Self-Destructive?

[BenThereDunThat]

I woke up today with the realization that I seem to be on a self-destructive path.

 

In the last year I married, then divorced, someone I was not in love with. Someone who drank too much, did drugs, and just has a lazy approach to life. I went right along with him, even though there was a tiny voice in my head telling me it was all wrong. That tiny voice finally grew to a scream and I ended it. It was awful, he was in shock, and is still devastated.

 

Then I proceeded to have an affair, and fall in love with, a married man. Again, I had to go through some gut-wrenching times to get out of that situation.

 

I do stupid things when I drink. Last night I went with a friend to a bar. I drove. Two other friends of ours showed up. After consuming way too much beer and a couple shots, I just grabbed my purse and left. Didn't say a word to anyone. When I woke up this morning and remembered what I had done, the blood left my head and I almost threw up.

 

Needless to say, my friend is pissed, and she has every right to be. Not to mention, I had no business even driving.

 

I've been avoiding my dad and my sister lately, too.

 

I seem to be isolating myself.

 

I just really don't like myself right now.

[magichands]

I woke up today with the realization that I seem to be on a self-destructive path.

This sentence seems to be at odds with itself. Next time take more pills. Oh, okay...you did say "path". Sorry.

I just really don't like myself right now.

Self-pity and self-punishment are such addictive tendencies. What's done is done, and you can really only learn from it.

 

And you seem to be learning.

 

Time to do some things that actually reinforce the positive side of yourself. Have you considered knitting?

[johan]

Wow! I like you a lot more now. It's nice to know I'm not the only nutcase in the world.

 

I've done the vanish from a night out thing. Sometimes it's just way too much to ask for me to be social and pleasant. And backing out early, having to explain and have everyone question it? What could be more awkward.

 

I've driven when I shouldn't. It's something to be ashamed of, but you made it safely. Don't do it again!

 

As far as the relationships go: join the club. I once had a short affair with a married woman. If you're like me, the idea of getting involved on any level with a married person is completely repulsive to you now. The crappy ill-advised marriage? I've never gone so far as marriage, but I've definitely gotten involved with some useless women. To their credit, they never pressed me for marriage.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. You're a mess, but it's a normal kind of growing-up mess. Just like for everyone else, that will resolve itself just fine when you die. If you expect it sooner, that's just putting undue pressure on yourself.

[magichands]

It's nice to know I'm not the only nutcase in the world.

You obviously missed her sarcasm.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're a mess, but

Yes...leave that to Johan.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thanks, Johan.

 

The leaving part itself isn't what bothers me so much, it's the fact that I drove my friend there and left her. The other couple was there and they live close to her, so I'm sure they took her home.

 

I do the leaving thing all the time for exactly the reasons you listed. I call it the Darcy Shuffle. Darcy is my alter-ego. But I've only ever done that when I drove on my own.

 

But she left me a scathing message, I called her and got her voice mail. I apologized. She hasn't called back. We did jager bombs, so I know I wasn't in my right mind.

 

I just feel so worthless and un-likeable today.

 

I was reading your post about 'what's the point?', and that is exactly how I feel!

[magichands]

The leaving part itself isn't what bothers me so much, it's the fact that I drove my friend there and left her.

Haha...you're such a bitch! I wish I could be more like you.

 

I once (as a joke??) threw my bag at my best friend and broke their nose. They were scarred for life, but I was over it the next morning. Understanding is part of friendship, so don't beat yourself up about it too much.

 

But wow, you are such a badass.

[BenThereDunThat]

Haha...you're such a bitch! I wish I could be more like you.

 

I once (as a joke??) threw my bag at my best friend and broke their nose. They were scarred for life, but I was over it the next morning. Understanding is part of friendship, so don't beat yourself up about it too much.

 

But wow, you are such a badass.

 

I have a very difficult reading between the lines of your posts.

 

If you had heard the message she left me, you would have felt horrible too.

 

In any case, that's not my only issue right now.

[alphamale]

hi BTDT

[BenThereDunThat]

Hi Alpha - guess you can see how my night ended.

 

Sorry about the Tigers.

[magichands]

If you had heard the message she left me, you would have felt horrible too.

Just tell her that she's too ugly to coax a guy into dropping her home.

 

My first question would have been - are you okay?

[Guest]

It was my misfortune that I fell in love with an abuser. And I haven't since wanted to admit that I fell in love with an abuser. But I did. And I loved him fiercely. It hasn't done me any favors to deny those feelings. I haven't been able to open up and truly love somebody since then.

[Ssheena]

First of all, you have to stop drinking and get your head on straight. By getting drunk you can conveniently avoid thinking about and processing everything you have been through. Sounds like your little voice inside is worth listening to - maybe you haven't dealt with your marriage/divorce yet?

Time for a Socrates quote: "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Examine you and your life.

[BenThereDunThat]

First of all, you have to stop drinking and get your head on straight. By getting drunk you can conveniently avoid thinking about and processing everything you have been through. Sounds like your little voice inside is worth listening to - maybe you haven't dealt with your marriage/divorce yet?

Time for a Socrates quote: "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Examine you and your life.

 

I hear what you're saying. But how does one "process" something? I know what you mean, but I don't know how to go about doing that.

 

I know I'm carrying around a huge amount of guilt and shame for even marrying him. I mean, what the hell? Who does that? I just got lazy and thought, honestly, I don't know what I thought!

 

I guess at first I just liked that he was there, from the start, he was just always there. I ignored, or went along with, the other stuff by telling myself not to be so uptight. People party. This is what fun people do. Don't be so boring.

 

Now I feel like I put everyone through this ordeal then said sorry, never mind! Carry on!

[amaysngrace]

Now I feel like I put everyone through this ordeal then said sorry, never mind! Carry on!

 

You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Yeah you might have screwed up but who hasn't? I'm thinking your family members, the ones you're distancing yourself from, are the ones who are probably the most forgiving of you and past mistakes.

 

Maybe you'd rather not face them because it will make you have to accept it all finally, instead of running from it and self-medicating yourself with alcohol like you've been doing.

 

Learning to laugh at yourself instead of cry is probably the nicest thing you can do for yourself. I'm sure you can see the humor in any given situation, if you just try to find it.

 

I think you need to lighten up on yourself. Life's too short to take seriously.

[BenThereDunThat]

You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Yeah you might have screwed up but who hasn't? I'm thinking your family members, the ones you're distancing yourself from, are the ones who are probably the most forgiving of you and past mistakes.

 

Maybe you'd rather not face them because it will make you have to accept it all finally, instead of running from it and self-medicating yourself with alcohol like you've been doing.

 

Learning to laugh at yourself instead of cry is probably the nicest thing you can do for yourself. I'm sure you can see the humor in any given situation, if you just try to find it.

 

I think you need to lighten up on yourself. Life's too short to take seriously.

 

I think you have a point with the whole acceptance thing. I often wonder if that's not why I did something as stupid as have an affair with a married man as soon as I kicked the H out. I totally focused on that. I also wonder if it wasn't some sort of self-punishment.

 

I know I am my own worst critic. I hold myself up to standards I'm not equipped to even meet.

 

My friends don't understand what I'm going through at all. To them, they see an independent woman who bought her own home, has a decent job, has loved ones, is smart and reasonably attractive.

 

What I see: so I bought a house, I only barely take care of it. So I'm independent, I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. So I have a decent job, I would have an even better job if only I was smarter. So I have loved ones, they all have their own lives, and would rather not have to deal with me being down. And on and on it goes.

 

I haven't given into the above thinking for a long, long time. When I am up, I am really up. I'm confident and all the rest of it. I've been told more than once that I have an infectious laugh and smile. I love that!

 

But I feel like I've slowly been working my way to this point, where I'm at today. Like I had bad days where it came on a little and I pushed it away. But now the black cloud is here and it's here in a big way.

[amaysngrace]

But I feel like I've slowly been working my way to this point, where I'm at today. Like I had bad days where it came on a little and I pushed it away. But now the black cloud is here and it's here in a big way.

 

 

It's really very possible that you block things out with other worser things. Like your bad marriage. You felt like a semi-failure so you took the ball and ran with it and made yourself into a full-blown failure.

 

Self-punishing, like you said. I'm no shrink but I think our ways of coping are learned pretty early on in life. We learn from those around us as well as what we've picked up along the way and found useful. Maybe you need to realize why you do what you do before you can bring about the change that is needed.

 

I've found journaling to be very useful. I learned to love the time I spent with myself, getting to know myself, and find out answers for myself.

 

I don't know about you, but when life seems chaotic and out of control, I need to try to figure out how it got that way in the first place. What was I thinking...like you said. Jotting down your thoughts is a sure way to identify your mindset.

 

You don't even need a fancy journal. A spiral notebook and a pack of pens work fine.

[Ssheena]

Hi,

 

It might have to be "black cloud" for a bit. I have done things that were wrong/bad too and the only thing I can say now is, I will never do that again.

I <clears throat> married my x because I knew he had money. I thought I was in love with him but I also was fully aware of what I was doing. I felt guilty about that too. I get the feeling that you don't think/believe you are a loveable person, hence the pushing away from your family and friends.

Or acting out, hurting your friends. See, I really am worthless. You aren't though. Did you ever watch the Lion King? I remember that one scene where Nala (? girl lion) smacks Simba and says that was the past. (It might have been a monkey that smacked him) but the point was, you can't change anything in the past, only the future. And your thinking about all this IS processing it. Forgiving yourself, learning what you won't do again and what is good about yourself etc., etc. Feeling down, going through it and coming out the other side. You bought your own house! That's great.

Talk with your friends, tell them what is going on and don't push them away.

Be good to yourself, please.

[BenThereDunThat]

Grace and Ssheena - thanks so much for your replies.

 

Doing better today. I always feel better when I go to work. I had taken Fri. and Mon. as vacation days as I had weekend plans. Those fell through and when left to my own devices....

 

I did reach out to my friends and my sister. Dad is next. He is such a worrier, I don't like to talk to him when I'm feeling down. That, and god love him, he tends to get preachy. He means well, but a lot of times he just doesn't "get" it. He just wants his kids to be happy.

 

Reaching out though was a HUGE step for me. I tend to be too proud, and not like for people to see me "weak" and with what I think are "silly" little problems.

 

Also saw the friend that I "left" at the bar today. While she's definitely being somewhat cold, she's not NOT talking to me. So I feel better there too. In any case, I didn't so much leave her. We were there with two of her oldest friends - who live two minutes away from her. I apologized and am moving on.

 

Anyhoo....thanks again.

 

I'm going to go through EAP at work. I think. Maybe. We'll see.

 

Definitely going to lay off the drinking for a good while!

 

Also going to start a journal. Well, try to anyway. Don't even know where to start there!

[magichands]

Also going to start a journal. Well, try to anyway. Don't even know where to start there!

The Water Cooler.

[BenThereDunThat]

The Water Cooler.

 

haha, yeah right! Let's see how fast that would get me kicked off....

 

And what're you, a speed reader or somethin'?

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad you're better today BeenThere. And it's good you reached out.

 

You're gonna be okay. In fact, you probably already are.

[Ssheena]

Go job! Little steps. I hope you don't have a dog like mine that chewed up my beautiful purple leather journal...I'm still mad at him for that. I got mine at Barnes and Nobels (sometimes they have them with inspirational quotes interspersed in them as well). I also went through EAP at work - to get some immediate help/therapy when things were really bad. I too am very proud/stubborn whatever you wanna call and I hate to ask for help for anything. The thing is once I do, I get it. If your friend was having troubles wouldn't you want to help her out? With no questions, I would be there in a heartbeat. Your friends (if they are) will do that for you too. Sounds like you are on a good track! See how strong you are?