. She promised that she was not seeing the other man any more and it was over.

 

I also suggested her that we should to go to church and ask for God's forgiveness in showing her the right path. Jill agreed and we prayed at a church where she asked God to give her the strength as she only loved me and no one else. We also lit a candle. The following Saturday, September 25 Jill suggested that after seeing a movie with one of her girlfriends she will call me and come on over to stay with me following days. I said that would be fine. After working for over four hours on a research paper that Saturday, I decided to go for a drive that evening on my own as Jill had supposedly left for movie. I do not know what came into my head and drove past the ghetto neighborhood where Forrest lived. You can understand the degree of HURT and PAIN when I saw Jill's car parked behind his truck. I could not understand how could she still do it to me after all the promises to me and God. So I stopped at his place and requested to talk to Jill. Her lover, Forrest, said she did not want to see me. However I as emotionally spinning and wanted to confront Jill. I called for Jill very politely while standing outside the building. Forrest called the cops. When cops arrived they were very respectful to me and felt extremely sympathetic to my predicament. They forced the guy to open the door. After a minute Jill came out and told me (in the presence of two cops) that she wanted to be with Forrest and she was sorry that she could not tell me. I was shocked but kept my composure very cool and civilized. I only said that her behavior is a disgrace to women but I wished her all the best regadless. And left. After a two days, at around 1:00AM I got a call from Jill who was very angry because her car was just vandalized outside Forrest's place. She accused me that they both saw me doing it. The fact of the matter is that I was never there and aggression is never a part of my nature; otherwise I would have left her longtime ago despite her lies and deceptions. I was extremely hurt adn became suicidal. But I kept my calm and with the help of my friends slowly regained some of my composure. Needless to say I have a long way to go in the recovery because everyting is so fresh and painful for all the sacrifices and help I provided in this more than 3 years of relationship. Now here comes the confusion. Jill now desperately wants to get back with me. She appears to be very remorseful and apologetic. She has promised never to lie and be dishonest again. I am very skeptical because I have heard it all before. She asks for forgiveness and requests me to give her time to make it up. I do not know what to do and feel! I keep visualizing her making love to Forrest while she was perfectly fooling me all that time. Could anyone please help me see the light? Please be frank. Should I just forget Jill or give her a chance and see how it goes? But then again, what if it happens again. Then I would have wasted my time not to mention multiply the heartache. You can reply to me privately by e-mail if you prefer. My address is: <e-mail address removed> I sincerely thank you for reading this long account but I hope it has helped you gather my situation better. May God bless you!