the latest in the saga

[Foreign_Love]

For those who don't remember my saga - here's a recap:

 

My GF is from Japan & suffers from quite a temper. Nearly eveveryone on this board said I should walk away from this relationship, but I just couldn't. I have a degree in psychology & I was certain I could make it work. We have been reading the book "How Loving Couples Fight" and have had great success in breaking down the problems of the past and have avoided recurrences for the most part. We were doing so well that we went to the town hall to apply for amarriage license. However, the day after doing that she got bad news from home.

 

Her ex-husband, who has custody of her daughter, apparently has been neglecting the daughter. He has been leaving her in daycare for 12-13 hours a day and has been teaching her some fairly racist things (he is not from Japan). This turned into a family emergency and now my GF is caught in the middle of it and I'm not sure what to do. She wants to stay here and get married, but she also wants to bring her daughter to live with us - something I had always thought was impossible (or at least something I was not expecting to happen for 3-5 years at the earliest). I am struggling with figuring out what to do.

 

I truly don't feel ready to accept a 5 year old child into my house for several reasons. I've never had kids or even been around them for any length of time - I have no experience. My income is extremely low right now - hovering just above the poverty level - I couldn't possibly care for another person and my GF can't work for 1-2 years (until she'd get her green card).

 

My GF says that her Mom is willing to take care of the girl for a year or so until we'd get things situated, but I don't know if that is truly enough time. Furthermore, I had really wanted to have at least 1 kid with her before her daughter would come - partially because I felt it would better prepare me for dealing with her kid. I want to know what it feels like to go through all of that stuff - pregnancy, birth, etc.

 

So, I'm struggling with what to do. My GF has overstayed her visa - if we don't get married and she goes back to deal with the situation there is a very good chance that this will be goodbye forever. But if I agree to get married and accept this child, I may be doing it simply because I don't want to lose my GF, which is not a good reason.

 

What do you guys think? I really do love this girl more than I have ever loved anyone, but in this situation is love truly enough? I don't want to wake up one day and resent her for the life she brought upon me.

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

I think you have been selfish and short sighted. First of all, life comes as it does and often not as you plan it to.

 

This lady's daughter is a part of her and always will be. A situation has arisen where it is in the best interests of this child to be with her mother. Regardless of your plans, your income, your likes or dislikes, the reality is that this child needs to be with her mother lest she grow up to be screwed up...and we know the world doesn't need one more screwed up person.

 

If you love this lady you need to love and accept her child. If you don't want to do that, break your marriage plans and head for the hills. It's simply cruel to separate a mother and her child, especially under this set of circumstances. A five year old child needs to be with her mother.

 

I'm really glad the two of you are getting along well together. But you will have to deal with your self centeredness alone. Start seeing this from your gal's perspective. Start seeing the entire world from the viewpoint of other people rather than just your own.

 

If man can get to the moon and back safely THREE TIMES and on a fourth trip get halfway there and return after having rocket trouble, you can figure out how to make a little extra money and make this work.

 

I don't buy your excuses. You even say you want to have a child with her first to get used to being around children before you have her daughter join the family. That's 100 percent, industrial strenth selfishness and bull to boot...so don't fool yourself into thinking it's just good planning. It's very poor rationalization for selfishness.

 

If you're going to be married to this woman and have a family, including her present daughter, you're going to have to get a new more giving and understanding attitude. If you can't do that, let her go back to Japan and kiss her goodbye, for yourself and me too.

 

And, just to give you a jump start, when you cease to be so selfish and cease to look out for your own personal interests so much, you will find yourself magically making a lot more money. Our outside world reflects our own personal views. Selfishness has it's roots in the believe in insufficiency and lack of abundance. Once you believe there is plenty of money and love for everyone, you'll be a rich man and you'll have a great and happy family.

 

I hope the chances of that happening are good!

[Foreign_Love]

You are absolutely right that it is selfishness - plain and simple. But the interesting thing is this - about a year ago I was here on this board posting about my previous marriage - about how I had stuck with it for 8 year years and tried to make it work - and I ended up getting a lecture about how I had to be more selfish - how I should start thinking about my own happiness & my own future and stop trying to take care of everyone around me. This has very little to do with this current situation other than I find it interesting to be accused of being the exact opposite person of what I was accused of being last year.

 

Now - I most certainly do appreciate the input and advice. I have been struggling with my own selfish wants and desires. I think everyone wants things to be "my way" - I think that because I did spend 8 years doing things to make other people happy I am now overdoing it in the other direction. That's one of the reasons I posted here. I truly felt as though I was trying to plan my life properly.

 

However, how can I tell when I am being selfish and when I am simply looking at logistics and being realistic? The reality is my house only has 1 bedroom. The reality is I don't know where the money will come from to support this "extra mouth". The reality is she can't speak English & will need special tutoring. The reality is, my GF can't drive & doesn't have a car or the means to buy one - this means not only do I continue to do all the work & buy the groceries, but I now must add in all the errands that revolve around the care of a child. These things seem like logistical worries to me - not selfish behaviors.

 

I do love my GF very much - but I look at all these things and say to myself "am I really prepared to bring all of this upon myself?"

 

Keep the advice coming. I like kick in the butt attitude around here ;-)

[Foreign_Love]

The other thing I want to point out is this - I agree that the daughter needs her mom. The problem is this - if we get married, she can't come to live with us for a year or possibly as far out as 2 years. The is due to INS issues. However, if my GF goes back right now there is a good chance she can never return to the US (or at least not return for 3-5 years) because she's overstayed her visa.

 

I'm also weighing both of these issues heavily. The fact is, even if I decide I am totally ready and able to care for this girl, she won't be able to be with her mom for a year. Is that really the best thing to do?

[Tony T]

This is a really tought problem.

 

On the selfishness issue, I think there is a rational selfishness we all need to develop but it is tempered with a general desire to satisfy both or all sides in compromise of some sort.

 

Now, your problem is difficult. It's hard for me to believe INS will let terrorists in the country with no problem but will keep a small child from her mother for up to two years. The INS sucks!!!

 

After reading your most recent posts above, I just don't see how this is going to work...in any case. It is just way too complicated for me.

 

What does your gal want to do? What input has she had? If she wants to go back to Japan, let her go and your problem is solved. If she wants to wait for the time to have her daughter come here, just make sure her daughter is well taken care of by relatives.

 

And do what you can to get a better income stream. If you're thinking about having a wife and a child of your own...and then having her daughter come over in two years, you're going to need a larger house, maybe two cars, a lot more food every month, you'll be paying higher property taxes, higher auto gas bills, higher electric bills, you'll have doctor bills for the kids, health insurance for your entire family, life insurance for you, news shoes and clothing for growing kids, etc. etc. etc. You get the idea.

 

Life ain't cheat...and it's not very simple sometimes either.

 

You are faced with a dilema I wouldn't wish on anybody. But at least you're getting along better with the lady. One down and many more to go.

[clia]

You say, is that really the best thing to do?

 

No.

 

You need to put your girlfriend on a plane back to Japan so she can raise her daughter. Think about this little girl instead of your relationship. She needs her mother and she needs to be raised correctly. If you put this off, you are going to end up with a 6-7 year old who has never had any attention and will likely have behavioral issues. Your girlfriend needs to nip this now and deal with it. When a person takes on the responsibility of having a child, they take on all sorts of other things and often have to make concessions in their own life to make sure that child is getting what he or she needs, and is not being neglected. Your girlfriend clearly hasn't learned this.

 

Tony covered the selfishness on your end, but I have to question your girlfriend's selfishness. Think about it like this: She is unwilling to risk losing her visa and her relationship with some guy (no offense) in order to ensure that her daughter is being properly cared for. Her visa is THAT important to her. Now that's selfish! I really don't even see how this is any of your concern. If that was my kid, I would've been on the plane ten minutes ago. How do your foresee her acting with YOUR kids in the future? Wouldn't you want someone who is a little more caring than that? When was the last time she even saw her daughter?

 

I also find it extremely ridiculous that you are in charge of supporting her and her daughter. I understand the visa issues, but surely she can clean houses or do something "under the table" to earn some money. People do it all the time. What exactly is she bringing to the table in your relationship? And I love it that she's here against the law, by overstaying her visa. That's great. Nothing like respecting the law in a country that she is a guest in. Shows you how much she respects the United States.

 

The "right" thing to do here is for your girlfriend to go back to Japan and deal with this, because when she got pregnant, her life went out the window. Her daughter is what is important now.

 

And as an aside, don't let this visa issue force you into marriage. Things may be great now, but who knows what life is going to be like 6 months from now. You might be back to what you were complaining about before.

 

Sorry so long, but this really irks me!

The other thing I want to point out is this - I agree that the daughter needs her mom. The problem is this - if we get married, she can't come to live with us for a year or possibly as far out as 2 years. The is due to INS issues. However, if my GF goes back right now there is a good chance she can never return to the US (or at least not return for 3-5 years) because she's overstayed her visa. I'm also weighing both of these issues heavily. The fact is, even if I decide I am totally ready and able to care for this girl, she won't be able to be with her mom for a year. Is that really the best thing to do?

[Foreign_Love]

Well - the overstay was not intentional - the issue with her daughter happened just before we were going to tie-the-knot and then the visa was not a problem. Unfortunately her ex (who fought for custody) is simply unable or unwilling to care for the child. My first impression was that she should go back to Japan and if that meant it was the end of us, that was the breaks. But, she really truly does not want to leave - she's begging me to find any way to solve this problem so that she can stay AND have her daughter.

 

2 years is the maximum they would be apart; it is more likely to take 6 months to a year, but even that is a long time.

 

It's really tough for me to face this situation - I've been struggling with it for about a week now & still haven't been able to decide which side of the fence I want to be on.

 

I feel so horrible for her - she had such a terrible marriage and life (not to sound like I'm such a great catch, but I'm at least loving, respectful and attentive to her needs) before she met me - I think she finally realizes what it means to be in a "healthy" relationship - this the reason why we've broken through her temper problem. Now that she has this "new life" I she doesn't want to lose it and go back to her old life.

 

It's interesting - her sister & mom saw a recent photo of her and they commented - "you look like a different person! You don't look sad or tired like you used to - you look happy." I can see it too - in her eyes - she is a different person now.

 

I hate this situation.

[Rachel]

Dear Friend;

 

I remember your situation from before. First off, believe that things always work out.... They just do. You have to kind of take it one day at a time instead of overwhelming yourself with all these important life decisions at once.

 

todays problem:

 

1. If you went to get the marriage license, before, you would have had it today. So, you could have ALREADY MARRIED HER, ANYWAY.

 

2. She WILl be able to get a work permit after you are married. That will be a substantial raise in your income, if you are indeed near the poverty level. Even if she earns minimum wage, she can earn 14000 to 18000 a year. That should help you and her. Getting a work permit after marrying a US citizen is a piece of cake.

 

3. The child issue. Look at her as your wife's baby. She is part of her. You cannot help but love her as your own, once you bond. its natural. You will have TWO lovely women in your life. When you and your wife decide to have another, it will only ADD to that joy to experience that pregnancy and etc., that you're so worried you won't be able to experience. Plus she will have an older sister to help out with things.

 

4. Have faith. Things are meant to be the way they are. Maybe God put you in this woman's life to help her out. And maybe through that you are meant to find the gift of 2 loving people in your life instead of one.

 

God throws the stranges things in our path. Sometimes its better to go with the flow than fight it.

 

Just take it one day at a time. Marry her. Things will work out.

 

You know, money is just not that important. I know things seem tough right now, but first off, ALL parents in ALL the country are required to pay child support. child support used to be difficult to collect, but NO MORE> Even across state lines, its a piece of cake these days. So, don't worry. Years ago, it was different, but today, its a piece of cake. They just look at the parents income, and presto, that parent owes. it's just that simple.

 

Anyway, you love her. you were going to marry her before. Marry her now. You won't regret it.

 

Well - the overstay was not intentional - the issue with her daughter happened just before we were going to tie-the-knot and then the visa was not a problem. Unfortunately her ex (who fought for custody) is simply unable or unwilling to care for the child. My first impression was that she should go back to Japan and if that meant it was the end of us, that was the breaks. But, she really truly does not want to leave - she's begging me to find any way to solve this problem so that she can stay AND have her daughter. 2 years is the maximum they would be apart; it is more likely to take 6 months to a year, but even that is a long time. It's really tough for me to face this situation - I've been struggling with it for about a week now & still haven't been able to decide which side of the fence I want to be on. I feel so horrible for her - she had such a terrible marriage and life (not to sound like I'm such a great catch, but I'm at least loving, respectful and attentive to her needs) before she met me - I think she finally realizes what it means to be in a "healthy" relationship - this the reason why we've broken through her temper problem. Now that she has this "new life" I she doesn't want to lose it and go back to her old life. It's interesting - her sister & mom saw a recent photo of her and they commented - "you look like a different person! You don't look sad or tired like you used to - you look happy." I can see it too - in her eyes - she is a different person now. I hate this situation.

[Foreign_Love]

Last night I went home and we had a long talk about the situation involving her daughter. We talked honestly and logically about the pros and cons of her staying here and her returning to Japan. We concluded that unless her Mom & sister are willing to help AND her ex is willing to give up custody the only solution is for her to return to Japan.

 

She is calling her family today to talk about everything and find out exactly what is going on, what they are willing to do, and whether or not her ex would be willing to work out a solution.

 

My personal feeling is that he is using the child as a weapon against my GF. He is using her to force my GF to return to Japan and therefore he is going to be unwilling to do anything that doesn't involve her returning. Since he has sole custody, he has the power to make these kinds of demands.

 

My sister said to me last night "you're an adult - you can deal with a loss like this. But her daughter is just 5 years old - she will be affected by this for the rest of her life".

 

Unless some kind of miracle happens, I think she'll be heading back to Japan within the next week.

 

I'll keep everyone updated as things progress.

[Opie Taylor]

I think your sister is extremely wise...and quite correct.

 

If your lady's love for you is genuine, she will go to Japan to handle all matters concerning her daughter and return to you to begin a new life.

 

If the two of you are meant to be together, that's what will happen.

 

I hope your financial situation improves in the coming months and years so these types of situations will be more easily handled and you will be able to more easily handle the financial demands of what you may be getting into.

[quankanne]

I'm curious -- you've mentioned several times that her ex has custody of the child. Why is that? And why is he so powerful? Surely if the courts found her to be a fit mother, there would be more rights granted (am basing this on what I've seen in US custody cases). Is there more to the story that she hasn't shared with you?

 

Your sister has a good point -- your friend's first and foremost priority is her child, not a nebulous relationship with a man she doesn't appear to trust. She may like you, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound like she completely trusts you. Maybe it's because of her bad experience in her previous relationship, maybe it's because she refuses to be so completely dependent on someone ... whatever the reason is, you need to let her go. If it's meant to work out, it will.

[Foreign_Love]

In her country the laws are (were) very strange regarding women's rights. Essentially when you are married, the man can do ANYTHING he wants to a women and as long as there is a marriage license (even if you have been separated for years) the police will do nothing to protect you.

 

When she wanted to finally divorce him (she had to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night) she had to make a choice. My impression is that he treated the daughter like a princess, gave her everything she wanted, and generally was a good father to her - but my GF was treated like a slave to them. She had to decide - if she gave up custody to him, he would divorce her right away - if she wanted custody of the daughter, he was going to fight her in court. The problem with this is, as long as there is a marriage license, he can do anything he wants to intimidate and threaten her. He would make comments to her prior to the divorce like "if you ever really leave me, I will kill you".

 

Recent changes in their laws (within the past few months) have made this much more difficult for men to do, but when she was going through her divorce, the laws had not yet been passed.

 

I hope that explains why he has custody. It really wasn't her choice to make. She could fight for custody and take her chances with what he might do to her or escape, believing that he would continue to treat the daughter like a princess.

 

His behavior is one of the reasons why I think he is purposely mistreating the daughter - it is his way of forcing my GF to return to him. And, unfortunately it looks like his plan has worked. I really see no good way out of this.

[quankanne]

thanks for edifying me, I hadn't realized how harsh it was for women going through a custody battle in Japan. ... sounds to me like someone ought to take a two-by-four to the jackass she was married to and whap the hell out of him. However, maybe since the laws there have "smartened up," you two won't have to face the difficulties you initially thought there'd be.

 

in a separate, but related, issue, don't worry so much about her child coming into your marriage earlier than you'd planned. Babies are cool, but so are little kids. Even though I haven't been blessed with any of my own yet, I've found that being around others' kids has been good practice, and you come to realize that when you're capable of loving, it doesn't matter if it's yours or someone else's, and that could be something good for your future step-daughter. Things have a way of working themselves out, you just have to keep reminding yourself that. You might have to go through some bad or ugly spots, but in the end, it's going to be worth it.

 

good luck!

[Angel]

If you were my son, I would advise you not to ruin your life. It sounds like you're tetering on the impossible. I have more faith in common sense than in feelings when it comes to marriage. Think about that one. It is not too late to get out. Life is difficult enough without all the baggage--baggage is one thing; she is Ms Samsonite. Would you want this for your child? (If you had one. What would you tell him?) Think hard. Think with your head and not your heart on this one.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

I think you have been selfish and short sighted. First of all, life comes as it does and often not as you plan it to. This lady's daughter is a part of her and always will be. A situation has arisen where it is in the best interests of this child to be with her mother. Regardless of your plans, your income, your likes or dislikes, the reality is that this child needs to be with her mother lest she grow up to be screwed up...and we know the world doesn't need one more screwed up person. If you love this lady you need to love and accept her child. If you don't want to do that, break your marriage plans and head for the hills. It's simply cruel to separate a mother and her child, especially under this set of circumstances. A five year old child needs to be with her mother.

 

I'm really glad the two of you are getting along well together. But you will have to deal with your self centeredness alone. Start seeing this from your gal's perspective. Start seeing the entire world from the viewpoint of other people rather than just your own. If man can get to the moon and back safely THREE TIMES and on a fourth trip get halfway there and return after having rocket trouble, you can figure out how to make a little extra money and make this work. I don't buy your excuses. You even say you want to have a child with her first to get used to being around children before you have her daughter join the family. That's 100 percent, industrial strenth selfishness and bull to boot...so don't fool yourself into thinking it's just good planning. It's very poor rationalization for selfishness.

 

If you're going to be married to this woman and have a family, including her present daughter, you're going to have to get a new more giving and understanding attitude. If you can't do that, let her go back to Japan and kiss her goodbye, for yourself and me too. And, just to give you a jump start, when you cease to be so selfish and cease to look out for your own personal interests so much, you will find yourself magically making a lot more money. Our outside world reflects our own personal views. Selfishness has it's roots in the believe in insufficiency and lack of abundance. Once you believe there is plenty of money and love for everyone, you'll be a rich man and you'll have a great and happy family. I hope the chances of that happening are good!

[Foreign_Love]

Maybe somewhere deep in my psyche I enjoy being miserable... I don't know, but I do know that I have a breaking point and I have finally reached it.

 

Last night we were supposed to sit down and have a calm talk about the situation with my GFs child. She wanted to see if there was any way we could solve it so she could stay in the country.

 

Well that's not how it went. A series of misunderstandings on both of our parts, coupled with the return of her bad temper, made for the worst argument I think I've ever had in my life.

 

The funny thing is, I rented "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" and we watched it together as an extreme example of what happens when a fight escalates. Afterwords we talked a bit about how things got so out of control in that movie. And yet an hour or two later we were doing the same thing. The difference being, I truly tried to be respectful, calm, courteous and most important of all, stay on topic - avoid bringing in old or non-sequitor(sp?) arguments.

 

As the nasty, rude, sarcastic, hurtful comments flew my way, I tried to stay logical and calm, but at a certain point I couldn't remain calm and responded with shouting as well. I also knew that after I went to bed, she would use the opportunity to seek revenge on me - she would get on the computer and clack away at the keys until the middle of the night - the computer is next to the bedroom & the keyboard is quite loud - so as a preemptive strike I changed all the passwords on the computer and THEN went to bed. Well, 30 minutes later I get someone standing over me demanding the password. My response "when we can have a calm, logical, ADULT conversation, I'll give it to you" - yes I had stooped to a sort-of blackmail, but I too was emotional and angry. Her response was to badger, threaten, and posture over me - "I want the password now!" she would say - even getting right into my face as I lay in bed, spitting upon me as she spoke.

 

My response? Pick up my pillow and a blanket and go to the couch "goodnight" I said. Eventually she was able to guess my password - I could hear her laughing - she then commented on how I wasn't very smart to pick such an easy password. My response to that? I disconnected the cable modem. She immediately stormed out screaming "what is wrong with you!?" and began to fiddle with the cable modem. I responded in turn by completely disconnecting and disabling the computer system. At that point she was totally out of control. I kept repeating to her - "be courteous, polite and talk to me like an adult and we can go over all of these issues".

 

She would not let it go "Give me the password!!" she would angrily shout. Only ONCE did she say in a reasonable voice "would you please tell me the password?".

 

This continued on until very late last night. I finally got tired of it all and tried to just stop arguing, but she wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted to sleep, but she just kept after me. Finally I made a rum & coke and pretended that it made me fall asleep - she started to get rude and mean again, saying things about ex-boyfriends & speaking in her ex-husbands language to me (knowing I can't understand it and that I HATE the sound of his language), after 20 more minutes of her shaking me, getting in my face, she finally left me alone.

 

This morning she came out to wake me up and behaved like everything was fine. However, I had reached my breaking point. I simply have given up. I couldn't bring myself to even talk to her. I took my shower, got in my car and came to work. I have not spoken to her, emailed her nor called her since.

 

I'm not looking for any advice here. I know what I'm doing now. I just thought the regular readers would enjoy reading this and maybe feel a bit better about their own problems and situations. Feel free to comment if you want. I always enjoy the comments I receive here.

[Tony T]

I know you're not looking for advice and I'm not going to give you any. I'm just going to give you my opinion, which won't even pay the sales tax on a dollar's worth of BS.

 

I just don't think the two of you are compatible. I don't think you are the type of guy who wants to spend the rest of your life in petty arguments with some angry bxtch. Of course, there's some sort of perverse attraction but that won't be enough to keep this going...in my opinion.

 

Life is way way too short to have to drag a ton of baggage behind you every day, everywhere you go. Forget this issue with the kid. This lady is impossible in and of herself. Marry her and you will regret it.

 

I think letting her go to Japan for a while might clear your mind to enable you to see this situation exactly for the way it is. It is impossible for you to think clearly with all that is going on. This issue with the child has shifted focus from your relationshxt with her, which I think is pretty poor, over to the kid. Get back on track and decide if this is really the type of lady you need in your life.

 

Now, if you have some sort of handicap or something you haven't told us about that prevents you from finding ladies very easily, I can understand that. But, let me tell you, being alone for the rest of your days on this planet will be more relaxing that being with somebody like this.

 

The feud you had with her last night was absolutely amazing. And the two of you are supposed to be a loving, engaged company. Come on...you may fool yourself but you can't fool everybody in this forum. Laura Bush would get along better with Osama Bin Laden.

 

I think it would be a great thing to get her back to Japan and away from you for a while. It would give you some time to find a lady with whom you can spend joyous times without aggravating and unproductive encounters. Remember, we require peace of mind only while we are alive. It comes automatically when we're dead. Give yourself the gift of tranquility while you are alive and breathing.

 

There's got to be someone out there with whom you could be happier, in my opinion.

 

Is there anything we can do to help you find a situation for yourself that won't be so perplexing, that won't be so annoying, that you would be much happier in?

 

Awaiting your reply.

[Foreign_Love]

Oh, I can tell you my opinion of why I've stuck it out this long. I've analyzed it myself & here are my conclusions:

 

I was in a relationship for nearly 16 years - married for 8 of those years. I have only ever been with 1 woman until this past year. My previous relationship was a strange one as well - we had a tremendous friendship, but there was little if any sexual attraction - I found her to be intellectually very exciting, but physically not. Then she developed her drinking/OTC drug problem and that led to the demise of the marriage.

 

Now I find someone who is physically incredibly attractive, sexually ***amazing*** and who, other than the extremely bad temper, is emotionally and intellectually very attractive to me as well.

 

If I had to explain the difference between the physical relationship between my ex-wife and I and my GF and I, I think it's about as different as shooting a bullet and throwing a bullet. One makes a heck of a bigger impact.

 

I stuck with it because I thought we could work through the temper issue. That she would learn a new way to deal with conflict. In her previous marriage things were dealt with by screaming and yelling - I'm not that kind of person - I believed that eventually she would lose this mentality and move to a style similar to mine - logical discussions - point and counter point.

 

But last night I realized - she was not the changing styles - I was. I do not want to become that kind of person.

 

So, there you have it.

[Tony T]

I totally understand everything you have written. Nobody in the universe can make a decision on this except you.

 

I just have to hold out the hope that somewhere out there is a perfect combination of sexual attraction and intellectual compatiblity and all the other little stuff that's nice to be thrown in.

 

Compromising some of your desires for a relationship may be OK but doing so on important issues just won't work. You have seen that first hand.

 

I can tell you I've personally made a lot of the same kinds of mistakes...over and over. It's not fun. I guess I'm a slow learner. I hope you pick up stuff a lot faster than me.

[Foreign_Love]

A co-worker made a comment to me just now. He said that he believed she was behaving this way because she truly wants to go back to her country but doesn't want to feel the guilt of leaving - if she fights with me, she can blame me for having to leave - she has a place to put her feelings - it's easier to feel angry at someone than it is to feel guilty and sad.

 

What do you guys think?

[Ed]

In some way I guess it does make me appreciate how uncomplicated my life is when I read about things like the happenings in your life.

 

You know as well as I do that you don't have to live under such conditions. Why do you? What is the payoff for you in this situation with this lady? What will it take for you to decide to live without such turmoil in your life?

[Tony T]

1. "What do you guys think?"

 

Your co-worker is a very smart man. Guilt is the number one bad feeling in the Japanese culture and is heavily used in the raising of children there.

 

Your co-worker is super sharp.

[Foreign_Love]

Last night pretty much did it for me. I reached my breaking point.

 

However, the one issue I'm facing now is what I posted above. If she is picking these fights because she wants me to throw her out or give her an excuse to leave so that she can blame me and not feel guilty, I do not want to give her that satisfaction. I'm trying to decide how to best handle the situation. Obviously things cannot continue - it is over - but I want her to understand that it was her actions, her behavior, her unwillingness to act like an adult that created this situation. I don't know how I do that.

 

Perhaps it's impossible. No matter what she may find a way to make everything my fault in her head.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I want her to understand that it was her actions, her behavior, her unwillingness to act like an adult that created this situation. I don't know how I do that."

 

You can't make somebody like her understand anything, particularly if she doesn't want to. She is stubborn and has just as much resolve trying to get you to realize this is your fault as you desire wanting her to realize it is her fault. Stop these silly games and move on. Who cares whose fault it is?

 

And exactly why is it important to you for her to take responsibility for this. She will be out of your life and 10,000 miles away. This shouldn't be important to you at all at this point. Just get her away!!!

[Ed]

What difference does it make what she thinks or why she thinks this relationship is ending? Why do you care if she blames you for anything? If you are doing what you think is in your best interest, nobody else's opinion matters.

 

There are many, many people in this world that blame others for every bad thing that happens to them. You can't make her or anybody else believe what you want them to believe, psychology degree or not.

 

Put this to rest and move on with your life. Let her believe what she wants to believe. She is only one person in this world of billions of people. There is no good reason for you to be worried about what one individual thinks about why this relationship turned out this way.

[Foreign_Love]

So, thus far today she has sent me at least 8 emails apologizing for her behavior last night. She is going on and on about how sorry she is, etc. etc.

 

She wrote an entire email talking about all the nice times we've had together - how much she's appreciated all the nice things I've done for her, and so on.

 

Why couldn't she have thought of those things when she was letting go with her temper last night?

 

Secondly, is there something about being a "nice guy" that makes women feel like they can act like this? I was thinking about this today - I'm always referred to as a "nice guy" - I never swear, I'm polite, I'm friendly, etc. - do women view this as a weakness? Do they think that because I open the door for them & say "please" and "thank you" that they can emotionally rip me to shreds and I'll take it and say "thank you SIR may I have another!"?

 

Seems like a slow day here today so I thought I'd pose those two questions.