My mother relies too much on me - I feel trapped

[Ersatzteile]

I appreciate all the advice even if I feel I can't take all of it... "Move out" is not as easy as it sounds. (For example, who's supposed to help me move my stuff? When you don't have much of a social life because your parents are sucking the life out of you, it's not like you can ask your co-workers or casual acquaintances to help.)

 

There is a bit of a change coming up because she is (finally) having the poor old dog put to sleep. I am hoping this will jar her out of some of her extreme clinginess. I will miss the dog a lot but it's really time for her to go... she's paralyzed and has no quality of life. (not that my mother would ever listen to ME about that no matter how nicely I tried to say it... )

 

The best thing I did lately was to inform her that I would not be giving her more "rent money" per month if she asked for it (as she periodically has in the past)... that was the easy part... the hard part is how she nickels and dimes me to death with "emergency" purchases that she can't afford or vaguely talks about paying back. $10 here, $25 here... that sort of thing. (She would never ask my sister for this kind of support) I am so tired of having to give her the third degree or say "NO" like she's a little child.

 

I sometimes fantasize about what it would have been like to have parents who actually cared about my well-being instead of their own... to be someone whose parents actually WANTED to see go off into the world and succeed... for the longest time I wondered why things never seemed to "happen" for me like they did for everyone else - not that I'm blaming my parents totally, but now that I'm older I see the many ways they've held me back, kept me doubting and fearful... I mean, WTF? Parents are not supposed to sabotage their kids like that. Kids are supposed to be encouraged to have their own lives and leave the nest and not to have to continually mop up after mom and dad.

 

BTW: I read a great book recently called "Procrastination" by Jane Burka and Lenora Yuen which I highly recommend for anyone. One of the things they talk about is the effect that your parents have on your feelings of motivation, when they themselves are unmotivated and unwilling to encourage you to spread your own wings.

[georgejungle]

You should be doing what you have to do for YOU.

It's nice that you take so much care of your mother,

but she seems like she can take care of herself, she

just relies on you to do it and THAT IS NOT FAIR.

You should never be haunted with feeling bad for

NOT helping her. There are other ways you can help her

without having to provide for her.

 

You've got to live. You've got to do what's right

for you. It sounds mean but, she had her chance. I'm

not saying you have to be mean and cold and not ever

help your mom. You can be there for her and be supportive

towards her without having to provide everything for her.