Live w/ or Not Before Marriage

[Jenny]

My fiance and I are planning on getting married in the fall. We are considering living together. What do we need to take into consideration when making this decision. What do we need to talk about first? The reason we want to is to save some money for our wedding by not paying 2 high rents and so we can test the waters of the relationship before making a lifetime commitment. We love each and are excited about our new life changes. Thanks.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What do we need to take into consideration when making this decision. What do we need to talk about first?"

 

Your question is pretty ambiguous. When more than one person is going to cohabitate, it would seem you would consider work schedules so you would know to get a one bath or two bath home or apartment; if you are going to cook, who will do the shopping and how will you split costs? (if you're actually going to be playing house, your guy may want to absorb this cost mostly); how will bills be split? (phone, electricity, cable TV, etc.); will there be two computers? (if not, who will get priority use or what will be the use schedule); how will outside visitors (friends) be handled? (will you entertain the jointly or individually, what kind of notice will you give the other of outsider visits, etc.?);

 

Again, I just have no idea of what you were looking for in your question. What I listed above was basically common sense stuff.

 

I think when two people set out to live together, they have to go into it with a very mature understanding that both parties are individuals coming from two different worlds and lifestyles and they will have to do a certain amount of compromising to make things work. But it can be done...but not by kids...it takes very mature, compromising, unselfish attitudes to pull it off.

 

If you will explain exactly what you want here, I know a lot of visitors to the site would be happy to help.

 

Good luck...with moving in together and with your upcoming marriage.

[Angel]

This is such a personal decision. Your values, your age, (and more importantly as Tony points out--your maturity), your family's point of view, your community, must be considered. (I am speaking from my point of view and am not putting down anyone who choses to do otherwise.) If it were me, at this stage in my life, I wouldn't move in with a man without being married. I have grown children (two unmarried college girls and one college aged son) I have to consider--and I feel I am a role model for. Saving money is a practical consideration that I would forfeit for my dignity. I need the respect that comes with the marriage license. If I am sure I want to marry this man----then I will adjust my life accordingly once I am married. When I was younger I still wouldn't have done it---my parents would have lost respect for me. I guess I am kinda old fashioned, but I don't think saving money is good enough of a reason to live with someone. My integrity and dignity would be my one and only consideration. A man loses nothing; I would lose my dignity.

 

Good luck with your decision. This is only one person's opinion.

YOU ASK: "What do we need to take into consideration when making this decision. What do we need to talk about first?" Your question is pretty ambiguous. When more than one person is going to cohabitate, it would seem you would consider work schedules so you would know to get a one bath or two bath home or apartment; if you are going to cook, who will do the shopping and how will you split costs? (if you're actually going to be playing house, your guy may want to absorb this cost mostly); how will bills be split? (phone, electricity, cable TV, etc.); will there be two computers? (if not, who will get priority use or what will be the use schedule); how will outside visitors (friends) be handled? (will you entertain the jointly or individually, what kind of notice will you give the other of outsider visits, etc.?);

 

Again, I just have no idea of what you were looking for in your question. What I listed above was basically common sense stuff. I think when two people set out to live together, they have to go into it with a very mature understanding that both parties are individuals coming from two different worlds and lifestyles and they will have to do a certain amount of compromising to make things work. But it can be done...but not by kids...it takes very mature, compromising, unselfish attitudes to pull it off. If you will explain exactly what you want here, I know a lot of visitors to the site would be happy to help. Good luck...with moving in together and with your upcoming marriage.

[clia]

Are you getting married this fall? Do you have a wedding date set?

 

I personally wouldn't move in with someone prior to getting married unless there was a ring on my finger and a wedding date set that was within 6 months from moving in date. My view is that if a guy wants to see me every day, he can marry me. I also don't think money is a valid reason to live together before marriage. Obviously you will save money, but if you do not have the commitment of a wedding date, it may not be worth it. I've seen it happen--no date, and the guy keeps putting it off "until there is more money." Of course, I don't know what your full situation is! And sometimes things have to work out that way with leases ending and leases starting and that kind of thing. And as for testing the waters, couples who live together prior to marriage have no better chance of having a successful marriage than people who don't live together. Actually, they have less of a chance.

My fiance and I are planning on getting married in the fall. We are considering living together. What do we need to take into consideration when making this decision. What do we need to talk about first? The reason we want to is to save some money for our wedding by not paying 2 high rents and so we can test the waters of the relationship before making a lifetime commitment. We love each and are excited about our new life changes. Thanks.

[quankanne]

Wow, I am surprised how the people who've posted so far seem to lean away from the "let's shack up" spectrum of opinions.

 

While saying you're going to move in to save money before marriage sounds good if you say it fast, chances are, it's not going to work out that way. Live has a funny way of stealing your lunch money when you least expect it! Learning how to manage your bills as a single adult is a beneficial tool to bring into a marriage. What happens if one or both of you have a bad sense of economy? Is your relationship strong enough to withstand the stress of money problems?

 

If you're planning to get married soon, why not savor your time apart? It's going to be a whole other world trying to meld together two different lifestyles into one that's pleasing to both of you. Living together is NOT a good way to practice for marriage, no matter what you think! Just because you decide to live together doesn't necessarily transition into marriage, even if that's what you've planned in the first place.

[ok]

If you can't afford the wedding you have planned for in six months, well, then plan a cheaper wedding or put it off until you can afford it.

 

Moving in as a way to save for the wedding is putting the cart before the horse.

 

If you still think you need cheaper rent before the wedding, why not move home or move in with a girlfriend temporarily?

 

Getting married is a tough and exciting decision about your lives together, don't dilute the impact of your statement by moving in before the ceremony.

 

BTW, six months of savings on rent will not make or break you financially. In the scope of your life you will make thousands of financial decisions that will require you to still make moral decisions and come up with ways to save money.

 

I'm not a total bible thumper, far from it, but I know your extended family will appreciate you coloring between the lines in regards to marriage and living together.

 

Good luck!

[BeenThere]

Jenny,

 

I think you're decision to live together for a while before getting married is a very wise one. Especially today when there are so many of what they call "trial marriages"...couples who rush to the alter only to be divorced within two years. Yeah, there's the old antiquated notion that "why buy the cow if the milk if free," but if you are like the majority of engaged couples these days, your relationship has already become intimate. So what do you really stand to loose?

 

It's very different when you live with someone. There will be an adjustment period and adequate time to figure out if the two of you can really cohabitate and live together 24/7. Wouldn't it be better to find that out now rather than wait until after you're married, then have to suffer through some lengthy, expensive divorce procedure before finally going your separate ways?

 

I have even advised my own daughter to live with someone for at least a year before making those final vows. So many women are deluded by their fantasies of becoming someone's wife&their fairy-tale notions of one day becoming a bride. They are often so desperate to be married that they have lost touch with the reality of what its actually like to commit yourself to one person forever --- "For better or worse; till death do you part." The truth is, "happily ever after" only happens in storybooks. And you better make damn sure the man you're about to commit the rest of your life too is going to be worth hanging onto down that bumpy road of reality. Equally as importantly, does he have what it takes to do the distance with you?

 

These are all questions that can only be answered one way---Live together first, and do the "trial marriage" BEFORE the real one. That way, if and when you finally walk down that isle, both of you know exactly the kind of life you will be committing yourselves too: FOREVER...

My fiance and I are planning on getting married in the fall. We are considering living together. What do we need to take into consideration when making this decision. What do we need to talk about first? The reason we want to is to save some money for our wedding by not paying 2 high rents and so we can test the waters of the relationship before making a lifetime commitment. We love each and are excited about our new life changes. Thanks.

[edenboy]

Mistakes are far too costly.

[Debster]

My boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together soon, so I was quite shocked to see how many people are opposed to it.

 

The reason we're living together is because we would end up spending almost everynight together anyways and we are thinking about marriage but want to make sure that we are compatible 24/7. It's also easier to tell what it would be like to be married to that person than if you weren't living together.

 

Believe me, my mom quoted the research that 'living together doesn't equate to a happy marriage' etc, but I have a lot of friends who got married and got divorced because they realized that 24/7 was very different than dating.

 

There's no real way to prepare (I'm nervous about it) but we'll find a schedule and way to divide chores up that works for us. There's no point planning it out beforehand in case things change. I know and he knows that we aren't going to take advantage of each other and because of that I'm not worried about it.

 

If you feel the same, than that's good.

Mind you, I'm sure I'll get some responses to this post.

 

Debster

[butterflyz]

here's a point of view.

 

i wish i lived with my ex. if i did...i would be able to see that he was a heavy drinker, couldn't focus on more than one thing at a time and just wanted a mommy figure to take care of him.

 

so now...i would NEVER consider marrying someone without seeing how they handle life's turmoils, money, chores, how much time they are truly wanting to give a relationship.

[Jackie]

I too was quite shocked at the initial posts which seemed adverse to couples moving in together prior to getting married. Personally, I see things in reverse: my boyfriend and I have absolutely no plans to marry (neither of us believe in the institution), but we moved in together for monetary reasons. When you are spending most of your time together with someone it just seems practical to move in together. 6 months down the track, I have saved a heap of money - as well as becoming closer to my boyfriend. It was a great decision.

 

I personally don't know too many people these days who decide to marry without first testing the waters as a live-in couple. As a few posters have said, you can never really test a relationship until you are with someone 24/7. For your sake Jenny, I hope you don't get a nasty surprise. But even if you do, it will be for the best because you won't be going into the marriage blindfolded.

[Ally Boo]

My husband changed the moment we were in the parking lot of the church. We'd spent time together, and had known each other like 10 years...in HIS case, the marriage papers made it "safe" for him to be himself and not scare me away or whatever. Oh well, I left anyway...and he was SHOCKED. I swore from that day on I'd never marry without living with someone. But I think in the case of my ex husband, it wouldn't have made a difference. I guess it just depends on the people...

[aquarius]

I've always thought the statistics saying people who lived together before marriage had higher divorce rates were skewed. I think they are higher because living together is attractive to commitment phobes. Also, I think the mind set is often different. I think couples who are a little old fashioned or religious are more willing to stay in an unhappy marriage. So, there may be less divorces but does that mean their marriages are of a higher quality?

 

Living together before marriage seems very sensible to me. Taking commitment issues into consideration, I can't understand how living together before marriage could affect the marriage negatively. It's like saying if you know someone too well before you marry them then it is a bad thing. I understand the religious and personal value judgments people make regarding this and I think that is at the heart of discouraging living together.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by aquarius

Living together before marriage seems very sensible to me. Taking commitment issues into consideration, I can't understand how living together before marriage could affect the marriage negatively.

 

I think that the reason is bc you can always just leave. Plus, I know this sounds crazy, but it happened to me.....once you get "locked in" a marriage....sometimes the couple stops trying, relaxes and realizes they dont have to be on "Good behavior" in order to keep their partner to stay....bc its harder for them to leave.

[PixieBehave]

I agree with Debster & BeenThere. I have been living with my bf for about 3 months now & we've been talking about our 'future' together & I can't imagine even discussing our 'future' if we haven't been living together. I wouldn't even want to think about MARRYING someone without knowing first if I even WANT to spend the rest of my life with this person. I have heard the statistics of "if you live with someone before you get married, there's a higher chance of getting divorced" but I don't know if that's true, it actually doesn't even make sense to me....... Anyways, this is just how I feel, hopefully everything works out for you....

[Just A Girl2]

Based on personal experience, living with someone can be a really eye-opening experience. I'm sorry, but there are many things you just can't really 'learn' about the other person, if you're not there living with them.

 

-will they help out with housework/laundry/grocery shopping/making meals/yardwork?

 

-how do they 'behave' when they come home from work after a bad day?

 

-how do you both "make decisions together" (about making purchases, about bill paying, having family over for dinner, home decorating, etc)

 

-how is your partner's family? Are they really nosy? Constantly phoning/constantly dropping by out of the blue to visit? Sticking their nose in? Some say "oh well, you don't marry their family" YES YOU DO! If they get on your nerves prior to marriage, you can rest assured that things will be much worse after marriage. These are just a few of the things that need to be "seen."

 

I could list an entire LIST of things that you simply can't really "know" unless you actually live with your partner. I've been in two long term relationships...where for the first 6 months or more, things were perfect, like "heaven"......we'd spoken of spending our lives together down the road (very seriously).......we then lived together, and I personally got to see "their true colors" (not a real 'team player', didn't help with housework/expected me to do everything, because I was the "woman", etc etc etc)......and I didn't like what I ended up seeing.....and I learned that the guy was definitely not someone I could be happy, married to. Had we dated longer and just got married, I would have been in for a very rude awakening.

 

I also see nothing wrong, whatsoever, with enjoying the "one benefit" of living together, such as both spending less money on rent. Most people today, even if they don't live together, they mostly spend nights over at each other's place. If each person is spending $1000 a month on rent, what a waste of money....particularly when each person is likely spending very little time at their own place. Let's be practical here, money doesn't grow on trees. (I say this to those who don't think that you really benefit from having only one rent together). If a couple shares a place, and splits the rent, say each paying $500 a month versus $1000 a month each, that means that after a year, they've EACH saved $6000. That's not chump change!

 

For those who said they wouldn't sacrifice or compromise their 'dignity' by moving in with someone.......is it any more dignified to end up in a divorce? I don't think so.

 

Jenny.....things you should both really have a good long talk with, prior to moving in together:

 

-division of housework/yardwork/grocery shopping, etc......if you get a sense that he figures most of that is "your job" (by virtue of you being "a woman"), then that's a red flag.

 

-who will be responsible for paying the bills? (utilities, rent, groceries, etc).....will you have a joint acct for same, or will all of these things be in one person's name and the other just writes a check at the end of the month to contribute their half-share?

 

-discussion about who's 'stuff' will be used to furnish the place. Lots of time, each person will have a whole household of furnishings....and it can be a bone of contention when moving in together....if each person wants to use THEIR stuff as the furniture......get this sorted out beforehand...as it can cause hard feelings 'at the time' if there are disagreements. For example, one guy I was engaged to/moved in with......all of his furniture was pretty much cheap tacky stuff he'd gotten at second hand stores (after his divorce)......I had all new, modern/contemporary stuff (everything, including appliances)......there was no way I could live in a home with his tacky stuff......so it only made sense that we'd use my nice/new/clean stuff. He didn't look at it that way.....then he got his Mommy involved and tattled and told her that I didn't want to use any of 'his stuff'......it got kind of ugly. He always resented me, I guess, for this.......he was really attached to his tacky crap.

 

-need to discuss how you'll go about making major purchases....will you split the cost? Do BOTH of you have to agree to buy the item or can one person have the final say?

 

There's probably websites out there, on "cohabitation"....that give lots of good things to consider/discuss, prior to moving in together.

[Ally Boo]

Seeing as how she wrote that in April, she's probably already made her decision. But I, along with others, benefited from your post.

[Jenny]

We lived together for 2 months and then we got married as planned two weeks ago. We are very happy, but it of course is an adjustment. Particurly the furniture and hope decorating stuff. Our taste is very different. It is working out fine for us. Thank you for your posts though.