how do i get over this ...

[yes]

hi

 

ive posted a lotta times here ... for those of u who remember, here's a continuation:

 

for some reason, people have been telling me lately about how i come across (useful info, but upsetting)

 

one guy said i seemed mean & shallow when he first met me. he added that he was very wrong about shallow.

 

my other friend (a girl) commented that i'm very reserved.

 

i dunna what to do about this - i like people, i want to get along with 'em, i do - somewhat - but there's always this coldness between me and others, and i dont know how to warm it up unless they do it ...

 

any tips? i wanna change the way i come across, b/c its not matching up to how i feel inside - even if i like someone, i have huge trouble letting them know i do ... so it's not like im trying to change myself - rather, the way i express myself. i've been taught in my family that being sweety-dovey is yucky - so i'm never like that. but im sure there are other ways to express affection, isn't there?...

 

i just don't know how to do it - how to be nice and warm with people. right now, basically only very confident people can hang out with me - they're not put off by my coldness and overcome it themselves.

 

help?

 

thanks,

 

-yes

[Tony T]

Don't try to be what you're not. If you feel inside that you a nice and warm person, then let that show outwardly. If you don't feel that's the kind of person you are, then you are correct to be cold, distant, mean, or whatever. Just understand that being that way, if that is you, won't make you a lot of friends but it will be the honest thing to do.

 

It's not rocket science and nobody can tell you how to be yourself. Just be yourself. Show what you feel...simple as that.

 

Don't be a phoney...be real. Be yourself. If people don't like that, that's their problem. You don't need them.

[yes]

the main thing in this that makes me feel loserish is that people rarely like me when they first meet me - like they don't mind me, but they're not into it either..... if i stick around, after half a year or so, everyone likes me ... i'm still not usually one of the gang leaders, but i'm accepted & invited along, etc... So once they know me - it's fine. Why can't I connect with people sooner, like when I meet 'em? How do I overcoem the distance? Should I be the first to show that 'yes, i enjoy being around you'?

 

nobody really notices i have this issue b/c im friendly, smily, i talk to people easily - but only on the surface level... a "true connection" seems nearly impossible for me ...

 

any advice would be appreciated,

 

-yes

hi ive posted a lotta times here ... for those of u who remember, here's a continuation: for some reason, people have been telling me lately about how i come across (useful info, but upsetting) one guy said i seemed mean & shallow when he first met me. he added that he was very wrong about shallow. my other friend (a girl) commented that i'm very reserved. i dunna what to do about this - i like people, i want to get along with 'em, i do - somewhat - but there's always this coldness between me and others, and i dont know how to warm it up unless they do it ... any tips? i wanna change the way i come across, b/c its not matching up to how i feel inside - even if i like someone, i have huge trouble letting them know i do ... so it's not like im trying to change myself - rather, the way i express myself. i've been taught in my family that being sweety-dovey is yucky - so i'm never like that. but im sure there are other ways to express affection, isn't there?... i just don't know how to do it - how to be nice and warm with people. right now, basically only very confident people can hang out with me - they're not put off by my coldness and overcome it themselves. help? thanks, -yes

[ok]

You just have to be willing to risk the judgments of others when you react spontaneously in social situations.

 

Don't hang back all the time.

 

Reserved is fine, but sometimes you have to step up to the plate and take a swat at something - anything.

 

You mention that you never get seen as a leader and only get lukewarm acceptance for many months.

 

Think up something that might interest people sooner.

 

Are you a good planner or organizer?

 

I was in college and was very good at planning adventures. You know, ski trips, hiking, etc.

 

People really loved to go on these outings I planned.

 

The trick is to not worry if nobody will want to come.

 

Trust me, they will if you plan the right kind and with enthusiasm.

 

If money's a problem, shoot, a bonfire at the beach can be fun.

 

I only say this as an example of how you can connect with others. They think of you as fun if you provide the way to have fun.

[yes]

Thanks! That's a good idea.

You just have to be willing to risk the judgments of others when you react spontaneously in social situations. Don't hang back all the time. Reserved is fine, but sometimes you have to step up to the plate and take a swat at something - anything. You mention that you never get seen as a leader and only get lukewarm acceptance for many months. Think up something that might interest people sooner. Are you a good planner or organizer? I was in college and was very good at planning adventures. You know, ski trips, hiking, etc.

 

People really loved to go on these outings I planned. The trick is to not worry if nobody will want to come. Trust me, they will if you plan the right kind and with enthusiasm. If money's a problem, shoot, a bonfire at the beach can be fun. I only say this as an example of how you can connect with others. They think of you as fun if you provide the way to have fun.

[ok]

You're welcome.

 

Good luck! have some fun!

[velvet]

I have the opposite situation. I look like a stone cold cat, but if anyone has the balls to approach they find Im friendly. I get it alot at work too. There a few co-workers that are afraid of me and I have herd rumors that Im mean.

 

But its a lie!

 

I think it takes alot of work to try and rearange personality. Like I cant sit and smile all day at work.

 

Or smile during every conversation I have with someone.

 

But I do smile and have a lot of laughs but some people just dont see it.

 

I think that there is really no answer to people like us, but when your personality is affecting you because its affecting everyone around you, than you have to make some changes.

 

You could put all your focus on the other person. Say or do something for them that makes them feel pleased or important.

the main thing in this that makes me feel loserish is that people rarely like me when they first meet me - like they don't mind me, but they're not into it either..... if i stick around, after half a year or so, everyone likes me ... i'm still not usually one of the gang leaders, but i'm accepted & invited along, etc... So once they know me - it's fine. Why can't I connect with people sooner, like when I meet 'em? How do I overcoem the distance? Should I be the first to show that 'yes, i enjoy being around you'? nobody really notices i have this issue b/c im friendly, smily, i talk to people easily - but only on the surface level... a "true connection" seems nearly impossible for me ... any advice would be appreciated, -yes

[BeenThere]

People are going to think whatever they're going to think. And people are who they are. We often make unfair judgements about people we don't know before getting to know them. Can't change that. It's called "personalities" and we're all different. Like you, I'm no social butterfly. I don't go out of my way to ingratiate myself with people I don't know. The last thing I want is to become one of those phony, loud, pretentious types that tend to make my skin crawl. I'm more of a careful observer, and while not being totally unfriendly, I still prefer to wait until I feel comfortable with someone before opening up and letting them in. And even then, I only put a little of myself out there at a time, being selective about those that I eventually learn to trust as "friends" and those who mearly rank as acquaintances. Like you, I have been told that I come off as being stand-offish and aloof. I can't even count how many times I've been approached by a complete stranger and the first words out of his mouth were&"Why don't you smile?"& and it puts me on the defensive right away. In my mind, I've already labeled that person a shallow a$$.

 

I suppose if we went around all day with some goofy grin on our faces we would all seem more "approachable"& but again, there would always the other half of the population who would reach the conclusion that you were either some kind of a nutt, or doing some really fine drugs.

 

In the end, you can't win for loosing, so why even try to be someone you're not?

hi ive posted a lotta times here ... for those of u who remember, here's a continuation: for some reason, people have been telling me lately about how i come across (useful info, but upsetting) one guy said i seemed mean & shallow when he first met me. he added that he was very wrong about shallow. my other friend (a girl) commented that i'm very reserved. i dunna what to do about this - i like people, i want to get along with 'em, i do - somewhat - but there's always this coldness between me and others, and i dont know how to warm it up unless they do it ... any tips? i wanna change the way i come across, b/c its not matching up to how i feel inside - even if i like someone, i have huge trouble letting them know i do ... so it's not like im trying to change myself - rather, the way i express myself. i've been taught in my family that being sweety-dovey is yucky - so i'm never like that. but im sure there are other ways to express affection, isn't there?... i just don't know how to do it - how to be nice and warm with people. right now, basically only very confident people can hang out with me - they're not put off by my coldness and overcome it themselves. help? thanks, -yes

[yes]

Thanks for your reply.

 

It's not about being who i am not, it's about expressing how i really am. I often stay cold and distanced just cuz i'm too shy to go ahead and be friendly, though i'd wanna. that's why i think i need to get thru the barrier - i need to be able to express my affection, if its there.

 

i dont wanna come across as unapproachable, b/c i do want people to approach me easily - i love talking -n getting to know ppl.

 

u'r totally right tho - no win in being who u'r not ... i need to remember that along the way.

 

-yes

People are going to think whatever they're going to think. And people are who they are. We often make unfair judgements about people we don't know before getting to know them. Can't change that. It's called "personalities" and we're all different. Like you, I'm no social butterfly. I don't go out of my way to ingratiate myself with people I don't know. The last thing I want is to become one of those phony, loud, pretentious types that tend to make my skin crawl. I'm more of a careful observer, and while not being totally unfriendly, I still prefer to wait until I feel comfortable with someone before opening up and letting them in. And even then, I only put a little of myself out there at a time, being selective about those that I eventually learn to trust as "friends" and those who mearly rank as acquaintances. Like you, I have been told that I come off as being stand-offish and aloof. I can't even count how many times I've been approached by a complete stranger and the first words out of his mouth were&"Why don't you smile?"& and it puts me on the defensive right away. In my mind, I've already labeled that person a shallow a$$. I suppose if we went around all day with some goofy grin on our faces we would all seem more "approachable"& but again, there would always the other half of the population who would reach the conclusion that you were either some kind of a nutt, or doing some really fine drugs. In the end, you can't win for loosing, so why even try to be someone you're not?

 

[velvet]

If you strongly believe you need to change yourself, over time, the conscious and subconscious will always be aware and and in due time, deliver.

Thanks for your reply. It's not about being who i am not, it's about expressing how i really am. I often stay cold and distanced just cuz i'm too shy to go ahead and be friendly, though i'd wanna. that's why i think i need to get thru the barrier - i need to be able to express my affection, if its there.

 

i dont wanna come across as unapproachable, b/c i do want people to approach me easily - i love talking -n getting to know ppl. u'r totally right tho - no win in being who u'r not ... i need to remember that along the way. -yes