Affection

[IpAncA]

Yep if he is an action guy then action is what he needs, not talking. He needs to feel like he is loved, wanted, appreciated, etc... When he starts to feel that then he should respond.

[Hope01]

Well I was wondering if just likes your company. Well if your both are unhappy, then I don't think the affection this will solve the problem completely. He kind of sounds depression to me Both of your communcation skills are not working here. He can't even tell you whats going on in his head. Sounds to me like he's given up completely and has just accepted it.

We both have different communication styles. We have never communicated very well. He says we have never argued. Arguements to him are like discussions. He says we always fight (yell/scream) We are stubborn and pretty hotheaded when we argue. He won't go to counseling because I've already asked him. He thinks marriage is about acceptance, tolerating and compromise. I do agree to a point, but when both are unhappy...I just don't know what else to do.

 

I'm not ready for a divorce and I don't think he is either, after all, this is his 3rd marriage.

 

He knows I'm not an affectionate person, therefore, if I show affection towards him, he will only think its short-term. He mentioned that people always go back to their original being -- that is if they were never affectionate and if their partner wants more affection, they will try but then after a while, they go back to the way they were which is non-affection. Hope this makes sense.

[Hope01]

I think if he starts to see a change in her, he'll be less depressed and more open to working on things with her.

 

It's really hard to keep beating your head against a brick wall for months and months. Yes, he's probably given up at this point because he sees all she wants to do is talk. If he's an "actions speak louder than words" guy, he's noticed that for the past 8 months, she hasn't been doing, just talking about doing or not even talking.

 

But that doesn't mean things can't change. He just needs to see that she's willing to act and not just talk about it. It's a very unusual man who doesn't respond to loving affection that is freely and willingly given. He just needs to regain trust that she actually does love him and wants to be close with him.

 

Hope - go to Amazon.com and order a book called: Light His Fire. It's very short, very simple, and gives you concrete things you can do to make your husband feel loved and appreciated.

 

It's simple things like telling him how special he is to you, complimenting him for the things you appreciate about him, telling him how lucky you feel to have him in your life, telling him how good he looks in his blue shirt, thanking him for fixing the toaster, telling him how smart he is for the kind of work he does, telling him that you believe in him and you know he'll be able to solve his problems at work, telling him he's a good man for loving his kids even if they are ungrateful..men need to feel appreciated at home by their wives because they really don't get that kind of appreciation anywhere.

This is a very good post. I'll look up that book. Thanks for you suggestion. By the way, I, too, want to feel appreciated and I don't feel appreciated by him. I guess because I know he's mostly has given up, so have I. I've asked him how does he want to feel appreciated and he says "I don't know", therefore, I have to play a guessing game on what I can do to show him I appreciate him. He's the type that wants things to come naturally. He feels if he tells me how he wants to be appreciated and then I show him what he wants, then he thinks its not geniune. I'm not sure if I can compete with this at all. It just gets frustrating and therefore, I don't try as much as I would like too.

[norajane]

This is a very good post. I'll look up that book. Thanks for you suggestion. By the way, I, too, want to feel appreciated and I don't feel appreciated by him. I guess because I know he's mostly has given up, so have I. I've asked him how does he want to feel appreciated and he says "I don't know", therefore, I have to play a guessing game on what I can do to show him I appreciate him. He's the type that wants things to come naturally. He feels if he tells me how he wants to be appreciated and then I show him what he wants, then he thinks its not geniune. I'm not sure if I can compete with this at all. It just gets frustrating and therefore, I don't try as much as I would like too.

 

Again, it's all a two-way street. He doesn't feel appreciated by you so how can he appreciate you? You don't feel appreciated by him, so how can you appreciate him? It really goes both ways.

 

You've seen what happens if you don't make an effort. EVEN IF you are hurt, start to make changes and he will once again begin to appreciate you. If you start showing him in a million little ways how special he is to you, he will notice and he will appreciate you as well, and he will start showing you his appreciation.

 

There's a companion book...Light Her Fire...you might want to get that one too...

[IpAncA]

I'm not ready for a divorce and I don't think he is either, after all, this is his 3rd marriage.

 

He knows I'm not an affectionate person, therefore, if I show affection towards him, he will only think its short-term. He mentioned that people always go back to their original being -- that is if they were never affectionate and if their partner wants more affection, they will try but then after a while, they go back to the way they were which is non-affection. Hope this makes sense.

 

Yes this makes sense to me. I believe that it was you that wanted to be more affectionate to him. Yes I know your not the type of person to do this but if you want to then you need to do it and not just for your husband, but for yourself. Since he's thinking like this and you choose to be more affectionate to him, it wouldn't be a good idea to stop because then you just proved him right.

 

If you don't mind me asking you this, but how is it that you both ended up together. There had to of been some form of affection or something.

[Hope01]

If you start showing him in a million little ways how special he is to you, he will notice and he will appreciate you as well, and he will start showing you his appreciation.

 

Everyday when I wake up I think what can I do to show my hubby how much I love him, appreciate him and I'm proud of him. I do things such as call him at work to see how he's day is going, or maybe I'll get dinner ready therefore when he gets home all he has to do is just sit down and relax and I bring his dinner, or I'll buy some dark chocolate (his favorite) and put it on the driver's seat with a little note, or I'll text him a message, or, I'll send him an e-card at work, or I'll do the laundry (but there's not one bit of my clothes in the pile) just because I know he will apprecite his work clothes being washed/dryed or while he's in bed, I'll bring him a cup of coffee. These are just some of the things I've done recently in the last couple of months but he doesn't show me he appreciates it. Oh yea, I guess he does appreciates it because he does thank me for it. However, I really don't feel appreciated. I've even told him what things he could do for me to show me he appreciates me, but I don't see it (flowers, e-card, text messages saying I love you, etc)

 

I guess with all that I just don't try any more than I have been. I feel like because he's unhappy, no matter what I do, he still would be unhappy.

[amaysngrace]

I guess with all that I just don't try any more than I have been. I feel like because he's unhappy, no matter what I do, he still would be unhappy.

 

I think you're on to something here. First off, you're carrying a huge weight around thinking you can be the sole source of someone else's happiness. This is an impossibility. It is up to your husband to find his own happiness, independent of his married life with you.

 

You owe it to yourself to do the same. From what you're saying, it sounds as if he's pulling from you. And it can be extremely draining when you give into a relationship more than you are receiving, which sounds like this is just where you're at.

 

It's exhausting. I know. And if all you're asking for is a bit of affection, I don't see you being unreasonable one bit. But...it doesn't sound as if you're going to be getting much anytime soon.

 

So...you have to learn how to accept this fact for now. You need to find a way to genuinely be okay with it. Because, bottom line, you can't change another. Even if that person is your spouse.

 

The only thing you can do is change your reaction and how his depriving you of affection makes you feel. You need to learn how to be okay with this aspect of him right now.

 

Meantime, you need to not put forth more effort into this marriage than you are willing to give up. Meaning, if he is in unhappy selfish mode, you owe it to yourself to not take the responsibility for how he feels anymore.

 

He was probably moody before he met you, and will continue to be so until he finds new ways to promote his own well-being.

 

You can only do the best you can do with regards to letting him know you're there for him, and you're on his team.

 

For yourself, you should find ways independent of him to bring some joy into your life. Gardening, reading, hot baths...whatever. Learn karate or take a pottery class. You should have outside interests.

 

Basing your own happiness on how someone else is treating you is just a real bad idea.

[Hope01]

I think you're on to something here. First off, you're carrying a huge weight around thinking you can be the sole source of someone else's happiness. This is an impossibility. It is up to your husband to find his own happiness, independent of his married life with you.

 

You owe it to yourself to do the same. From what you're saying, it sounds as if he's pulling from you. And it can be extremely draining when you give into a relationship more than you are receiving, which sounds like this is just where you're at.

 

It's exhausting. I know. And if all you're asking for is a bit of affection, I don't see you being unreasonable one bit. But...it doesn't sound as if you're going to be getting much anytime soon.

 

So...you have to learn how to accept this fact for now. You need to find a way to genuinely be okay with it. Because, bottom line, you can't change another. Even if that person is your spouse.

 

The only thing you can do is change your reaction and how his depriving you of affection makes you feel. You need to learn how to be okay with this aspect of him right now.

 

Meantime, you need to not put forth more effort into this marriage than you are willing to give up. Meaning, if he is in unhappy selfish mode, you owe it to yourself to not take the responsibility for how he feels anymore.

 

He was probably moody before he met you, and will continue to be so until he finds new ways to promote his own well-being.

 

You can only do the best you can do with regards to letting him know you're there for him, and you're on his team.

 

For yourself, you should find ways independent of him to bring some joy into your life. Gardening, reading, hot baths...whatever. Learn karate or take a pottery class. You should have outside interests.

 

Basing your own happiness on how someone else is treating you is just a real bad idea.

I appreciate your input. However, I must confess not only am I non-affectionate, but we do have our share of arguements. In fact, we have them alot. I'm sure that attributes to him not making an effort. We don't communicate very effectively. I'm pretty sure if I were to become a little bit more affectionate, I think, he will initiate it back. Because of all the resentments, arguements, non-loving way, I don't try all that much and I'm sure he feels the same way.

 

I'm not trying to be sexist when I say this but do guys adjust better than women? For example, he seems to adjust to me because I'm not affectionate, but for me, I haven't really adjusted to the non-affectionate marriage. We had an arguement the other night about the kissing incident (which I have mentioned in this thread). It hurts me that he's not affectionate, however, he doesn't seem hurt by the non-affection in our marriage. This bothers me. I don't understand why he doesn't show the hurt. And if I mentioned this to him, all he responds is "sorry, you miss the affection". And then when he replys like that, it makes me angry. Many times I think, maybe I just need to adjust better and accept this is how our marriage will be.

[Island Girl]

The dog is always happy to see him and wiggles his tail and jumps into his arms and wants to play.

 

Soooooo --- be happy to see him, wiggle your tail, and jump into his arms and want to play!!!!

 

I am not making light of the situation. But you say he was more affectionate before and I bet you did some other things differently too.

 

It has to start somewhere. He'll have to change his actions/reactions if you change yours but you have to be consistent.

 

It seems when you are communicating with him there is a breakdown in what you say to get what you want. It is like you are operating out of fear so you aren't "putting yourself out there".

 

I know you said you aren't affectionate, but you'd like to be, so start doing things to make him happy. Do little romantic or thoughtful things for him.

 

And don't keep score.

 

Even if it is his "turn" - do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

 

As another poster said, if you want a kiss, kiss him. If you want to be close, get close.

 

Just watch when you do this - don't be unreasonable about it. If he's on the computer or doing something involved, it is probably not "cuddle time". So use common sense.

 

This is your marriage. The rest of your life. Fight for it. Make it what you want it to be. That involves more selfless giving than arguing. Also more patience than demands.

 

Just try to get back to more honest communication without an "expected" answer. Tell him how you feel openly and honestly.

 

In your conversations, not once did I read, "so many times I want to reach out to you but I am scared you don't find me attractive or you'll push me away."

[Hope01]

Island Girl - Very good post. Thanks for your suggestions and everyone's else who replied in my thread.

[Hope01]

Yes. There's only so many times a person can reach out without reciprocation. He's probably given up.

 

IF you want to receive affection, you have to give it. YOU be the one to reach out and hold hands. YOU be the one to give him a random kiss, to grab his butt when you walk past, to give little hugs for no reason. YOU start doing it, and he'll return the affection and start initiating it when he sees you want it.

 

Remember when you told me to come back in a month? Well, its almost a month. And still NOTHING. Its been exactly 23 days and he has only "initiated" affection twice...once when he come up behind me and put his hands on my back to keep them warm and the other time when he cooked my favorite meal, although I really don't call the later one really affection. Both of these have been recent. I've been initiating affection several times throughout the day, except for this week my work hours have changed and I get home several hours later. But I guess in the last couple of days I haven't really put forth initiating any type of affection because he doesn't give me any affection. I really truly thought he would start initiating affection once he started seeing me do it.

 

I have text him in the last week saying how happy I was that he took the time in making my favorite meal and told him I love him. Or I would text him say I appreciate him calling me during the day just to say Hi.

 

Today, I must admit, its taking its toll on me. We just had an arguement and it went something like this:

 

Me: **I just got back from the gym after work. So, I start the conversation as "Hi how are you"?

Hubby: Ok. (**Laying on the couch)

Me: **Walk over and give him a kiss

Hubby: Are you hungry

Me: No, not really (**then I happen to notice him not wearing his wedding ring - he can't wear his ring at work because of safety reason)

Me: You forgot your ring

Hubby: Oh yea

Me: I wish you wouldn't be so forgetful about the your ring?

Hubby: I'm not perfect

Me: Like I said, I wish you wouldn't always forget (**He forgets to put it on like 2-3 times a week and then I have to remind him)

***Now I'm starting to get frustrated

Me: Lately I noticed you have been forgetting to put your ring on

Hubby: I'm not perfect

Me: ***Getting very frustrated

Me: Maybe the bottom line is I don't feel you are attracted to me anymore

And that's how we ended the arguement.

Because I've been doing all the initiating of affection these last 23 days, and NOTHING from my hubby, I'm beginning to feel he has really given up.

 

Need some advice please.

[Hope01]

I guess no one is able to give any advice to my last post.

[whichwayisup]

Would he go to marriage counselling with you? You two are NOT communicating at all, and how you're interacting with eachother is making it worse. You're on edge, asking him stuff, he gets defensive and acts all 'whatever'.

 

If he isn't willing to go to counselling with you and fix things, then maybe you two need to talk about what it is you are not getting from the marriage.

 

You're not happy, he's not happy, and he's not wearing his wedding ring! To me, that's a big red flag....Sorry, and I dont' want to freak you out, but the little effort he's put in, KNOWING FULL WELL that you are making an effort is just plain cruel! He acts lazy and treats you like crap. He isn't acting like he is into you or even like he loves you.

[Ripples]

Remember when you told me to come back in a month? Well, its almost a month. And still NOTHING. Its been exactly 23 days and he has only "initiated" affection twice...once when he come up behind me and put his hands on my back to keep them warm and the other time when he cooked my favorite meal, although I really don't call the later one really affection. Both of these have been recent. I've been initiating affection several times throughout the day, except for this week my work hours have changed and I get home several hours later. But I guess in the last couple of days I haven't really put forth initiating any type of affection because he doesn't give me any affection. I really truly thought he would start initiating affection once he started seeing me do it.

Hope, I don't think that it works quite like that. I think you have to be patient for far longer than 23 days. Maybe he wants to see if you can sustain it, maybe he was hurt enough to not want to try just yet. Although there is something else as well, he has been affectionate. The favorite meal? Maybe he classes that as affection, so maybe you need to see it that way too.

 

I have text him in the last week saying how happy I was that he took the time in making my favorite meal and told him I love him. Or I would text him say I appreciate him calling me during the day just to say Hi.

I don't know about all men, but in my experience, it seems that texting, calling during the day is kinda a girl thing. It doesn't come naturally to a man and thus, at this stage, I don't think it's reasonable to expect it from him.

 

Today, I must admit, its taking its toll on me. We just had an arguement and it went something like this:

 

Me: **I just got back from the gym after work. So, I start the conversation as "Hi how are you"?

Hubby: Ok. (**Laying on the couch)

Me: **Walk over and give him a kiss

Hubby: Are you hungry

Me: No, not really (**then I happen to notice him not wearing his wedding ring - he can't wear his ring at work because of safety reason)

Me: You forgot your ring

Hubby: Oh yea

Me: I wish you wouldn't be so forgetful about the your ring?

Hubby: I'm not perfect

Me: Like I said, I wish you wouldn't always forget (**He forgets to put it on like 2-3 times a week and then I have to remind him)

***Now I'm starting to get frustrated

Me: Lately I noticed you have been forgetting to put your ring on

Hubby: I'm not perfect

Me: ***Getting very frustrated

Me: Maybe the bottom line is I don't feel you are attracted to me anymore

And that's how we ended the arguement.

Because I've been doing all the initiating of affection these last 23 days, and NOTHING from my hubby, I'm beginning to feel he has really given up.

 

Need some advice please.

 

That ring thing, that's just silly. You're saying to him 'you always forget'. No, he doesn't always forget, just sometimes. Yes, its hurtful, but if bring it up in an accusatory way, he's going to be defensive and nothing changes. I would ignore it for the time being, concentrate on the stuff that he does do for you. And that 'NOTHING' thing? Not only is it probably too soon to expect too much, you're also invalidating the things he has done, again.

 

Amays is very right about the happiness thing. It does seem that you're making yourself responsible for his happiness and making him responsible for yours. How about making yourself happy first?

[hopeto]

A few months ago, I did have a talk with him about my non-affectionate ways and the conversation went like this:

 

Me: I really would like to become more affectionate with you

Hubby: Why? You are not an affectionate person

Me: I want to overcome being unaffectionate. If I initiate holding hands, maybe you could give me a squeeze letting me know if you noticed and you like it, or maybe if I give you a hug maybe you could tell me "hey, that was nice".

Hubby: That would be too hard for me to do this

Me: Why?

Hubby: Being affectionate should come naturally. I shouldn't have to work so hard in getting you to be more affectionate just to make me happy.

 

There you have it. That's how our conversation went. However, I do have to admit, that when this conversation happened, it was during the time we were having an arguement. However, I still went away shocked, angry and hurt. Again, like I mentioned, this conversation was a few months back.

 

I must admit, I miss his touch. Last night when he got home from golfing, he dropped some stuff that he was carrying into the kitchen and then proceeded into the computer room to check his fantasy football scores. I was sitting on the couch hoping that he would give me a kiss since he hasn't seen me all day, but he didn't. Therefore, I went into the pc room and asked him "hey, where's my kiss and when he didn't respond, I said forget it. It then escalated into an arguement. The conversation went like this

 

Me: I was hoping after not seeing you, I could have gotten a kiss before you checked your score

Hubby: If you wanted a kiss, why didn't you just kiss me

Me: Because I kissed you this morning

Hubby: So, you are keeping track?

Me: Forget it. I'm going out

Hubby: I'm going out too

Me: You just got home

Hubby: So, you are going out, and I am too

 

After he left, I just stayed in. The reason why I wanted to go out, is I felt hurt that he didn't kiss me when he walked in. He was more interested in his football scores.

 

Today when I called him, we continued on with the arguement that we had last night.

 

Me: It would be nice if we could work things out together

Hubby: There's nothing to work out

Me: We are never on the same page. You don't even try to work things out

Hubby: I'm unhappy

Me: Therefore, the reason why you don't try is your unhappy. Do I really make you this miserable?

Hubby: No. Alot of it is me too. By the way, I do try

Me: You do? When?

Hubby: So are you saying I never try?

 

Because he's at work, we couldn't talk anymore. I just hung up. I don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling with me (yes, I have asked). This is his 3rd marriage. I want us to be happy in our marriage but I just don't know how.

 

Sorry this post is long.

look what it is, is a power struggle!!!!!! you want to be more loving right but you want him to say to you that was nice, that was good etc. he wants it to come natural...... he does not want to treat you like a child and have to tell you every time you give affection that your a good girl and way to go. the power struggle is simple dont look for praise.....simply just give it!!!!! after a while he will come around and it will get better but you have to stop looking for at a girl. it should come natural.

 

love and affection sholud come natural. he does not respond because it scares the **** out of him for rejection. it is a horrible feeling to be rejected and once bitten twice shy. look I have been in a marriage for 18 years and mine is so sour that I am going to file for a divorce cause I will never be perfect for him and he will never love me like I need him to. this does not mean I dont love him cause I truly do but I just cant do it anymore.

 

ook if I can tell you there is nothing wrong to humble yourself for your spouse. to be kind when he is being a butt to just say you know even though I still love you and be sappy and just love him. we are raised in a society that we are not show these things so when we venture out it has to be this strong back bone not to be humble not to love without any conditions to just love unconditional. we are not raised that showing affection is the right thing to do. fid to one you did not see alot of it when you were a child. there is nothing wrong in being submissive and loving him. look if I had any advise to you just love him. put this aside show him affection and be kinky and just be yourself and try to make it work cause when you are married alot tend to let it slip through the cracks and it is most often a power struggle.

 

I am not telling you by no means to just lay down like a dog but go the extra mile even if he does not and do the extra's and either he will come around or you will be like me and just give up. and there will never be any change from him. it is in your hands and you can make a difference if you want to but you have to put aside the power struggle. just simply stop it. hope I helped.

[Mary3]

He's probably thinking the same thing about you...gee, she never hugs me, or kisses me...I have to always be the one to touch her...maybe she's not attracted to me...she never reaches out to me...maybe she hates it when I touch her...what's the point?

 

He's more affectionate with the dog because the dog loves the attention and gives the affection back to him. The dog is always happy to see him and wiggles his tail and jumps into his arms and wants to play.

 

You, on the other hand, walk past him and won't hug him - as though he's a stranger!!

 

All you have to do is get it started a few times. He'll return your affection just like the dog returns his. What do you have to lose by hugging him? Do you really think things could get worse between you if you hugged him?

 

Be very careful about the *absence of affection* OP.

 

He might try seeking it elsewhere. Don't let it get to that point....