Therapy- where it is leading?...

[KittenMoon]

...And what should I be shooting for?

 

I've been in therapy now for 4.5 months. I like my therapist, and I like having someone to talk to about things I can't with others, but it's getting expensive and I feel like I have no idea where it's leading, or where it should be leading.

 

I entered with depression over my break up, and an extreme feeling of loss and confusion about my life. While I have made progress (mainly in not feeling so lost in my life and career) I still feel this extreme hole in my life because of my break up, loneliness, and anger towards my ex. Actually, it's more like I feel the desire to regain what I lost fighting my anger and annoyance at him. And it just keeps going, no matter how I try to think, or how much therapy and medication I take.

 

So- as I have no experience with this, I keep wondering what I shoudl be shooting for in order to be able to stop going to therapy (or at least reduce my going significantly). Will I just know when I don't need to go anymore? Should I wait for my therapist to suggest it?

 

I just want to know, where is this going? I want to feel good about myself, and my life, but it's like we keep adressing this hole that exists because of my loneliness, and no matter what angle we attack it from, it persists, to the point where I feel like I'm perplexing my therapist even.

 

Can anyone share any insight?

[Guest]

Consider that the source of the emptiness may have nothing to do with the lack of a partner. And that trying to fill it with a partner will likely be as futile as trying to fill it with food or alcohol. I think you need to explore the source of the emptiness and figure out what you *really* feel is lacking in your life.

 

Maybe what you need is to do more meaningful work. Maybe you need to learn something new. Maybe you need creative projects.

 

Have you asked this question of your therapist?

[KittenMoon]

Consider that the source of the emptiness may have nothing to do with the lack of a partner. And that trying to fill it with a partner will likely be as futile as trying to fill it with food or alcohol. I think you need to explore the source of the emptiness and figure out what you *really* feel is lacking in your life.

 

Maybe what you need is to do more meaningful work. Maybe you need to learn something new. Maybe you need creative projects.

 

Have you asked this question of your therapist?

 

Well, honestly, I have LOTS of creative project. I'm writing a novel, several short stories, I take writing classes, I knit, and I'm part of a couple writer's groups. I feel like that part of my life is full, maybe too full, because I never have enough time to do as much as I want.

 

But I still feel something missing, a hole in me, and maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's something I still haven't defined, but I don't know what to do about it, and therapy hasn't seemed to hit it yet. It's confusing and frustrating.

[dgiirl]

KM, I went to therapy a month after my stbxh dropped the d-bomb on me and left. The first thing my therapist told me is that therapy is not a cure to life and that she does not believe in keeping people in therapy for long periods of time. Therapy is more of a tuneup for your life. You go for a few sessions, get a sense of control, and go back out into the world. Too many people hide in therapy without really getting out into the world and experiencing it. I went to therapy for 4 or 5 sessions. After that, she asked me if I still wanted therapy or do I want to play it by ear and stop for a while, knowing that any time I wanted to come back I could. To me, I knew it was time to stop. I had gained a sense of control over the situation, and she couldnt help me any more at that time. I needed time to grieve.

 

To me, it sounds like you simply need time to grieve. From what you wrote, you are not suicidal, you've gained some sense of control over your life, yet you still have this emptiness and pain from your breakup. Well, I dont think therapy is going to be able to wave a magic wand and remove all those feelings for you. If they could, let me know. But seriously, it sounds like you simply need time to grieve. And you do not want to rush this period because this is where you'll experience much personal growth. Learning to let go, learning to redirect your thoughts, learning to forgive, learning to depend on yourself and knowing you will be ok. No matter what happens, you'll be ok. I'm sure therapy gave you some good insight onto how you think and act, where you want to go in life, and gave you some tools to work with. But you do not become an expert over night. You need to keep practicing with those tools until it just becomes natural for you.

 

I think since you are questioning whether you should or not stop therapy, I think it's time to take a break. You can always return any time in the future. It's been a year for me since my therapy stopped. I've been contemplating going back lately, and do see a need in the future, and will return in the future. But for the last year, I simply needed to grieve. And I couldnt work on my issues until I grieved.

[KittenMoon]

I've been grieving for 8 months and I'm ****-in tired of it. But it's not going away, and I'm tired of fighting it every day.

 

I'm also tired of therapy, and a little tired of the fact even my therapist seems increasingly perplexed by me. Last session she said to me it seemed almost ridiculous to her to see a successful, attractive woman with an amaing intellect like me stuck where I am. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that praise sh*t doesn't work on me, I know what I am, what I don't know is why I feel so utterly outside of the real work, and why I feel like the way I think and feel seems so different from those around me, and why it seems to get me none of the things I want.

 

I don't know- I start to wonder if it's simply too late for me to change how I am, and I'll always be stuck sorta "acting" my way through normal life. The one person I thought loved me even in spite of me has ditched me, and I can't stop wanting him back, although I wonder if its simply because his mind is so much simpler than mine.

 

Anyone know if those lobotomy things work? Hah.

[Guest]

If you have a toothache and all you think about is the toothache, it will ache more furiously. If you have a headache and all you think about is the headache, it will ache that much worse.

 

There are plenty of people who are unfulfilled but who don't focus their thoughts and feelings on their lack of fulfilment - for that way lies madness.

 

I think it's time to stop thinking about yourself. Vast amounts of pondering about oneself isn't good. Don't poke your ache by probing it all the time. Find some other issue to occupy your mind.

 

At a guess, I'd say that the bf didn't actually fill the gap in your life, but rather occupied your mind such that you forgot about it.

 

There are things I'd like to have that are missing from my life. If all I did was think about them, I'd be in the same state you are. But there's plenty of things going on in life and on the planet that I hardly ever think about me. Other things are FAR more interesting.

 

You may suffer from the illusion that everybody else in the world feels fulfilled but you. I assure you earnestly that this is far from the case. The quality of your life depends in large part by your mental construct. If you draw a picture of yourself as a deprived and empty soul lost among a world of happy folk, you can't help but be miserable. Don't let yourself believe in this fantasy because it simply isn't a reflection of reality.

 

If, however, you count your many blessings and look at others who are worse off than you (and there ARE many - if you don't believe it, then right there's your problem) you may find that your problems finally fade out of consciousness.

 

I've heard of more than one person whose lives seemed better to them when they made a nightly practice of writing down things they were grateful for each day. You have to switch your brain off the 'life is negative in all ways' track and onto the 'I seek to see the good in life' one.

[KittenMoon]

If you have a toothache and all you think about is the toothache, it will ache more furiously. If you have a headache and all you think about is the headache, it will ache that much worse.

 

There are plenty of people who are unfulfilled but who don't focus their thoughts and feelings on their lack of fulfilment - for that way lies madness.

 

I think it's time to stop thinking about yourself. Vast amounts of pondering about oneself isn't good. Don't poke your ache by probing it all the time. Find some other issue to occupy your mind.

 

Constant movement, activity, hobbies, etc doesn't help. I still feel it.

 

 

You may suffer from the illusion that everybody else in the world feels fulfilled but you.

 

Oh heck no! Everyone seems to cover it up, but I know it's still there.

 

You have to switch your brain off the 'life is negative in all ways' track and onto the 'I seek to see the good in life' one.

 

It's not that negative and I know that... and yet the itch of these feelings remain and I can't scratch it. SOMETHING is missing.

[Guest]

A lot of people have conditions that leave them in pain every day. Sometimes if you have an incurable problem, the solution is to learn to live with it and focus on something else.

 

BTW, being physically active isn't the cure. You need to occupy your MIND. The very fact that you say the hole is still there means that you keep checking for it. Because even people who live with chronic pain can forget about it when their minds are otherwise occupied.

 

You may not know what the something is until you find it but I doubt it's 'love' or another person. In the meantime, try volunteering. You need to forget about your 'itch' at least for a while.

[Guest]

I see a therapist (since April) and I feel it is very beneficial and has helped me cope with what I've been through recently...

I have a 7 year old daughter and left her dad when she was 9 months old because he spent his life in the pub!

I then met the next charater in my life who abused me ... ran me over, broke my windows and many more terrible things when I wouldn't let him in my house. I never lived with him but he stayed at my house. This went on for 6 years (on/off relationship). I then found out in April that he had a baby of 7 months old ... so on one of the off periods he had a baby but carried on having a relationship with me never telling me there was a baby out there!

 

Then I met another guy on a website ... he declared his undying love for me ... met my daughter (bear in mind she is 7 years old and this was the 2nd boyfriend she'd ever met since she was 9 months old!) He was very pressurising in meeting her and said he wanted a family life and not all this going out to fancy restaurants all the time ... so I eventually let him meet her because he threatened to finish the relationship otherwise! He proposed to me and wanted to marry on a private island .. he told everyone to put the date in the diary but I did tell my family at the time it didn't all seem quite right!

 

Anyway he turned out to be a complete con man well actually I think he was ill ... he ripped me off by $10000 in 6 months and pretended he had tax problems I only found out afterwards that he had a fiance at the same time as me and she was $100000 down and was having her house reposessed and had huge medical problems and lost her job through stress he caused her ... so I had a lucky escape!

When I confronted him I suffered a broken cheekbone and broken nose ... I since found out there was various companys and individuals that went through the same thing as me!

So, I found a councellor very useful and at the moment I can't cope without her ... I have had weeks where I felt that it was a waste of money seeing her but the next thing something would happen that very small and whereby I could normally cope I would be so looking forward to seeing her!

[NotKelly]

You have to take what you can get out of therapy and not expect your therapist to know everything. They are human too.

 

I broke up with my ex-BF and started seeing a therapist (for codependency issues, I guess) around the same time. I went to her for 7 months or so. The funny thing is that while it wound up that I found the sessions less and less useful as to what she was telling me, I was able to figure out what I needed to do on my own, so one day I just said "I think I'm going to hold off on scheduling the next appointment" and she agreed and I never went back. The end.

 

She wanted me to do a lot of stuff I didn't feel ready for; she also wanted me on Paxil for social anxiety. While I have taken short courses of antidepressants in the past from my doctor, I knew someone who was on Paxil and was absolutely miserable -- gained lots of weight, had the "zaps," all that. I could tell my therapist was perplexed/disappointed in my refusal to consider Paxil. Her line was "Well, the studies show that people don't have a lot of side effects" and I was like, "Who should I believe - 'the studies' or my own cousin??" I also realized that she and I weren't seeing eye to eye when she suggested I do group therapy.

 

However, I left the experience feeling like it had been a partial success. I did not feel disappointed or frustrated (not with her, she was very nice) but I think she was disappointed in me. I later figured out some concrete steps I needed to take in my life which I later thought should have been obvious to a therapist, and which she had never suggested.

 

If you don't go into therapy expecting a miracle, you will probably benefit. There is no wonder drug and no wonder therapist.