the latest in the saga

[midori]

I hear what you're saying, about wanting to make it clear who's to blame for the demise of the relationship, but surely you realize that someone with the kind of issues your gf seems to have will not be able to recognize her role. You could walk in on her in bed with another man, or stealing all the money out of your bank account, or murdering your pet guinea pig -- and she'd be able to rationalize her behavior (at least to her satisfaction). If you're tolerating such an awful situation for another moment because you're trying to figure out how to get her to see that it's her fault, you're playing right into her hands. If she was willing/able to see that it's her fault, half of your problem would be solved. It's a losing battle: the relationship won't work because she can't see how her behavior is sabotaging it. So why would you try to get her to see that she destroyed it?

 

You're unhappy. That's all you need to know, and the only person you need to justify your decision to is yourself.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Do they think that because I open the door for them & say "please" and "thank you" that they can emotionally rip me to shreds and I'll take it and say "thank you SIR may I have another!"?"

 

Yeah, for some of them it's something like that. Women who are psychologically healthy, mature, and have a positive self esteem, who were raised properly by father's who were kind to them, will definitely appreciate you.

 

Go find one!

 

This lady can send you a thousand apologies through email...but is she going to change? I don't think so.

[Ed]

You do not "make" anybody act any particular way. They act the way they do by their own choice. No matter who you are or how you act, some people will like you and some won't. Some will be respectful and some won't. There are all kinds out there.

 

You are more likely to get respect and good treatment from others if you stand up for yourself and disassociate yourself with people that repeatedly offend you. If you are a pushover, you will likely be taken advantage of. You have to watch out for yourself and let people run over you and treat you poorly.

 

You said in a previous post, "Last night pretty much did it for me. I reached my breaking point." What does "pretty much" mean? You reached your breaking point, but did you break? Are you going to stay with this lady or not?

 

I don't mind if you go on and on about this (as if I can do anything about it any way). I do hope that you find some peace and stability soon.

[Ed]

You do not "make" anybody act any particular way. They act the way they do by their own choice. No matter who you are or how you act, some people will like you and some won't. Some will be respectful and some won't. There are all kinds out there.

 

You are more likely to get respect and good treatment from others if you stand up for yourself and disassociate yourself with people that repeatedly offend you. If you are a pushover, you will likely be taken advantage of. You have to watch out for yourself and not let people run over you and treat you poorly.

 

You said in a previous post, "Last night pretty much did it for me. I reached my breaking point." What does "pretty much" mean? You reached your breaking point, but did you break? Are you going to stay with this lady or not?

 

I don't mind if you go on and on about this (as if I can do anything about it any way). I do hope that you find some peace and stability soon.

[clia]

She wrote you letters like this before, didn't she? Saying how much she loved you, how she'd change, and blah, blah, blah. Last time you asked for advice on the letter, I said actions speak louder than words. I'll say it again. I could sit down and write the most beautiful love letter you've ever seen, but it doesn't mean I mean it, or that I'll stick to it. She knows you have issues with her temper, yet last night she proceeded to let it rip on you again. I can't imagine living in a house like that, or arguing with someone like that, or raising kids in a house like that. Do you want your future kids to see her acting like that? Do you want her to act like that toward them?

 

Personally, I think you'd be much better off ending this relationship. Sounds like torture to me!

 

Have you replied to her e-mails? I sure wouldn't. I'd go home tonight, sit down with her, and tell her to pack up her stuff and go back to Japan.

 

Just remember, actions speak louder than words. She's dancing the same dance as before and nothing has changed. She either doesn't want to change or is incapable of changing. Either way, you are screwed.

So, thus far today she has sent me at least 8 emails apologizing for her behavior last night. She is going on and on about how sorry she is, etc. etc. She wrote an entire email talking about all the nice times we've had together - how much she's appreciated all the nice things I've done for her, and so on. Why couldn't she have thought of those things when she was letting go with her temper last night?

 

Secondly, is there something about being a "nice guy" that makes women feel like they can act like this? I was thinking about this today - I'm always referred to as a "nice guy" - I never swear, I'm polite, I'm friendly, etc. - do women view this as a weakness? Do they think that because I open the door for them & say "please" and "thank you" that they can emotionally rip me to shreds and I'll take it and say "thank you SIR may I have another!"? Seems like a slow day here today so I thought I'd pose those two questions.

[velvet]

I dont think its the guilt of leaving that would make her stay, shes not aware of what guilt means. I think it would lean more towards shes made a home with you, and she is somewhat comfortable in her enviorment. If she is aware that the r/s is over she may need an extra boot out the door.

A co-worker made a comment to me just now. He said that he believed she was behaving this way because she truly wants to go back to her country but doesn't want to feel the guilt of leaving - if she fights with me, she can blame me for having to leave - she has a place to put her feelings - it's easier to feel angry at someone than it is to feel guilty and sad. What do you guys think?

[velvet]

Im the type to hold grudges a long time, and I dont accept appologies. Im considered a "very nice girl" myself.

 

Your g/f doesnt deserve you anymore. She knows it, you need have to prove it to her. Sounds like you have given her many chances to improve and she has yet to prove to you that she cares about your feelings. Shes only thinking of herself.

 

I too, have given people second, third, even a hundred chances to make a r/s work. There comes a time, when you have to think about yourself and make hard decisions to keep from beating up yourself.

 

 

 

So, thus far today she has sent me at least 8 emails apologizing for her behavior last night. She is going on and on about how sorry she is, etc. etc. She wrote an entire email talking about all the nice times we've had together - how much she's appreciated all the nice things I've done for her, and so on. Why couldn't she have thought of those things when she was letting go with her temper last night?

 

Secondly, is there something about being a "nice guy" that makes women feel like they can act like this? I was thinking about this today - I'm always referred to as a "nice guy" - I never swear, I'm polite, I'm friendly, etc. - do women view this as a weakness? Do they think that because I open the door for them & say "please" and "thank you" that they can emotionally rip me to shreds and I'll take it and say "thank you SIR may I have another!"? Seems like a slow day here today so I thought I'd pose those two questions.

[Tony T]

Im the type to hold grudges a long time, and I dont accept appologies. Im considered a "very nice girl" myself. Your g/f doesnt deserve you anymore. She knows it, you need have to prove it to her. Sounds like you have given her many chances to improve and she has yet to prove to you that she cares about your feelings. Shes only thinking of herself.

 

I too, have given people second, third, even a hundred chances to make a r/s work. There comes a time, when you have to think about yourself and make hard decisions to keep from beating up yourself.

[Tony T]

"n/m" stands for "no message". It is used when the subject line basically says all a poster wants to say.

 

Now you know everything I know!!!