Involve with somebody who's involve with somebody else

[DraiNed]

As the subject says, i am involve with somebody who's involve with somebody else and i've been with him for 10 months now. It started with flirting and now it's more than just that. I fell in love with him really bad. He said he loves me too but I guess it's just not enough for him to break up with his gf of 5 years. They were engaged by the way. They were suppose to get married last month but pushed it to January for some reason and then his gf found out about us about a month ago he said that since then they've never talked about wedding at all. But before her girlfriend found out about us he told me that he's not sure if he still wants to marry her so he wanted me to wait til the end of this year and he'll have his decision by then. Technically right now theyre broken up...but not really. They still say i love you to each other (i know because sometimes when im around and he's on the phone with her i hear it..i see it when he's chatting with her) His gf told him that he's open to date other people but not me. She also told him that their door is still open and if she finds out that he's still going out with me it'll slam shut for good. Right now we're still hiding our relationship. i'm tired of this situation but it's not makin me stop. i want to wait coz i want to know whats there after 2 months. i dont want to end up askin myself what if i did this, what if i did that. and i love him sooo much so i want to wait for him coz i think he's worth it...but at the same time im scared to death. one of these 3 things can happen: they get back together and get married, he'll officially end their relationship and be with me, or none of the 2. i dont know which of the 3 will happen that's why im scared. i dont know if im waiting for something and not nothing...and there's no way to find out. and even if i prepare myself for #1, it doesnt make it less painful. it'll for sure hurt like hell coz i really love him to the point that im willing to give up everything for him. my life revolves around him now and losing him is like losing my life. yes, we've only been together for 10 months but the feeling is not any different from the feeling somebody feels if he/she loses his/her gf/bf of how many years. it's not on the # of years you've been together but how you feel for each other. i happen to have strong feelings for him even if he has a gf.

i cant do what i want to do that involve him (after his gf found out about us) i cant call him, i cant see him, i cant talk to him...his gf has watchdogs.. this morn i called one of his room mates (one of the watchdogs) cell phones so i can talk to him and he got really pissed because he said we have to be very careful and what i did was not careful at all. then he told me that i am never to contact him again, that i have to wait til he initiate communication. im tired of waiting but still i am waiting. right now, stopping is just not an option for me. i want to wait and im goin to. what im holding on to right now is the thought that he loves me too. hopefully he's not just lying coz if he is....omg. i dont know. i dont even want to think about it. this problem will never be solved without at least one person gettin hurt and i know that there's a good chance it might be me but still even if i know that i still dont want to stop. stubborn? maybe...and bein stubborn is gettin me in trouble. crap!

 

i want to know what you guys think about my situation and what you would do if u were in this situation...

 

thanks

[lighthouse]

I would leave. As hard as that may be I would do it. It is an option for even though you say it isn't - it is just one that you don't want to think about.

I would also be interested to know who else he is dating and/or scre*ing behind both you and his gfs back.

Bad situation all around - get out now.

LH

P.S. if, as you say it, "right now, stopping is just not an option for me. i want to wait and im goin to" then why do you ask what we would do? You might, and probably will, hear what you don't want to hear.

[DraiNed]

I would also be interested to know who else he is dating and/or scre*ing behind both you and his gfs back.

Bad situation all around - get out now.

LH

P.S. if, as you say it, "right now, stopping is just not an option for me. i want to wait and im goin to" then why do you ask what we would do? You might, and probably will, hear what you don't want to hear.

 

he's not dating any other girl..i know coz we're almost always together when he's here...(his gf is from different state) if he goes there he's with her.

i feel happy when im with him, feel sad when he's not coz i remember all the negatives..but i do want to be with him so i want to know if that'll happen or not, if finding out means waiting for 2 more months then ill wait.

i just want to know because maybe one day sooner than 2 months i might wake up and snap back to reality and realize that enough is enough then i would do the same thing u that you would do if u were in this situation.

[elijahBailey]

DraiNed, I feel for you even though I don't agree with what you did back then.

 

However, I'm curious, are you guys still physical now? Has he given you any indication (any kind whatsoever) that he's considering a future with you? How often does he contact you now? How often do you two see each other now?

 

Have you considered the fact that your relationship with him has been going on for 10months while, at the same time, he was going ahead with his wedding? Didn't that raise any red flag for you?

[whichwayisup]

Even if you two end up together, ask yourself this. COULD you trust him 100%? Would you ever wonder if he's cheating on you?

[lighthouse]

he's not dating any other girl..i know coz we're almost always together when he's here...(his gf is from different state) if he goes there he's with her.

I bet that is what his gf thought also and it turns out he was with you.

LH

[Guest]

i don't think people understand what cheating is all about...

 

its not about the sex

 

it not about the emotional need

 

it not about what u use to justify actions

 

it not about the person u cheated on and cheated with

 

its not about your past that shaped u

 

its not about all those u surrounded yourself with that enable you to keep the lie going

 

its not about making one person take blame

 

its simply about making a decision to about who u are as a person

 

everything else is filler

[DraiNed]

DraiNed, I feel for you even though I don't agree with what you did back then.

 

However, I'm curious, are you guys still physical now? Has he given you any indication (any kind whatsoever) that he's considering a future with you? How often does he contact you now? How often do you two see each other now?

 

Have you considered the fact that your relationship with him has been going on for 10months while, at the same time, he was going ahead with his wedding? Didn't that raise any red flag for you?

 

i never thought it'll be this serious and i never thought it'll last. i thought it was just for a few months affair and nothing serious but it was becoming serious.

 

he just got back. with that 10 months we were going out for 7 months, he went to the state where his gf is..he stayed there for 3 months but we still communicate during the time when he was away, almost everyday. he just got back yesterday actually so i dont know how often we will see each other now that his back and with his gf knowing what happened between us. when she found out she told us both not to talk to each other anymore and that's what she thought was happening, that we dont communicate anymore. actually her gf only knows that we've kissed a couple of times that it wasnt really a relationship but just a kiss and she knows i loved him. he has talked to me about marriage and he always say that whatever happens he wants me to be part of his life.

i thought it was going to stop when he left 3 months ago but it didnt.

im tired of this but i still want to continue simply because i love him so freakin much.

[DraiNed]

I just woke up and he's the first person i think about. and everytime i think of him i think of how i can get in touch with him but i dont know how since i cant call him. he said he'll call when he's alone and free but when is that? i dont want to miss his call or something so i just stay here at home and do nothing.

[elijahBailey]

DraiNed, you made a mistake once, you don't have to continue with that mistake. Read what whichwayisup said. You have to walk away from this. Seriously, that's the best advise. My hunch is that he ain't telling you the truth. He's probably trying to wean you off of him. Don't you think that's all pretty obvious?

 

If you come here for advice, the least you can do is try to make use of some, especially when you're not thinking straight now (and no, I'm not being patronizing).

[ash519]

I am going to be brutally honest with you: He already made his choice...and it's not you. If a man wants to leave he will, if he cared enough he would be with you. He's not with you 100% and that is what a real relationship is.

 

When I was younger (18-20) I dated an engaged and then married man (same man). I got the " I love you's" The dates, the passion...but I never got him. One day did come though when he said he wanted to try with me and within a minute it all changed and i blankly said "I would never trust you."

 

If you want to be with a man who wont cheat on you than this is not him. It's not like he cheated once and never did again. He cheated, she found out, he PROMISED never to do it again, he CONTINUED. You are being lied to too. It is what and who he is. He is seeing other people and he is not dating only you because he wants more.

 

Leave him, show this other woman some respect and show yourself some respect. Get yourself out and change your behavior. Unless of course you want to ruin lives (including your own) and only think you deserve to be #2, 3 or 4 even.

[DraiNed]

We just talked yesterday and he said they just broke up for good. (I'm not sure if that really is for good because for the last 5 yrs that they've been together they've broken up a lot of times and get back together. He broke up with her because he said it was too much, that it wasn't fair for her. Now he said he needs space. He said he wants to be a better person. He wants to do things right. We're not going to see each other that often anymore, only on Sundays. He knows it's not fair for me either but he said we have to do things right and we should've done this way before.

[whichwayisup]

If he has broken up with her, he can't just start dating you! It's unfair to you, most people need time between relationships before jumping into another one. And, if it is a 'break' they're on, he will hurt you when he goes back to her.

 

Take it slow!

 

Another thing is, don't make him the ONLY thing in your life. DOn't sit waiting for him to call or see you. That isn't healthy...Live life, have fun, see your friends! Don't make it ALL about him because if this doesn't workout you will be crushed.

[DraiNed]

Yea, thats what he said. He said he needs time. I know they're not totally over. There is still a big possibility that they're getting back together. I'm just confused coz sometimes he gives me hope but sometimes he tells me to be ok to just be friends. He said that if there will be a "bf-gf relationship" between him and i, he wants to establish a deeper connection. Tonight he called me and invited me to watch a movie with him coz he doesn't want to watch a movie alone so i went with him. On our way home we were fighting coz he wanted to go home coz he's tired and i wanted to go out and have dinner. then he said that i just couldn't get enough...that i don't get satisfied with what i get. then he said that he shouldn't have called me...that's it's unfair for me coz I'm not ready to be just friends. He said he wants me to be able to control my feelings and not be all over him, to step back, be mature and just be friends for now.